Crunch but no Munch

[The sun behaving properly by revolving around the cat.]

Ruru the Cat here.  I had just slipped out of my person's room for the night to find me some dinner when I heard an extra large crunch from outside the house.  I figured, hey, it's outside the house.  who cares?  Except then, instead of feeding me like a good little human should, BOTH people whose primary responsibility it is to feed me went running outside.  Something about an "accident."  So, of course, we four-legged members of the household had to take turns watching out the window to see what could POSSIBLY be more important than feeding us.  Come on, people, the answer to this should be obvious: nothing.  Nothing should be more important than feeding us. 

[Smashed car in the middle of the road.]

So when I got my turn looking out, I saw nothing interesting, just a smashed car in the middle of the highway and cars zipping around it at full speed and my person's dad out there, showing people how to get around it.  I mean, how is that more important than dinner?  I ask you.  Heard something about "drunk driver" or whatever. 

[Flashy, blinky lights]

Then, the annoying flashy lights showed up, and my people finally came back in the house to prove they know what's really important in life, which is feeding cats. Seriously, if any people are out there reading this, just remember nothing, not car accidents, meteor strikes, earthquakes, choking, death or anything else should distract you from what life is truly all about.  Cats.   Any questions?

Ssstupid Birthday Partiesss

[I've been a martyr]

Ruru the Cat here.  We have a martyr in our midst.  Can I say how happy I am that I wasn't stuck doing the python did yesterday?  Now, I've been there.  I got hauled all over creation on my person's birthday some years ago.  *Shudder.*  Never again.  I wasn't going to let someone else take over my blog this week because I was going to tell you how sad it is that Grumpy Cat, spokescat of grumpy cats like me everywhere, has died, but I think this is a noble cause.  Besides, if I don't have to write, I can go steal more dog food while they sleep. 

[I don't like carss.] 

Asss the cat sssaid, my human thought it would be a great idea to haul me in a tub in a car yessterday.  It was not a good idea.  It sssucked, asss humanss ssay.  I sspent the whole time in that tub explaining to my human what a bad idea thiss wass.  Finally, he let me ssit on hiss head.  He had heat, sso it sseemed like a good idea.  It took a while to find comfort insside a rumbly thing like a car, but when I could look ahead, it wasss better.  

[Humanss, assk a sserpent's permisssion before you hold them.]

Then, he let all sorts of unknown humanss hold me.  Did I give permisssion?  I think not.  The firsst sset was sscared to touch me.  That was a bit ssatissfying.  But the otherss were not sscared.  They sstopped sshort of sswinging me around, but I wasn't ssure they were going to do sso.  

[Jusst ssay no to birthdayss.]

The worsst part wass it wass cold.  I kept trying to climb into ssomeone'ss shirt or jacket, but no one sseemed to get a hint.  Finally, they sstuck me in my box, in the car, sso I could be warm, and they brought me home.  Thiss whole birthday sstuff is for the birdss or humanss or whatever.  I don't approve.   

Let this be a lesson.  Humans out there, never have a birthday.  And if you do, don't include us.  Ever again. 

Incredible(ish) Journey

[Meet two dumb dogs, Willow and Marty.]

Ruru the Cat here.  I hear my people's relatives had their dogs disappear recently.  I would see that as good news, but their silly humans cried.  Waste of good tears.  Now, if it was a cat that disappeared, I can see losing tears.  Anyway, Marty, their Grand Pyrenees pup, wanted me to share his report of their crazy field trip.

Marty: You just can't believe what we've been through.  You can't believe it.  

Me: You ran away and got scared once you couldn't find home?

Marty: Yeah.  How'd you know?  We were sitting and sitting and sitting there, chained to a steak thing.  I've only had steaks taste good, so when they talked about steaks and stuff, I thought it would be yummy.  Nope, it was just a piece of metal they stuck in the ground to hold our chains.  

That's a stake, dumb dog.  Spelled differently.

[Chained up!  Source]

Marty:  It didn't taste good and wasn't any fun.  We waited and waited and waited for our people to come back, but then I figured they'd NEVER come home.  

Ruru: Let me guess.  They were gone five whole minutes before you got bored.


Marty: It was a LONG five minutes.  Very long.  So, Willow and I decided we had to break free and find them, or they could be gone FOREVER.  We were sure they were lost and gone and needed our help to find home.  So be ran and broke the steak out of the ground.  

Ruru: Stake.  

[Running and running and running through streets-Source]

Marty:  Yeah, that.  And then we ran and ran down the streets looking for our people.  We couldn't find them ANYWHERE.  We looked and looked.  We looked around store fronts and through the streets.  We were joined together with our chains and the stake thingy, so we were always together.  It was exciting and fun!  Until we figured out we were totally lost and couldn't find our way home.  

Ruru: And this is why I don't believe in leaving my house.  Only a moron would leave when you can't find your way home.   Or at all, really.  Home is good.  It's where your food dish is. 

Marty: And toys.  And people.  All I could think of was how much I missed my people and my house and my food.  Mostly my food.  

[A hand reaches out, but it's the wrong hand.  Source]

Marty:  Then, some nice people called to us and took us into their yard.  I was sure they were going to get us to our house when they looked at our tags.  But they didn't.  We just sat there and listened to them plan what to do with us.  And they didn't once say anything about getting us home.  It didn't sound good.  But we were stuck there for three whole days.  I was sure my people would forget about me and run out and buy another dog to eat my food and play with my toys.  I was so sad.  I whimpered the whole time.  So very sad.  Then, one day, they forgot to lock the gate!  And we were running free again!  

[home at last!]

Someone picked us up after that, and I was afraid they were going to take us to that wrong house, but they didn't.  They called our people, and our people took us home!  And no other puppy had stolen my bed or my food or my toys!  My people were there to hug me and love me!  I was so happy!  

Moral of the story.  Don't be a dog.  And if you're going to be a dog, don't be a stupid dog.  And, above all, just stay home.  

They're heeere!

[Me, ditched, all by myself, alone!]

Ruru the Cat here.  So, my stinking people abandoned me again this weekend.  It's been a long time since they pulled that stunt.  Don't they know it's a cat's job to disappear on her people, not people's job to disappear on their cat and make her sit around, bored, with nothing to do but beat up on dogs and kill mice?  I mean, I was TOTALLY abandoned except for a house full of cats, some dogs, and a person with hands.  She did okay snuggling me and everything.  But she isn't MY person.  MY person went and ditched me.  

[Me being adorable.]

I heard rumors they were going to leave, but I didn't think they'd actually do it.  I tried to show them they weren't supposed to leave.  I went to every one of them and let them pet me.  I cuddled my person like a good girl.  I was even adorably hugging my stuffed animal.  How could you want to leave that?  I mean, what's cuter than me, snuggling a stuffed animal?  But, no, they went and disappeared, anyway.  Of all the nerve.  They were gone for three WHOLE days.  How could they survive all that time without the wonder and glory that is me?  It's a sad, dim life that does not have a cat. I almost didn't let my person hug me when she came home.  Almost.  But then, I would have missed my snugglings, and that would not do at all.