The Dreaded V-Word

[Do I look like I want to suffer like this?]

Ruru the Cat here. This has been a really rough few months. First, my family brought kittens into the house. Lots of kittens. So many kittens. At least ten, though it felt like a hundred. Then, they kept one. Seriously. There were already eight cats here. We did not need another. The youngest was four, but you could have fooled me. They all look and act like kittens. But it got worse. I know. Hard to believe. Those kittens brought eye infection into the house. Yeah, it sucked for everyone else when they all got that eye goo. But worst of all, they gave it to me. ME. I do not deserve this. I don't even like kittens. And that new one keeps trying to invade my room.  It's mine. Go away, Roswell.  

This grievous injury was apparently not enough torture. My people started putting burning eye drops into my eyes. I don't approve. I didn't want it, still don't want it. But when the drops didn't work, they stuck me in a box, that cage-like box. Such a nightmare. 

[The very devil.]

Was that enough torture? Of course not. They hauled that box into the scary world of OUTSIDE. Without my permission. And stuck me in a CAR. A CAR. Just no. The thing is loud and stinks. This is torture. There must be laws against this kind of horror. 

[Strapped down.]

They strapped my box into that stupid car, so there was no way I could escape. As if I've figured out a way outside the box. *Shudder.* I don't understand how this could possibly be a good idea. How do humans tolerate this kind of treatment? They even seem to like that, almost as much as the singularly dense dogs we have. 

[That horrible V word.]

The car was so loud and the box uncomfortable. But that was nothing on my getting hauled into the big building they call the vet. Yes, that's the V-word. VET. Not a good word. The thing is full of sounds of tortured souls and the smells of big, scary dogs and cats. I was sure I was gonna DIE. What did I do to deserve oo of this? 

[The chamber of horrors.] 

Then, strangers stared at me and talked about me as if I wasn't in the room. Even my person did this. It was just awful. I vaguely remember going a place like that before and getting poked and prodded and fed nasty stuff. I hope that was a false memory of nightmares past. I've heard some animals like me go into that place and never return. How can you humans live with yourselves, knowing there are nightmares like this in the world? 

[Back into the box]

Finally, we headed home. It was actually a relief to be stuck in the box and then into that loud, obnoxious car. At least it meant my ordeal was almost over. Now, I put up with that nasty, burning goo in my eye as long as I don't have to go back through all of that again. 

Doggie Fieldtrips I Don't Envy

 

[As far from home as I want to get--the living room.]

Ruru the Cat here. I would tell you why I haven't written in a while, but cats don't give up their secrets. So I don't leave the house. Ever. I don't want to. It's scary out there. There are monsters that killed my brother. There are monsters that would be happy to kill me, flying monsters, rolling monsters with engines, fluffy monsters. I hear about them but don't want to meet them, myself. I've only ever left the house against my will. But the dogs will often run out of the house like it's an exciting thing. As I've said before, dogs are nuts. 

[Our house panther/bully.]

Often, the dogs just run out back. Sometimes, they go on walks. On a LEASH. And they LIKE it. It makes absolutely no sense. For a while, my people scammed Dude into thinking he was a dog and got him to go out on a leash. Soon enough, he figured out he was a cat. Now, he's a panther who rules the house. No one would dare take him for a walk now. Though they sometimes grab him and hold him and pet him. It does NOT make him happy. He's four times my size. I have nothing to do with him if I can help it. 

[Leaving the house: it's a TRAP.]

Well, field trips can get worse. Much MUCH worse. One time, Bean left with a smile on his face, and it turned out they tricked him into a BATH. There are real reasons I don't go anywhere. I never can tell if they're going to trick me into a bath. *Shudder.*

[Bean at the Vet: Just no.]

Oh, but it can get worse still. Recently, they took both dogs out, and both were so happy. But then, they dragged them to the VET. I can't imagine a worse field trip than getting stabbed and poked and prodded like that. Let me tell you that going outside is just a bad idea. Friends don't let friends leave the house. If someone invites you to leave EVER, just say no. 

Worse than Kittens

[Annoying visitors.]

Ruru the Cat here. Yeah, turns out there's something worse than visiting kittens. That's visiting puppies. Our neighbors like to bring some over here. I'm glad, like the kittens, those stupid puppies are temporary visitors. But still. One of them, at least, is little. Little but fast, enthusiastic, and all about stealing my people. It's hard to dodge something that moves that fast. 

[Much Worse: Another Yeti.]

It got much worse when the puppy was a zillion times bigger than me, a yeti like our former neighbors had. Those things are MONSTERS. The puppies are all about introducing themselves by sniffing your butt. Nothing says scary like a monster sniffing your rear end. They don't seem to understand a cat's butt noodle is sacred and should NOT be sniffed. They also fill every room they're in. And leave hair and smells EVERYWHERE. 

