Bathmageddon!

[Drowned rat named Dodger.]

Ruru the Cat here.  Recently, a horrible thing occurred, and I was nervous it would affect me.  It's what I like to call Bathmageddon!  One beast of the house after another got shoved into the tub.  I can't tell you how horrifying it was.  Worse yet, there was actual WATER in that tub.  I hate to excite your nightmares with such an image, but so it was. 

[Wet rat Twixie.]

My person's mom first put one dumb dog then another into that tub.  It didn't matter that neither dog wanted to be there or that they fought to be free.  They were both soaked, soaped, and released, drench, and ridiculous looking (that part was awesome). 

[Okay, this one is a wet rat.  A cactus rat.]

Just when I thought the nightmare was limited to those two, then my people shoved the bearded dragon then the hedgehog in there.  I was quite sure they were going to move on to the snake, the other cats, and me.  I wouldn't have minded the snake or other cats being plunked in that tub.  I would have just laughed.  Looking at a drenched rat named Maya or Cass dripping with water would have been amazing.  But if they bathed the cats, they would have come to me next because, technically, I AM a cat.  I've had nightmares ever since.  Do they not know bath is a four-letter word?  Seriously.  I don't know why humans even have bathtubs around.  It's just not right. 

Ditched Me and Cheated on Me!

[A guy sir from the fabled yellow stone.]

   

Ruru the Cat here.  I can't believe the lows to which my person has sunk this week.  See, she disappeared ALL WEEK.  I mean, gone Monday and not back again until FRIDAY.  It was horrible.  She was talking about those yellow stones or guy sirs or maybe hot pots (some kind of pan?) or something.  I don't know.  Some human nonsense.  But she was gone for a long LONG time. Like, without ME.  Come on.  Her world is supposed to revolve around me.  How could this be? 

[fuzzy little feline worms next door]

Then, she came back.  And I was delighted until about the time I could surf through her pictures.  Then, I saw she'd been petting everything under the sun other than me.  She's been going over to the next door neighbor's and petting not just their cat but their ITTY BITTY monstrous worm-like kitten things.  How can they be better than me?  Then, when she went far away to that yellow stone place, she found far more than a yellow stone. 

[hobnobbing with other cats]

                                                                                                                                                                 
She found a black DOG and a black cat AND a black kitten.  [What's the deal?  The neighbors/cousins have color coordinated white dogs and cat; the far away cousins have color-coordinated black dog and black cat.  Are they gonna ditch me for a brown cat now around here?]  It sort of feels like she ran away just so she could play with all those other beasties.  It's just not fair.  She's MY person.  I know she plays with the other dogs and cats around here.  I know she'll come back to me.  She's my person.  Mine.  Everyone else, back off. 

Parasitic Infestation

[That's not a cat.  That's a FAT.  Shut up, Toothless.  I am NOT fatter than the fat.]

Ruru the Cat here.  So, I heard this story that made me thankful not to be our neighbor's (my person's cousin's) cat, Marshmallow.  Weirdest thing happened to her.  She started blowing up like an uncomfortable balloon.  It was weird, from what I hear, because something was wiggling in that fuzzy balloon.  I figured she was just sick.  Seems like just a couple of weeks ago, she was here as a nasty, evil, little beast haunting my steps and harassing me, teaching me exactly how much I DON'T like kittens.

[Ha!  see how much you like kittens dogging your steps.]

Anyway, so then, my people went over there, and the funniest thing happened.  She's now less fat, and she's been stricken with her OWN plague of those nasty beasties called kittens.  I think they call that karma.  Here's what she had to say about it:

[Scoutie, the thorn in my side that kind of grew on me.]

They just wouldn't come!  Oh, my crap.  It was so hot, I thought I was gonna die.  I just wanted them OUT, those painful things keeping me awake all day, every day, and all night, too.  And people wouldn't leave me alone, either.  I just wanted to be left alone to wander the neighborhood.  Scoutie, my persons' other cat, kept teasing me that I was getting fatter than he was.  Then, he just disappeared.  Was kind of a nice change of pace that he's not teasing me, anymore, but I kind of miss that lug.  Sure, he was a pain, but he'd groom me when I was just too hot and tired and in pain to bother. 

[The humans just won't leave us alone!  But it's kind of nice.]

Anyway, so it finally happened.  I got them to come OUT.  And they're here!  My darling angels are here, all three of them, and I can lick them clean and cuddle them and protect them and feed them. But here's the obnoxious part.  Now EVERYONE, including near strangers, are staring at me and trying to mess with my darlings ALL THE TIME.  Who asked them?  They're my babies!  Leave us the freak alone!  I growl to tell the humans to back off, but they just keep petting my angels, my babies, my sweet things.  It's a headache. But I like it, as long as they pet me, too.  

[The only cat that ought to matter to anyone.  That's right.  Me.]

Nah, with all that whining and their cheeping, you're all a headache.  Can I tell you how happy I am that's not me?  I wonder what made her so sick that she blew up and popped out little parasites like that.  Hope it won't happen to me.

Yay for Summer Vacation!

[Me having to entertain myself with boxes when my person isn't home.]

Ruru the Cat here.  Every year at about this time, my person breaks that nasty habit of going to that terrible place that takes her away from me every day.  You know, that mystery place called "school."  I don't know why she ever goes back to it.  I'm so much better than school any day.  She tells me so all the time.  So why does she ditch me like she does?  I don't get it. 

[Me much happier because my person is home.]

When she goes to school, she holds me for something like five minutes in the morning after her people make her wake up, then she ditches me in her room.  Where I sit all day long, bored as all get out.  I sometimes wonder if a cat can actually die of boredom.  She finally gets home, so tired she can scarcely pet me.  I mean, seriously, does this school place have a literal soul-sucker? 

[Me, tolerating a kiss because it means my person is home.  Now, no touchy.]

Those days of summer break, it's hot, so I shed a lot.  That's not so good.  But my person is around so much I sometimes wish I could get quiet time.  But she holds me, she loves me, and she reminds me how much I love having her around.  Until I try to excuse her, and she doesn't accept my authority.  Seriously.  Can't I have this happy medium, where I can have my slave give me the proper amount of adoration while not demanding anything in return?  But I do like summer vacation.  I vote we ban this school business.  Anyone with me?

MORE Alien Invaders?

[Me, not needing a toddler in my house]

Ruru the Cat here.  My people do some pretty awesome things.  Like glorify cats in short stories.  Like snuggle me when I want to be snuggled.  Like feed me.  There are times humans are well-behaved like proper pets should be.  Then again, there are times that humans are straight up misbehaved, like when they let little kids in my house without my permission.

[Alien invaders!] 

 
I mean, I've blogged about this, right?  So everyone should know how much I hate alien humans invading my peaceful little house.  The one good thing is they didn't bring any mutts or foreign cats.  The not so good thing is they brought in a toddler to slap dogs (and cats, given the chance), a little girl to bounce all over and throw stuff, and a bigger boy to...well, basically ignore us, so he can stare at that flat mechanical thingy all humans around here stare at all the time.  I didn't mind that one.  But the little ones ... we know what little ones do.  They throw the doggie kibble around instead of letting me steal it, put human cooties in my water, take up all the space, make a lot of noise, and generally make it so I want to run and hide and wish them away. 

At least they disappeared quickly this time, leaving behind cheese and meat on bread (I think they call it pizza) to share with us.  So it wasn't all bad.  But humans, take note, those smaller humans are trouble.  Ban them.  Outlaw them.  Do whatever you have to do to make sure they don't invade my house.