Weird Stuff Inside

[catnip] 

 Ruru the Cat here. Last time, I talked about weird stuff going on outside my house. All of that is still going on. But more weirdness is happening. Most of it has been good. And I've missed out on all the good stuff because the cats who have taken over my house in recent years are scary. I don't understand why. I mostly raised them. You'd think they'd like me better. Okay, so maybe I would beat them up because I hate kittens. But that's no reason for them to grow into cats who are mostly bigger than me and like to chase me around. Seriously. I gave them actual minutes of my precious time, teaching them the world can be hard. That's a useful lesson, isn't it? They should be GRATEFUL. Anyway, so when something cool like catnip comes into my living room, I miss out because I'm hiding from everyone. 

[Live rat]

Man, I love catnip. Why didn't they bring ME catnip? Just because it dries fast, and I hang out on their bed shouldn't mean I miss out. A different day, my people brought home a live rat. A real one. And nobody told me until it had gone into a snake. Why? How could they do this to me? It should have been my rat. I like living things. I kill them slowly enough that everyone around me is filled with envy for my awesomeness. They make me find and kill them by myself instead of serving them up for me like this. I feel so left out. 

[Banana ball on the cat tree]

But it gets worse. My people bring home snakes and don't even give me a shot at batting around this epic living string. It's living AND long and string-like. Look at this. This is a natural fit for my favorite kind of toy. It wouldn't take long. Just an hour or so. Think of what fun I'd have over that hour. But my people won't even let me in the same room with them. 

[Dumpy Tree Frog]

Worst of all, my people brought home frogs and didn't even tell me about it until they put them in the room that used to be mine, before other cats took it over. I understand they put them behind glass and don't even let cats play with them. Think of all the entertainment that could come from pouncing on these morsels. But nobody is giving me a chance to show what a great predator I can be. What's the world coming to? Give me a shot, guys. If you're going to bring home such fine toys, at least give me a shot at them. The nerve. Seriously. 

Weird Stuff Outside

[Weird stuff outside my house: source]

 Ruru the Cat here. I just haven't felt like blogging. But weird things have been going on outside my house recently. First, my people started shoving dirt around. Why? Got me. Maybe they wanted their own litter box? I highly recommend it. It beats that big, white water dish in the bathroom humans like to sit on. Anyway, then, they put out grass. All over outside. That stuff looks interesting. I'd like to play with that. If only they'd bring it inside. But going outside? Not worth it. 

[What the what the?]

Then, weirder things still showed up outside my house. I think they're some kind of bird. I can see them through the window. My people call them chickens, but this doesn't look a thing like the white meat my people feed me in cat food cans and on the plates I steal from. Are they related? I don't know. I think this weird thing may be some two-legged skunk. My people have really weird tastes in pets. 

[Maybe a little less weird. Source]

There are others out there that look almost as weird, maybe a little like a vulture or turkey or something. It's like someone plucked them. Which makes them look a little yummy, actually. Like a cooked chicken. I don't know where my people are finding these crazy things. And why they need any pets besides me.. 

[Normal chickens: source]

The other ones look more or less like chickens I've seen in books but still nothing like the tasty meat I like to eat. I hear my people got them because these birds eat the bugs that kill the plants around here. Seriously? We cats LIKE bugs. They're so much fun to hunt. Why do we need feather-brained birds when we're here? I will honestly never understand humans. 

Going to a Better Place

 

[It may be it's on the cat tree, have sharp teeth, and eat rodents but is this python really a cat? Yeah, no.]

Ruru the Cat here. My people have been unnecessarily obsessing about this stupid living rope. Yeah, they call it a snake and act like it matters, but does it really? It doesn't have fur, four legs, or anything that makes it matter. You know, like cats matter. Well, like I matter because, after all, the other cats and dogs don't matter as much as I do. Humans try to matter, and they do a good job as long as they're taking care of my needs. But no one around me seems to quite understand priorities. 

[Dude and Roswell waiting for their nonexistent turn with the rat.]

