How to Survive Toddlergeddon!

[The hairball doesn't understand.]    

Ru: Ruru the Cat here.  You know the scariest thing about the descent of Toddlergeddon on my nice, quiet house?  The toddlers get BIGGER.  Second scariest is that it happens without warning or sign.  Poof, there they are, running through, throwing stuff everywhere, mixing cat food and water, filling the cat water with dish soap, and chasing us down.  Poor Toothless was cornered upstairs, trying to squeeze in the inch under the door to get in my person's room with Phoenix, Wren, and Paige.  They hid out because it was the safest place to be, other than where I hid in the adult people's room.  Everybody else huddled downstairs, hoping the storm would blow by soon.  

[Run, dumb floof.  Oh, too late.]

Except the dumb little gray hairball.  She didn't know any better, didn't get she needed to flee while she had a chance.  And those toddlers, even the big one that's almost half the size of a human hauled her around EVERYWHERE.  The little one kept wanting to squeeze her like a mouse, reminding the rest of us why we were hiding.  You may as well hear about the pain and suffering from the annoying little hairball. 

[They brought toddlers AND Beanie's obnoxious sister that I thought was gone for good.]

Varya: Hi. I'm Varya or Wolf or Kitten. Not sure. I'm a vicious monster who's scary and can kill anybody.  Ru, why are you laughing?  I am.  I'm big and mean and scary. 

[I miss my sisters.]

I came from my mommy to my new house with my sisters.  I showed everyone how big and mean and scary I was by standing up on the tallest thing I could find and growling at everyone.  Are you laughing again, Ru?  Anyway, so my sisters and me, we played and played and played until they disappeared.  I was sad and lonely.  I'm not sure where they went or if they're coming back. 

[He's the first to be my buddy here.]

Now, I gotta try to make friends here. The little doggie likes me.  He plays with me sometimes. I finally made friends with the big gray one with stripes.  Wren or murder floof.  Not sure what his name is, but he's my best friend. Everybody else thinks I'm okay, but the people love me.  They pet me, and I purr and purr and scream to leave and then chew through anyone when I smell food.  I'm lovable and great.  Ru, stop laughing.  

[The toddlers have gotten bigger and scarier.]

Ru, what were those big things that attacked my house?  I don't get what just happened. 

Ru: We call them toddlers.  We don't really know what they are except monsters.  Did you see the rest of us the whole time they were here?  I mean, besides the traitor, Maya? 

Varya: Well, no.

 

[Toddlers come in a stunning array of shapes and sizes--worse yet, I hear a new one is coming.]

Ru: Exactly.  You'll figure it out.  

Varya: Anyway, those toddler monsters showed up and hauled me around and held me too tight and petted me and wouldn't give me to the nice people who wouldn't squeeze me.  It was scary.  But then, they were gone, and it was okay.  

[I don't like being wet!]

Then, just when it was me and the nice people, they put me in a big white tub thing and sprayed me with water and smelly stuff, and I was wet and cold.  They snuggled me and blew at me with a machine thing. It was scary.  But now, everything is peaceful and happy.  Ru, this is my story. Stop laughing at these scary things. I mean it, or else I'll be mean to you. 

Ru:  HAHAHAHA!  Wow, that's funny.  Little hairball thinks she's so big and scary but can't even avoid toddlers or a bath.  That's pretty hilarious.  Little one, I've killed mice bigger than you. 

[The mixed bag that is Christmas.]

This Christmas stuff is such a weird mixed bag.  They bring out our awesome jungle gym with dangly stuff to play with and soft paper to shred.  They give us yummy-smelling catnip toys with feathers and new snacks but then bring home baby kittens and toddlers.  Not sure if I like it or not.  

Forgot One

 

[Look at this kitten, stealing my attention.  Good riddance.]

Ruru the Cat here!  Woohoo!  Earlier this week, my people disappeared with one of those annoying kittens, and the kitten didn't return!  Poof, like magic!  I was so excited.  It looked like my kitten but sure didn't smell like her.  I was delighted to see one disappear.  One down, three to go.  Merry Christmas to me. 

[Goodbye, plagues to my existence.]

Then, a couple of days ago, my people disappeared with two of the annoying kittens in a box.  I held my breath the whole time, except when I was napping.  And guess what!  They came back without the little tan one or the dark gray one!  I could have thrown a party.  It was AMAZING!  Wish granted!  I'm so looking forward to having my quiet life with just seven cats, the ones that know how to respect me.  By that, I mean fear me.  'Cuz that's how I like it.  I may be small, but the smart cats (read: NOT Maya.  Or kittens.) don't mess with me. 

