Puppy Toddlers?

[Hmm.  Thought it'd be scarier.]

Ruru the Cat here.  Who knew that dogs have a toddler version?  I really had no idea.  We've had what people around here called puppies.  They seem hyperactive and bigger than me, jumping all over and trying to lick me.  Eating my dog food.  Attacking everything that moved.  Basically, a louder, bigger, smellier version of an obnoxious kitten (but I repeat myself.)  It turns out that puppies come in smaller sizes.  And wussier sizes, too.  Some people who are over here frequently (they own the yeti that used to haunt my backyard) brought these things they called "puppies." 

[This is where I was sure I was dead.]

When I caught that my person was holding one of those dog toddlers, I started to freak out.  I mean, puppies/dogs are bad.  Toddlers are worse.  You throw them all together into one creature, and you'd expect them to jump all over you, pull your tail, and suck on your head like you were a lolly pop until you exploded.  I mean, I was picturing a Mega Monster to end all monsters. 

[Twixie in his awesome cone of shame meeting one of the puppy things.  Did I mention it's the best thing ever to watch Twix try to run upstairs in that thing?  He bumps into every stair.  HEELARIOUS.  Bummer he's out of it now.  Thought I was gonna laugh myself sick.]

But then I saw that these things are about as scary as a spaghetti noodle.  I mean, the people plunk them down, and they sort of sit wherever they're put, like a stuffed "animal."  They were about as terrifying as a teddy bear.  Almost (but not quite) cute, too.  The worst part of their visit was NOT the floppy little fuzzpuddles, themselves. 

[My twisted person smiling over my pain over being outside.]

The worst part was my person thought it was hilarious to use their visit as an excuse to carry me to this big scary place they call OUTSIDE.  She thought it was awesome to swing with me. 

[Perversity of thinking I want to slide.  Do you see that look of terror?  Seriously.]

And slide with me.  I DO NOT WANT TO SLIDE.  All that fast moving?  Only way I want to move that fast is if I'm chasing down a tasty little mouse that needs to die. 

[Nasty grass.  Terrible stuff.  Why'd they ever invent it?] 

And put me into this awful stuff they call GRASS.  I mean, if not for that, I wouldn't mind those little dog-toddlers around here.  (Never thought I'd hear myself say THAT).  As long as they don't get big.  And toddlery.  Or, worse yet, turn into big, slobbery yeti dogs.   *Shudder.*

Cheating on Me

[My person doing rude things with my ears, but also paying attention to the RIGHT thing: ME!]

Ruru the Cat here.  I know my person is cheating on me.  Twice this week, she's disappeared to somewhere else and come back smelling like dogs.  I mean, LOTS of dogs.  Little ones that smell fresh and new.  And when my people walked in the door, they were talking about these puppies.  They were feeding these little things.  From my experience, dogs will pretty much eat anything.  Why give them actual food?

[Mountain of attention-grabbing monsters.]

I scoped out my person's mom's pictures.  It's confirmed.  My person is actually ditching me to hang out with dogs.  LITTLE dogs.  And if they're as obnoxious as little cats, the only thing she could do that was worse was bringing them HERE.  We HAVE a puppy.  It's obnoxious and loud.  I think they said something about the number TEN.  What could one possibly do with ten annoying, slobbery little useless things?  And why spend time that way when you could actually spend time with ME?

[Ignore this picture.  There's nothing cute about it.  It's all about me.]

I just don't get why my person would choose them over me.  I'm cute, aren't I?  I'm loving and sweet.  I'm the center of the world.  Why do you need anything else?

Puppies Are a Pain

(Just the cat with her person.  The right number on one lap.)

Ruru the Cat here.  My people are nuts.  They have all these wonderful, perfect cats around but still think they need dogs.  What are they thinking?  I told you last week about this new puppy, the pomchi, Twix.  He's about my size.  How am I supposed to take him seriously?  Besides, he's just too pretty.  And not very bright.  I was hoping he was just coming for a visit.  Turns out he's my person's new shadow.  I'm my person's shadow.  She did not, does not, never WILL need a dog to worship her.  She has a CAT she's supposed to worship.  Seriously, people.  Dogs are such a waste of space.  They don't catch mice.  They don't snuggle as well as cats.  They don't use litter boxes.  They're just not CATS.

