Too many Cats

[Proof my person is cheating on me with a strange cat.]

Ruru the Cat here.  I hear a portal opened up over the neighbor's house, the same one that the beast in the basement came from.  They have MORE CATS over there.  Strangers.  And my people, especially my person, keeps hanging out with them and playing with them and touching those cats.  She comes back smelling of them.  But she's MY PERSON.  Not theirs.  Apparently, the people over there, my person's cousins, found these cats abandoned, tossed in their carrier, maybe by accident and maybe by intent, by the side of the freeway.  Yeah, yeah, it's a sad thing for cats to be treated like this.  It's great they found a home.  Just not here.  'Cuz it's MINE.  It's hard enough for me to have everyone worship me with as many fluffy butts as we already have around here begging for attention.

[The only one who deserves attention--but not in this way.  Dumb costume.]

This is my house.  I don't want to share it with the cats we already have.  Maya claims the house as her own and picks on me whenever I try to act like it's mine.  Toothless laughs when I tell him my frustrations.  He gets along with everyone and doesn't see why I don't.  Only Cass bows before me and hides from my wrath.  I should be the queen around here, not Maya.  Still, I'm stuck with this pecking order, right in the middle, which is not where a queen belongs.  I don't know how the monster in the basement is going to shake all of this up.  But we certainly don't need to add anymore cats to complicate it.  It's my house.  Why won't anyone remember that?

Keep Your Person to Yourself

[My person turning to the wrong cat for love.]

Ruru the Cat here.  My brother, Toothless, has been upset with me recently.  He seems to think it's my fault my person has developed an unhealthy obsession with holding the wrong cat.  She's supposed to be holding ME all the time, but she's started to hold HIM as he sulks and whines in her arms.  He's so whiny.  I mean my person is a great person.  He won't even give her a chance, just because she held him and loved him or three whole days then dumped him as soon as she found me.  As far as I'm concerned, that's a personally rational response.  Who'd want my brother when she could have me? 

                                  [My person showing love.  And a mean streak]                                             

But now, my person can't get enough of picking up and holding Toothless as he sulks and whines all because he DOES sulk and whine.  He's decided my person's MOM is the only human who should be allowed to exist.  And MY person isn't good enough for him.  I get liking his person.  I enjoy getting my ears rearranged by the best ear-rearranger in the whole house.  But my person is wonderful, great, so sweet.  So she has a bit of a mean streak. 

[Still the wrong person.]

Really mean!  NOT kidding!  I do NOT want to be held by the wrong person!  My person is the older one.  She loves me, and I love her.  Everyone else is a waste of space.  

[I'm Cali!  I should only be held by my mommy!]

Toothless is right!  She keeps grabbing me, too!  I don't want Ru's person to hold me.  

[Me, Snow, wanting to be back with my mommy.]

Me, too!  She keeps grabbing me!  It freaks me out!  

[Me, Maya, after the cursed bath giver]

Ru, keep your person to yourself.  Not kidding.  

Ru:  Who asked you, dogs?  

Maya: I'm not a dog.  

You're not me, so close enough.   You other four-leggers, stay away from my person!  I had no idea everyone was stealing the love and worship I should have.  It's just not fair. 

MORE Alien Invaders?

[Me, not needing a toddler in my house]

Ruru the Cat here.  My people do some pretty awesome things.  Like glorify cats in short stories.  Like snuggle me when I want to be snuggled.  Like feed me.  There are times humans are well-behaved like proper pets should be.  Then again, there are times that humans are straight up misbehaved, like when they let little kids in my house without my permission.

[Alien invaders!] 

 
I mean, I've blogged about this, right?  So everyone should know how much I hate alien humans invading my peaceful little house.  The one good thing is they didn't bring any mutts or foreign cats.  The not so good thing is they brought in a toddler to slap dogs (and cats, given the chance), a little girl to bounce all over and throw stuff, and a bigger boy to...well, basically ignore us, so he can stare at that flat mechanical thingy all humans around here stare at all the time.  I didn't mind that one.  But the little ones ... we know what little ones do.  They throw the doggie kibble around instead of letting me steal it, put human cooties in my water, take up all the space, make a lot of noise, and generally make it so I want to run and hide and wish them away. 