Anyway, so my people have been worried about the snake not eating rodents. Why don't they worry that I don't get enough rodents in my diet? Why aren't they buying rodents and serving them up to me like I'm a royal? Okay, so if I don't get enough rodents, I can eat the boring kibble. I imagine he can, too. Why is it such a freak-out that Minion the Banana Ball hasn't eaten a rat for four months? I don't ever get fillet of rat. Wow, that sounds yummy. Can I have one? No? Dangit. See, my people were so worried that they bought him a live rat. But they didn't offer it to ME. See how bad their priorities are? We cats just had to salivate over a rat under glass while the snake was served then ignored this live one. Seriously?

[Off to a better place.]

Apparently, at his old home, Minion would eat well and be well taken care of. So, anyway, my people went on a trip a couple of days ago to take him back to his old home because my people couldn't get him to eat a rat, not a frozen tiny one, not a medium one, not a big one, not a living one, not any rat at all. What is his problem? I would have taken any of them. I could have spent a full hour or two or even three killing the rat, killing it again, playing with it, and killing it some more. Just think of the joy. What is wrong with this world that I didn't get my turn?

At least It Wasn't Me

[Minion the Python at the Vet]

Ruru the Cat here. Man, there's been a lot of obsession around here with that stupid new snake, Minion the Banana Ball Python. I guess it may be because the old python froze when the power to its heater cut out. Now, everybody around here has been freaking out that the new snake hasn't eaten for over three months and could starve. Three months. I can't go without eating for a whole day. I don't understand snakes at all. If you offered me a big, plump rodent, that thing would be gone in minutes. I certainly wouldn't starve myself for three months. That's insane. Food is my best friend. And rodents are my favorite kind of food. 

[Scary strangers grabbing the snake.]

Part of the humans' freak out has landed the poor living yarn in the vet's office. As if a three-month hunger strike isn't punishment enough. Now, they had to take Minion o the torture chamber known as the vet's. I hear everyone there got so excited to see a snake that they all had to gawk at it. All sorts of strangers probably touched the poor guy. *Shudder.* 

[Not sure what this thing is, but it looks scary.]

I can only imagine whatever torture devices they used on the poor thing. Granted, I don't care about snakes. I'm just having vague flashbacks to last time my humans dragged me there. Something to do with poking and prodding and all sorts of awful things. Better him than me. Not kidding. 

Everybody Having Christmas Fun but Me

 

[It used to be MY jungle gym]

Ruru the Cat here. The Christmas tree used to be my jungle gym. I'd be able to climb in and through it. Yes, I may have had some competition, but I'd get to spend a lot of time attacking and knocking over all the ornaments and knocking them to the ground. I also got to attack and kill the wrapping paper and all the presents. They were mine. Then, one younger cat after another started to crowd me out of all my favorite spaces. 

This was what it was like to greet the Christmas tree into the living room. Even the new little boy, Roswell, got to play with it. I guess that's because he's Dude's protege. And Dude, the big, scary panther in my house, has long since claimed the tree as his own. Only those Dude lets anywhere near his tree can kill it. 

[Roswell's first Christmas tree.]

Dude even let Roswell play with the ornaments once the tree was up. It just isn't fair. This used to be all my house. That used to be my jungle gym before the rest of the cats moved in and took it over. 

[Wren loves the ornaments.]

Dude even let other cats play with the ornaments. Before they went on the tree, that is. But he's often standing guard. I don't even try anymore. Mostly, I'm hiding either in my drawer in the bathroom or in my people's bedroom. 

[Roswell also got to help with wrapping paper.]

I didn't even get to help with the wrap. Everyone else got to shred the paper and play with the presents. It feels so good to shred it between my murder mittens. It's better still if there are presents inside. Can you think of anything more exciting than leaving a pile of gifts surrounded in shredded paper? I can't! Other than shredded paper filled with shattered bits of ornaments from my very own tree. Ahh. Paradise! It was so nice when I had a moment like that. 

But I haven't had a moment like that in years. Years! Such a tragedy. This is my holiday fun. No one else should have it but me. Can't we just send the cats away over the holidays? And leave them there afterward, wherever there is? 

Worse than Toddlergeddon...Toddlerpocalypse!

 

[Bringers of chaos worse than the kittens they hold.]

