[Me, under threat of bath]
Ruru the Cat here. I HATE baths. Hate them. I'm of the firm belief that anyone who thinks baths are a good idea should be used as a scratching post. I mean, baths are bad news. Nothing good (except warm water to drink) has EVER come from a bath. Today, my mean old person was threatening to throw me in the bath. She laughed the whole time and even ran a little water just to convince me she really meant it. That's COLD. Okay, the water was warm, but just threatening a cat with a bath is as bad as threatening a human child with vegetables and a mouse with a fun game of cat-and-mouse. Bad things, I tell you, bad things.
And just to prove that baths are bad and that all bath tubs should be thrown out and burned, I thought I'd bring in all the others to help me with a scientific survey like the one I did to prove vacuums were the very devil. You remember how valid and totally convincing that was? Well, here we go again. But this time, we'll start with the cats because cats are smarter than dogs.
[Toothless, up to his questionable and almost bath-like drinking in the sink.]
Okay, fellow cats, if you don't want me to eat your dinner tonight, agree with me that any water touching the fur is just wrong and likely to cause a cat to melt into a puddle of ooze.
Maya: What do you mean, you'll eat my dinner? It's my dinner. I will hiss at you if you try. I'm older than you by a lot. That makes me the alpha. Don't mess with my dinner.
Me: Fine, whatever, old cat. I wouldn't brag. Tell me how nasty baths are.
Maya: I don't like water except to drink, but I've never taken a bath. I don't think I'd like one.
Me: I think you just said you agree with me. Hey, Cass, I'll let you live if you agree, too.
Cass: Quit looking at me. You scare me. S o do baths, though I've never had one. But I don't mind letting water drip down my face when it's fresh and comes from the tap.
Me: I'll take that as a yes, baths are pure evil. Okay, Toothless. Tell me how nasty water is.
Toothless: Cass is right. Fresh water from the tap is awesome, even if it does get me wet. Not much for baths, but I love that fresh water.
Me: No, all water on the fur is bad. It should not happen. It could melt you. My person has given me baths before. They are bad. They are terrifying.
[Dodger, modeling his wet-rat-post-bath look.[
Okay, dogs. What do you say about baths? Think carefully, so I don't have to hurt you.
Dodger: Cat! Barkbarkbarkbarkbark!
Me: What he means is baths are scary and bad. He actually had one last week. Looked like a drowned rat. It was hilarious. He spent the whole time whining to get out. I about died laughing.
[Ain't he pitiful?]
Twixie: I hate baths. Hate 'em. I think my person is picking me up to love me and give me treats, but then, she sticks me in the water and gets me wet and puts nasty stuff on me and sprays me off and I hate it until she picks me up and holds me and rubs me off and gives me treats. Okay, so maybe baths aren't so bad.
Me: Who asked you?
Twixie: Uh... you did.
Me: Whatever. Calli?
Calli: I like baths. Well, this tub scared me and made me slip.
Me: You almost did a backflip. It was great!
Calli: I like some tubs, but this one is really big and hard to escape. But baths aren't so bad because my person loves me.
[Seriously? That is not a look of terror on that bathing creature's face. What is wrong with this thing?]
Me: Okay, enough wasting time with dogs. Weirdos in the boy human's room?
Hedgehog: You're scary! Baths are awesome, but you have teeth and claws. Don't eat me!
Python: Man, I could use a long soak in a nice, warm tub. Mmmmm baths.
Beardie: Bath? Where? I would very much appreciate a lengthy period of time allowing my dry scales to absorb much-needed moisture.
Leopard gecko: Bath? What's a bath? '
Me: And there you have it. We all agree baths should be cast into the great abyss. Now, how do you get humans to read this, so I can prove baths should not exist?
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