Purradise!

(A world that revolves around me=joy)

This week was amazing!  Ruru the Cat here.  The kitten menace disappeared Monday and must have taken the boy and my person's dad with it because they all disappeared all week long... so I pretty much had my person to myself all week.  Her mom was here, doing something boring called "grading" for something she called a "class," but it looked like a lot of staring at that screen thing without nearly enough petting of the four-legged friends of the house like me.  But that was okay because there were no kittens to be found anywhere!  I got to replace all of her smells with mine.  I got to hang out with my person all I wanted with no one to stop me or kick me out except at night when I really don't much want to be cooped up, anyway. 

(Me, getting all the love I could wish)

It was great.  I had total control of the house.  Except for the annoying other cats and the dogs, but they all know I'm in charge.  I had total control of the kitchen because the kitten didn't take my place on the chair to ask for food every time the fridge door opened.  I could eat all the fishie crackers I would wish.  I could sneak into the adult people's bedroom and have peace and quiet without worrying about the kitten's obnoxiously loud purr disrupting my peace of mind.  I could steal the dogs' food all I like because the dogs are too dumb to stop me, and the kitten wasn't there to beat me to it. 

(Seriously?  Fake mice do not fool me)

One day this week, my person even brought home a can of soft meat just for me!  She said something about my "birthday," whatever that is, and also stuck a stuffed mouse that vibrates under my nose.  Like I can't tell that from a real mouse. 

(Yesssss!)

But the best part was the can, oh, the can.  Had the kitten been here, I know she would have stolen it.  Oh, at the end of the week, the guys showed up again.  I was afraid that meant the kitten would be back, but I still have all those hands to pet me and hold me all to myself!  Yay for me!

Eeeeeeeeevile!

(The face of EVIL!  Tremble in fear!)

I hinted that the worst thing EVER happened this week.  Ruru the Cat here.  I can't even speak of it.  Forget I said anything.  I'll be hiding up and away, as far away as I can, and hold perfectly still so IT doesn't notice me.  I've been hiding all week in my OWN HOUSE because of this monstrosity.

But I have to tell SOMEONE.  No one around here seems to understand the depth of the depravity of this horror, this terror, this KITTEN.  I can only hope it's temporary, that someone comes along and steals it, or that it goes back to the abyss from whence it came.

(See that word on my person's shirt?  Yeah.  Sums it up for me.)

It showed up just after I started the last blog.  I was hoping it was some kind of nightmare, that all I had to do was take a nap, and it would go away.  But no matter how many naps I took, it was still THERE, hissing and growling at me every time my clearly-deluded person picks both of us up at the same time, as if that will somehow make us less likely to kill each other.  As long as my person is hidden away in her room, that evil thing can't sneak in.  I can be safe behind closed doors in her room, under her bed.

But then she does a crazy thing called walk out, as if needing to eat or go to the bathroom somehow outweighed the need to hide.  I mean, litter box.  Hello?  Besides, she has FISHIE CRACKERS.  You don't need other food when you have those?

(Insane bundle of insanity kills anything that moves.)

But then, I get stuck outside of her room, and that thing is bouncing around everywhere, attacking anything that moves and several things that don't.  It's a bundle of energy, hopping around like a crazed, sharp-toothed bunny.  I know when it gets done killing cords and stuffed toys and bits of fluff on the floor or whatever, it's going to kill me next.

And people just don't get how dangerous having a monster around like this is.  They actually give some of my lovings to this thing, even when it attacks them.  The dogs don't even seem to mind it, even when it hisses and growls.  The other cats will growl when it comes too close, but otherwise, they don't seem to mind its presence.  Am I the only sane one around here?  What is the world coming to that they give it my food, allow it to eat my cheese and meat, and set it to romp around the house without getting rid of it?  They will even sometimes sleep with it in their room.  Aren't they afraid it will kill them in their sleep?  Where did this beast come from, and when is it going back?

Rubber Chicken!

Ruru the Cat here.  There I was, minding my business, when someone showed up with this monstrosity.  It may LOOK like a chicken, but it sure doesn't smell or taste like one.  It's this ugly thing that smells like rubber and make really LOUD noises.  I just don't get why I need one of these things in my house.  It's not only annoying, it's something far worse: it's INEDIBLE!  Why would anyone want a chicken they can't even eat?

But as bad as this is, I have a bigger nightmare to report next week.  It's just too unspeakable to mention by name.  My people must hate me.  Really. 

The Fourth of Something

(person sharing joy-of-the-mouth)

Ruru the Cat here.  I know why people have nasty mouths (my person sticks my face in her mouth as if I'm some kind of human dentist regularly, so I should know).  People eat weird stuff.  I mean, really weird stuff.  So a few days ago, when everyone was wearing red, white, and blue (yes, we can see colors; no, we don't care--not sure what people's fixation is with such things 'cuz it doesn't help you hunt) and talking about "fireworks" and "the fourth" (the fourth what?  Who cares?), my people brought home a lovely plate of yumminess from breakfast out of the house.  It had eggs, bacon, and ham that my person happily shared with me.  That part was fabulous.

(just ew.)

But why did they have to sully such a lovely plate with nasty potatoes?  I don't care how they're cooked.  They're still nasty.  Kind of like just about anything green that isn't lettuce, which people also eat.  And my person wanted me to sample everything.  When I saw the cup, I got excited because I was thinking, "Milk!  Heaven!"  But no, it had this terrible-smelling orange stuff inside that made me want to vomit.  What in the world is that all about?  Who would put such rotten-smelling stuff in their mouth?  But my person did and wanted me to sample it!  Seriously?  How can my person be so smart about so many things and not know how yucky it smells?

(I've seen a lot of pictures like this around, but not sure what it is.  Sure doesn't look pleasant.)

Then, they all left for hours and hours until long after it was dark outside, and when they came back, they all smelled like meat (yum--but they didn't bring me any--boo!) and this really terrible smell like gunpowder or something.  It was all over them, like they'd been blowing stuff up.  I hate to think what they were eating to make that smell.  I just don't get people at all.

Anatomy Lessons for the Uneducated

Ruru the Cat here.  People just don't understand how we, the true rulers of the planet, see our anatomy.  I mean, you look in books but just don't get the real story.  So here it is.  I allowed the snake to do her own because she threatened to catch my mice before I could.  Meanie.

I don't, however, give the dogs enough credit to know what their own rump looks like.  Here's theirs.

And here's mine.  Take notes and learn it well, and I might let you live.  Maybe.  

Now, you know.  Don't let me catch you messing up, or my killers will get you.  And I have a bunch.