How to Survive Toddlergeddon!

[The hairball doesn't understand.]    

Ru: Ruru the Cat here.  You know the scariest thing about the descent of Toddlergeddon on my nice, quiet house?  The toddlers get BIGGER.  Second scariest is that it happens without warning or sign.  Poof, there they are, running through, throwing stuff everywhere, mixing cat food and water, filling the cat water with dish soap, and chasing us down.  Poor Toothless was cornered upstairs, trying to squeeze in the inch under the door to get in my person's room with Phoenix, Wren, and Paige.  They hid out because it was the safest place to be, other than where I hid in the adult people's room.  Everybody else huddled downstairs, hoping the storm would blow by soon.  

[Run, dumb floof.  Oh, too late.]

Except the dumb little gray hairball.  She didn't know any better, didn't get she needed to flee while she had a chance.  And those toddlers, even the big one that's almost half the size of a human hauled her around EVERYWHERE.  The little one kept wanting to squeeze her like a mouse, reminding the rest of us why we were hiding.  You may as well hear about the pain and suffering from the annoying little hairball. 

[They brought toddlers AND Beanie's obnoxious sister that I thought was gone for good.]

Varya: Hi. I'm Varya or Wolf or Kitten. Not sure. I'm a vicious monster who's scary and can kill anybody.  Ru, why are you laughing?  I am.  I'm big and mean and scary. 

[I miss my sisters.]

I came from my mommy to my new house with my sisters.  I showed everyone how big and mean and scary I was by standing up on the tallest thing I could find and growling at everyone.  Are you laughing again, Ru?  Anyway, so my sisters and me, we played and played and played until they disappeared.  I was sad and lonely.  I'm not sure where they went or if they're coming back. 

[He's the first to be my buddy here.]

Now, I gotta try to make friends here. The little doggie likes me.  He plays with me sometimes. I finally made friends with the big gray one with stripes.  Wren or murder floof.  Not sure what his name is, but he's my best friend. Everybody else thinks I'm okay, but the people love me.  They pet me, and I purr and purr and scream to leave and then chew through anyone when I smell food.  I'm lovable and great.  Ru, stop laughing.  

[The toddlers have gotten bigger and scarier.]

Ru, what were those big things that attacked my house?  I don't get what just happened. 

Ru: We call them toddlers.  We don't really know what they are except monsters.  Did you see the rest of us the whole time they were here?  I mean, besides the traitor, Maya? 

Varya: Well, no.

 

[Toddlers come in a stunning array of shapes and sizes--worse yet, I hear a new one is coming.]

Ru: Exactly.  You'll figure it out.  

Varya: Anyway, those toddler monsters showed up and hauled me around and held me too tight and petted me and wouldn't give me to the nice people who wouldn't squeeze me.  It was scary.  But then, they were gone, and it was okay.  

[I don't like being wet!]

Then, just when it was me and the nice people, they put me in a big white tub thing and sprayed me with water and smelly stuff, and I was wet and cold.  They snuggled me and blew at me with a machine thing. It was scary.  But now, everything is peaceful and happy.  Ru, this is my story. Stop laughing at these scary things. I mean it, or else I'll be mean to you. 

Ru:  HAHAHAHA!  Wow, that's funny.  Little hairball thinks she's so big and scary but can't even avoid toddlers or a bath.  That's pretty hilarious.  Little one, I've killed mice bigger than you. 

[The mixed bag that is Christmas.]

This Christmas stuff is such a weird mixed bag.  They bring out our awesome jungle gym with dangly stuff to play with and soft paper to shred.  They give us yummy-smelling catnip toys with feathers and new snacks but then bring home baby kittens and toddlers.  Not sure if I like it or not.