[Really Annoying. Even to Bean.]

If your resident annoying dog-shaped furniture (Bean) finds visiting dogs annoying, then, you know they have to be annoying.  I'm just glad I can hide in my room (the one my people believe to be theirs) and not have to deal with them much. But not much is still SOME. Honestly, humans, leave the monsters at the door. Or, better yet, far from it. 

The Things that Should Be Mine

 

[Me with MY toy mouse.]

Ruru the Cat here. Okay. Let's remember whose house this is. My people seem to think it's their house, which means they can choose to share it with whomever they want. As I said before, they've let all sorts of random animals in here. Cats and dogs. Worse yet, kittens and puppies. Bunnies. Fish. Guinea pigs. Rats. Lizards. Snakes. A baby goat. Not kidding. My humans take lots of liberties with my house. But we must remember whose house it is. If an awesome gift comes into my house, like the toy mouse above, it should be mine. 

[An upstart Wren with one of my toys.]

That means toys that come in my house should be all mine. Not Wren's, not Varya's, not Dude's, not any of the other seven cats' toy. It's mine. Here, my people show a total disregard for that. They let this upstart play with MY toy mouse. This happens a lot. 

[I don't want this one.]

Okay, so there are exceptions. This one with glowing eyes and sharp teeth is NOT my toy. I don't want it. Varya can have this one. It's too creepy. I just don't see anything good can come from sharp-toothed toys. I think I'd have nightmares. 

[Varya eating my snacks.] 

The snacks should be mine, too. I don't often want popcorn like this. But I do want the bread and all cat treats and the fishie crackers. I was here (almost) first. Maya doesn't count. She's too grumpy and isn't me. And we can ignore the fact that Chonk, my brother, got brought in three days before I was. I am and always have been more important. But it should be my choice whether I want the snacks. Varya shouldn't--but often does--get first pick of the snacks. I'M supposed to be the one who gets to jump on the table and fish in the fishie cracker box, not Varya. 

[See that toy I had above? Note how a few minutes later, it was stolen by Dude.]

But here we are in a sad world wherein I don't get all the toys and the snacks because I have to hide in a bedroom to avoid getting beat up on. What a sad, sorry world you unfortunate souls live in where you don't get to see me in all of my glory. You are stuck with only photos of me. Oh, and you only have lesser cats, less than me because aren't they all? Giving them the toys that should go to me. This world is just not fair, for you or for me. But especially for me. 

Where'd He Go?

 

[My friend, Dodger.]

Ruru the Cat here. It's no secret I don't love dogs. Or cats. Or anyone with fewer than two hands eager to pet me. But Dodger was different. He was actually NICE. He mostly made for great body heat and a fine piece of furniture. He's been around as long as I can remember, just being there. He'd stand by and let me eat his food. He'd let me sit on him if I was cold. He was just nice. To me. Which is kind of weird because most of the four-legged beasts around here chase me around, attack my tail just for kicks, or push me away to steal my dog food. But Dodger didn't. 

[Dodger put up with a lot.]

He was strong and happy for a long time. He gave the people around me puppies, three living ones and one that wasn't. He even tolerated their insanity when they were jumping all over him and chewing on them. He'd growl at them to say back off, but then, he'd pretend not to notice when they played with his tail. They all kind of look like him if you squint the right way. 

[Dodger put up with Bean.]

He even tolerated Bean. And that's kind of a big deal because that eternal puppy is a little monster. All of the cats, even the ones a lot bigger than him, kind of let him have his way. We even sneak around him when it comes to getting love from our favorite person. Dodger and Bean would often fight over the food or...I don't know. Dog things. Not sure what all that growling was about. But Dodger was even nice to the mini monster named Bean. 

[Dodger endured a lineup of kittens.]

And kittens. He put up with those little beasts as well. I sure wouldn't, but he did. He really brought it on himself, I guess, by not putting them in their place. They could climb all over him, and he just took it. Everyone seemed to love him because he loved everyone, including people I can't stand, the notorious strangers. Even when those strangers are toddlers. 

[He had to be hauled around.]

Three or four years ago, my people started saying Dodger was dying. But they got that crazy idea from the demon called the vet, so I didn't trust it. He was fine. He was just there. Then, one day, something was wrong. He didn't seem to want to eat. I would have gotten more food except the other cats got to it first. Two and a half weeks, ago, he stopped being able to climb or even walk well. He started to stumble. Then, he stopped being able to do anything but be hauled around. 

[He stopped responding.]

