Ssstupid Birthday Partiesss

[I've been a martyr]

Ruru the Cat here.  We have a martyr in our midst.  Can I say how happy I am that I wasn't stuck doing the python did yesterday?  Now, I've been there.  I got hauled all over creation on my person's birthday some years ago.  *Shudder.*  Never again.  I wasn't going to let someone else take over my blog this week because I was going to tell you how sad it is that Grumpy Cat, spokescat of grumpy cats like me everywhere, has died, but I think this is a noble cause.  Besides, if I don't have to write, I can go steal more dog food while they sleep. 

[I don't like carss.] 

Asss the cat sssaid, my human thought it would be a great idea to haul me in a tub in a car yessterday.  It was not a good idea.  It sssucked, asss humanss ssay.  I sspent the whole time in that tub explaining to my human what a bad idea thiss wass.  Finally, he let me ssit on hiss head.  He had heat, sso it sseemed like a good idea.  It took a while to find comfort insside a rumbly thing like a car, but when I could look ahead, it wasss better.  

[Humanss, assk a sserpent's permisssion before you hold them.]

Then, he let all sorts of unknown humanss hold me.  Did I give permisssion?  I think not.  The firsst sset was sscared to touch me.  That was a bit ssatissfying.  But the otherss were not sscared.  They sstopped sshort of sswinging me around, but I wasn't ssure they were going to do sso.  

[Jusst ssay no to birthdayss.]

The worsst part wass it wass cold.  I kept trying to climb into ssomeone'ss shirt or jacket, but no one sseemed to get a hint.  Finally, they sstuck me in my box, in the car, sso I could be warm, and they brought me home.  Thiss whole birthday sstuff is for the birdss or humanss or whatever.  I don't approve.   

Let this be a lesson.  Humans out there, never have a birthday.  And if you do, don't include us.  Ever again. 

Bath Is a Four-letter Word

[Me, under threat of bath]

Ruru the Cat here.  I HATE baths.  Hate them.  I'm of the firm belief that anyone who thinks baths are a good idea should be used as a scratching post.  I mean, baths are bad news.  Nothing good (except warm water to drink) has EVER come from a bath.  Today, my mean old person was threatening to throw me in the bath.  She laughed the whole time and even ran a little water just to convince me she really meant it.  That's COLD.  Okay, the water was warm, but just threatening a cat with a bath is as bad as threatening a human child with vegetables and a mouse with a fun game of cat-and-mouse.  Bad things, I tell you, bad things. 


And just to prove that baths are bad and that all bath tubs should be thrown out and burned, I thought I'd bring in all the others to help me with a scientific survey like the one I did to prove vacuums were the very devil.  You remember how valid and totally convincing that was?  Well, here we go again.  But this time, we'll start with the cats because cats are smarter than dogs. 

[Toothless, up to his questionable and almost bath-like drinking in the sink.]

Okay, fellow cats, if you don't want me to eat your dinner tonight, agree with me that any water touching the fur is just wrong and likely to cause a cat to melt into a puddle of ooze. 

Maya:  What do you mean, you'll eat my dinner?  It's my dinner.  I will hiss at you if you try.  I'm older than you by a lot.  That makes me the alpha.  Don't mess with my dinner. 

Me:  Fine, whatever, old cat.  I wouldn't brag.  Tell me how nasty baths are. 

Maya:  I don't like water except to drink, but I've never taken a bath.  I don't think I'd like one.

Me:  I think you just said you agree with me.  Hey, Cass, I'll let you live if you agree, too. 

Cass:  Quit looking at me.  You scare me. S o do baths, though I've never had one.  But I don't mind letting water drip down my face when it's fresh and comes from the tap. 

Me: I'll take that as a yes, baths are pure evil.  Okay, Toothless.  Tell me how nasty water is. 

Toothless:  Cass is right.  Fresh water from the tap is awesome, even if it does get me wet.  Not much for baths, but I love that fresh water. 

Me:  No, all water on the fur is bad.  It should not  happen.  It could melt you.  My person has given me baths before.  They are bad.  They are terrifying. 

