How to Survive Toddlergeddon!

[The hairball doesn't understand.]    

Ru: Ruru the Cat here.  You know the scariest thing about the descent of Toddlergeddon on my nice, quiet house?  The toddlers get BIGGER.  Second scariest is that it happens without warning or sign.  Poof, there they are, running through, throwing stuff everywhere, mixing cat food and water, filling the cat water with dish soap, and chasing us down.  Poor Toothless was cornered upstairs, trying to squeeze in the inch under the door to get in my person's room with Phoenix, Wren, and Paige.  They hid out because it was the safest place to be, other than where I hid in the adult people's room.  Everybody else huddled downstairs, hoping the storm would blow by soon.  

[Run, dumb floof.  Oh, too late.]

Except the dumb little gray hairball.  She didn't know any better, didn't get she needed to flee while she had a chance.  And those toddlers, even the big one that's almost half the size of a human hauled her around EVERYWHERE.  The little one kept wanting to squeeze her like a mouse, reminding the rest of us why we were hiding.  You may as well hear about the pain and suffering from the annoying little hairball. 

[They brought toddlers AND Beanie's obnoxious sister that I thought was gone for good.]

Varya: Hi. I'm Varya or Wolf or Kitten. Not sure. I'm a vicious monster who's scary and can kill anybody.  Ru, why are you laughing?  I am.  I'm big and mean and scary. 

[I miss my sisters.]

I came from my mommy to my new house with my sisters.  I showed everyone how big and mean and scary I was by standing up on the tallest thing I could find and growling at everyone.  Are you laughing again, Ru?  Anyway, so my sisters and me, we played and played and played until they disappeared.  I was sad and lonely.  I'm not sure where they went or if they're coming back. 

[He's the first to be my buddy here.]

Now, I gotta try to make friends here. The little doggie likes me.  He plays with me sometimes. I finally made friends with the big gray one with stripes.  Wren or murder floof.  Not sure what his name is, but he's my best friend. Everybody else thinks I'm okay, but the people love me.  They pet me, and I purr and purr and scream to leave and then chew through anyone when I smell food.  I'm lovable and great.  Ru, stop laughing.  

[The toddlers have gotten bigger and scarier.]

Ru, what were those big things that attacked my house?  I don't get what just happened. 

Ru: We call them toddlers.  We don't really know what they are except monsters.  Did you see the rest of us the whole time they were here?  I mean, besides the traitor, Maya? 

Varya: Well, no.

 

[Toddlers come in a stunning array of shapes and sizes--worse yet, I hear a new one is coming.]

Ru: Exactly.  You'll figure it out.  

Varya: Anyway, those toddler monsters showed up and hauled me around and held me too tight and petted me and wouldn't give me to the nice people who wouldn't squeeze me.  It was scary.  But then, they were gone, and it was okay.  

[I don't like being wet!]

Then, just when it was me and the nice people, they put me in a big white tub thing and sprayed me with water and smelly stuff, and I was wet and cold.  They snuggled me and blew at me with a machine thing. It was scary.  But now, everything is peaceful and happy.  Ru, this is my story. Stop laughing at these scary things. I mean it, or else I'll be mean to you. 

Ru:  HAHAHAHA!  Wow, that's funny.  Little hairball thinks she's so big and scary but can't even avoid toddlers or a bath.  That's pretty hilarious.  Little one, I've killed mice bigger than you. 

[The mixed bag that is Christmas.]

This Christmas stuff is such a weird mixed bag.  They bring out our awesome jungle gym with dangly stuff to play with and soft paper to shred.  They give us yummy-smelling catnip toys with feathers and new snacks but then bring home baby kittens and toddlers.  Not sure if I like it or not.  

Forgot One

 

[Look at this kitten, stealing my attention.  Good riddance.]

Ruru the Cat here!  Woohoo!  Earlier this week, my people disappeared with one of those annoying kittens, and the kitten didn't return!  Poof, like magic!  I was so excited.  It looked like my kitten but sure didn't smell like her.  I was delighted to see one disappear.  One down, three to go.  Merry Christmas to me. 

[Goodbye, plagues to my existence.]

