Surveying the Troops

[The monster crept into my house, overshadowing everything.]

Ru: 

Ruru the Cat here.   Like I said in my last blog—last night –I explained what a horrid nightmare was this kitten, Wren.  He steals my dog food.  Yeah, I know, who doesn't?  He steals my spot at the top of the cat tree.  My tree.  I'm the star on this tree.  It feels like we have 20 of him because he's EVERYWHERE killing everything, toes, tails, toys, rubber bands, cords, my sofa, my people, my space, my life.  For such a tiny little thing, the space he takes up is HUGE.  Okay, guys, how much do you loathe the new kitten?  A bunch or a lot?  I want an honest and scientific survey here.  

[Kitten? What kitten?]

Python:  

Kitten?  What'sss a kitten?  I haven't ssseen one. I may have sssmelled it, but I can't be sssure.  I wonder how they tasste. 

Beardie: 

If a kitten's a kind of cricket, sign me up.  If it's a cat like you, nope.  One dumped my cage and nearly killed me.  

[Just nope.]

Gecko: 

I do not care for cats of any size or breed.  One tipped my cage, so I was compelled to hunt my own sustenance while lurking around my house for six months.  And they assassinated my companion.  Cats are not my allies, so depart. 

Ru: 

Well, that's three votes for no kittens. 

Gecko: 

Or cats. 

Ru: 

Who asked you? 

Gecko: 

You did. 

Ru: 

Okay, everyone whose vote matters 'cuz you have fur and four legs, how much does it stink to have a kitten in the house?  

[My new friend!]

Bean: 

Wow oh wow!  He's amazing!  I love kittens!  They're so amazing and so fun!  And he was scared of me at first, but now, he loves me!  I want 20 kittens just like him!  

Ru: 

Seriously?  20?  One already feels like 20.  You're making me look bad.  And what did I tell you about exclamation points? Other dogs, tell me it bugs you they steal your food.  

[Kitten standing in a line to steal dog food, while the dogs don't even notice.]

Dodger: 

Wait.  Someone's stealing my food?  

Ru: 

Yes.  We all do.  All the time.  We all know you're well-behaved furniture whose sole function is to make the food available for us. 

[I love you.]

Dodger: 

Ru said I'm well behaved.  I'm a good boy! 

Snow: 

Wren's sweet, like a little puppy.  I want to cuddle him.  

Ru: 

Well, so much for the lint-on-a-leash vote.  Way to let the reptiles show you up.  Someone here hates the kitten.  I know it.   

[Poor page..scared of everyone, including the little kitten.]

Chunk: 

Wren's okay.  He kinda scares Paige, but he doesn't bother me. 

Paige: 

kitten!  ahhh!  he's gonna kill me!

Ru: 

Everything scares Paige.  Come on, Dude, don't fail me.  

[Meet my new best friend.]

Dude: 

Bean's right.  Wren's so much fun.  I know we're going to be best friends once he gets big enough we can brawl.  Now, I like to chase him.  See, Ru, not everybody's you.  

Maya: 

I can't stand him.  Wherever I want to sit, there he is.  I'm too old for this.  

Ru: 

You have a point.  For once.  But you're too old for everything, and nobody likes you, anyway.  Guys, what's the deal?  He's obnoxious.  He's loud.  He doesn't hold still. You get it, right?  

[Hey, look, he's holding still.  Don't get used to it.]

Wren: 

Will you be my friend? 

Ru: 

That's it.  I'm leaving.  

Wren: 

Dibs on your spot!  And the dog food!

Ru: 

ARGH!

The Worst

[Can you think of any face more terrifying?]

Ruru the Cat here.  They've done it now.  I didn't think they could sink any lower, but the worst has come.  And the worst's name is Wren.  And he's a....I can't even say it.  It's too nightmarish, too cruel, too horrible.  I just can't believe it.  I may as well just say it.  My people brought home a KITTEN. I hear you cry, "NO!  Who could be so terrible!"  And you'd be right.  

[My kitten isn't so bad.]

Some may say, "But your people brought home two kittens last year."  They really hate us don't they?  Then, you say that we survived last time.  But you don't understand.  There were two of them.  They kept each other busy.  And I liked the littler one because I would hiss, and she'd just blink at me.  She wasn't scary.  