[Dodger, modeling his wet-rat-post-bath look.[

Okay, dogs.  What do you say about baths?  Think carefully, so I don't have to hurt you. 

Dodger:  Cat!  Barkbarkbarkbarkbark! 

Me:  What he means is baths are scary and bad.  He actually had one last week.  Looked like a drowned rat.  It was hilarious.  He spent the whole time whining to get out.  I about died laughing.

[Ain't he pitiful?]

Twixie:  I hate baths.  Hate 'em.  I think my person is picking me up to love me and give me treats, but then, she sticks me in the water and gets me wet and puts nasty stuff on me and sprays me off and I hate it until she picks me up and holds me and rubs me off and gives me treats.  Okay, so maybe baths aren't so bad. 

Me:  Who asked you? 

Twixie:  Uh... you did. 

Me:  Whatever.  Calli?

Calli:  I like baths.  Well, this tub scared me and made me slip. 

Me:  You almost did a backflip.  It was great!

Calli:  I like some tubs, but this one is really big and hard to escape.  But baths aren't so bad because my person loves me. 

[Seriously?  That is not a look of terror on that bathing creature's face.  What is wrong with this thing?]

Me:  Okay, enough wasting time with dogs.  Weirdos in the boy human's room? 

Hedgehog:  You're scary!  Baths are awesome, but you have teeth and claws.  Don't eat me!

Python:  Man, I could use a long soak in a nice, warm tub.  Mmmmm baths. 

Beardie:  Bath?  Where?  I would very much appreciate a lengthy period of time allowing my dry scales to absorb much-needed moisture. 

Leopard gecko:  Bath?  What's a bath? '

Me:  And there you have it.  We all agree baths should be cast into the great abyss.  Now, how do you get humans to read this, so I can prove baths should not exist? 

Oooh! Fun!!!!

 

 [I love to play with cats!  This is me asking to play with Ruru.]

Oh, look!  Ruru left the blog open!  Yipyipyippeee!  You know Ruru?  That cat I like to chase except she hides all the time?  I'm Calli!  And Ruru's not here, so I'm gonna make a blog like a big girl!

[Me and my doggie buddies!  We're dogs!]

  
I'm a dog.  You know what a dog is?  It's fun!  Like me and my doggie buddies!  We like to bark and bark and bark and bark and bark and bark at cats!  But people tell us no!  I don't know why because we're just asking them to play!

[Me, meeting a living chewy rope that I want to chew.]

I have a great time!  I get to play and chase cats and play!  I got to meet a snake!  Big snake!  I wanted to play with it because it looked like a chewy rope, but the people wouldn't let me!  Maybe some day!  And I will shake it and shake it and chew on it, and it will be so much fun!  

[Me, thinking about having fun with this lizard.]

And I got to meet a lizard! 

[Me, thinking about having fun with another lizard.]

And another lizard!  I wanted to chew on them and shake them and haul them around!  They looked like so much fun! But nobody would let me!  I'm so sad!!  

[Me meeting something called a hedge something.]

I got to meet this prickly ball, too!  It smelled yummy, but I couldn't figure out how to bite it because it was spiky all over!  I don't know what it is, but I would love to play with it, anyway! 

[Meeting a big, scary dog.]

Oh, and yesterday, I got to meet two big, scary, white dogs!  They were too scary for me to play with them!  I would have tried if I didn't have to leave!  Dogs are fun!  You should get one!!!!

[I get distracted for one stinking moment.  Gah!]

Oh, crap.  I just left to steal some dog food, and that stupid dog crept in and stole my blog.  Dogs are not fun.  Getting chased or barked at or "playing" with dogs is anything but awesome.  That thing's a serious destructobeast.  I kid you not.  Play=death.  Don't listen to a word that smelly dog said.  Man, shows me to turn my back on my computer around here.  I'm gonna go steal more dog food.  Except she's probably snorkeled it down already.  I said no dogs, and I meant it.  
  

Summertime Blues

[Feeling alone and forsaken.]