Then, a couple of days ago, my people disappeared with two of the annoying kittens in a box.  I held my breath the whole time, except when I was napping.  And guess what!  They came back without the little tan one or the dark gray one!  I could have thrown a party.  It was AMAZING!  Wish granted!  I'm so looking forward to having my quiet life with just seven cats, the ones that know how to respect me.  By that, I mean fear me.  'Cuz that's how I like it.  I may be small, but the smart cats (read: NOT Maya.  Or kittens.) don't mess with me. 

[They missed one. Maybe they confused the two gray ones and didn't realize they both needed to go away.]

I'm waiting for them to figure out they still have one here.  Come on, people.  You have me.  You definitely don't need the other six.  And you definitely DEFINITELY don't need another little annoying furball.  But I watch the adult male human goo over this little beast like he hasn't over ANY kittens.  Calls her his little wolf.  He's tried with other kittens, but this one actually melts in his hands.  And she follows around the human adult female, the one I've claimed when my real person is upstairs.  And that human female also melts for this little patch of fur.  And even the human juvenile male likes her.  

[Note there are two kittens in this pic, and they both need to go because they're sucking up my attention and my lap.]

Worst of all, my person loves her, too. She already has three big kittens, mine and the two I hate, all claiming what used to be my room and my human.  They do NOT need another little fuzzling in there, growing up to take over.  Please tell me all these other cats are wasting their time, embracing her, especially Wren.  Please tell me my people are not going to be letting this beast stay without my permission.  Seriously.  

How to Get Rid of Your Enemies

[How to get rid of your enemy--I have a plan.]

Ruru the Cat here.  Anyone want one grumpy, old cat?  I'd really like to get rid of her.  Not kidding. She chases me around and hisses. 

[When your pet peeve hisses at your pettier peeve.] 

And it's not just her I'd like to get rid of.  I've been competing all week with those dang fluff balls.  Just smelling them makes me grumpy.  They take my food, my dog water, my hands for love.  The very air I breathe and even my cat tree are heavy with kitten smells.  I just don't get the appeal.  

[My archenemy.  I'm Ruru the Cat, and I approve that sticker.]

However, there were a few highlights.  Like when the big human male put the 90% off sticker on Maya.  For one beautiful moment, I was sure we were getting rid of her.  Then, he laughed and took it off.  Dangit.  I'd make her 100% off and pay four kittens to get rid of her.  

[Sad, sorry rats in the tub.]

Also, it was great fun to watch the kittens get it in the bathtub.  They shrunk from big poofs to little rats.  I could have fallen off my perch, laughing.

[See?  Even the big, poofy Dodger becomes a twig.]

Better still, the dogs got it next.  It was also great fun to watch the poofy dogs become scrawny twigs with eyeballs, too.  Man, that was almost the best moment of my week.  

[And the kittens came back. Dang.]

The true best moment, though, was twice when my people hauled the kittens out of the house.  Twice, I was sure they were gone forever.  But twice, those dumb kittens showed up again, all four, screaming and killing and smelling up my house.  Dangit.  Why do the people around here keep getting my hopes up only to throw them out the window?  People.  They're almost as bad as dogs.  And kittens.  

Now, It's Getting Ridiculous

[Hiding over here.]

Ruru the Cat here.  Seriously.  I was looking forward to a quiet time with all my people around to give me attention and love.  Remember that I'm the only cat that matters, so I figured when my people take this big break they keep talking about, I'd get all the love I could handle.  

[Watch Wren hiss.]

Well, crap.  Now, my people have brought home ANOTHER batch of annoying kittens.  It's hard to believe.  Even Wren and Phoenix, the kittens of the house, are crazy annoyed and frustrated.  

[Nope]

Old lady Maya was the first to hiss at them, though I wasn't far behind.  I just don't get where my people are finding this kitten portal.  It's not like we have any cats that can even produce kittens.  They'll just disappear for a few minutes, and suddenly, kazing, they've got more annoying furballs.  

[A new set of furballs dominating over my house and my people.]

And these ones are bigger hairballs than most, covered in wayyyy too much fur.  It's hard to see the cat under all that fur.  I'm seriously done with this joke.  These humans better get rid of those kittens fast, or I'm getting rid of the humans, so I can have my house to myself.  That's how it works, right? 

