Toddlergeddon Strikes Again and Again and Again and Again...

(Looks safe, doesn't it?  It ISN'T.  It's gonna grow up to be a TODDLER!!!  Dodger, run away)

Ruru the Cat here.  Remember how I joked the people with the toddler were coming back?  Well, it wasn't a joke!  They came back AGAIN.  Like, two days later.  TWICE in one WEEK!!!!  How much do they hate me?  Seriously?  I thought I was rid of them for at least, I don't know, a week or something.  Maybe a year.  Possibly a decade would be nice. 

But, NOOO.  They came back.  And they STILL have the toddlers.  The thing that surprised me was that the little pink bundle hadn't doubled in size and become another monster toddler and maybe popped out another two or three monsters just like them. 

(The terrified look of a cat watching a toddler terrorize her house.)

They seemed happily distracted most of the time with those little boxes with wheels, cars I think they're called.  They still made a lot of noise and threw around my dog food and stole my milk and generally made a mess of my lovely, peaceful house.  I just don't understand why someone would want to go and buy a crazy pet like a toddler when you could have a SANE companion like a cat.  I was relieved when they disappeared again, but then they seemed to have taken my people with them.  I don't get it.  When you have toddlers, why do you have to haul off my people, too?

Fortunately, my people came back the next day.  Without toddlers.  I'm seriously jumping every time I hear a whine or a scream or something.  I'm sure those toddling monsters will be BACK.  They're haunting my nightmares.  And since I sleep all day, I have a LOT of nightmares.  All day long, they're toddling through my dreams, grabbing me and smearing me with peanut butter.  *Shudder.*  Say it to yourself.  "Toddlers."  Doesn't it send chills?  If it doesn't, it should. 

Revenge of Toddlergeddon

Ruru the Cat here.  I was so relieved that the visitors with two toddlers were finally gone for good.  They didn't come all summer long.  Haven't been here for months.  I was starting to breathe easier, knowing they'd flown off to some other universe to plague poor, innocent cats there.

[Monster 1 rears its cat-pounding head again.]

But, no.  They returned.  [Insert scary music here.]  I think you remember what a nightmare these things are.  Well, it gets worse.

[Twix is braver than me when it comes to these monsters.]

They REPRODUCED!!!  Yes, those two monster toddlers got together and made another little, floppy, whiny thing.  In PINK this time.  I used to think the little ones were safe.  But, no, they get bigger and become MORE TODDLERS who want to chase you around and pull your tail.  Do they have some kind of machine you step into to make more little tail-grabbing, cat-slapping monsters?  I don't get how such a travesty happens.

[Look at this thing, positively mauling my poor, defenseless head.]

They came rampaging into my house a couple of days ago and positively took over, throwing around my dog food and fishie crackers, tossing wrappers and debris everywhere, running from room to room to room screaming and giggling, making stinky packages to muck up my perfectly respectable garbage cans and make my litter box cry with the stink, pounding on each other or screaming some more, and even taking over our lovely cats-only basement.  They took up every inch of my house.  Usually, I'm delighted to slip out of my person's room when things are quiet to get myself some dinner and a drink.  This time, not so much.  I seriously noped when my person's mom opened the door because I heard the toddler monsters from all the way upstairs.  And I love my tail.  It's a lovely tail.  I don't need it yanked and broken.

[Get me out of here!] 

Even my person got into the action, dragging me downstairs and putting me in toddlers' way.  I clung to my person and pretended it wasn't happening.  She laughed, I tell you, LAUGHED.  There is nothing funny about little monsters taking over your house.  They're finally gone again, but I know better than to imagine they won't come back.  And maybe next time, they'll show up with SIX or EIGHT toddlers.  Beware.  You may want to lock your doors, or the toddlers are coming for you next.

Cat Rules for Surviving Toddlergeddon

[Behold the terrifying face of your nemesis]

Ruru the Cat here.  Man, you can't imagine what a rough weekend I've had.  My person had the right idea in hiding the second those scary toddler monsters showed up. They were all over my house, tossing stuff everywhere, dumping dog food in the clean pet water, chasing cats, spilling who knows what all over my carpet, and just generally being a worse pest than any mouse.  The other cats and I have been working on a list of rules to follow if not one but TWO nasty toddler beasties show up at your house.

    [Maya failing to follow her logical feline instincts and allowing herself to hobnob with the enemy]

1. Hide.  Hide fast, and stay hidden until there's no sound of toddlers.  Baby and Maya both say toddlers aren't so bad.  These nutty creatures drop food that can sometimes be yummy.  Okay, I'll admit a toddler gave me bacon one of the few times I showed up.  But hiding really is the best idea.  They can't beat on you and pull your tail if you hide.

2.  If you have to come out, run fast.  Those things can really move when they're chasing you.  The last thing you want to do is get caught.

