Ssstupid Birthday Partiesss

[I've been a martyr]

Ruru the Cat here.  We have a martyr in our midst.  Can I say how happy I am that I wasn't stuck doing the python did yesterday?  Now, I've been there.  I got hauled all over creation on my person's birthday some years ago.  *Shudder.*  Never again.  I wasn't going to let someone else take over my blog this week because I was going to tell you how sad it is that Grumpy Cat, spokescat of grumpy cats like me everywhere, has died, but I think this is a noble cause.  Besides, if I don't have to write, I can go steal more dog food while they sleep. 

[I don't like carss.] 

Asss the cat sssaid, my human thought it would be a great idea to haul me in a tub in a car yessterday.  It was not a good idea.  It sssucked, asss humanss ssay.  I sspent the whole time in that tub explaining to my human what a bad idea thiss wass.  Finally, he let me ssit on hiss head.  He had heat, sso it sseemed like a good idea.  It took a while to find comfort insside a rumbly thing like a car, but when I could look ahead, it wasss better.  

[Humanss, assk a sserpent's permisssion before you hold them.]

Then, he let all sorts of unknown humanss hold me.  Did I give permisssion?  I think not.  The firsst sset was sscared to touch me.  That was a bit ssatissfying.  But the otherss were not sscared.  They sstopped sshort of sswinging me around, but I wasn't ssure they were going to do sso.  

[Jusst ssay no to birthdayss.]

The worsst part wass it wass cold.  I kept trying to climb into ssomeone'ss shirt or jacket, but no one sseemed to get a hint.  Finally, they sstuck me in my box, in the car, sso I could be warm, and they brought me home.  Thiss whole birthday sstuff is for the birdss or humanss or whatever.  I don't approve.   

Let this be a lesson.  Humans out there, never have a birthday.  And if you do, don't include us.  Ever again. 

Incredible(ish) Journey

[Meet two dumb dogs, Willow and Marty.]

Ruru the Cat here.  I hear my people's relatives had their dogs disappear recently.  I would see that as good news, but their silly humans cried.  Waste of good tears.  Now, if it was a cat that disappeared, I can see losing tears.  Anyway, Marty, their Grand Pyrenees pup, wanted me to share his report of their crazy field trip.

Marty: You just can't believe what we've been through.  You can't believe it.  

Me: You ran away and got scared once you couldn't find home?

Marty: Yeah.  How'd you know?  We were sitting and sitting and sitting there, chained to a steak thing.  I've only had steaks taste good, so when they talked about steaks and stuff, I thought it would be yummy.  Nope, it was just a piece of metal they stuck in the ground to hold our chains.  

That's a stake, dumb dog.  Spelled differently.

[Chained up!  Source]

Marty:  It didn't taste good and wasn't any fun.  We waited and waited and waited for our people to come back, but then I figured they'd NEVER come home.  

Ruru: Let me guess.  They were gone five whole minutes before you got bored.


Marty: It was a LONG five minutes.  Very long.  So, Willow and I decided we had to break free and find them, or they could be gone FOREVER.  We were sure they were lost and gone and needed our help to find home.  So be ran and broke the steak out of the ground.  

Ruru: Stake.  

[Running and running and running through streets-Source]

Marty:  Yeah, that.  And then we ran and ran down the streets looking for our people.  We couldn't find them ANYWHERE.  We looked and looked.  We looked around store fronts and through the streets.  We were joined together with our chains and the stake thingy, so we were always together.  It was exciting and fun!  Until we figured out we were totally lost and couldn't find our way home.  

Ruru: And this is why I don't believe in leaving my house.  Only a moron would leave when you can't find your way home.   Or at all, really.  Home is good.  It's where your food dish is. 

Marty: And toys.  And people.  All I could think of was how much I missed my people and my house and my food.  Mostly my food.  

[A hand reaches out, but it's the wrong hand.  Source]

Marty:  Then, some nice people called to us and took us into their yard.  I was sure they were going to get us to our house when they looked at our tags.  But they didn't.  We just sat there and listened to them plan what to do with us.  And they didn't once say anything about getting us home.  It didn't sound good.  But we were stuck there for three whole days.  I was sure my people would forget about me and run out and buy another dog to eat my food and play with my toys.  I was so sad.  I whimpered the whole time.  So very sad.  Then, one day, they forgot to lock the gate!  And we were running free again!  

[home at last!]

Someone picked us up after that, and I was afraid they were going to take us to that wrong house, but they didn't.  They called our people, and our people took us home!  And no other puppy had stolen my bed or my food or my toys!  My people were there to hug me and love me!  I was so happy!  