Jungle Gym! Mine!

[Someone got to my tree and baubles first.]

Ruru the Cat here.  I came out of my super-secret private room (yeah, the adult humans call it their bedroom, but I know the truth.)  And there, almost up to the ceiling, was a brand new, fresh jungle gym.  To you, it looks like a tree.  Pine, maybe. But it smells like plastic.  And by the time I got into it, it already smelled like cat.  Dude AND Chonk, which means they beat me to it, dangit. I could tell SOMEONE had beat me to it because there were bits and baubles from it thrown EVERYWHERE. 

 

[Me in MY jungle gym] 

But when I came out of my room, it was empty. Well, except the shiny, dangly baubles that are clearly meant to be cat toys.  Anything that exciting and shiny and dangly can ONLY be a cat toy.  So I climbed up inside, and it felt like home.  There was no evil Silvy or Cass, the cats that claimed it a couple of years ago.  Especially that mean, old Silvy who wouldn't let any of us touch it.  I climbed straight up those branches and happily batted at EVERYTHING. It was AMAZING. 

[The competition chases me out, in spite of my best growling.

For about five minutes.  Then, the dorsal tails of my competition moved in.  I didn't even see them before I smelled them because I was so happy with my beautiful jungle gym.  Those two new kittens came closer and closer.  I growled to try to keep them away, but they wouldn't be stopped.  And they're a little scary, especially in pairs. And they're almost always in pairs.  

[Back to my tree.  Grr.]

I finally had to flee to my cat tree, the one that already smells like me.  I feel safe there, protected because Maya and Dude, the two scariest cats in the house, leave it alone.  They don't even try to get up there.  The kittens will hop up there whenever they feel like it and even sometimes chase me down.  But mostly, I can protect my turf.  Because it's safely mine.  

[Don't they know it's mine?]

And, of course, they sniffed my beautiful jungle gym, and the bigger, stripy brat, Wren, even explored it a bit.  Now, I have to wait 'til none of the other seven lurk there.  And even then, I will hesitate to go there because all cats in the house have already marked it as their own.  It's just not fair.  'Cuz it's MY jungle gym.  The people clearly set it up just for me.  'Cuz it's mine.  No touchie.  

Tunnel Vision

[The old tunnel-not my thing.]

Ruru the Cat here.  So we had this tunnel for a while that was super popular around here, with cats fighting over it and through it and bouncing in and out of it.  I really don't get the charm because I have my tree.  Others fight me for my cat tree, but it's really mine.  I have to sometimes remind upstarts like Wren or Phoenix that it's my spot, but it really is.  I will beat anyone that thinks otherwise.  

[Not my thing.]

But the original, white one disappeared.  Now, we have this bigger one with three sides, and the humans had to put catnip in it to get cats to start playing with it.  If anything, it's even less interesting than the other one.  The other cats do play with it, but that's their problem.  I'd much rather sit on my tree because it gives me a chance to smell those turkey smells from the oven with no interference.  The one thing that did make it interesting, a dangly thing, at one end got yanked off, hauled away, and killed.  I just don't get the charm.  

[Finally. Something worth leaving this perch for.]

But I've heard rumors of something better still coming next week, my jungle gym, that green, tree-looking thing that shows up once a year.  It gets dangly baubles on it we can kill.  It gets paper-covered stuff under it we can shred. That's the stuff I look forward to.  I'd even leave my cat tree for it.  Those kittens better not get to it first.  It's mine.  

All Hail the "Great" Hunter

[Wren's oh-so-glorious mouse and how little I think of it.]

Ru the Cat here.  So a certain lame puffball who likes to call himself a cat has become insufferable.  He's been bragging non-stop since he actually caught his first mouse.  Seriously.  I've been mousing since long before he was born. 

Wren: That just makes you old.  Yes, I did catch a mouse. Not just one but TWO, mice, two nights in a row 'cuz I'm amazing like that.  

[Yeah, it was dead before he stole it.  So heroic.]