[Look at those wild eyes, attacking everything.j 

Well, this new one is the very devil.  He's all over the house and back.  He won't stop running, like there's a fire chasing him.  And he tries to kill EVERYTHING.  When I described the horror that is a kitten, this was the very monster I was describing.  I just can't.  I can't.  It's horrible, terrible.  I'll let the others tell you tomorrow what a horror, a nightmare we've been through this last week.  I couldn't even bring myself to write when I usually do because the thing attacks everything, including cats and computers and especially cats on computers.  Can you think of anything worse than a kitten?  Yeah, I didn't think so.  

Not HER! No Way!

 

[We are not amused.]

Ru: Ruru the Cat here.  No.  I just can't.  Seriously.  I can't.  Not again.  There aren't words.  Just no.  

[My human is a traitor.]

Dude:

Hey, Casper the Friendly Poltergeist, aka Dude, standing by to take over.  What Ruru the wuss can't bring herself to say is that the stupid person-stealing dog, Skittles, came back.  I shouldn't have guessed as much when our people never promised she wouldn't.  People tend to have a rebellious streak I don't understand.  I know, I've only been around for a year. 

Ru: 

Which makes you an itty bitty baby who's wrong about everything but this.  Humans are mighty uppity for oversized bald things that can't even catch mice with their sad, sorry little claws or flat teeth. Ru out again.  

[You won't catch me close to that face-slapper, Ru.  That's Chunk.]

Dude: 

Hey, old lady, if you're gonna make someone else write your blog for you, the least you can do is BUTT OUT and just let me do it.  Sheesh.  You'd almost think she ruled the world.  

Ru: 

I do.  And you wouldn't catch me anywhere near you, either, squirt.  

[My boy hobnobbing with that food thief while trying to give me a little time.]

Dude: 

Ru, you jump in here one more time, and I'll make you do it.  So without warning, there Skittles was, just taking over my person again and stealing the leftovers, especially the meat.  She'd even growl at me if I tried to get any love from my own person, that huge kid I've claimed.  I'd try to sneak over there, and she was there, wherever I wanted to be.  It stunk.  Seriously.  Glad she's finally gone again, but I don't know where she may show up again.  She haunts my nightmares.  Just don't do that to a cat. Okay, Ru, go ahead. 

Ru: At least Dude got something right.  I even tried to sneak up and get love from that huge juvenile male that used to be so small.  I mean, my person was hidden away in her room, sick like she has been for a week.  My backup person, my person's mom, was busy.  So I had to find a spare pair of hands somewhere.  And here was this male human with perfectly good hands, and he was using them on a dog.  The nerve.  It's bad enough when Dude steals the hands I want.  Worse yet when some strange dog does it.  So we both agree.  Humans, next time you want to get a new dog in here, fill out some forms to request it from the cats who rule the world, so we can burn your application.  Seriously.  No dogs allowed.  

He Stole My Dot!

[My dot.]

Ruru the Cat here.  So recently, my people pulled out my red dot.  You know the one, the one that they flash everywhere, the one I'm sure I will be able to kill one day.  Every time they bring it out, I'm all about killing it.  Because it's my dot.  Mine. 

[Bean discovers my dot--see that line on the floor?  It's mine.] 

But when they brought out the red dot this time, Bean found it.  He wouldn't let anyone else touch it.  He growled or charged at anyone who tried to stand between him and his dot.  

[Bean bullies everyone else for the dot.]

Even his best friend, Dude, aka Casper the friendly poltergeist, got growled and charged at.  I didn't even get to sniff it.  He was so possessive, so selfish.  Even though he's only four pounds, half the size of most of us,  he still has teeth.  He acted like cats don't rule the world.  Seriously, his priorities are all off.  'cuz the red dot is mine.  

Yes, That!

[My new heaven]

Ruru the cat here.  Yesterday, my crazy people brought in little bits of plant while I was upstairs.  I smelled something interesting but didn't go to explore.  Then, I came out of my person's room and realized something beautiful had happened: catnip!

[He stole my heaven!]

It was everywhere!  The other cats got to those little green bits of heaven and had started killing it, chewing it up, and throwing it up.  Dude couldn't get enough of it, rolling in it, fighting off everyone else.  He was all about sniffing it and attacking it.  I wonder if that's the first time he'd ever smelled it.  

[Where my heaven belongs.]

Let me tell you there's nothing quite as exciting as catnip.  I wonder if I can get my people to bring it in more often.  We could throw cat parties and almost get along.  As long as no one gets in my face or steals mine.  Then, they might just get hurt.   

Invader!

