Weird Stuff Inside

[catnip] 

 Ruru the Cat here. Last time, I talked about weird stuff going on outside my house. All of that is still going on. But more weirdness is happening. Most of it has been good. And I've missed out on all the good stuff because the cats who have taken over my house in recent years are scary. I don't understand why. I mostly raised them. You'd think they'd like me better. Okay, so maybe I would beat them up because I hate kittens. But that's no reason for them to grow into cats who are mostly bigger than me and like to chase me around. Seriously. I gave them actual minutes of my precious time, teaching them the world can be hard. That's a useful lesson, isn't it? They should be GRATEFUL. Anyway, so when something cool like catnip comes into my living room, I miss out because I'm hiding from everyone. 

[Live rat]

Man, I love catnip. Why didn't they bring ME catnip? Just because it dries fast, and I hang out on their bed shouldn't mean I miss out. A different day, my people brought home a live rat. A real one. And nobody told me until it had gone into a snake. Why? How could they do this to me? It should have been my rat. I like living things. I kill them slowly enough that everyone around me is filled with envy for my awesomeness. They make me find and kill them by myself instead of serving them up for me like this. I feel so left out. 

[Banana ball on the cat tree]

But it gets worse. My people bring home snakes and don't even give me a shot at batting around this epic living string. It's living AND long and string-like. Look at this. This is a natural fit for my favorite kind of toy. It wouldn't take long. Just an hour or so. Think of what fun I'd have over that hour. But my people won't even let me in the same room with them. 

[Dumpy Tree Frog]

Worst of all, my people brought home frogs and didn't even tell me about it until they put them in the room that used to be mine, before other cats took it over. I understand they put them behind glass and don't even let cats play with them. Think of all the entertainment that could come from pouncing on these morsels. But nobody is giving me a chance to show what a great predator I can be. What's the world coming to? Give me a shot, guys. If you're going to bring home such fine toys, at least give me a shot at them. The nerve. Seriously. 

Going to a Better Place

 

[It may be it's on the cat tree, have sharp teeth, and eat rodents but is this python really a cat? Yeah, no.]

Ruru the Cat here. My people have been unnecessarily obsessing about this stupid living rope. Yeah, they call it a snake and act like it matters, but does it really? It doesn't have fur, four legs, or anything that makes it matter. You know, like cats matter. Well, like I matter because, after all, the other cats and dogs don't matter as much as I do. Humans try to matter, and they do a good job as long as they're taking care of my needs. But no one around me seems to quite understand priorities. 

[Dude and Roswell waiting for their nonexistent turn with the rat.]

Anyway, so my people have been worried about the snake not eating rodents. Why don't they worry that I don't get enough rodents in my diet? Why aren't they buying rodents and serving them up to me like I'm a royal? Okay, so if I don't get enough rodents, I can eat the boring kibble. I imagine he can, too. Why is it such a freak-out that Minion the Banana Ball hasn't eaten a rat for four months? I don't ever get fillet of rat. Wow, that sounds yummy. Can I have one? No? Dangit. See, my people were so worried that they bought him a live rat. But they didn't offer it to ME. See how bad their priorities are? We cats just had to salivate over a rat under glass while the snake was served then ignored this live one. Seriously?

[Off to a better place.]

Apparently, at his old home, Minion would eat well and be well taken care of. So, anyway, my people went on a trip a couple of days ago to take him back to his old home because my people couldn't get him to eat a rat, not a frozen tiny one, not a medium one, not a big one, not a living one, not any rat at all. What is his problem? I would have taken any of them. I could have spent a full hour or two or even three killing the rat, killing it again, playing with it, and killing it some more. Just think of the joy. What is wrong with this world that I didn't get my turn?

The Point of a Hand

 

[The Purpose of hands.]

Ruru the Cat here. Human hands are great. They can pet me, feed me, give me water, bring me toys like catnip and mice with feathers, and play Slaps with my tail. Human hands are the best things ever. Wayyy better than other cats.

[Me Offering to Play]

Slaps, you ask? Yes, I love to play slaps. I haven't seen other cats do it. I don't know what's wrong with them. It's great. The human pats my tail, and my tail taps back. Then the human taps again. It could go on for quite a while. It's for when I'm not in the mood to let humans touch me in some other way. 