                                                    (An overpopulated lap: too many dogs)

What?  No.  Really, Dodger, I do not want to hand my blog over to a dog.  Dogs leave dog slobber, dog fur, dog cooties.  No, Dodger, Twix does not need to borrow my keyboard.  Oh, that's just rude.  You will not lick me.  Get out of my face!  Fine.  I'll let stupid Twix take my stupid keyboard.  What did I tell you?  DOGS.

                                 (Cats are scary--see Ruru's demon eyes?)

Hi.  I'm Twix.  Are you sure it's okay, Dodger?  Ruru won't hurt me if I use her keyboard?  I came from a place where I was hurt a lot.  I mean, a lot.  I had to be rescued from a hot car, where they left me for a long, long time until I almost died.  It was scary.  And my people, my master and her boyfriend, hurt me and scared me a lot.  I loved them, but it was hard.  I'm only 10 months old.  I have too many scary memories.  I don't like to be hurt.  

Another lady had to rescue me from that hot car and took really good care of me.  I hoped she would be my master, but it turns out she decided she had too many dogs in too little space and not enough time for me, so she wanted a better place to put me.  Isn't she sweet?  

(Me being happy.)

I'm happy here at my new home except when anybody but my new master tries to touch me or comes into my master's room.  All of that is scary to me because I never know if they're going to hurt me like my old masters.  Oh, and I'm scared of cats.  Kind of, anyway.  Especially Ruru, who seems to see my new master as her person and only her person.  Ruru hisses at me sometimes.  

I like to sit in peace and quiet for hours at a time and just bask in the glow of my new master.  She is so wonderful to me.  She pets me and carries me around like a baby and pets me and snuggles me and lets me snuggle her.  She's so great.  I'm getting used to the other people around here.  There's my master and my master's mom.  I like my master's mom because she pets me and feeds me and gives me water and treats and takes me for walks. There's my master's brother.  He's okay because he's small.  I've figured out small people are good.  Big people can be bad.  The one I still find scary is my master's daddy.  He's only been nice to me, but I know big people are scary.  And he's big.  I'm just sure he's going to try to eat me or something.  So I run away whenever he's near.  But I know my master will protect me 'cuz she's way awesome.  Nobody could be awesomer.  Did I tell you she's awesome?  Okay, Ruru, you can have your keyboard back.  But first, stop hissing.  Please?  

                      (This saintly cat tolerating human crap)

Hey, Ruru again.  I can definitely agree that MY person is wonderful.  Wow, that Twix is a wuss.  He seems to be scared of his own shadow.  Scared of cats?  How can you be scared of cats?  Cats are wonderful.  Cats are the center of the universe.  Especially me.  I mean it.  Just "bask" in my glow.  I dare you.

Terrible!

[My used-to-be-dog-now-adopted-into-the-cat friend, Harmoni]

Ruru the Cat here.  The worst thing I can possibly imagine happened this week.  My good buddy, Harmoni, disappeared.  She was there one day, snuggling me and grooming me and just being awesome, and then she went out like usual to go potty.  I didn't think anything of it.  Then that silly thing the people are always talking into--I think it's called a phone--rang, and my people got all weepy and teary-eyed.  I heard them say words like "car" and "dead" and "highway" and "Harmoni."  I smelled Harmoni and blood through the window, but it didn't make any sense to me.   I didn't know what it all meant, just that I haven't seen Harmoni since.  My people have been looking really sad.  My person has been hugging me a lot.  I keep wondering when Harmoni will come back.  

[Thing is HUGE, like four times the size of my friend or more!]

But it's hard to say which was worse, that or what happened next.  The very next day, my people showed up with a monster.  I told you about the big white canine monster that lives outside.  I told you about the big black canine mountain that sometimes visits.  But those are sometimes visitors.  They don't invade my space...much.  This monster--they call it Izzy--has taken over my whole house.  Not kidding.  She eats all of Harmoni's food and sleeps in spots Harmoni used to sit, except she doesn't fit, including on people's shoulders and laps.  I thought at least while Harmoni was gone, I could eat all her food.  No, the Izzy Beast is like a vacuum on four legs.  

