Revenge of Toddlergeddon

Ruru the Cat here.  I was so relieved that the visitors with two toddlers were finally gone for good.  They didn't come all summer long.  Haven't been here for months.  I was starting to breathe easier, knowing they'd flown off to some other universe to plague poor, innocent cats there.

[Monster 1 rears its cat-pounding head again.]

But, no.  They returned.  [Insert scary music here.]  I think you remember what a nightmare these things are.  Well, it gets worse.

[Twix is braver than me when it comes to these monsters.]

They REPRODUCED!!!  Yes, those two monster toddlers got together and made another little, floppy, whiny thing.  In PINK this time.  I used to think the little ones were safe.  But, no, they get bigger and become MORE TODDLERS who want to chase you around and pull your tail.  Do they have some kind of machine you step into to make more little tail-grabbing, cat-slapping monsters?  I don't get how such a travesty happens.

[Look at this thing, positively mauling my poor, defenseless head.]

They came rampaging into my house a couple of days ago and positively took over, throwing around my dog food and fishie crackers, tossing wrappers and debris everywhere, running from room to room to room screaming and giggling, making stinky packages to muck up my perfectly respectable garbage cans and make my litter box cry with the stink, pounding on each other or screaming some more, and even taking over our lovely cats-only basement.  They took up every inch of my house.  Usually, I'm delighted to slip out of my person's room when things are quiet to get myself some dinner and a drink.  This time, not so much.  I seriously noped when my person's mom opened the door because I heard the toddler monsters from all the way upstairs.  And I love my tail.  It's a lovely tail.  I don't need it yanked and broken.

[Get me out of here!] 

Even my person got into the action, dragging me downstairs and putting me in toddlers' way.  I clung to my person and pretended it wasn't happening.  She laughed, I tell you, LAUGHED.  There is nothing funny about little monsters taking over your house.  They're finally gone again, but I know better than to imagine they won't come back.  And maybe next time, they'll show up with SIX or EIGHT toddlers.  Beware.  You may want to lock your doors, or the toddlers are coming for you next.

Cheating on Me

[My person doing rude things with my ears, but also paying attention to the RIGHT thing: ME!]

Ruru the Cat here.  I know my person is cheating on me.  Twice this week, she's disappeared to somewhere else and come back smelling like dogs.  I mean, LOTS of dogs.  Little ones that smell fresh and new.  And when my people walked in the door, they were talking about these puppies.  They were feeding these little things.  From my experience, dogs will pretty much eat anything.  Why give them actual food?

[Mountain of attention-grabbing monsters.]

I scoped out my person's mom's pictures.  It's confirmed.  My person is actually ditching me to hang out with dogs.  LITTLE dogs.  And if they're as obnoxious as little cats, the only thing she could do that was worse was bringing them HERE.  We HAVE a puppy.  It's obnoxious and loud.  I think they said something about the number TEN.  What could one possibly do with ten annoying, slobbery little useless things?  And why spend time that way when you could actually spend time with ME?

[Ignore this picture.  There's nothing cute about it.  It's all about me.]

I just don't get why my person would choose them over me.  I'm cute, aren't I?  I'm loving and sweet.  I'm the center of the world.  Why do you need anything else?

That Stupid S Word

(Me.  It's about me.  Just deal with it.)

Ruru the Cat here.  You know that lovely world I described last week?  That world in which I had my wonderful person around all day, every day?  Well, it's all gone now.  All gone.  I'm NOT happy.  

I got that lovely world for a day.  Just a day.  Not even that, and that crappy S word started.  They call it "school," but that seems like such a boring word for a terrible event that happens for so many hours each day.  I can't imagine what steals my person away for so stinking long EVERY DAY, well, almost every day.  I don't understand the pattern.  It's just that some days, she's there, and some days, she's not.  I hate this.  I just get her back, and she leaves me again.  It's perverse, I tell you, and just not right.  

Seriously.  Do they not understand that life is all about me?  She's supposed to be here for me, to offer me crackers and pet me and NOT put me in costumes.  She's supposed to be there all day, every day.  This S word crap needs to stop.  And some days, when she starts at home, she goes somewhere else and doesn't come back in a hurry.  I just can't understand why someone would want to do anything that doesn't involve me.  People don't make any sense at all.  

BACK!!!!

(So desperate for love, I'll snuggle anything.)

Yayayay!  Ruru the Cat here.  Remember last week how I told you my people were NEVER coming back?  My people came back the very next day!  And the sun shone again!  I could scarcely eat the whole time they were there.  They left us a bucket of food, but it was hard to get into it.  We all fought over it.  More than that, I just didn't want to anymore than I had to the whole time.  My person wasn't here.  It just didn't seem worth it.  Everyone was hairballing all the time because the people do some kind of magic while they're here to keep us from that. 