[They missed one. Maybe they confused the two gray ones and didn't realize they both needed to go away.]

I'm waiting for them to figure out they still have one here.  Come on, people.  You have me.  You definitely don't need the other six.  And you definitely DEFINITELY don't need another little annoying furball.  But I watch the adult male human goo over this little beast like he hasn't over ANY kittens.  Calls her his little wolf.  He's tried with other kittens, but this one actually melts in his hands.  And she follows around the human adult female, the one I've claimed when my real person is upstairs.  And that human female also melts for this little patch of fur.  And even the human juvenile male likes her.  

[Note there are two kittens in this pic, and they both need to go because they're sucking up my attention and my lap.]

Worst of all, my person loves her, too. She already has three big kittens, mine and the two I hate, all claiming what used to be my room and my human.  They do NOT need another little fuzzling in there, growing up to take over.  Please tell me all these other cats are wasting their time, embracing her, especially Wren.  Please tell me my people are not going to be letting this beast stay without my permission.  Seriously.  

How to Get Rid of Your Enemies

[How to get rid of your enemy--I have a plan.]

Ruru the Cat here.  Anyone want one grumpy, old cat?  I'd really like to get rid of her.  Not kidding. She chases me around and hisses. 

[When your pet peeve hisses at your pettier peeve.] 

And it's not just her I'd like to get rid of.  I've been competing all week with those dang fluff balls.  Just smelling them makes me grumpy.  They take my food, my dog water, my hands for love.  The very air I breathe and even my cat tree are heavy with kitten smells.  I just don't get the appeal.  

[My archenemy.  I'm Ruru the Cat, and I approve that sticker.]

However, there were a few highlights.  Like when the big human male put the 90% off sticker on Maya.  For one beautiful moment, I was sure we were getting rid of her.  Then, he laughed and took it off.  Dangit.  I'd make her 100% off and pay four kittens to get rid of her.  

[Sad, sorry rats in the tub.]

Also, it was great fun to watch the kittens get it in the bathtub.  They shrunk from big poofs to little rats.  I could have fallen off my perch, laughing.

[See?  Even the big, poofy Dodger becomes a twig.]

Better still, the dogs got it next.  It was also great fun to watch the poofy dogs become scrawny twigs with eyeballs, too.  Man, that was almost the best moment of my week.  

[And the kittens came back. Dang.]

The true best moment, though, was twice when my people hauled the kittens out of the house.  Twice, I was sure they were gone forever.  But twice, those dumb kittens showed up again, all four, screaming and killing and smelling up my house.  Dangit.  Why do the people around here keep getting my hopes up only to throw them out the window?  People.  They're almost as bad as dogs.  And kittens.  

Now, It's Getting Ridiculous

[Hiding over here.]

Ruru the Cat here.  Seriously.  I was looking forward to a quiet time with all my people around to give me attention and love.  Remember that I'm the only cat that matters, so I figured when my people take this big break they keep talking about, I'd get all the love I could handle.  

[Watch Wren hiss.]

Well, crap.  Now, my people have brought home ANOTHER batch of annoying kittens.  It's hard to believe.  Even Wren and Phoenix, the kittens of the house, are crazy annoyed and frustrated.  

[Nope]

Old lady Maya was the first to hiss at them, though I wasn't far behind.  I just don't get where my people are finding this kitten portal.  It's not like we have any cats that can even produce kittens.  They'll just disappear for a few minutes, and suddenly, kazing, they've got more annoying furballs.  

[A new set of furballs dominating over my house and my people.]

And these ones are bigger hairballs than most, covered in wayyyy too much fur.  It's hard to see the cat under all that fur.  I'm seriously done with this joke.  These humans better get rid of those kittens fast, or I'm getting rid of the humans, so I can have my house to myself.  That's how it works, right? 

Jungle Gym! Mine!

[Someone got to my tree and baubles first.]

Ruru the Cat here.  I came out of my super-secret private room (yeah, the adult humans call it their bedroom, but I know the truth.)  And there, almost up to the ceiling, was a brand new, fresh jungle gym.  To you, it looks like a tree.  Pine, maybe. But it smells like plastic.  And by the time I got into it, it already smelled like cat.  Dude AND Chonk, which means they beat me to it, dangit. I could tell SOMEONE had beat me to it because there were bits and baubles from it thrown EVERYWHERE. 

 

[Me in MY jungle gym] 

But when I came out of my room, it was empty. Well, except the shiny, dangly baubles that are clearly meant to be cat toys.  Anything that exciting and shiny and dangly can ONLY be a cat toy.  So I climbed up inside, and it felt like home.  There was no evil Silvy or Cass, the cats that claimed it a couple of years ago.  Especially that mean, old Silvy who wouldn't let any of us touch it.  I climbed straight up those branches and happily batted at EVERYTHING. It was AMAZING. 