[Baby and I peering out to see if the Beast was coming.] 

[The Beast came!]

Worse yet, she terrorizes us cats.  We have to hide on the tallest pieces of furniture.  I peer at her from behind blinds, from under my armor chair I told you about, from on the piano, from behind my person's mom, from anywhere that is not directly in front of the line upon line upon line of white shark teeth.  But I've actually caught Baby PLAYING with that thing.  Playing with it.  And that's after that beast sat on Baby and pushed her off the bed!  Okay, I about died laughing when that happened.  Nobody does that to Baby and lives.  They don't call her the "Dumb Ways to Die" cat for nothing.  But this Beast still lives!

[This was the first day, when Baby had the right idea and wanted to kill it.]

I confronted Baby about playing with the Beast.  She said she was defending herself.  But when you're defending yourself, you growl and hiss and puff yourself up to look really big and scary.  My person says I'm cute when I do that, but she clearly doesn't know what she's talking about 'cuz I know I look like a mean panther.  Anyway, Baby is actually swatting at the Beast but not growling or puffing up or anything.  That Izzy monster is playing BACK!  Has the world gone mad?  Where is my Harmoni friend, and when can we get rid of this beast?  

[MISSING: ONE FUNNY LOOKING CAT.  IF YOU SEE HER, SEND HER HOME so she can take back my--I mean her--dish from the Beast.]

Sharing my Person

This is Ruru the Cat.  I know I whined about the puppy a few weeks ago, but I guess she's not so terrible.  She seems to like me and wants to play with me.  I even let her do it sometimes.  But unlike my silly brother, I will NOT be her chew toy.  It trips me out.  The puppy comes along, and he just lets her CHEW on his HEAD.  His HEAD.  Or his legs or back or whatever.  He TAKES it.  The rest of us lay down the law.  She tries to chew on our heads, and we show her with our claws that this is a great way to end up DEAD.

So I have to sleep on one side while the puppy sleeps on the other.  That's not so bad.  And my person still seems to snuggle me and hug me and play with me MORE.

There are problems.  Here, I thought when Daisy disappeared, I wouldn't have to compete for every piece of cheese or meat when our person mama is cooking.  But that stinking Harmony the Puppy is twice my size.  They go to feed ME a piece of meat or whatever, and that Harmony gets it.  She also has a thing for chewing on our litter box leavings.  I don't even know what that's all about.

But over all, it's okay.  I can handle sharing my person.  Sometimes.  As long as that puppy remembers who's boss.

PUPPY!

Dang it.  My person has been threatening to get herself a puppy.  I wonder if she noticed that I'm a cat.  I mean, a CAT, like with fur and whiskers.  The works.  I don't know if she's noticed this but CATS DON'T LIKE DOGS.  I tolerate my person mommy's pomeranian.  He's been around here for as long as I can remember, and he's a wuss.  If he crosses me, I can tell him where to go.  The weeniehuahua is like a second mommy to me most of the time.  She snuggles me.  She watches over me.  So she sometimes gets moody and treats me as if I weren't her funny looking puppy.  For one moment, she forgets I'm her child and treats me as if I were a dreaded feline.  But as a rule, they're fine.  I can deal.

But then she delivered on her threat.  My person got herself a stinking puppy.  And this beast stinks, I mean, she smells like a DOG.  I don't care that she's sweet and constantly asking to snuggle up to one of us cats.  I don't care that she's been an angel, and when she looks at you with her blue eyes, your heart starts to melt a little.  I mean, who's ever heard of a dog with blue eyes, anyway?  So she's kind of silver-gray and brown a little like me.  Who cares?  She's a dog, and I don't want her here.  I try to ignore her, but people keep shoving her in my face.  My person insists on snuggling her ALL THE TIME.  What does it take to get service and love around here anymore?  Seriously, this place has gone to the dogs.  Literally.  It's just not right.