Then, he was only breathing and staring out into space. Then, he was gone. I checked. I sat on him. He was hard and had no body heat, even under the blanket. Then, my people talked about putting him in the ground. I can't imagine that would be very pleasant at all. I don't like to go outside. I certainly wouldn't like to be under the cold, snowy ground. And he hasn't come back. The dogs always go out, but they always come back. The kittens would go out and not come back, but I always heard they'd found a new place to be. I've heard the word "death," mostly about animals I didn't care about. Or my people's little human kitten, their baby, but that was long before I joined them. The humans sure seem to produce a lot of tears about this kind of thing, including for Dodger. But this is the first time it has become real to me. I guess he's really not coming back. I'm not sure how to feel about that. So I guess I'll go and take a nap. 

The Higher the Better

[Looking down on my tree.]

Ruru the Cat here. I love my cat tree. It's comfy and, above all, puts me above everyone else, so I can be worshipped properly. But I've found something better. 

[Looking down at the little people in my kingdom.]

It's the shelf ABOVE my tree. I can sit between what people call hats and wait for the worship to pour in. I get to tower over all the taller cats, the dogs, and even the humans! It's the best thing ever. 

[Happy cat.]

You've never seen a cat so happy as one high up on a shelf. We get to keep our distance from anyone who could hurt us and observe the little people down below. Ah, that I could live on that shelf. Except there's no food. Or mice. Or hands to pet us. Okay, fine. I'll come down. But only if you worship me first. 

Picking Friends

 

[Humans and dogs. Why?]

Ruru the Cat here. I've said it before. Humans have weird tastes in friends. They like dogs and other cats. Why? It mystifies me. I tolerate the dogs because they are throw rugs who happen to own body heat. But to consider them friends?  Not me. 

[My brother, the lump.]

The only cat I tolerate, and that only sometimes, is my brother. He's okay. Kind of a lump, but he doesn't attack me or chase me around like they do. 

[Other cats. Ew.]

Other cats, however, are the very devil. Especially kittens. They don't respect your dignity at all. They ATTACK you and steal your spot and your dog food you stole fair and square. So glad we no longer have any of those nasty pests around here. 

[Humans. Yes.]

Humans, however, not only have body heat but also hands. And no claws or sharp teeth. Humans are really great for a snuggle. But not for their taste in friends. Want more evidence? 

[Exibit C. Just no.]

Tails can be friends. I'll chase them for hours. I can even attack it, and it won't attack back. I can snuggle it, and it even has body heat. Tails are great. I can hang out with pipe cleaners and tails. Long, skinny things without sharp teeth. Pipe cleaners make good prey. Snakes CANNOT be friends. To anyone. I don't even want them for prey because they have teeth. Humans, why do you make friends with useless animals and...whatever a snake is? I just don't understand humans and their friendships at all. If you had a tail, you'd understand what a friend they can be. Just go get a tail. Then, you'll have a best friend. What are you still doing here? Get to it. 

Alien Invasion!

[Saucy little monsters invading my house.]

Ruru the Cat here. My humans are deeply disturbed. That much is clear by the enemies they allow in their very house. In the past, they've allowed kitten after kitten in my house without asking my permission. KITTENS. Like the kind that don't know any better than to attack me. Eat my food. Ignore my orders. You know, TERRIBLE THINGS. I thought few things were worse than kittens. 

[Saucy bigger monsters.]

But then, my humans would allow DOGS into my house. I'm not talking about our furniture dogs, the little throw rugs that sometimes eat my dog food. The nerve. Mostly, they provide body heat and comic relief to an otherwise peaceful existence. No, I mean real DOGS, like the scary yetis, smelly mutts, a big dog who has been visiting recently and who even pooped in my basement. Once again, I thought my humans couldn't stoop any lower. 

[WHAT IS THIS THING?]

But no, they found something else to bring in the house. I don't even have words for this thing. It has little horns that tell me it's dangerous. It has these weird eyes with RECTANGLES in them. Rectangles, I tell you. Who has those? It also has these legs that don't quit. Instead of ending in respectable toe beans like everyone around here has, they end in these sharp things that look deadly. They're pointy and mean-looking. Hooves, I think they're called. And the thing is ALL LEGS. There's a little body there, somewhere, but I imagine the thing can really stomp and kick us. It looks like a scary weapon more than a living thing. And they kept giving it milk that smelled good and, therefore, should have gone to me. 

[No, I mean it. What is that thing?]

I just don't understand what my people are thinking. It's utter nonsense that they can let these monsters in my house without a royal decree of some sort, signed by me. My people just don't understand the rules of the world because I make them, and they clearly lack understanding of how to sue for my permission. Honestly. What is their problem? 

Zoomy New Floor

 

[My house, all torn apart.]

Ruru the Cat here. We've had a hectic few weeks. Well, not me. I hid out in my room, the quiet one out of which my people toss me out night, like the jerks they are. But every time I came out, I'd hear the traumas and dramas that went with my people tearing apart my house. WithOUT my permission, I might add. Where's the respect, I ask you? I'll make everyone else tell you because I wasn't there for most of it. It was still upsetting, nonetheless. 