At least they disappeared quickly this time, leaving behind cheese and meat on bread (I think they call it pizza) to share with us.  So it wasn't all bad.  But humans, take note, those smaller humans are trouble.  Ban them.  Outlaw them.  Do whatever you have to do to make sure they don't invade my house. 

Ssstupid Birthday Partiesss

[I've been a martyr]

Ruru the Cat here.  We have a martyr in our midst.  Can I say how happy I am that I wasn't stuck doing the python did yesterday?  Now, I've been there.  I got hauled all over creation on my person's birthday some years ago.  *Shudder.*  Never again.  I wasn't going to let someone else take over my blog this week because I was going to tell you how sad it is that Grumpy Cat, spokescat of grumpy cats like me everywhere, has died, but I think this is a noble cause.  Besides, if I don't have to write, I can go steal more dog food while they sleep. 

[I don't like carss.] 

Asss the cat sssaid, my human thought it would be a great idea to haul me in a tub in a car yessterday.  It was not a good idea.  It sssucked, asss humanss ssay.  I sspent the whole time in that tub explaining to my human what a bad idea thiss wass.  Finally, he let me ssit on hiss head.  He had heat, sso it sseemed like a good idea.  It took a while to find comfort insside a rumbly thing like a car, but when I could look ahead, it wasss better.  

[Humanss, assk a sserpent's permisssion before you hold them.]

Then, he let all sorts of unknown humanss hold me.  Did I give permisssion?  I think not.  The firsst sset was sscared to touch me.  That was a bit ssatissfying.  But the otherss were not sscared.  They sstopped sshort of sswinging me around, but I wasn't ssure they were going to do sso.  

[Jusst ssay no to birthdayss.]

The worsst part wass it wass cold.  I kept trying to climb into ssomeone'ss shirt or jacket, but no one sseemed to get a hint.  Finally, they sstuck me in my box, in the car, sso I could be warm, and they brought me home.  Thiss whole birthday sstuff is for the birdss or humanss or whatever.  I don't approve.   

Let this be a lesson.  Humans out there, never have a birthday.  And if you do, don't include us.  Ever again. 

Incredible(ish) Journey

[Meet two dumb dogs, Willow and Marty.]

Ruru the Cat here.  I hear my people's relatives had their dogs disappear recently.  I would see that as good news, but their silly humans cried.  Waste of good tears.  Now, if it was a cat that disappeared, I can see losing tears.  Anyway, Marty, their Grand Pyrenees pup, wanted me to share his report of their crazy field trip.

Marty: You just can't believe what we've been through.  You can't believe it.  

Me: You ran away and got scared once you couldn't find home?

Marty: Yeah.  How'd you know?  We were sitting and sitting and sitting there, chained to a steak thing.  I've only had steaks taste good, so when they talked about steaks and stuff, I thought it would be yummy.  Nope, it was just a piece of metal they stuck in the ground to hold our chains.  

That's a stake, dumb dog.  Spelled differently.

[Chained up!  Source]

Marty:  It didn't taste good and wasn't any fun.  We waited and waited and waited for our people to come back, but then I figured they'd NEVER come home.  

Ruru: Let me guess.  They were gone five whole minutes before you got bored.


Marty: It was a LONG five minutes.  Very long.  So, Willow and I decided we had to break free and find them, or they could be gone FOREVER.  We were sure they were lost and gone and needed our help to find home.  So be ran and broke the steak out of the ground.  

Ruru: Stake.  

[Running and running and running through streets-Source]

Marty:  Yeah, that.  And then we ran and ran down the streets looking for our people.  We couldn't find them ANYWHERE.  We looked and looked.  We looked around store fronts and through the streets.  We were joined together with our chains and the stake thingy, so we were always together.  It was exciting and fun!  Until we figured out we were totally lost and couldn't find our way home.  

Ruru: And this is why I don't believe in leaving my house.  Only a moron would leave when you can't find your way home.   Or at all, really.  Home is good.  It's where your food dish is. 

Marty: And toys.  And people.  All I could think of was how much I missed my people and my house and my food.  Mostly my food.  

[A hand reaches out, but it's the wrong hand.  Source]

Marty:  Then, some nice people called to us and took us into their yard.  I was sure they were going to get us to our house when they looked at our tags.  But they didn't.  We just sat there and listened to them plan what to do with us.  And they didn't once say anything about getting us home.  It didn't sound good.  But we were stuck there for three whole days.  I was sure my people would forget about me and run out and buy another dog to eat my food and play with my toys.  I was so sad.  I whimpered the whole time.  So very sad.  Then, one day, they forgot to lock the gate!  And we were running free again!  

