Christmas and Done

[gifts: source]

Ruru the Cat here.  So this Christmas stuff is growing on me.  Everybody hopped out of bed and ran out to look at some crap on the sofa.  I think it had something to do with this weird "Santa" everyone keeps talking about.  But I found it pretty meaningless.  I didn't see any dude in red come in, so I don't get it.  When they ripped open the stuff wrapped in paper, they didn't even drop the paper for us to kill.

[Oh, the smells of that cat-shaped thingy!]

No, the really cool part was when they pulled out a sock thing full of goodies just for cats.  Yeah, they threw us plastic balls with bells inside.  The kittens went for them, but no self-respecting cat would waste their time on that.  It got better when they brought out the long, floppy stuff with feathers and swung them around.  The little toys with feathers were fine, too.  Then, they brought out the amazing things.  They were these soft things that I think were supposed to look like cats, but that wasn't the reason they were so amazing.  

[He thinks he can have it, just because I drop it.]

No, it was the smells coming from those soft things.  I couldn't get enough.  I hugged them and bit them, hoping to get more of those smells.  I felt a little giddy and weird, but it was so good.  Someone said, "Cat nip," whatever that means.  I could swim in those smells.  But I kept dropping them, and that stupid Dude, Mr. MeowMeow, whatever his name is, kept stealing them.  It was brutal.  They were MINE.  I clearly marked them, but he'd grab them whenever I dropped them.  It just wasn't nice.  Wait.  No, this is my blog.  Quit typing on my blog.  Crap.  

[All that was left when they stole my tree.]

Hi.  Mr. MeowMeow here.  Thanks for sharing the blog and the toys.  Very generous of you.  Ruru didn't get to the really mean part.  No, they took away MY gym, the big, green one.  I tried to stop them, but they put it all away, all the pieces of the fake tree thing and those wonderful, shiny baubles I kept throwing off the tree.  It's just not fair.  

[Feathers are okay, but give me the nip any day.]

Speaking of not fair, Mr. MeowMeow, I did NOT share the blogs or the toys or the tree.  They're mine.  And, yeah, that happens every year.  I've tried to stop it, too.  Doesn't work.  Quit pouting.  Just deal with the fact that it's all mine.  I got here first.  You don't know where they hid the cat nip, do you?  No?  What good are you, anyway?  

Toddlergeddon: Crisis Averted

[Don't make me look]

Ruru the Cat here.  We came that close to a repeat of toddlergeddon, where our house is descended upon by an army of toddlers, playing in my dog food, chasing and slapping cats, and generally making mayhem.  You really don't want to see it.  It's ugly.  Nightmarish.  

[Humans with packages.  Never a good sign.  Source]

First, various adult humans showed up with brightly-colored packages.  I was getting nervous because too many humans are too many.  They're loud and get in your space.  Adult types are not as bad as the little ones.  But one of them was the human who always comes with toddlers in tow.  AND one of them showed up to play with toys and chase us out of our peaceful living room.  I felt all my hair standing on end. 

[Pom family reunion]

But then, the little one came...and left.  They left their annoying, yippy, energetic dog that looks a lot like our dogs and smells familiar.  I think she used to live here, but I was so worried that the human little ones were coming, that I didn't mind.  My humans left, too, to something they called a "family Christmas party."  When they spoke of it, I was sure it was going to be here with toddlers and everything.  I was sure my house would be destroyed and left with nasty human smells.  But only a few came and left.  And the house was quiet.  It was a storm dodged.  As long as they didn't come here, that's what's important.  Because no Christmas is happier than one without people.  

The Nightmare Two Weeks Before Christmas

[This reindeer hat does not make me happy]

Ruru the Cat here.  So, my whiny brother thinks he needs my blog today.  I already HAD a Halloween kitty hijack my blog last week.  Sorta.  Do I have to?  I mean, I was going to tell you all about how my person made me suffer by putting a reindeer hat on me.  It was TERRIBLE.  It HAS to be worse than whatever Chonk Boy has to tell you.  Okay, fine.  Here's my annoying brother.  

[This door is what it felt like to be locked in--source]

I'm Toothless aka My Boy aka Chonk.  (Okay, that last one hurts a little.  Or it would if I cared what people or certain rude cats call me.)  So we were minding our own business when my person started locking cats away for hours at a time.  

Ru: Yeah, that part sucked. For all of us.  I think they wanted to see our pee.  The mom seemed particularly interested in the litter box.  All I can say is humans are weird. 