Ruru the cat here. I thought they were gone and would never come again. But here they were again...the toddler monsters. Except there were more of them. And they'd gotten bigger! They could chase cats faster! It was terrifying. Even hiding in my people's bedroom didn't feel safe. They were everywhere, all four or was it forty? Before, there were three, and they were half this size. The children...far worse than kittens because they could open doors with those fingers of theirs.

[The storm comes home]

It used to be a couple of full-sized humans would bring their little monsters here every few months or so. But then, we went two blessed years without them coming by. So, I thought the chaos was over for good. But I was wrong, oh, so wrong! Suddenly, without warning, they were back! And they brought a dog! 

[Bean and Angel--more chaos in every corner.]

I vaguely remembered their dog as the sister of our Bean, except she was twice his size. Huge, and everywhere. As if the kids weren't enough chaos. Suddenly, two quietish dogs became three yappy beasts bouncing everywhere. And the tongues! Everywhere! Threatening to lick whomever and eat all my dog food. 

[Plague of locusts taking over my house.]

They took over our house, the whole house, even Phoenix's special room (also known as the guest room/office). No corner went untouched with sticky fingers and chaos. Popcorn, spaghetti, brownies, insipid, ridiculous TV noises, paper shreds, crayons...everywhere they went, they streamed a loud, gooey mess. The rest of the cats fled to the basement. I hid where I usually do: in my people's room. We all knew we could fall prey to the locusts at any time. It was an absolute hurricane for a full 24 hours. 

[The storm blew over next door.]

Finally, they went next door to torture those poor kittens in that first picture, little ones who couldn't even flee or defend themselves. Then, I hear they chased around some poor goats and even a yeti (one of those big, white, smelly dogs I'm glad doesn't come over here). Fortunately, they brought their chaos there instead. Please tell me we can put up "No Toddlergeddon" signs. There has to be a way to toddler-proof this house, so they can't get in again. 

The Dreaded V-Word

[Do I look like I want to suffer like this?]

Ruru the Cat here. This has been a really rough few months. First, my family brought kittens into the house. Lots of kittens. So many kittens. At least ten, though it felt like a hundred. Then, they kept one. Seriously. There were already eight cats here. We did not need another. The youngest was four, but you could have fooled me. They all look and act like kittens. But it got worse. I know. Hard to believe. Those kittens brought eye infection into the house. Yeah, it sucked for everyone else when they all got that eye goo. But worst of all, they gave it to me. ME. I do not deserve this. I don't even like kittens. And that new one keeps trying to invade my room.  It's mine. Go away, Roswell.  

This grievous injury was apparently not enough torture. My people started putting burning eye drops into my eyes. I don't approve. I didn't want it, still don't want it. But when the drops didn't work, they stuck me in a box, that cage-like box. Such a nightmare. 

[The very devil.]

Was that enough torture? Of course not. They hauled that box into the scary world of OUTSIDE. Without my permission. And stuck me in a CAR. A CAR. Just no. The thing is loud and stinks. This is torture. There must be laws against this kind of horror. 

[Strapped down.]

They strapped my box into that stupid car, so there was no way I could escape. As if I've figured out a way outside the box. *Shudder.* I don't understand how this could possibly be a good idea. How do humans tolerate this kind of treatment? They even seem to like that, almost as much as the singularly dense dogs we have. 

[That horrible V word.]

The car was so loud and the box uncomfortable. But that was nothing on my getting hauled into the big building they call the vet. Yes, that's the V-word. VET. Not a good word. The thing is full of sounds of tortured souls and the smells of big, scary dogs and cats. I was sure I was gonna DIE. What did I do to deserve oo of this? 

[The chamber of horrors.] 

Then, strangers stared at me and talked about me as if I wasn't in the room. Even my person did this. It was just awful. I vaguely remember going a place like that before and getting poked and prodded and fed nasty stuff. I hope that was a false memory of nightmares past. I've heard some animals like me go into that place and never return. How can you humans live with yourselves, knowing there are nightmares like this in the world? 

[Back into the box]

Finally, we headed home. It was actually a relief to be stuck in the box and then into that loud, obnoxious car. At least it meant my ordeal was almost over. Now, I put up with that nasty, burning goo in my eye as long as I don't have to go back through all of that again. 