Moral of the story.  Don't be a dog.  And if you're going to be a dog, don't be a stupid dog.  And, above all, just stay home.  

They're heeere!

[Me, ditched, all by myself, alone!]

Ruru the Cat here.  So, my stinking people abandoned me again this weekend.  It's been a long time since they pulled that stunt.  Don't they know it's a cat's job to disappear on her people, not people's job to disappear on their cat and make her sit around, bored, with nothing to do but beat up on dogs and kill mice?  I mean, I was TOTALLY abandoned except for a house full of cats, some dogs, and a person with hands.  She did okay snuggling me and everything.  But she isn't MY person.  MY person went and ditched me.  

[Me being adorable.]

I heard rumors they were going to leave, but I didn't think they'd actually do it.  I tried to show them they weren't supposed to leave.  I went to every one of them and let them pet me.  I cuddled my person like a good girl.  I was even adorably hugging my stuffed animal.  How could you want to leave that?  I mean, what's cuter than me, snuggling a stuffed animal?  But, no, they went and disappeared, anyway.  Of all the nerve.  They were gone for three WHOLE days.  How could they survive all that time without the wonder and glory that is me?  It's a sad, dim life that does not have a cat. I almost didn't let my person hug me when she came home.  Almost.  But then, I would have missed my snugglings, and that would not do at all.   

Ruff Day!

[It started out fun.]

Cali the Dog here.  I just saw Ruru's blog was open.  My mommy tried to drown me today.  I know she did.  I saw she was leaving.  I wanted to go, too.  Whenever she wants to go somewhere, I gotta go.  Otherwise, I'm ALONE.  Only with other dogs and cats and people and stuff, but without MOMMY.  I don't wanna be alone.  So I wanna go. Usually, she takes me for walks and potty and walks and trips that take me somewhere fun like playing with puppies.  Oh, and walks. 

[This is when they laughed.]

But, today, my mommy did something scary.  She took me to water.  She put a jacket thing on me.  The people laughed and laughed at me, even my mommy.  Then, they did something worse.  It's hard to even describe.  

[In the scary kayak]

They put me in this thing they called a kayak.  I thought it was okay, as long as Mommy was coming too.  

[Here's where I think they wanted to drown me.]

But then, they put it on the WATER.  Not the yummy kind of water, either.  Or even bath water.  No, big, scary water that rocked and blew and made me want to be sick.  It was TERRIFYING.  I was sure I was gonna DROWN and die and stuff.  It wasn't safe like a walk.  There were no treats.  Just lots and lots of water that rocked the kayak thingie.  Mommy was there, but I was so scared. 

[Nasty water!]

Then, she finally took me to land but left again on another boat without me.  I thought I was gonna DIE because I didn't have my mommy.  But I didn't want to go on the scary water.  I didn't know what to do.  Why would Mommy be mean like this and take me scary places?  I don't understand.  

[The face of fear.]

When they put me in a boat again, even with Mommy, I was so scared.  I thought they'd send me out on the water.  I almost peed myself.  But they didn't make me get in the water again. Finally, we came home, and I was safe.  But it was so scary!  Oh, no  Here comes Ru.  She's gonna be so mad I stole her blog.  

[What I was doing the whole time it sucked to be that dog--taking a nap!]

Shoo, dog.  Get.  Oh, crap.  Oh, my.  This is the funniest blog I've ever read.  Man, I'm glad I'm not a dog.  Snurfle.  Humans wouldn't dare mess with a cat this way.  They'd know it would earn them a dead mouse in their shoe.  But this.  This is just epic.  Man, I'm going to be laughing about this all week.  Taking a dumb dog kayaking.  I'm gonna have to let that dog borrow my blog again.  I could always use the laugh. 

Eggs on My Head

[There is nothing funny about taking a cat's nap.]

Ruru the Cat here.  Seriously.  Humans find the weirdest things funny.  I was sitting there--okay, laying there trying to sleep--minding my own business, when my human decided to wish me a "Happy Easter" (whatever that means) by covering me in plastic eggs.  Repeatedly.  I kept wishing she'd leave me alone.  She'd take the eggs off and put them back on again in some new configuration.  

[Okay, I can handle that.]

Now, I've researched this Easter egg stuff.  I've also seen my humans wandering around my house, looking for egg-shaped plastic things with nasty sweet and citrusy stuff in them.  And I still don't get it.  What's the point?  I mean, why hide the brightly colored objects even a blind kitten can see and smell, and why, then, bother to look for something that doesn't squeak or run away?  When a cat hunts, she hunts with a purpose.  To kill.  Duh.  Whatever other purpose can there be?  And, somehow, in spite of eggs coming from a bird,  there's supposed to be a rabbit involved.  Cracked me up when that goofy dog I live with got stuck wearing bunny ears, but it's just not cool when you do it to a cat.  