[Empty shelves.]

Phoenix: they took books off the shelf, which was amazing! i got to climb up on top! it was great! but one of the shelves fell with me on top! It was scary. then, they took out the shelves! i was so confused!

[My playroom!]

Dude: Didn't you notice? They cleared out the WHOLE ROOM, even the FLOOR. It stank of generations of pets I will never want to meet. But then, there was this great wooden floor I got to run around on, so it wasn't a total loss. I danced for a while. That part was pretty sweet. Almost made up for my cat tree disappearing for days. 

Phoenix: ah! scary bully cat! get away! hiss! growl!

[Dude in a garbage bag--oh, so fitting.]

Dude: Whatever, kid. Just trying to help. And garbage bags? those were amazing, too. 

Varya: Well, you are a bully cat, Dude. Fight someone your own size! Like me! 

Dude: You're, what, five pounds? You're a quarter my size. 

Varya: Who cares? I can take you.

Dude: Ha! You haven't yet. 

[Comfy floor cover.]

Varya: That won't stop me from trying. So, after they cleared out the whole room, they put this blue stuff down. It was soft. I really approve. Except, then, they put hard stuff on top. It wasn't nearly as comfortable. Kind of sucks, actually. 

Dude: No, it doesn't. It's great. I can slide across it. The zoomiest floor ever!

[The new floor!]

Bean: Yeah! It's great, 'cuz my mommy's on it! I love this new floor! I love anywhere with my mommy! 

[My new, royal carpet.]

Dude: Needy, much? Dogs. Seriously. Best part of this whole thing is they gave me my own carpet on which I can reign like the king of the house I am. Yeah, I definitely like the new look. Makes me feel triumphant. 

[Reminder of who it's all about.]

Ruru: Yeah, get over yourself, Dude. It's still my house. Uppity kids these days. So, yeah, everybody had to deal with the tearing apart of my house. I'm sure it was so hard for everyone. Glad I didn't have to deal with it. Sucks to be all of you. I get all the perks and none of the plight. Works for me. 

Nasty Places

[Such a nightmarish place, this place called outside. Source]

Ruru the Cat here. There are many places I'm glad I'm not. Outside, for instance. I don't believe in outside. I know it EXISTS, but it shouldn't. It's big, scary, cold, and today, it's wet. I am in firm denial that anything is beyond my walls, and I'm happy that way. I hear there are some insane cats that actually LIKE it out there. *Shudder*  Oh, no. That's not me. 

[Those nasty, smelly boxes.]

For one thing, outside has those nasty, smelly boxes called cars. I've only ridden in them a few times, which is a few too many. The big boxes often involve little, plastic boxes they lock up like a cage. There's nothing good about a car. You can't convince me otherwise. I feel nauseous and want to vomit every time. I feel movement but can't see it. Because I'd have to look outside. No thank you. It's further evidence that humans are insane. 

[The portal to hell.]

But of all places in the horrible, nightmarish outside, the worst of all places is called the vet. I don't know what it means. I just know that all bad things start and end with those three letters. Pain, fear, and horror happen there. Smells of all sorts of big, scary monsters waft over me, making it a cursed place. I hear the haunted voices of lost souls there. It's just not a place that should exist. Well, the stupid dogs have all gone there recently. I don't know why they'd want to, but they all looked eager when they left. That's all the evidence I need that dogs are crazy, too. Here's the particular dumb and annoying Bean to tell you all about it. 

[I love it outside!]

Bean: We went outside!  I love outside! It's amazing! So many smells!

Ru: See? Absolutely nuts. 

Bean: There are people there I don't know! New friends! All good things happen outside!

Ru: Strangers. Just no. 

[Yay for cars!]

Bean: We got into a car, and my person held me the whole time! It was great! I looked out the window and saw so many exciting things! 

Ru: Exciting is code for awful. 

Bean: We drove and drove to a building that smelled like DOGS! New ones, ones I didn't know! I wanted to meet them all! 

Ru: You really are a sick monster, aren't you, little boy? And you're still smaller than me, so I can tease you. 

[The weird building!]

Bean: We went to this exciting building I only sort of remembered. They took me into a room with a new friend! Except he took me away from my mommy and poked things into me!  I didn't like it at all! I thought I'd never see her again!

Ru: Yet still the exclamation points. Such a drama queen. 

Bean: Then, they brought me back and gave me to my mommy!  It was so great! I hadn't seen her in ever so long! But we were together again, and it was awesome! Then, we went home together! It was amazing! I'm so happy when Mommy takes me places!

Ru: What is your problem, weirdo? They put you through hell, and still, you're annoyingly chipper? What is the point of these torture chambers all tied up with outside? I just don't understand dogs at all. Or people.