Ruru the Cat here.  My person is a big fat jerk.  She LEFT me for FOUR WHOLE DAYS!!!!  Four days!  Cats just don't live as long as people.  You may call it four days, but I call it a BAZILLION days 'cuz that's what it felt like.  It was great to have a break from the dogs.  And I loved that my person left the whole barrel of cat food open, so I could get as much as I could cram into my little tummy.  But it just didn't make up for a bazillion days without my person.  Ah, man.  The dumb dog wants to talk about his little piffling "trauma."  Seriously.  I'm sure it can't compete with what I suffered. 

(You wouldn't leave an adorable friend like me, would you?)

Twixie the dog here.  It was so very hard.  I was all alone in the backyard of almost strangers.

                           (Me. Dodger.)  

I was there, too.  You weren't alone.   

Whatever, Dodger.  You don't count.  You're not my person.  Be a good boy and play dead.  I was ALL ALONE in that backyard for DAYS and DAYS.  A scary dog next door barked and barked and barked.  The annoying Pomeranian in my kennel ate all my food.  

Who could eat with my mommy gone?  

Shut up, Dodger.  That dumb dog ate all my food, leaving me starving and with water that tasted old.  But worst of all, my  person was gone.  It was dark and cold and dark.  And there was no mommy!  It was terrible.  But, now, we're home.  So it's good and wonderful and great again.  Life is beautiful! 

Yup yup yup.  

Shut up, Dodger.  

                                                  (Me, glaring because dogs are stupid.)

Shut up both of you.  Just 'cuz my person is back doesn't mean I have to forgive her right away.  She even had the nerve to come back smelling funky like fire and trees and rotten eggs.  Oh, and bacon.  She was clearly eating bacon without sharing.  I think she said something about Yellowstone.  I don't get what that means, but I won't forgive her in a hurry.  I'll let her snuggle me and feed me and snuggle me some more.  But I'm still pretty upset and bet you she'll leave me again soon. 

                                       (Humans?  Who needs humans?)

asdfdsg Mammalssss are pitiful.  We reptilesss do not need humanssss.  Mine returned and offered me a rat and some body heat, but I could live quite niccccely for daysss and daysss without a perssson.  jlkkl/

SHUT UP, KEYLIME PYTHON!!!  All us fluffy types agree that the snakey part of this blog needs to curl up in a corner somewhere and stop writing on my blog, especially with the way you have to slither across the keyboard , writing random crap to get there.    People should never abandon their innocent animals, not for four days or four hours.  Ever.  That's a way more important rule than how to feed me properly, like I talked about last week. 

Rule number one.  Never.  Leave.  The.  Cat. 

The NOT so Great Outdoors, part 2

[Not my happy face.]

Ruru the Cat here.  Remember how I told you about this terrible, horrible place last week?  Well, it turns out there are animals here in this very house that LIKE to go outside.  Do they not know this very week water fell from the sky on ME?  These weirdos don't just like it.  They get EXCITED about going there.  *Shudder.*  They like to go on WALKS.  Like on a leash.  Can you imagine?  I know, you're wondering what kind of insanity is this.

[Me, a sssnake in the grasss.]

qwwdfg  Out of the way, cat.  I sssaid nothing about a leassssh.  I do not approve of any sssuch thing.  Keylime Python here.  Or that'sss what the humansss call me.  I allow the juvenile male human to haul me to the grasss and then on in his handsss or arm or head on walksss because of he sssmellsss.  I can sssmell rodentsss all around, old and new, large and small.  I can sssmell lesssser sssnakes, those like me but sssmaller.  It is a fassscinating voyage of resssearch.  I can't get enough.  I learn ssso much.  The cat knowsss not of which ssshe ssspeaksss.  jlk;;;

[The snake that vomits water.  Stupid snakes.]

Yeah, yeah, shut up, snake.  Wish you didn't have to type all that nonsense coming and going just because a LESSER life form like a snake can't use their toes to type like a proper animal.  They have to slither.  I saw something that looked just like you but was spewing water.  I like the mouse smells, but they're too far away to do me any good.  If the mice aren't here and now, in my claws, they're boring.  Snakes know nothing.

[Yay for walks!]