[How you should see your cat's belly. Source]

Because you HAVE to listen to a cat's body language. Seriously. Don't touch us when we're not inviting it, or you could get bear trapped. You'll be reminded of many cats' favorite love language: kill. Unless you're really not attached to that hand. Then, be my guest. 

[Clearly Misplaced Priorities]

However, humans seem to think hands have purposes other than taking care of cats. This is a totally wild delusion that makes no sense to me. How can there possibly be some other reason for those things to exist? You seem to think you should spend time with your hands playing with computers, pressing buttons, moving stuff around, hugging each other, or even scratching your nose. 

[Do the Right Thing. You Know You Want To.]

This clearly shows messed up priorities on your part. Come on. The purpose of everything is felinity. Particularly this cat. But I know most of you don't have access to me to show me the worship I deserve. So as a cold second choice, you should be petting your own cat. Stop wasting time on your computer, and go fulfill your purpose in this world NOW. 

Picking Friends

 

[Humans and dogs. Why?]

Ruru the Cat here. I've said it before. Humans have weird tastes in friends. They like dogs and other cats. Why? It mystifies me. I tolerate the dogs because they are throw rugs who happen to own body heat. But to consider them friends?  Not me. 

[My brother, the lump.]

The only cat I tolerate, and that only sometimes, is my brother. He's okay. Kind of a lump, but he doesn't attack me or chase me around like they do. 

[Other cats. Ew.]

Other cats, however, are the very devil. Especially kittens. They don't respect your dignity at all. They ATTACK you and steal your spot and your dog food you stole fair and square. So glad we no longer have any of those nasty pests around here. 

[Humans. Yes.]

Humans, however, not only have body heat but also hands. And no claws or sharp teeth. Humans are really great for a snuggle. But not for their taste in friends. Want more evidence? 

[Exibit C. Just no.]

Tails can be friends. I'll chase them for hours. I can even attack it, and it won't attack back. I can snuggle it, and it even has body heat. Tails are great. I can hang out with pipe cleaners and tails. Long, skinny things without sharp teeth. Pipe cleaners make good prey. Snakes CANNOT be friends. To anyone. I don't even want them for prey because they have teeth. Humans, why do you make friends with useless animals and...whatever a snake is? I just don't understand humans and their friendships at all. If you had a tail, you'd understand what a friend they can be. Just go get a tail. Then, you'll have a best friend. What are you still doing here? Get to it. 

A Crazy Mystery!

[Not sure what it is.]

 Beanie the doggie here! Ru left her blog open and went to hide somewhere else! So I'm here, and want to know what this thing is!  It's this clump of something, kind of like a poop!  It smells funny!  It's cold!  I have no clue what it is!  I've never seen it before, well, not up close!

[On my mommy's head!]

It even sits on people's heads!  My mommy's head!  I tried to sit on her shoulder like I do, but they wouldn't let me!  It doesn't seem to do much!  It doesn't smell like anything scary, but it doesn't smell like anything I understand!  Why is it on Mommy's head? 

[I like it better on the boy's head.  Then, I can sit on Mommy's shoulder.]

I don't know what it likes about heads!  I just don't get what it is!  I think it's an animal!   Oh, look!  It's Ru!  I'm just trying to figure out what this thing is!  

[The ball of death string.]

Seriously, dumb dog, what are you doing getting that close to a dangerous predator?  And can you quit it with the exclamation points, already?  The thing's a killer, a coiled bringer of death that can wrap its muscular tail around you and choke the life out of you.  She won't with you because you're a twig with hair. Less meat than the frozen rats she actually eats.  You need to fear her, nonetheless.  Better yet, fear me.  I'm more dangerous than she is, so you should give me your food.  All of it. 'Cuz I'm scary like that.  

Surveying the Troops

[The monster crept into my house, overshadowing everything.]

Ru: 

Ruru the Cat here.   Like I said in my last blog—last night –I explained what a horrid nightmare was this kitten, Wren.  He steals my dog food.  Yeah, I know, who doesn't?  He steals my spot at the top of the cat tree.  My tree.  I'm the star on this tree.  It feels like we have 20 of him because he's EVERYWHERE killing everything, toes, tails, toys, rubber bands, cords, my sofa, my people, my space, my life.  For such a tiny little thing, the space he takes up is HUGE.  Okay, guys, how much do you loathe the new kitten?  A bunch or a lot?  I want an honest and scientific survey here.  