(So delighted to be back in that horrid caterpillar costume 'cuz it means my person's back.)

But then they came back!  She came back!  More than a week later, but she came.  I've never been so purry as the day she showed she wasn't gone forever.  They smelled like meat they didn't share with me (jerks), and they smelled like they'd been petting foreign dogs.  They talked about visiting some kind of big cat zoo thing, so I know she's been cheating on me.  But it doesn't matter because she's back!  It doesn't even matter that she's still rearranging my face, bringing the annoying dogs back into my house, putting me in costumes, that her mom keeps waking me to pet me all the time, that they're still being as annoying as ever.  They're home! 

Abandoned...alone...forsaken...forever!

(Where are they?) 

Ruru the Cat here.  My person left me forever!  One day, they were all there, and the next, they were just gone.  They've left before for a couple of days, sometimes even several days.  But this has been over a week, which in cat years is FOREVER AND EVER!!!!!

I don't know what I'm going to do if my people don't ever come back.  I mean, they did me the favor of disappearing the dogs, which is great.  But I want them back, especially my person.  They did send someone to check on us.  When I heard the door open, I was just sure it would be my people.  But it wasn't!  It was just the Others who sometimes visit but aren't mine. 

What do I do if my person doesn't show up?  I can't snuggle myself.  We're rapidly running out of the entire huge bucket of food they left for us.  The water is getting kind of stale and just not so yummy anymore.  I wonder if I can sneak into the boy's room and eat those lizards.  I wonder if I can find my way inside the sealed place where they keep meat cold.  I wonder if the dogs will come back so we can maybe eat them.  But most of all, I wonder when will my person come back?  Does she hate me now?  Oh, the horror!  I'm so traumatized I think I'll take a nap now. 

People!

                                                     (Me getting tortured by my person.)

Ruru the Cat here.  My person has been driving me nuts this week.  I sometimes wonder why I put up with all of this.  She's been rearranging my anatomy.  She's been poking me, squeezing me, waking me up and THEN poking me.  Letting the stupid dog take my spot.  Taken me to the bathroom with a tub AND sink that put out real WATER.  And just when her mom is petting me and squishing my face just right, she takes me AWAY!!!   I can't tell you how annoying she's been this week. 

(Just ouch.)

She's also taken to plucking at my busted nail.  It's annoying enough that it's broken.  Does she really have to mess with it?  It hurts enough without her making it bleed.  Seriously. 

(CLOTHING!!!!)

Worst of all, she dressed me up in clothing.  Like a person.  I blogged about this!  I wanna be naked!  Not cat-that's-been-shaved naked but fuzzy-cat-happy-in-her-own-skin naked.  I do not REPEAT do NOT need clothing.  I think it's all this sitting inside that's getting to her head.   

                                                              (Fine.  Butter me up.)

She's been driving me NUTS.  Just when I really get to wondering why I put up with all of this, she turns around and snuggles me to sleep.  She breaks out the fishie crackers.  She does something NICE.  Okay, I'll keep her around.  Let her be my pet human.  'Cuz I'm nice like that.  

Caught Out

(Nasty flashback to last week when there was a kitten monster in the house.  My person came back from somewhere smelling like kittens again(!!!), and I was afraid more would show up.  They didn't.  (Whew.)

Ruru the Cat here.  Remember that week when the kitten left (yay!), and my person and her mom were the only ones left home for a WHOLE WEEK, and it was awesome?  Well, it sounds like drama went on in my very house that I didn't even know about.  The boy left his lizard's cage open, and it got out all week.  AND I COULDN'T GET IN THERE TO PLAY WITH IT.  Not even just a little.  The door was closed.  I mean, to think of all those hours lost, slowly killing a lizard...think how much fun that would have been!  Oh, I guess the lizard wants to talk here, too.  Fine.   Man, it doesn't even feel like my blog some weeks.   

(Me!  The Awesome and most impressive Survival Gecko!)

Survival Gecko here.  I'm looking forward to starting my YouTube videos on how to survive in this crazy world of humans as a gecko.  It's a tough world out there, and geckos can be small and helpless if you aren't careful.  I'm quite the adventurer, and I got to go on an AMAZING adventure this week!  

A year or so ago, the cats knocked over the cage that held me and another gecko.  We both ran and hid.  I don't know what happened to the other gecko, but I survived!  For Six months!  I'm amazing like that!  In my videos, I'll show you how to be a survivor like me!  I'll show you how to live off toilet water, how to eat all the box elder bugs, moths, mosquitoes, and other household bugs you can eat!

(Me, armed and dangerous with Nerf in case some other idiot wants to steal my blog.)

Silly lizard brain.  Do you not understand the point of a blog?  It's all about telling everyone about your suffering, how you're a martyr to this human world we live in.  It's not about advertising some video.  Man, teach me to let anyone else borrow my blog.  No one writes a blog like a cat.