[home at last!]

Someone picked us up after that, and I was afraid they were going to take us to that wrong house, but they didn't.  They called our people, and our people took us home!  And no other puppy had stolen my bed or my food or my toys!  My people were there to hug me and love me!  I was so happy!  

Moral of the story.  Don't be a dog.  And if you're going to be a dog, don't be a stupid dog.  And, above all, just stay home.  

They're heeere!

[Me, ditched, all by myself, alone!]

Ruru the Cat here.  So, my stinking people abandoned me again this weekend.  It's been a long time since they pulled that stunt.  Don't they know it's a cat's job to disappear on her people, not people's job to disappear on their cat and make her sit around, bored, with nothing to do but beat up on dogs and kill mice?  I mean, I was TOTALLY abandoned except for a house full of cats, some dogs, and a person with hands.  She did okay snuggling me and everything.  But she isn't MY person.  MY person went and ditched me.  

[Me being adorable.]

I heard rumors they were going to leave, but I didn't think they'd actually do it.  I tried to show them they weren't supposed to leave.  I went to every one of them and let them pet me.  I cuddled my person like a good girl.  I was even adorably hugging my stuffed animal.  How could you want to leave that?  I mean, what's cuter than me, snuggling a stuffed animal?  But, no, they went and disappeared, anyway.  Of all the nerve.  They were gone for three WHOLE days.  How could they survive all that time without the wonder and glory that is me?  It's a sad, dim life that does not have a cat. I almost didn't let my person hug me when she came home.  Almost.  But then, I would have missed my snugglings, and that would not do at all.   

Butt Noodles

[Everything you see here is MINE!]

Ruru the Cat here.  I just don't think you get it.  Humans often don't.  Everything attached to me is MINE.  That means I get to decide what happens to it.  Humans are so presumptuous.  You call us your pets.  You just don't understand humans are our staff, here to serve us.  You need to ask permission if you're going to have the honor of touching a single tuft of our luscious fur.  Sure, if we get in your face, that's an obvious invitation.  If we rub against your hand or arm or something, that's a probable invitation, which can be rescinded at any time.  If we rub against against you then attack your hand, obviously, we were just kidding.  We can be just kidding as often as we like because we own this place and let you live here because we're nice.

[My butt noodle.  Not yours.] 

Okay, now you understand that everything I see, especially everything attached to me, is mine.  So why is it so hard to get that my tail is off-limits?  People keep sitting on it, playing with it, messing with it, petting it.  Come on.  It's my butt noodle, not yours.  If I wanted you to play with it, I'd rub it against you.  But let's be honest.  If I did that, and you tried to pet it, I'd probably kill you, anyway.  'Cuz I was kidding. 

Oooh! Fun!!!!

 

 [I love to play with cats!  This is me asking to play with Ruru.]

Oh, look!  Ruru left the blog open!  Yipyipyippeee!  You know Ruru?  That cat I like to chase except she hides all the time?  I'm Calli!  And Ruru's not here, so I'm gonna make a blog like a big girl!

[Me and my doggie buddies!  We're dogs!]

  
I'm a dog.  You know what a dog is?  It's fun!  Like me and my doggie buddies!  We like to bark and bark and bark and bark and bark and bark at cats!  But people tell us no!  I don't know why because we're just asking them to play!

[Me, meeting a living chewy rope that I want to chew.]

I have a great time!  I get to play and chase cats and play!  I got to meet a snake!  Big snake!  I wanted to play with it because it looked like a chewy rope, but the people wouldn't let me!  Maybe some day!  And I will shake it and shake it and chew on it, and it will be so much fun!  

[Me, thinking about having fun with this lizard.]

And I got to meet a lizard! 

[Me, thinking about having fun with another lizard.]

And another lizard!  I wanted to chew on them and shake them and haul them around!  They looked like so much fun! But nobody would let me!  I'm so sad!!  

[Me meeting something called a hedge something.]

I got to meet this prickly ball, too!  It smelled yummy, but I couldn't figure out how to bite it because it was spiky all over!  I don't know what it is, but I would love to play with it, anyway! 

[Meeting a big, scary dog.]

