So Glad this Wasn't Me

[Gah!  The yetis are back!]

Ruru the Cat here.  I was gonna whine all about how the yetis were back all week.  In fact, there are two still there, but I know the others are coming back, all kazillion of them.  They did before.  Why wouldn't they come again, barking and barking and barking and barking?  They're terrifying.  At least they're outside while I'm in here. 

[The faces of the victims of a horrible place called "The Vet."]

Anyway, so I WAS gonna write all about that, but Sylvie, both dogs, and the snake insisted they waited long enough.  They had to speak out against horrible and offensive place they were all taken recently, first the dogs, then the snake, and then that horrible beast of a cat, Sylvie.  In the case of the dogs, it sounds like they were poked and prodded, and Snow the dog had teeth yanked out of her head.  *Shudder.*  Almost worse, Sylvie was knocked out in such a place, and when she woke up, her belly had been shaven, and her guts taken out.  She was all sewn up again.  The snake was just hauled in, poked and prodded, and then came back whiny.  What kind of a terrible place does this kind of thing? 

[My face whenever I think they'll ever take me there.] 

Well, on the bright side, at least it wasn't me.  I think I went to a place like that when I was really little, but I haven't been back since.  I'd deal with a dozen yetis before I got ripped open and had organs removed or been stabbed or whatever.  Seriously.  Whose bright idea is a torture chamber for pets?  Humans are twisted. 

Game of Trees

[Behold, my beloved Jungle Gym]

Ruru the Cat here.  Every year, I look forward to the opportunity to run in and out and up and down my favorite jungle gym, the big, green, tree-shaped thing that smells nothing like a tree but is covered in happy, shiny baubles I can kill.  They call it a Christmas tree, but that's a meaningless phrase.  It's not a tree, and what the flip is something called Christmas to a cat?  Well, this year, I've scarcely gotten to climb in my beloved jungle gym at all.  Everyone else seems to beat me to it.  

[Even Toothless, my beloved or at least tolerated, brother gets into the game]

Every time I go to kill me some ornaments, some other cat is already doing it.  It's just not fair.  Worst of all, that monster in the basement, Sylvie, gets into the game.  In fact, she's laid claim to not just downstairs but also upstairs.  She sits triumphantly on "Queen Maya's" throne, the table, lording over that tree, climbing in the tree, doing whatever she wants to MY JUNGLE GYM.  If anyone tries to step on that table or touch that tree when she's  out of her room, she challenges them with her loud yowl, threatening us all.  She'll brawl with whoever it is if they don't bow.  Even Maya backs off, and she never backs off to me.  What kind of beast did my people bring in here?  It's my house!  I was here first!  Okay, first if you disregard Maya, which I'd much prefer to do.  All I can do is hide in a corner and stare with longing at my beautiful jungle gym.  It's just not fair.  I'm supposed to rule the house, not Maya, and certainly not Sylvie.  Anytime I ask Cass what she thinks, she hisses and cowers.  Maybe it's because any time I look at her, I'm usually trying to kill her.  She's scared of her own shadow.  Seriously, cats, why can't you be more like Cass?  Don't you see how I'm the victim here?  My house.  My jungle gym.  Mine.  

Yeti Infestation!

Yetis are back in my backyard again!

Ruru the Cat here.  I don't know if you can see them through that window, but I can see them.  And hear them.  And hear them.  And hear them some more.  They're LOUD.  And TERRIFYING!  The person holding me up to look at them was practically shredded so I could run away from those monsters.  There are hundreds of those monsters, each at least six feet tall?  Oh, hush, Toothless.  There are, too.  Okay, so Toothless wants me to say there are only seven of them about 2-3 feet each, but I'd swear I'm right. The little ones may not be so big, but the full grown ones are HUGE. 

[The yetis coming right at my back door.]

This is what they'd look like if that door weren't protecting me from their giant teeth. You see how big they are, right?  They're GIANTS!  And they're EVERYWHERE!!  They came out of nowhere, just appearing in my backyard.  It almost seemed like they brought the snow with them or that the snow produced them because they appeared the very day all that snow showed up.  And a few days later, they're still HERE!  Are they gonna be here forever?  

[Yetis!  All over!]

They're everywhere!  I keep having nightmares that they're gonna break into my house and eat me.  And they're always running and romping and acting like crazy monsters all raring to eat a poor, innocent cat like me.  They come right out of the snow, like they're made of snow.  They're definitely abominable snow monstrosities.  

[The only way I find them sort of tolerablish.]

The only way I like them is like this, all caged up.  But they're only like that at night.  The rest of the time, they're running free.  Please protect me from them.  There has to be a way to get rid of our yeti infestation.  Know any professional yeti exterminators?  No?  Dangit.  I guess I'm stuck with them.  

Fuzzy, Parasitic Worms

[Invader in my turf.  The name on the box next to me sums up my feeling on the matter.]

Ruru the Cat here.  I was gonna tell you all about how that monster, Sylvie or whatever her name is, was actually let out of that room to haunt the halls of my house.  Seriously.  You'd think my people would  know better.  Like I said, we have too many cats already.  By too many, I mean more than me.  Possibly Toothless.  But the rest are redundant.  I'm all anyone needs.  Anyway, I was gonna tell you all about that monster haunting my halls when the craziest thing happened. 

[The first worm that lived with the new dog in the background seeming to want this thing.]

Remember that annoying little lint-looking dog I mentioned a while ago?  That new one that replaced Twixie?  Well, I'm not sure how, but she actually popped some kind of parasitic worms out of her body.  I'm not sure what they are, but they look creepy and make a lot of noise.  They smelled like blood at first but now smell pretty clean. 