 

[A contented me.  Notice--no dogs.]

Ruru: 

Ruru the Cat here.  My people have never sunk so low.  Well, not more than a few times.  But this was really really low.  There's only one thing I can think of that would have been worse.  And that possible nightmare shall remain nameless but came really close.  I won't even hint at a possible Toddlergeddon.  *Shudder.*  No, but this was almost (but not quite) worse.  It was the visit of a dog!  I heard you gasp.  You can't imagine the nightmares.  

[That evil visitor with her person.  Doesn't she look sinister?]

My person's grandpa came and, for no reason I can figure out, dumped off this annoying thing on us.  It smelled up my house and almost barked at me.  I know.  You're shocked!  After a couple of days, it even started stealing my dog food.  It definitely stole some attention that should have been mine.  Really, enough is enough.  How dare my people do such a shocking thing?  I just can't.  Here's Dude.  He wanted to help me explain what an outrage this was.  I say was because she's finally gone.  

[The meanie who thinks she owns the world]

Dude: 

So this is Dude.  They also call me Casper the friendly poltergeist because I go bump in the night.  Kind of funny.  Ru doesn't like me, I know, because I just want to play with her.  And she sees that as an attack.  And she always looks so grumpy.  

Ru again. Dude, we're not talking about me.  We're talking about the stupid dog.  

[A much cooler cat.  See?  I don't usually mind dogs.]

Right.  Which stupid dog again? Oh, that one.  See, I've staked my claim on the juvenile male.  He's mine.  I've marked him.  I sit on him whenever he makes a lap for me.  But here came the dog to steal my person and growl at me in my own spot.  Not happy.  At least she left again.  

[The boy comforted me when my daddy disappeared.]

I'm the other dog.  My name is Skittles.  I didn't want to be there.  I wanted to be with my daddy, but he brought me and left.  It was so hard, so sad.  I spent a lot of time staring at the door, hoping he'd come back.  It had to be a mistake!  But he didn't come back for days and days.  I was so sad.  I held to whoever I could, and the boy made me feel almost like I still had my daddy.  I felt like I was going to starve because they only gave me boring old kibble.  I'm used to demanding whatever I want and getting it. 

[Here's a cat glaring at me.  I'm much happier with little dogs that know me.]

I was scared when they loaded me in a car, but I got to hold to that boy because he gave me comfort.  But then, we got to a place I remember with lots of little dogs like me.  And my daddy was there!  It was so fun, and I was so happy.  Now, I'm hope and don't want to go back to that place without my daddy.  Too many dogs I don't know, one that jumps and growls at me.  And too many cats.  

Ruru again.  You make me regret accepting your stupid email.  Too many cats?  Happier with dogs?  Of all the nerve! Did we ask for you?  No, we did not.  There's no such thing as too many cats, especially when I'm one of them.  Feel honored to have been so close to the center of the world. 

Have a Ball

 

[Something about eyes]

Ruru the Cat here.  So check it.  My person has started doing weird things.  I didn't give her permission, so I can't imagine what it's about.  She stares at books with weird things over her eyes and all sorts of crazy things.  They call it eye therapy and says it has something to do with headaches she gets when she reads.  Never had them.  Seems kind of made up to me.  None of it makes sense at all.  She can see me, pet me, and that's all she needs to be able to do as a bearer of human hands.  I can't imagine her eyes have anything to do with it.  Her eyes can't pet me.  

[The ball we all want to kill.]

Anyway, so they did a really cool thing.  Can't imagine how it relates to her eyes, but they hung a ball from the ceiling.  Then, she's supposed to bat it around.  Now, this is an activity that makes sense to a cat.  We can bat balls around.  And we want to, too.  The problem is it's too high.  We can't reach it.  If you are going to leave a dangling ball around, make it so cats can kill it.  It looks like the soft foam kind of ball.  If we can reach it, we can kill it.  And, trust me, I want to kill it.  

[Dude wants it.]

Dude wants it more than I do.  He watches it all the time and jumps for it.  But none of us has gotten it yet.  

[Egg-shaped things that smell weird hidden throughout the house to be hunted and killed.]

I guess as a consolation prize, our people put little egg-shaped plastic things all over the house for us to kill last night. We didn't get to bat them around much before the kids came downstairs and disappeared them.  But at least we got the night to kill them.  It wasn't as exciting as killing that ball would be.  But I guess we'll take what we can get until humans figure out we're in charge.