Oh, and yesterday, I got to meet two big, scary, white dogs!  They were too scary for me to play with them!  I would have tried if I didn't have to leave!  Dogs are fun!  You should get one!!!!

[I get distracted for one stinking moment.  Gah!]

Oh, crap.  I just left to steal some dog food, and that stupid dog crept in and stole my blog.  Dogs are not fun.  Getting chased or barked at or "playing" with dogs is anything but awesome.  That thing's a serious destructobeast.  I kid you not.  Play=death.  Don't listen to a word that smelly dog said.  Man, shows me to turn my back on my computer around here.  I'm gonna go steal more dog food.  Except she's probably snorkeled it down already.  I said no dogs, and I meant it.  
  

Play? Play!

[People are mean.]

Ruru the Cat here.  I thought I was going to actually get to write my own blog this week.  I thought I was going to get to complain all about how cute my person thinks it is to haul my fuzzy butt out into the snow and make me cold and angry.  Or how she tossed me in the snow or how she plays with my whiskers and sometimes even plucks them out.  I had a whole lot of complaining to do this week.  Instead, that stinking dog, Cali, insists it's her turn to steal my blog.  Really?  I just got my blog back from a pincushion on legs.  Gah.

(ME! CALI!)

Hi!  I'm a dog!  I'm Cali!  I'm a dog.  

I knew this was a mistake.  You just repeated yourself.  

Bark bark bark bark!  

In human words, dog.  People don't speak stupid.  

[Me, asking Ruru to play.]

I was just saying I want to play.  Do you want to play with me?  I want to play with you!  I like to play!  I like to chew on my bones and on my toys and on your toys and I'd really like to chew on the cats around here, but they won't let me. 

Darn straight.  You try, you die.  Does that face in that picture say play with me?  I don't think so. 

[I love toys and ornaments and balls and toys.]

I like to go outside and play.  And I like to play with balls and ornaments on the tree and with bones and with cats.  Did you know I like to play with cats?  Oh, look!  A cat!  

Bark bark bark bark bark bark bark! 

Never again.  Never never never again will I let a dog touch my computer.  

[Me with my friends!]

I like to play with my friends, too.  I have lots of friends I like to visit.  Person friends and dog friends that all play with me.  I have two friends here, Twixie and Dodger.  We like to run around and around and around and bark and play and play and play. 

[I, Ruru, stuck this picture here to show that Dodger will let people do just about anything to him.]

[Even this, the cruelest of all human-inflicted torture devices: the bath tub.  Something is wrong with a dog that will let humans do this.]

Dodger doesn't seem to know how to be a puppy, but Twixie is a great puppy!  

Says you.  Useless throw rug if you ask me.  Makes a good butt warmer when he sits in my seat.  

And I like to eat.  Food is yummy.  All food.  I like my food and Twixie and Dodger's food and person food, but my mommy won't let me have much person food.  It's so yummy.  

She's not kidding she likes to eat.  I used to be able to sneak some dog food.  Now, vacuum breath sucks it all down and looks around for more.  Dude.  What does it take to get dog food around here anymore?  And speaking of vacuum, I have never seen a creature that thought that loud, obnoxious, smelly monster was anything but a threat.  Weird Cali likes to play with it.  Not kidding.  Something is just not right with that dog.  

And walks are so great!  I love to go outside and play and play and play and smell everything, but mostly play!  

See my first point.  Outside is the very devil.  You know dogs have real problems if they think there's anything redeemable about the not-so-great outdoors.

[My mommy is so great.  She decided she wanted to look just like me.]

Most of all, I love my mommy!  My mommy is so wonderful!  She gives me food and treat and loves!  She snuggles me to sleep!  

Poor woman has to listen to the piggie snorts of this crazy dog and her buzz saw snores.  Don't know how she sleeps through any of this.  Really, I question that human's sanity that she puts up with it.  Besides, doesn't this dog understand humans are staff?  They provide companionship, yes, but more often are useful for body heat and for giving us what we need.  They are NOT "mommies."  Gah.  My person is my person, not my mommy.  

I'm so happy!  Life is wonderful!  I want to play!  Will you play with me?  

[How life should be: me, my person, my blog, and NO DOGS.  Read the shirt.  'Nuff said.]

Heck, no.  Enough of that nonsense.  Sorry I didn't get to say much this time.  From here on, you'll get to read logic, sense, and gentility.  I promise.  Absolutely no. More. Dogs.  

Play?