[The competition chases me out, in spite of my best growling.

For about five minutes.  Then, the dorsal tails of my competition moved in.  I didn't even see them before I smelled them because I was so happy with my beautiful jungle gym.  Those two new kittens came closer and closer.  I growled to try to keep them away, but they wouldn't be stopped.  And they're a little scary, especially in pairs. And they're almost always in pairs.  

[Back to my tree.  Grr.]

I finally had to flee to my cat tree, the one that already smells like me.  I feel safe there, protected because Maya and Dude, the two scariest cats in the house, leave it alone.  They don't even try to get up there.  The kittens will hop up there whenever they feel like it and even sometimes chase me down.  But mostly, I can protect my turf.  Because it's safely mine.  

[Don't they know it's mine?]

And, of course, they sniffed my beautiful jungle gym, and the bigger, stripy brat, Wren, even explored it a bit.  Now, I have to wait 'til none of the other seven lurk there.  And even then, I will hesitate to go there because all cats in the house have already marked it as their own.  It's just not fair.  'Cuz it's MY jungle gym.  The people clearly set it up just for me.  'Cuz it's mine.  No touchie.  

Tunnel Vision

[The old tunnel-not my thing.]

Ruru the Cat here.  So we had this tunnel for a while that was super popular around here, with cats fighting over it and through it and bouncing in and out of it.  I really don't get the charm because I have my tree.  Others fight me for my cat tree, but it's really mine.  I have to sometimes remind upstarts like Wren or Phoenix that it's my spot, but it really is.  I will beat anyone that thinks otherwise.  

[Not my thing.]

But the original, white one disappeared.  Now, we have this bigger one with three sides, and the humans had to put catnip in it to get cats to start playing with it.  If anything, it's even less interesting than the other one.  The other cats do play with it, but that's their problem.  I'd much rather sit on my tree because it gives me a chance to smell those turkey smells from the oven with no interference.  The one thing that did make it interesting, a dangly thing, at one end got yanked off, hauled away, and killed.  I just don't get the charm.  

[Finally. Something worth leaving this perch for.]

But I've heard rumors of something better still coming next week, my jungle gym, that green, tree-looking thing that shows up once a year.  It gets dangly baubles on it we can kill.  It gets paper-covered stuff under it we can shred. That's the stuff I look forward to.  I'd even leave my cat tree for it.  Those kittens better not get to it first.  It's mine.  

All Hail the "Great" Hunter

[Wren's oh-so-glorious mouse and how little I think of it.]

Ru the Cat here.  So a certain lame puffball who likes to call himself a cat has become insufferable.  He's been bragging non-stop since he actually caught his first mouse.  Seriously.  I've been mousing since long before he was born. 

Wren: That just makes you old.  Yes, I did catch a mouse. Not just one but TWO, mice, two nights in a row 'cuz I'm amazing like that.  

[Yeah, it was dead before he stole it.  So heroic.]

Ru: Uh huh.  You didn't mention the first time you "caught" a mouse.  My kitten, Paige, caught the tiny thing first and put it in a dish. Then you stole it, chewed on it, and lost it. It was still alive. 

Wren: To be fair, I didn't know it was real.  Had to test it. 

Ru: Yeah, right. Well, what about the time you stole the dead mouse from Dude just to show that you were such a great mouser?  

Wren: I AM such a great mouser.  Two in a row.  So there.  

[Look at that boy, so proud of his catch.]

Ru: And then, you "caught" that one mouse. 

Wren: I didn't take that one from another cat, so I caught it fair and square. 

[And here's the rest of the story.]

Ru: Yeah. But it had already been caught. By a mousetrap. Such a genius hunter. So smooth. HAHAHA!

Wren: I don't see you catching mice. 

[My second kitten, showing how mousing is done.  I claimed her, but I did NOT claim Wren.]

Ru: That's because I catch them before you notice me.  That's how good I am. I caught that one just to prove it could be done.  Heck, even Little One-Eyed Wonder with her goofy nose that can't smell right caught one before you did  HA! 

Wren:  Two.  In a row. 

Ru:  Which Dude then stole from you.  'Cuz you stole his. Karma's not your friend. And don't get me started on the one you threw on that person, who then had to take care of it for you.  

[A dead mouse can outsmart Wren.]

Wren: Shut up.  My enthusiasm got the better of me. 

Ru: So did the mice. And the real hunters around you.  Maybe I should let you stick around here.  I can always use a good laugh.