Planting a New Cat Tree

  

(My Old Cat Tree)

  Ruru the Cat here. Yeah, this happened a while ago, but I'm still grumpy about it. I've been grumpy about a lot of stuff, so I haven't felt like blogging. They took my favorite cat tree, where I felt at home and safe, and stuck it in the basement. Yeah, it's still there. Other cats can sit on it, but I always get surrounded by bullies down there. I am NOT going down there. Too many other-cat smells.

[The new cat tree. Not mine.]

Meanwhile, they put another cat tree upstairs. It already had other cat smells, which made it offensive. Like other-OTHER cat smells, ones of scary cats I never met. Plus, everyone else claimed a spot on it before I could. Especially those two remaining obnoxious kittens. They finally got rid of the seven. Took 'em long enough. But one of them only comes and goes. I keep hearing he's supposed to move away forever, but who knows? Forever hasn't come yet. So, he keeps coming back and tearing up my living room with the kitten who, from what I hear, has moved in. ANOTHER kitten. Seriously. Are eight not enough for you? We have to have nine or ten? And they've pretty much claimed the new cat tree. 

[Kittens: the root of most of my woes.]

I watched Dude try to climb on it and not find any space for his big fat butt. It was hilarious. The whole cat tree wobbles with his weight. Which is another reason I don't like the new cat tree. But no one asks my opinion for anything around here. If they had, they would never have invited more kittens in. The dumb kittens who gave everyone eye infection, which just spread to me recently. It was fine when everyone else had it, but now I have it. Seriously. New cat trees. Kittens. Eye infection. I'm too old for all of this.  

It's Raining Kittens

 

[Monsters]

Ruru the Cat here. As if one set of three little monsters wasn't enough. My people brought in SEVEN more. SEVEN. I don't know if you're aware of this, but seven monsters is a lot worse than having three. But it gets worse. My people never got rid of two of the first three. I still hope they will. That means we eight sane(ish) cats were outnumbered by nine crazy kittens. 

[More monsters.]

Fortunately, my person has a neighbor caring for three of them, which means after a few days, we got down to six, so we cats are back to outnumbering the kittens. Still. My humans must be insane to bring those beasts in. They got goat milk, soft food, and all the good things I should be getting. It's just not fair. 

[Yet more.] 

The problem is that neighbor is only caring for those kittens. Which could mean we're under threat of a return to overwhelming numbers. I hear rumors that these kittens, like most of the others before them, have a place to go in a couple of weeks. A place that's not here. This is good. I hope that rumor is true. 

[ENOUGH ALREADY.]

It's not just the kittens crawling everywhere. It's that they're occupying the office, which should be Phoenix's. If she's not in her room at night, she's out where I get stuck being her "best friend." She thinks we're playing. She wants to chase me around and claw at me. This is not play. This is terrifying. She's HUGE. Like twice my size. 

[The one I'm worried may not leave.]

Okay. Enough with the kittens. No more kittens. Ever. I don't care which neighbor wants us to take in more of these clawing, ravenous, whiny beasties, even temporarily. I've raised enough of them. And strange to say, even though I'm such a wonderful cat, the ones I've raised all hate me. Six out of the eight really large cats in the house think I'm Satan because I happened to hate them when they were little. Now, they hate me now they're big. Strange how that works. Except Phoenix, but she's never been quite right in the head. The other one is the little old lady cat who hates everyone but Varya because Varya didn't give Maya the chance to stay a hateful, angry old biddy to her. Now, they're besties and joined in their hatred of me. Seriously. No more cats. No more kittens. Just none. 

The Monsters Have Come

[How much I love kittens.]

Ruru the Cat here. Dangit. That annoying cat, Varya, was right. My people brought home more kittens. I was hoping she was kidding, but she had way too much fun teasing me for me to have peace of mind. Then again, teasing me is one of her favorite hobbies. How can three little monsters be everywhere at once, making everything reek of them?

 

[Back when Phoenix the one-eyed wonder was a kitten.]

And with the way they took her room, I'm stuck coming face to face with Phoenix wayyy too often. Phoenix is that one-eyed cat who thinks we're best friends. We are NOT best friends. She's big and scary and tries to play with me. She doesn't even know how to cat. Dude the panther-sized cat has tossed her in the bath water when she hasn't dipped her own tail in, as if she's not aware it's even there. Why do my people need her again? They have me. I mean, I haven't figured out why my people have any other cats, let alone the dogs. All anyone needs is me. 