Ru: Uh huh.  You didn't mention the first time you "caught" a mouse.  My kitten, Paige, caught the tiny thing first and put it in a dish. Then you stole it, chewed on it, and lost it. It was still alive. 

Wren: To be fair, I didn't know it was real.  Had to test it. 

Ru: Yeah, right. Well, what about the time you stole the dead mouse from Dude just to show that you were such a great mouser?  

Wren: I AM such a great mouser.  Two in a row.  So there.  

[Look at that boy, so proud of his catch.]

Ru: And then, you "caught" that one mouse. 

Wren: I didn't take that one from another cat, so I caught it fair and square. 

[And here's the rest of the story.]

Ru: Yeah. But it had already been caught. By a mousetrap. Such a genius hunter. So smooth. HAHAHA!

Wren: I don't see you catching mice. 

[My second kitten, showing how mousing is done.  I claimed her, but I did NOT claim Wren.]

Ru: That's because I catch them before you notice me.  That's how good I am. I caught that one just to prove it could be done.  Heck, even Little One-Eyed Wonder with her goofy nose that can't smell right caught one before you did  HA! 

Wren:  Two.  In a row. 

Ru:  Which Dude then stole from you.  'Cuz you stole his. Karma's not your friend. And don't get me started on the one you threw on that person, who then had to take care of it for you.  

[A dead mouse can outsmart Wren.]

Wren: Shut up.  My enthusiasm got the better of me. 

Ru: So did the mice. And the real hunters around you.  Maybe I should let you stick around here.  I can always use a good laugh.  

Scary Smells

[Me]

Phoenix: Hi. I'm not Ru. Ru the Cat is lots and lots bigger than me. And she's kinda scary 'cuz she's sometimes mean.  She said I could talk her 'cuz she said "don't wanna." This week, a scary thing happened. My people put me in a box that smelled like dogs then into a bigger, louder, smellier box. I didn't understand. My person tried to hold me, but the smaller box felt safer.  

[Fine. Wake me up.]

Ru here.  Fine.  Make me write. Yeah, you should be scared. I'm bigger and meaner and gonna stay that way. You just stay small so at least someone stays smaller than me. What she means is she was put in one of the dog carriers and put in a car.  Yeah, that sucks.  Hate it when that happens.  Feel all sorts of betrayed. It's all because humans don't get we cats rule the world. Okay, squirt, go for it. 

[Big, scary building-source]

Phoenix:  Then, they took me into a bigger, scarier, smeller building, kind of like my house but scary.  They poked something into me, and I went to sleep. When I woke up, I was groggy and didn't feel very good.  But there were smells and sounds that made me growl 'cuz it was so scary.  

[This is not a happy face.]

Ru: Yeah, I'm sure those animals at the vet were terrified of your sad, sorry little growl. We all go through that. We go to sleep feeling fine, like we're whole and everything and wake up missing some part of us, like we're broken.  I don't get how they call that "getting fixed."  We were FINE before. We weren't broken at all.  What are they fixing, anyway?  Humans are weird. 

[I'd rather be drenched and at home than suffer this again]

Phoenix:  I was just so happy to see my person's daddy.  Then, I was excited to go into that little smelly box and the big, smelly, loud box with wheels 'cuz it meant I was one step closer to home.  I came out, and there were my people, waiting for me. My person. And she held me, and nothing else mattered. I was so happy to be home. 

Ru: My person. She was mine first.  I guess it's okay you're back. Our person was so sad without you.  I guess you can stay. But only if you stay smaller than me.  

Chest Burster

[Good riddance, annoying little beasties.]

 Ruru the Cat here.  I was going to tell you all about how wonderful it is to have my house to myself again.  Sort of.  Anyway, the kittens are gone. The people packed them up and hauled them off.  Said something about another foster home, whatever that means.  Dunno where, but it's much quieter around here, which is all that's important.  There are still seven of us, WAAAY too many cats when I'm all the awesomeness you need. And with me around, I don't see the point of the dogs.  So I was set to tell you about how nice upon the ears and the nose that those kittens are gone, but Beanie insists that he has to tell you about something he did.  As if that could possibly be more important than what I have to say.  Anyway, he won't leave me alone until I let him have it, so here he is.  Try not to die of boredom. 