A Big, Scary World

[Weird pets.]

Ruru the Cat here.  Remember the cactus rat I mentioned?  Well, she's most insistent she wants to talk.  Really.  That's nuts.  Who ever heard of a rodent...rat...cactus...thing that can type?  But she's got all these spikes, and she scares me 'cuz I haven't figured out how to survive eating her.  So here she is.

[A home where I could be happy.]

I came here a couple of weeks ago, from a place I was happy in a cage I was happy with people that made me happy.  Here, there are scary smells EVERYWHERE.  And scary animals making scary smells. Like the cat I just had to chase away, so I could tell you about my plight.  The only place I am truly happy is in my cage that smells like me with my bowl full of cat food and worms and my wheel and my water bottle.  

Did you just say CAT FOOD?  They're feeding you MY food?  People are jerks.  You need to go.  Oh, crap.  Get those spikes away from me. 

Then, they even changed the cage out for a smaller one that crowds all my stuff in and does not smell like me. I curled up in my little hidey for two days because it was the only thing that smelled like me.  Even the blanket was wrong.  It was cold enough, I finally rearranged it to get warm.  

[Me, sitting and trembling because of nearby people.]

They grab me almost every night, and it scares me.  I just sit and tremble and hope my spikes scare them away.  I sometimes peek out, but then a big, scary animal will sniff me.  I even tried peeing on anyone who held me.  Didn't work.  

Well, then, last night, the person with the funny smells that usually grabs and holds me was wearing a warm, comfy blanket.  I wanted to rearrange it and make a new nest.  She felt like my mommy.  I got so excited climbing all over her.  I even found a little bump to try to chew.  She kind of screamed and dropped me, which scared me.  But I got up and chased all over her again.  I am super happy with that person if she's gonna feel like mommy.  

[Look at this weirdness.]

Yeah, I heard the scream when my person's mommy got bitten in an awkward place. It was heelarious.  Looked like the cactus rat was trying to nurse like a baby.  I about died.  As long as this cactus rat doesn't climb all over me or try to bite me in awkward, painful places.  Man, people have weird taste in pets.  

Cheating on Me

[My person doing rude things with my ears, but also paying attention to the RIGHT thing: ME!]

Ruru the Cat here.  I know my person is cheating on me.  Twice this week, she's disappeared to somewhere else and come back smelling like dogs.  I mean, LOTS of dogs.  Little ones that smell fresh and new.  And when my people walked in the door, they were talking about these puppies.  They were feeding these little things.  From my experience, dogs will pretty much eat anything.  Why give them actual food?

[Mountain of attention-grabbing monsters.]

I scoped out my person's mom's pictures.  It's confirmed.  My person is actually ditching me to hang out with dogs.  LITTLE dogs.  And if they're as obnoxious as little cats, the only thing she could do that was worse was bringing them HERE.  We HAVE a puppy.  It's obnoxious and loud.  I think they said something about the number TEN.  What could one possibly do with ten annoying, slobbery little useless things?  And why spend time that way when you could actually spend time with ME?

[Ignore this picture.  There's nothing cute about it.  It's all about me.]

I just don't get why my person would choose them over me.  I'm cute, aren't I?  I'm loving and sweet.  I'm the center of the world.  Why do you need anything else?

Abandoned...alone...forsaken...forever!

(Where are they?) 

Ruru the Cat here.  My person left me forever!  One day, they were all there, and the next, they were just gone.  They've left before for a couple of days, sometimes even several days.  But this has been over a week, which in cat years is FOREVER AND EVER!!!!!

I don't know what I'm going to do if my people don't ever come back.  I mean, they did me the favor of disappearing the dogs, which is great.  But I want them back, especially my person.  They did send someone to check on us.  When I heard the door open, I was just sure it would be my people.  But it wasn't!  It was just the Others who sometimes visit but aren't mine. 

What do I do if my person doesn't show up?  I can't snuggle myself.  We're rapidly running out of the entire huge bucket of food they left for us.  The water is getting kind of stale and just not so yummy anymore.  I wonder if I can sneak into the boy's room and eat those lizards.  I wonder if I can find my way inside the sealed place where they keep meat cold.  I wonder if the dogs will come back so we can maybe eat them.  But most of all, I wonder when will my person come back?  Does she hate me now?  Oh, the horror!  I'm so traumatized I think I'll take a nap now.