[I tolerate my brother, but there's a limit.]

Toothless:   Maybe it's because I was peeing blood.  It hurt, but I don't see how that would matter to people or why I should be imprisoned not ONE but TWO nights in the bathroom.  At least one of them, Ru was in there with me, so I wasn't totally alone.  

Ru: Being stuck in a room with just my brother for companionship.  Oh, joy.  Oh, rapture.  

[How a cat should be treated.]

Toothless:  Thanks.  You're no party, either.  Anyway, so then, it got worse.  I knew something bad would happen if I peed in that box they left for me both nights, so I didn't.  They hauled me off, anyway, in a locked little box and took me in this loud, smelly machine I've never been in somewhere that smelled like a lot of other animals.  Some human I'd never seen before and hope to never see again poked and prodded me in all sorts of unpleasant ways.  

Ru:  Yeah, that's called a vet.  I don't recommend them.  They don't respect boundaries.  And they don't seem to recognize cats rule the world. 

[The comfort I did NOT get that night.]

Toothless:  Then, my person left me.  LEFT me!  I'm supposed to walk away from her, not the other way around.  I was stuck in a cage ALL NIGHT LONG with just a box, some water, and some kibble.  Even though I cried out and tried to explain I didn't belong in a cage, they didn't let me free.  Finally, hours and hours and hours after humans came back and started wandering around, they brought me back (in another stinking cage--smelled like dog) to my person.  She didn't let free me right away.  She stuck me back in that loud, smelly machine again.  

Ru:  Oh, you mean a car?  Yeah, I hate 'em, too.  

[How I see that nasty medicine stuff.  Source]

Toothless:  I finally got home.  I felt much better except the peeing blood part.  Anyway, so now, my person tried to feed me food that smelled a little gross.  Then, she started sneaking up on me when I sleep or when I'm sitting happily on her and then, she'll shove this nasty, sticky liquid in my mouth.  It's positively disgusting.  

Ru:  Yeah, that's medicine.  Just close your mouth hard.  

Toothless:  I've tried that.  Doesn't work.  She even gets her mate to help.  It's just brutal.  If some human tries to get you to pee in a box, just run.  Not kidding.  Run.  

[Let me remind you what real suffering looks like.] 

Ru:  Oh, well, better you than me.  But it is funny to watch you trying to shake that taste out of your mouth.  Yeah, I told you the hat was worse.  Way, way worse.  Hey, quit rolling your eyes at me.  I didn't know cats could roll their eyes.  Brothers.  

I Stole Her Gym

[Me, discovering the tree for the first time.]

 Ha ha!  Mr. MeowMeow aka Quill aka Dude, kitten thief extraordinaire, first stole Ru's tree, and now, I stole her blog.  Yeah, I know, she already wrote one.  But then, she left it open.  Ru is wayyyy too uppity.  She thinks she owns the house and runs the world just because she's a cat.  Guess what?  I'm a cat, too.  Two can play at this game.  

[I'm in there somewhere, killing the sparkly baubles]

I spent all week long running up and down that awesome "jungle gym," knocking everything off I could.  I tug at one and then another, hoping to knock it off.  I was sad to see the most breakable ornaments get put back into a box.  That would have been super awesome fun to actually break stuff.  Instead, I just get to toss stuff off.  Each day, I challenge myself to toss off more stuff than I did the day before.  Tomorrow, I'll pull off the most things of all!  So, the people keep putting the things back on the tree.  It's my tree, and I will kill it!  I will keep tugging at the stubborn ones 'til they come off.  This is the best thing ever.  

[i'm not so sure of this.]

Paige:  are you sure we should, mr. meowmeow?  i mean, the people worked so hard on this tree.  they must like it the way it is.  

Me: Ah, sweet Paige, if they didn't want it to suffer, they shouldn't have made it so shiny and dangly.  They're practically begging me to dismember it.  Never have you seen a cat as happy as me.  I hope they leave this thing up all year long!  So it can die!  Again!  And again!  And again!

He Stole My Gym!

 

[MY tree-type thing]

Ruru the Cat here.  Every year, I get all excited when my people trot out that green thing that looks like a tree but doesn't smell right to be something natural.  It's plastic and fake, but it's so fascinating to all of us.  I made sure to climb that thing first thing, so everyone knows it's mine.  That worked for one of the evil cats last year.  She claimed it and chased all of us away.  But this year, I decided it was and always would be mine.  