[This is me!]

Hi hi hi!  I'm Bean!  Also called Beanie or Mr. Bean or Beanie Boo or I forget what, but I'm an amazing Pomeranian! Everyone should be a Pomeranian like me, 'cuz it's amazing!  I jump all over the place with all my energy and play with my doggie mama and my buddy, Wren the kitten, and my person and all the people who will play with me! My favorite spot in the world is my person mommy's shoulder.  

[Good grief. I'm secretly rolling my eyes.]

Ru: Yes, we got all that, though no one really wants to be a dog, let alone a lint-on-a-leash hairball like you. What were you so excited to talk about RIGHT NOW that you had to steal my blog? And can you cool it with the exclamation points?

[Me, figuring out this Halloween stuff!]

Bean: Right!  Everybody wants to hear about my Halloween adventure!  When my person mommy puts on her shoes, I know she's gonna take me on a walk, every time!  Except she doesn't!  Sometimes, she makes me stay home!  And I am so SAD!  This time, I jumped on her shoulder, and she forgot to take me off!  So she let me come!  We drove up a little ways to houses, my person, her mate, and her human boy. They joined my favorite neighbors, so I got all excited and jumped all over them! Everybody was wearing weird stuff, like weird hats and coverings for their body that I've never seen before!  

[I can smell him. There's a human under that plastic mask.]

Ru: Those are called Halloween costumes, and everybody kept saying how they were going trick-or-treating, whatever that meant.  None of it makes any sense to me, but I did hear about them. 

[Watch me burst out of Mommy's jacket.]

Bean: Best of all, my person took me everywhere!  It was amazing!  I got to ride in my person's jacket!  I got to meet some people who petted me and didn't steal me away from my person or anything! And they took us to this place with lots of people and gave me bits of meat.  It was GREAT!

[Nothing scary or interesting about Halloween or Halloween cats. Except Maya. She's terrifying.]

Ru: So you burst out of her chest and ate meat.  Okay, that part sounds okay.  It's the rest of it, like going outside, that wouldn't work for me.  And people. Especially people.  I don't understand the appeal of this dumb holiday. I mean, I hear it glorifies black cats. I get stuck with black cats all day, every day. There's nothing special about them because they're not me.  Then again, I don't understand the appeal of dogs, either, so I guess that mess called Halloween and dogs belong together. 

The Evil Thing

[Nature's meanest prank: kittens.]

 Ruru the Cat here. My people think they're so very funny. They're all pranksters. Like I told you, the human mom brought home a pile of mewling, obnoxious kittens to chase us all around and ask if we're mommy, even the grumpy dog, Dodger. Okay, so that's the funny part. They'll flock him when the human mom around here is not available and try to nurse. Or they'll chase around growly, hissy, old Maya. That, too, is funny. But when they do it to me, it stops being funny. I told you all about that last week. AND they're still HERE. Seriously. Enough of that prank is enough.  

[A slice of heaven from that sandwich. Source]

Well, the human dad around here is also a prankster as it turns out. I was the first to stand by him to inform him that I wanted to generously and kindly help him eat his sandwich. It just looked like way too much for one human to eat, especially the meat. While all the other dogs and cats stood by in envy, he offered me a bit of turkey then a bit of ham. I wolfed those down and imagined the glories that were to come. Next, he gave me a piece of bread. Now, I'm a big fan of bread. I've torn through bags to get to it. I knew the meat and bread were bound to lead to delectable cheese and whatever else was on that sandwich. 

[The foul, nasty vegetable thing that was creeping around that slice of heaven. Someone called it an onion, but it looks like the devil's claw.]

How is this a prank, you ask? Well, next, instead of cheese, came a weird bit of smelliness. I bit into it, expecting it to be something yummy. But the odors and flavors that came off that thing will scar me forevermore.  I don't even know what it is, but it is the foulest thing my tongue ever touched. Not funny, people. Not funny. It was pretty good when the dog, Bean, got it next, and he spat it out. This dumb dog eats GARBAGE, and he rejected this thing. His breath smelled for hours after. But, really, humans, enough of these pranks. No more kittens. No more nasty food.