3. Only come out to eat if they're asleep.  They smell kind of sweet and produce nice body heat.  They also have sticky stuff on them that tastes okay.  You see, I showed my bravery by snuggling one while it wasn't moving.  That was kind of pleasant, actually.  But I fled the second it moved.

                                                                     [Dogs don't get it]

4.  Make the dogs take the heat.  Dogs actually LIKE toddler attention.  Even Twixie doesn't find them too scary.  If dogs are out where they can be seen, cats are far less likely to draw the wrath of the wild toddler.  If you have to, chase the dogs out of your hiding place, so they are in a vulnerable and exposed position, not you.

Well, that's it.  If those things show up at your house, I know your first impulse will be to panic and maybe skip the state.  Just know you don't have to be helpless.

They're Baaaaaaack!

Ruru the Cat here.  Seriously?  It seems we no sooner get rid of those monsters than they show up again.  Remember the baby, the toddler, and the dog [and those people who seem to have nothing better to do than to ruin innocent cats' lives by bringing them here]?  Well, this time, it was worse yet.  They were here for TWO DAYS!  And that crazy toddler wouldn't leave us ALONE!  He smacked us, chased us around while threatening us with pointy things, knocked our water dish over multiple times, followed us to places we thought were safe, stole my cheese right out from under my nose... that thing is relentless.  I think it was particularly designed with cat torment in mind.

Oh, and even the little baby human got in on the persecute-innocent-animals game.  If anyone got anywhere near him, particularly the dogs, they were bound to get pounded.  Small humans are SCARY.

And that big dog...that big, scary dog still has those big teeth.  And he kept showing them off.  Harmoni told me he was just yawning and smiling and stuff, but what does a dog know?  

Weirder still, they brought this big fluffy pink something that looked sort of like an animal but WASN'T an animal.  It didn't smell or act like an animal.  My person hauls stuff like that around all the time, but nothing this BIG.

                                                              (See?  Really big!)

We all had to cower in the basement and pray they'd leave.  It was horrible!

Here's Harmoni's testimonial.  She'll tell you:

Ruru's not kidding!  Those things are scary, all of them!  Everything Ruru says is true, except the big dog mountain really was just yawning and smiling.  Aries isn't scary.  He's just old and tired.  And he brings yummy food and treats.  So he's welcome anytime.  Come to think of it, the toddler often offered me food, especially that chocolate stuff my people never want me to have. And the little baby human kept spilling food and milk all over, so I could do my duty and clean it up.  The big, blue-haired female wouldn't leave me alone, but she ended up petting me and snuggling me.  So she wasn't all bad.  Maybe it's okay if they come back.  They give me food.  

Aw, come on, Harmoni.  You're kidding, right?  Who asked you?

You did.  

You're no help.  Dodger, come on.  You're a dog.  They wouldn't leave you alone.  Tell them how bad these horrors were.

I like people.  They gave me food.  It was yummy.  They petted me.  It was nice.  What was I saying? 


Ruru again, the only sane creature in this house.  Man, dogs are useless.  It was horrible!  A trauma!  The worst thing that's happened all week!  That's what you get when you let a dog talk.  Mutts.

TODDLERS....Shudder.

Ruru the Cat here.  I thought dogs were bad.  Not kidding.  I wish to issue an apology to dogs everywhere.  I have discovered something scarier than a dog.  We had two itty bitty humans show up.  Man, if I thought dogs and big people smelled bad, these itty bitty humans smelled much WORSE. One of those itty bitty humans didn't seem to move around much, but the other waddled around the whole house.  I heard a scary word applied to this new creature: TODDLER.

This toddler creature was terrifying.  He kept chasing around anything on four legs and patting them.  Hard.  Okay, so I've heard of worse.  Maya told me toddlers she knew would pick her up and drag her around, sometimes even landing on top of her or pulling her tail.  Nothing is worse than a toddler.  It could definitely have been worse.  He didn't chase all of us all of the time.  He had too much to do, running from room to room, banging loud things together, which hurt my ears, making all sorts of squawking noises, which also hurt my ears, and taking up the space we usually have to run around in.

On the bright side, he dropped bits of yummy stuff everywhere.  But I didn't get them.  I knew better than to actually show myself the WHOLE TIME, so that annoying puppy got them.  Then again, the puppy also got more attention.  Poor puppy.  And though the stuff that came with the itty bitty humans smelled interesting, I watched what happened.  When my brothers played around in and  stuff that smelled of these little bitty people, they got chased off by the big person who watched over these itty bitty people.  My whole house was used up by this toddler and the smaller version of him.

I have to say if I got anything out of this weekend, it's an appreciation for the stupidity and usefulness of puppies.  The puppy kept the toddler busy.  Okay, maybe I won't banish her to another planet.  Yet.