[My sparklies!]

Then, they started putting those shiny danglies and sparkles and lights everywhere on it.  My heart thrilled with each one as I imagined killing it.  I pictured swatting it 'til it hit the ground and shattered.  I yearned for the moment that the humans would go to sleep, and that jungle gym would be all mine.  

[The upstart wants to usurp my jungle gym]

But then, those upstart kittens jumped on it and through it.  The thing shook so hard that I was sure we were having an earthquake.  I slunk back over and waited on the boring old cat tree for the shaking and shattering and swatting that should have been mine to end.  But it never ends.  He totally claimed my jungle gym.  But I got to it first.  And I'm the big sister.  They're just kittens.                                                                                     

[I'll pretend I don't notice her there.  all mine]

So I claimed that cat tree harder than ever to make sure no one gets it.  It's not the jungle gym I wanted, but at least I got a tree.  And it's mine.  Stop looking at it.  Mine.  

Too Peopley

 

[How life should be--me and one person to spoil me.]

Ruru the Cat here.  Most days are pretty quiet.  I like those days.  Sometimes I have to beat on other cats, or Maya acts like a bully and a jerk to me.  No, Mr. Meow Meow, that does not mean I'm a bully like Maya.  I'm a lot nicer than she is, and I'll swat your butt if you tell them otherwise.  Anyway, so I can usually get the love and affection I want.  It's quiet and peaceful.  I approve, except when the dogs steal my dog food, or the cats get in my face.  

[What a mess looks like--too many humans with large feet to step on cats.  Source.]

Well, today, there was a mob scene with too many people, some of whom actually tried to TOUCH me. And no one even consulted with me.  People said words like, "Happy Thanksgiving" and whatever human drivel, but they didn't ask me.  I'll let them live because they offered me turkey and cheese.  But seriously.  This is my house.  When I want people in it, I'll tell you.  But since I don't know how to speak, you'll be waiting a VERY long time.  

Tolerating My Brother

 

[Me and my tolerable brother.]

Ruru the Cat here.  With so much craziness going on in the world around me, I decided to give my brother a chance to show me he wasn't a horrible monster.  You know how brothers are.  I just got used to thinking of him as just another cat.  He gets on my nerves as much as any other cat. But recently, I've figured out he's semi-tolerable.  That's high praise for a brother.  We've snuggled some and even groomed each other.  Aren't I nice?  Maybe it was just a bout of insanity that I'd let him snuggle me.  

[Brothers are overrated.]

'Cuz the next time I tried, he attacked me.  I wasn't sure if he was being mean or trying to play.  I get that enough from the other cats around me.  Sometimes, I wish I could talk to the other cats like people do.  Then again, they'd talk back.  And I'd have to listen.  Teach me to want to be a human, even a little, or to tolerate my brother.  I just have to remind myself I'm queen of my house, queen of the world.  'Cuz I'm a cat.  

The Cone of Shame

[The kid and me.]

Paige:  hi.  im paige.  im a kitten, but im getting bigger.  i am gonna be a big cat soon.  

Ru:  Yes, little one, but don't be in such a hurry to grow up.  I don't mind you as a kitten.  But you still have to learn how to capitalize and use apostrophes.   

[I don't like the blue thing.]

Paige:  i don't know what that means.  so ru wanted me to tell you about this week.  i went somewhere in a cage, and they poked me and everything went black.  when i woke up, i didnt feel too good.  i was sleepy and couldt walk straight.  they put me in a blue thing.  

Ru:  That's called the cone of shame.  It made you look ridiculous.  I hear it's because they had you "fixed," whatever that means.  We've all been through it.  Seems to be just one of those cruel human things.  Maybe they delight in torturing cats. 

[I nearly fell off the bed.  It was scary.]

Paige: it wasnt fun.  i couldnt see very well.  i kept trying to back out of it but i couldt.  i almost fell off the bed.  

Ru: That was the really funny part.  It was hilarious.  She was just floppy, unlike Mr. MeowMeow, who fought like a demon to get free.  

[No more torture!]

Paige:  finally, i got out of the blue thing.  but they put me in the cage to sleep.  it was boring so i slept.  when i woke up the next morning i felt way better.  but my tummy was naked.  all my beautiful, fluffy fur was gone.  i didnt have the blue thing, so i could clean the little line there i didnt have before.  i feel pretty good now.  