[Kitten? What kitten?]

Python:  

Kitten?  What'sss a kitten?  I haven't ssseen one. I may have sssmelled it, but I can't be sssure.  I wonder how they tasste. 

Beardie: 

If a kitten's a kind of cricket, sign me up.  If it's a cat like you, nope.  One dumped my cage and nearly killed me.  

[Just nope.]

Gecko: 

I do not care for cats of any size or breed.  One tipped my cage, so I was compelled to hunt my own sustenance while lurking around my house for six months.  And they assassinated my companion.  Cats are not my allies, so depart. 

Ru: 

Well, that's three votes for no kittens. 

Gecko: 

Or cats. 

Ru: 

Who asked you? 

Gecko: 

You did. 

Ru: 

Okay, everyone whose vote matters 'cuz you have fur and four legs, how much does it stink to have a kitten in the house?  

[My new friend!]

Bean: 

Wow oh wow!  He's amazing!  I love kittens!  They're so amazing and so fun!  And he was scared of me at first, but now, he loves me!  I want 20 kittens just like him!  

Ru: 

Seriously?  20?  One already feels like 20.  You're making me look bad.  And what did I tell you about exclamation points? Other dogs, tell me it bugs you they steal your food.  

[Kitten standing in a line to steal dog food, while the dogs don't even notice.]

Dodger: 

Wait.  Someone's stealing my food?  

Ru: 

Yes.  We all do.  All the time.  We all know you're well-behaved furniture whose sole function is to make the food available for us. 

[I love you.]

Dodger: 

Ru said I'm well behaved.  I'm a good boy! 

Snow: 

Wren's sweet, like a little puppy.  I want to cuddle him.  

Ru: 

Well, so much for the lint-on-a-leash vote.  Way to let the reptiles show you up.  Someone here hates the kitten.  I know it.   

[Poor page..scared of everyone, including the little kitten.]

Chunk: 

Wren's okay.  He kinda scares Paige, but he doesn't bother me. 

Paige: 

kitten!  ahhh!  he's gonna kill me!

Ru: 

Everything scares Paige.  Come on, Dude, don't fail me.  

[Meet my new best friend.]

Dude: 

Bean's right.  Wren's so much fun.  I know we're going to be best friends once he gets big enough we can brawl.  Now, I like to chase him.  See, Ru, not everybody's you.  

Maya: 

I can't stand him.  Wherever I want to sit, there he is.  I'm too old for this.  

Ru: 

You have a point.  For once.  But you're too old for everything, and nobody likes you, anyway.  Guys, what's the deal?  He's obnoxious.  He's loud.  He doesn't hold still. You get it, right?  

[Hey, look, he's holding still.  Don't get used to it.]

Wren: 

Will you be my friend? 

Ru: 

That's it.  I'm leaving.  

Wren: 

Dibs on your spot!  And the dog food!

Ru: 

ARGH!

So Glad this Wasn't Me

[Gah!  The yetis are back!]

Ruru the Cat here.  I was gonna whine all about how the yetis were back all week.  In fact, there are two still there, but I know the others are coming back, all kazillion of them.  They did before.  Why wouldn't they come again, barking and barking and barking and barking?  They're terrifying.  At least they're outside while I'm in here. 

[The faces of the victims of a horrible place called "The Vet."]

Anyway, so I WAS gonna write all about that, but Sylvie, both dogs, and the snake insisted they waited long enough.  They had to speak out against horrible and offensive place they were all taken recently, first the dogs, then the snake, and then that horrible beast of a cat, Sylvie.  In the case of the dogs, it sounds like they were poked and prodded, and Snow the dog had teeth yanked out of her head.  *Shudder.*  Almost worse, Sylvie was knocked out in such a place, and when she woke up, her belly had been shaven, and her guts taken out.  She was all sewn up again.  The snake was just hauled in, poked and prodded, and then came back whiny.  What kind of a terrible place does this kind of thing? 

[My face whenever I think they'll ever take me there.] 

Well, on the bright side, at least it wasn't me.  I think I went to a place like that when I was really little, but I haven't been back since.  I'd deal with a dozen yetis before I got ripped open and had organs removed or been stabbed or whatever.  Seriously.  Whose bright idea is a torture chamber for pets?  Humans are twisted.