[Why?  Just why?]

Humans just don't make sense.  I'm not sure why we cats try to figure you humans out at all.  Mostly, it just gives us a headache.  'Cuz you keep putting crazy crap on our heads.  

Ah, Man!

[A cat's view of heaven: papers to destroy, cats to play with, and mice to hunt.]

Ruru the Cat here.  You just don't know what a thrill it is to stalk a mouse!  Unless you had the wisdom to be born a cat, you can't even dream of the joys of the hunt, of sinking your teeth into its soft side, of throwing it into the air and having it flee for its life, knowing you can catch it again at any time!  Oh, such fulfillment!  One is never so very much a cat as when one is killing something.  So very satisfying. 

[The Pointless Machine]

This week, we found one, a young one.  Three of us chased it in and around one of the big machines humans occasionally use to walk in place without actually going anywhere.  It mostly sits there, gathering dust, so I'm not sure what its purpose is except to play into a human's need to feel like he/she is doing something, without actually having to do something.  Anyway, the three of us chased the thing all around and under the Pointless Machine.  Then, that little furry entertainment system disappeared into thin air.  None of us could smell it, hear it, or see it.  It didn't make any sense.  Until one of the humans started shaking this backpack, and it came flying out!  Oh, what an adventure! 

[Isn't he precious?  My precious?  He's not looking at me, just like I didn't get to see what happened to him.]

Except, then, my human nabbed me.  She lured me with snacks.  I always fall for that trick.  Then, she squirreled me away into one of those bedrooms, and I never got to see how the hunt ended.  Drat!  Or, rather, Dmouse!  Talk about anticlimactic!  I wish I could tell you what happened to the bringer of joy, but I never saw.  I imagine Toothless ate it when he tired of it, though he wouldn't admit it.  I'll just let Toothless find another one, so I can steal it. 

Nom Nom Rodentsss

[Here issss me!]

Thisss isss Keylime Python.  Ruru left her blog open, ssso I ssstole it.  She wouldn't mind.  I will be featuring a sssubject she would write on, anyway.  The sssurveysss have been fun, but I sssenssse a bit of biasss in her dissscourssse. I will attempt to be biasss-free.  Today'sss isssue is rodentsss.  Dogsss, what do you think about them? 

[Ruru would sssay he looks like a drown rat.  I sssay drown ratsss look much more appetizing.]

Dodger:  Bark bark bark.  What are you?  I don't get it.  

Me: Yesss, I don't doubt it.  Other dogssss?  

Twix:  Rodents?  Like mice?  Those little obnoxious things?  Not sure.  I'd kill one and taste it if I could catch one.  

Calli:  Oooh.  A rope.  I wanna chew it.  Hold still.  Wanna chew you.  

[If you can't sssee the hedgehog, look jussst above the shadow.]

Me:  That wasssn't the quessstion, but I think I will foressstall quessstionsss and go asssk sssomeone lesss dangerousss.  Fellow denizensss of the male human'sss quartersss, thoughtsss on rodentsss?  

Hedgehog:  Eeep!  Snake!  *Tremble tremble tremble.*

Me: Yesss, that wasss what I thought you would sssay.  Othersss?  

Beardie:  I'd try one if someone offered it.  

Leopard gecko: Nah, I like crickets.  Lots of crickets.  Crickets everywhere!  

Me:  Meanwhile, there issss nothing I prefer more than a lovely, plump rat.  I've had two ssso far sssince I arrived.  I wasss filled with anticipation and excitement when I realized I could give one a hug and a kissss.  Ah, sssuch joy!   

[Catssss]

Me:  Catsss, tell me what you think about rodentsss.   

Maya: There's nothing better than hunting mice.   Never tried a rat, though.  

Cass:  What are you?  I don't know whether to be scared of you or not.  But rodents are yummy.  I've tried several kinds.  

Toothless:  Oooh.  You're making me hungry.  I tend to leave rodents a head in this world.  Just a head.  

[Me vs. Ruru.]

Ruru:  Are you seriously stealing my blog?  This is MY BLOG.  I wanted to survey everyone on rodents.  YOU DON'T GET TO STEAL MY BLOG!!  

Me:  Too late.  I guesss a love of deliciousss rodentsss isn't as popular as I had sssuposssed.  

Ruru:  No!  Nothing is better than killing and eating rodents!  Don't let anyone say any differently!  How dare you--

Well, have a great week, humansss.  I'll be ignoring a cat now.