Ru:  Yeah, remember that torture bit?  They leave us shaven and with weird slits in us.  It makes you wonder what they steal from us. I found myself irrationally upset to find they did this to my baby, too.  Seriously, humans, do you not see something wrong with this?  That's why I hang out with cats.  Except most of them, who I don't like.  Okay, maybe I like humans.  I just don't like it when they torture us.  

Where's my mommy?

 

[Happy Cali with her person]

Ruru the Cat here.  So for what felt like forever, we had this big, smelly, farty dog here.  Her name was Cali.  I was not her biggest fan.  She liked cats maybe a little too much.  She'd snurfle our litter boxes for treats and would steal our extra food and had the gall to eat her own dog food.  The nerve. I'm supposed to be able to steal that.  She moved into our basement with her person and made it hard to hide away.  She wanted to snuggle or play with us.  She was, you know, a DOG.  And she's thankfully been gone a year with only one brief visit between.  Anyway, I got an email from her recently, and I'm not sure how to respond: 

[Cali unhappy because she's being held by the wrong person-My person]

Deer cat and dog frends,

My momy is gone.  I dunno where.  She was heer and acting sik.  I was sad.  But then peeple I did'nt no came in a took her away with lowd noyses and flashing lites.  And she's gone.  She has'nt come bak.  Do you kno where she went?  

Luv, 

Cali.  

[Poor Cali.  Sad and alone.]

Ruru again.  Wow, that's a sad letter.  Sad because Cali doesn't know how to spell and sadder because I think I know the answer.   I don't have the heart to tell her I heard her "Mommy" got really sick, went to the hospital, and died.  It's something called a panda demic or something.  Ir's all anyone can talk about, though I don't get what it is.  All I know is it's bad.  My people were boohooing about her person a while ago.  It made me sad, too.  Cali's mommy was nice to all of us.  Sorry, Cali.  Not sure what to say except I think it's time to take another nap and hope all of this goes away.  

Mr. MeowMeow Triumphant

 

[The things floating near the ceiling.]

Ruru the Cat here.  Last week's blog depressed me so much I forgot to post it.  This is this week's blog.  Once again, there was a loss, but it actually made me laugh.  All week long, silly Mr. MeowMeow has been eyeing this silver thing that floats near the ceiling.  I think they call it a balloon.  I've only ever seen one a couple of times.  

[He's stalking the balloon but not letting me play]

He kept playing with the string attached, even eating pieces.  He'd let Paige play with it a little, he wouldn't let anybody else touch it.  He wanted to be the one to kill it.  It didn't interest me much, but it made me laugh watching him stalk it because it was all the way up there.  Cats like high up places, but this was ridiculous.  

[Not long before he got it.]

Well, all week, he'd try to get it closer.  He'd climb up higher to get closer to it.  Finally, he got it, and it made this loud pop and then a whooshing sound.  He about jumped out of his skin.  He ran for the hills.  It was hilarious.  I've rarely seen anything that funny.  

[Prey in front of predator.  Not a mouse.]

Then, he and Paige came out and started patting at it to make sure it wouldn't pop anymore.  I was curious, too, but not curious enough to start a fight.  they spent the rest of the day playing with it like it was some kind of dead mouse.  Of course, it wasn't really a dead mouse, or I would have stolen it and killed it some more.  As it was, he looked so triumphant.  I'll have to tell him later he didn't kill anything.  It was never alive.  Silly non-mouser.  One of these days, I'll have to teach him how to really hunt.  But not today.  Today, I'm taking a nap.  

My Little Friend

[Ru and me!]  

Bean: Hi.  I'm Bean the boy puppy.  Ruru said I could write her blog this week.   I like Ruru.  She will sometimes even sit by me or share my dog food with me.  She wants me to talk about this.  I'm not sure why.  She keeps saying she hates kittens.  But I keep seeing her be nice to Paige and Mr. MeowMeow, and she hasn't even killed the little ones, even though she calls them rats.  

 

[A kitten and me]

Not sure why.  I like those kittens.  They'll snuggle me and play with me.  Kittens make me happy except when they try to find food on me.  I'm not sure where I'd be hiding any food.  

Ru: They think you're the mama cat who can give them milk.  

Bean: Milk?  Ruru, I don't even have any milk.  Where would I put milk?  I like milk,  It's yummy.  Can you get me some milk? 

Ru: Never mind.  Tell them about the thing that happened.  