[The Three Little Monsters eating MY food.]

And now, there are those silly kittens. The kittens get better food than me, more attention than me, and have been allowed to get way too close to me and even breathe my air. It's my air. I got to it first. Please tell me they're leaving again and soon. Do they not know kittens become cats? I don't think I can take any more cats taking up permanent air and food from my house. Get rid of those monsters soon. 

An Appropriate Box for an Evil Cat

 

[Where this cat belongs.]

Ruru the Cat here. I don't much like the cats around here, mostly because I don't like other cats. Worst of all is the most recent kitten, the one who never grew up. She's still smaller than me. or so I tell myself. But she doesn't mind being small. She's got all the confidence of large cat, but even the resident grumpy old lady cat finds her endearing. Not me. She sneaks up behind me and swats me just for fun. I've never seen a more appropriate box than this one for that cat. 

[Varya's horrible rumor.]

Well, this villainous cat, Varya, has been telling me a most nightmarish rumor, which is that we may get more kittens around here soon. I can only hope this is yet more lies she's telling me just to be evil. She told me she heard it from one of our people. I can't believe our people would be that terrible to me. Okay, I can believe it because they've done it before. Multiple times. I just don't WANT to believe it. So I won't. 

Doggie Fieldtrips I Don't Envy

 

[As far from home as I want to get--the living room.]

Ruru the Cat here. I would tell you why I haven't written in a while, but cats don't give up their secrets. So I don't leave the house. Ever. I don't want to. It's scary out there. There are monsters that killed my brother. There are monsters that would be happy to kill me, flying monsters, rolling monsters with engines, fluffy monsters. I hear about them but don't want to meet them, myself. I've only ever left the house against my will. But the dogs will often run out of the house like it's an exciting thing. As I've said before, dogs are nuts. 

[Our house panther/bully.]

Often, the dogs just run out back. Sometimes, they go on walks. On a LEASH. And they LIKE it. It makes absolutely no sense. For a while, my people scammed Dude into thinking he was a dog and got him to go out on a leash. Soon enough, he figured out he was a cat. Now, he's a panther who rules the house. No one would dare take him for a walk now. Though they sometimes grab him and hold him and pet him. It does NOT make him happy. He's four times my size. I have nothing to do with him if I can help it. 

[Leaving the house: it's a TRAP.]

Well, field trips can get worse. Much MUCH worse. One time, Bean left with a smile on his face, and it turned out they tricked him into a BATH. There are real reasons I don't go anywhere. I never can tell if they're going to trick me into a bath. *Shudder.*

[Bean at the Vet: Just no.]

Oh, but it can get worse still. Recently, they took both dogs out, and both were so happy. But then, they dragged them to the VET. I can't imagine a worse field trip than getting stabbed and poked and prodded like that. Let me tell you that going outside is just a bad idea. Friends don't let friends leave the house. If someone invites you to leave EVER, just say no. 

Worse than Kittens

[Annoying visitors.]

Ruru the Cat here. Yeah, turns out there's something worse than visiting kittens. That's visiting puppies. Our neighbors like to bring some over here. I'm glad, like the kittens, those stupid puppies are temporary visitors. But still. One of them, at least, is little. Little but fast, enthusiastic, and all about stealing my people. It's hard to dodge something that moves that fast. 

[Much Worse: Another Yeti.]

It got much worse when the puppy was a zillion times bigger than me, a yeti like our former neighbors had. Those things are MONSTERS. The puppies are all about introducing themselves by sniffing your butt. Nothing says scary like a monster sniffing your rear end. They don't seem to understand a cat's butt noodle is sacred and should NOT be sniffed. They also fill every room they're in. And leave hair and smells EVERYWHERE. 

[Really Annoying. Even to Bean.]

If your resident annoying dog-shaped furniture (Bean) finds visiting dogs annoying, then, you know they have to be annoying.  I'm just glad I can hide in my room (the one my people believe to be theirs) and not have to deal with them much. But not much is still SOME. Honestly, humans, leave the monsters at the door. Or, better yet, far from it.