[The parasitic worm sucks.]

And they're sucking on the dog RIGHT now, and she doesn't seem to mind.  I don't get it.  If I had these big, parasitic worms sucking on me, I'd flip out.  It just seems so nasty and unhealthy. 

[The second parasitic worm.  Keep it away from me.]

Everyone seems to be fussing about them and cooing at them as if they weren't nasty, little parasites.  I've heard the word "puppies" used, but these can't be puppies.  They're more the size of a smallish rat.  They don't bark in any doggish way but squeal like a pig if you pull them away from that dog.  Don't they have medication for this sort of thing?  I hope I don't end up with parasitic worms like those.  *Shudder.*  I think I'll go slink off and beat on Sylvie, just to remind myself I'm thankful to be a cat. 

Too many Cats

[Proof my person is cheating on me with a strange cat.]

Ruru the Cat here.  I hear a portal opened up over the neighbor's house, the same one that the beast in the basement came from.  They have MORE CATS over there.  Strangers.  And my people, especially my person, keeps hanging out with them and playing with them and touching those cats.  She comes back smelling of them.  But she's MY PERSON.  Not theirs.  Apparently, the people over there, my person's cousins, found these cats abandoned, tossed in their carrier, maybe by accident and maybe by intent, by the side of the freeway.  Yeah, yeah, it's a sad thing for cats to be treated like this.  It's great they found a home.  Just not here.  'Cuz it's MINE.  It's hard enough for me to have everyone worship me with as many fluffy butts as we already have around here begging for attention.

[The only one who deserves attention--but not in this way.  Dumb costume.]

This is my house.  I don't want to share it with the cats we already have.  Maya claims the house as her own and picks on me whenever I try to act like it's mine.  Toothless laughs when I tell him my frustrations.  He gets along with everyone and doesn't see why I don't.  Only Cass bows before me and hides from my wrath.  I should be the queen around here, not Maya.  Still, I'm stuck with this pecking order, right in the middle, which is not where a queen belongs.  I don't know how the monster in the basement is going to shake all of this up.  But we certainly don't need to add anymore cats to complicate it.  It's my house.  Why won't anyone remember that?

Kersploosh! Oopsie

[The one who is not guilty.]

Ruru the Cat here.  It wasn't me.  No one saw me do it, so I didn't do it.  But let me tell you it was pretty funny when it happened to...um...someone who wasn't me.  So it was in the middle of the night.  Everyone but we cats were snoring away, being boring.  I was trying to be good, finding a place for some privacy.  When I found that dumb invader, Cass, in my spot under the sink.  It's my spot.  You'd think she could smell me under there 'cuz I mark it all the time. 

[How it would have felt...if I was there.  Source.]

Anyway, so what happened next was all HER fault.  She chose my spot that smelled like ME.  I had to beat on her a little to remind her who's boss.  'Cuz it's my spot, not hers.  Then...um...someone knocked out the hose thingy from under the sink.  It wasn't me.  I swear it.  Then, the water sprayed everywhere, drenching...someone who wasn't me.  Oh, and soaking the floor and the drawers under the sink, soaking through the floor and invading our space downstairs, into the litter boxes, all over the soft spots to sleep on, you know, everywhere.  So like I said, it wasn't me, but it was a serious mess.  My people are still cleaning up after whoever it was.  It just wasn't me.  

The Monster in the Basement

[The scary monster.]

Ruru the Cat here.  Just when I think my people can't stoop any lower, they go and do this.  They brought ANOTHER cat into MY house.  It's my house.  I did not give them permission. It's my house, not yours.  I own it.  I claimed it, so it's mine.  And you, traitors, let another cat in here.  What, aren't four cats wayyyy too many cats already because all you need is me?

[How I feel when there are no strangers in my house--comfy and happy.]

I keep hearing that monster meow down there, every time MY people get anywhere near that room it's in.  Then, they actually go in there and pet it, coming out smelling just like the monster (which is is NOT welcome in my house).  It sounds small, like I could shred it with my claws tied behind my back.  Not that I would because I keep fantasizing about shredding it, and it would be hard to shred it with my claws tied anywhere.

[Me, the forlorn kitty in from the cold the cold.]

Here's a note it sent out under the door:

Silvy: I was hungry and feeling really heavy with babies growing inside.  My mommy died when I was very little, and then I was on my own.  I had to figure out how to hunt scrawny little mice, but I'm not very good at it.  Mom died too early to teach me much about hunting.  But I did okay.  I survived, anyway.  Then, it got cold really fast.  I was having a hard time finding food.  Then, the big male found me.  I was sure I was going to die.  Instead, well, I'm now big, heavy, and have babies growing inside.  And I couldn't find enough food for all of us.  I remember that a few times, I survived by eating food humans put out for me.  So I sought out humans. 

[Scary, mean dogs.]

And they fed me meat.  It gave me hope I may survive.  Except then, they dragged me into their scary house.  I'd never been in a person's house before.  It was terrifying.  I tried to jump back out, but they'd closed the door.  Then, they stuck me in a box and dragged me to another house that smelled like lots of cats and mean dogs.  I thought I was going to die, surrounded like I was in predators.  I hid in a tiny space under the desk, but then I was too big to get out.  I'm just not used to being so big.  But then, the people kept giving me food and love, and I've decided I really like this love stuff.  I just can't get enough of people.  I want them to stay down here and love me.  If only they'd just stay instead of going back to the other cats and scary dogs. 

[Don't let the thing through the door.]

Not on you life, sister.  They're my people, not yours.  My house.  Get thee hence.