[Batman when we first got him]

Bean: Well, that little kitten, Batman, stopped moving around very much.  He stopped eating and started stumbling all over when he tried to move at all.  The people around here said when they took him somewhere that he fell in his water and couldn't push out.  My person mommy had to save him.  I didn't get what was going on.  

Ru: And that's a surprise how?  

[Snuggling him didn't fix it.  I don't get it. Snuggling fixes everything.]

Bean: Huh?  Anyway, so then, our people came back looking sad.  They said words like "vet" and "Feline Parvo," but it didn't make any sense to me.  I just saw that poor kitten who snuggled and played with me and shared his food with me got weaker and weaker and sicker and sicker until he stopped moving.  All in one day. 

[Getting him wet didn't break him, did it?]

He was fine one day, playing with my tail and my feet and looking for food, and then, he stopped moving and was all floppy.  My person mommy started crying and crying, but I don't know why.  Did he go to sleep, Ruru?  They took him out and didn't bring him back. 

Ru: No, little Bean, he's not asleep, and he's not coming back.  He died.  

Bean: What does that mean?  

Ru: Ask your person mommy, silly dog.    

[Ru looks sad here I think, but it's hard to tell.]

Bean: Ruru, you look sad.  I thought you didn't like kittens. It makes me sad to think my little buddy, Batman, might not come back.  Are you sure he's not coming back?  Ruru?  She walked away.  Well, that's the sad thing that happened this week.  

Déjà Mew

[3 little kittens lost their right to be in my house.]

Again? This is Ruru the Cat, and I'm seriously thinking of moving.  My people must hate me.  Not kidding.  I was sure after my person brought home not one but FIVE kittens earlier this summer (one all by himself and then four calicos in a set), she had learned her lesson.  Five.  In my house.  MY house.  And the humans smartened up and got rid of three of them.  But two of them are still here, eating my dog food that I steal fair and square and sleeping in my cat tree.  

[Don't mess with my babies.]

Granted, they're now MY kittens.  I've claimed them.  I play with them, clean them sometimes, and even let them borrow my food.  I like them because they know I'm awesome.  And because of them, our people got rid of some obnoxious cats that were the bane to my existence.  

[The new beasts.  Even Paige can't stand them.]

But now, my people have gone too far, much much too far.  They brought home three MORE kittens.  And no one even asked me!  They smell and look kind of like the first set, like they came from the same place.  It wasn't here.  I promise that because other than my youngest kitten, Paige, we've all been "fixed," which I think means broken.  I don't get it except I hear it means we don't produce kittens.  Not sure why anyone would want to produce little crazy monsters like that who seem to see my lovely tail as a fair target, almost like a mouse.  Go kill a mouse and leave my tail alone.  Except then, they'd be preying on my mice as well as eating the food I could be eating.  

[Kittens: who needs 'em?]

I just don't get what humans see in baby anything, particularly baby kittens.  The very word sends chills down my spine.  The only thing that makes them redeemable is they grow up to be cats.  Then again, I don't like cats, either.  Except my babies.  As long as they don't get in my face or eat my food.  Humans need to learn this is my house, my rules.  And rule number one is no more kittens.  

Mad House!

 

[I'll watch your silly human antics from the lovely spot I stole fair and square from the kittens.]

Ruru the Cat here.  Not kidding.  It was a crazy place today.  I didn't think much of it when some oldish human showed up yesterday.  Those pretty much leave us alone.  Bean went nuts barking at him when he so much as moved, but I saw nothing wrong with him.  Life went on as usual.  

[Okay, now I've moved to the basement, so I don't have to deal with crap like getting put in a hat like poor Bean here.]

But then, the small humans started arriving, then more old people, middle-agey type humans, and their little offspring until my whole house was filled with chaos.  We cats all had to hide in the basement and hope they'd all disappear.  

[Mr. MeowMeow, next time, when the rest of us run, you'd better run or you'll be held like this.]

Poor Mr. MeowMeow (still the dumbest name in the house) didn't run fast enough.  He got grabbed and passed around.  Bean got locked out because he wouldn't stop barking at the human types of all sizes.  But we cats couldn't so much as peer out without getting grabbed.  It was TERRIFYING.  

[Poor Dodgy buried in birthday wrap.  See?  I'm pretending to care what happens to the dogs.  Be impressed with my compassion.]

Even mellow Dodgy got surrounded and buried in stuff.  Humans are scary in large herds, especially when they bring their offspring.  Next time, I think I'll move to the moon.  I've heard it's safe from little kids.  For now, anyway.