Hey, me.  This is Twix.  I'm a pomchi.  I'm here, too.  I want to speak.  'Cuz outside is awesome.  The awesomest of awesome.  The only thing awesomer is WALKS.  'Cuz they're awesome.  The smells!  See, the snake gets that right.  The smells come from everywhere!  I get to wade through grass and find more smells!  Yay!

[WALK!!!!]

What Twix said.  Walks!!!!

[Me in a proper feline habitat: inside, with my person, on my keyboard.] 

Whatever, Dodger and Twix.  Ruru, the voice of reason, back again to remind all of you whose blog this is.  Never go outside.  Ever.  It's terrifying.  Just nightmarish, with its cars and predators and spaces.  Oh my!  I'm a cat.  I know better.  Just don't go there.

Creepy Crawlies

(Me, being all the pet a person could want.)

Ruru the Cat here.  Crazy things have been going on in the cold-blooded end of the house.  I just don't understand why the people types around here even need reptiles when they have us, the warm fuzzies.  It is a mystery to me.  But humans are weird like that.  Oh, crap.  Here comes that stupid snake again.  I would roll my eyes, but I haven't figured out how. 

(The juvenile human ssssharing his body heat.)

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzsdfsg Ssssorry about that.  Sssslithering acrosssss the keyboard tendssss to result in too many buttonssss pressssed.  Hello, there.  Thissss issss Key Lime Python again.  Thingssss are sssso good around here.  The male juvenile human haulsss me around, sssso I can ssssmell everything.  I know there are rodentssss.  I jusssst haven't found them.  He will wear me assss a hat or assss an armband or assss a necklaccccce.  Then, when I make it clear I am done, he putssss me back in my housssse, sssso I can hide in my sssssnake cave.  When I get hungry, the male juvenile feedssss me.  He no ssssooner offerssss me a rat then I ssssnap it up.  All issss right with the world. It issss not my drama the feline mentionssss.  It issss that of the lizardssss.  

(My fellow reptile, who moved into my old room.)

The bearded dragon has jussst moved into my old cage, which issss huge for her, though it was tiny for me.  Ssssshe is content.  The large leopard gecko issssss happy, too.  I just watched her ssssssshed.  

(This is what the larger leopard gecko looksss like.)

But the little leopard gecko got sssssick and could not catch cricketssss.  The large human female fed her by hand, but it wasssss not enough.  Sssshe did not make it.  It isssss a tragedy to losssse any reptile.  I know they are lesssser creaturessss to a large ssssnake like me, but thissss issss sssstill a tragedy.  The feline returnssss.  hljl;k/4354322. 


Ruru again.  Aw, come on, snake.  You seriously just stole my blog to talk about some wriggly little lizard?  At least we agree those lizards are lesser creatures.  They're PREY, not tragedy.  Now, a cat treat going to a dog.  That's a real tragedy.  Silly reptiles.  Blogs are for cats. 

Playing with Ribbons

                                           [This cat gets to play with HER ribbon.  Why can't I?]

Ruru the Cat here.  People are strange.  They've had all this crazy drama with that bearded dragon's cage getting knocked over and everything.  You'd think people would get tired of chasing stuff like that around.  But instead of getting rid of the useless reptile thingies they won't let me play with, they get MORE.  This week, they've been talking all about something they call a ribbon snake.

 I'm not sure what a snake is, but I gather it's something small and almost lizard-like I'm not supposed to eat.   But it's called a RIBBON snake.  Don't they know cats like to play with ribbons?

Anyway, so the thing got out right after they put it in some kind of cage.  They turned the place upside down looking for it.  I could have found it.  And played with it.  And eaten it.  But they didn't ask for my help.  Obviously, they don't know what they're doing.  Shortly after that, this weird message appears on my screen: cxlvskjdv...i'mfree!sssssssssslithered free!Hahahahsldkfjsldkfj.  And my keyboard smelled funny after that.  But then they found the ribbon thing again.  Even without very useful eyes or noses or anything.  They called it a miracle, and I guess they weren't kidding.  From what I can tell, the ribbon thing is tiny.   People just don't like to learn from their mistakes I guess.  Silly people.