Jungle Gym! Mine!

[Someone got to my tree and baubles first.]

Ruru the Cat here.  I came out of my super-secret private room (yeah, the adult humans call it their bedroom, but I know the truth.)  And there, almost up to the ceiling, was a brand new, fresh jungle gym.  To you, it looks like a tree.  Pine, maybe. But it smells like plastic.  And by the time I got into it, it already smelled like cat.  Dude AND Chonk, which means they beat me to it, dangit. I could tell SOMEONE had beat me to it because there were bits and baubles from it thrown EVERYWHERE. 

 

[Me in MY jungle gym] 

But when I came out of my room, it was empty. Well, except the shiny, dangly baubles that are clearly meant to be cat toys.  Anything that exciting and shiny and dangly can ONLY be a cat toy.  So I climbed up inside, and it felt like home.  There was no evil Silvy or Cass, the cats that claimed it a couple of years ago.  Especially that mean, old Silvy who wouldn't let any of us touch it.  I climbed straight up those branches and happily batted at EVERYTHING. It was AMAZING. 

[The competition chases me out, in spite of my best growling.

For about five minutes.  Then, the dorsal tails of my competition moved in.  I didn't even see them before I smelled them because I was so happy with my beautiful jungle gym.  Those two new kittens came closer and closer.  I growled to try to keep them away, but they wouldn't be stopped.  And they're a little scary, especially in pairs. And they're almost always in pairs.  

[Back to my tree.  Grr.]

I finally had to flee to my cat tree, the one that already smells like me.  I feel safe there, protected because Maya and Dude, the two scariest cats in the house, leave it alone.  They don't even try to get up there.  The kittens will hop up there whenever they feel like it and even sometimes chase me down.  But mostly, I can protect my turf.  Because it's safely mine.  

[Don't they know it's mine?]

And, of course, they sniffed my beautiful jungle gym, and the bigger, stripy brat, Wren, even explored it a bit.  Now, I have to wait 'til none of the other seven lurk there.  And even then, I will hesitate to go there because all cats in the house have already marked it as their own.  It's just not fair.  'Cuz it's MY jungle gym.  The people clearly set it up just for me.  'Cuz it's mine.  No touchie.  

Tunnel Vision

[The old tunnel-not my thing.]

Ruru the Cat here.  So we had this tunnel for a while that was super popular around here, with cats fighting over it and through it and bouncing in and out of it.  I really don't get the charm because I have my tree.  Others fight me for my cat tree, but it's really mine.  I have to sometimes remind upstarts like Wren or Phoenix that it's my spot, but it really is.  I will beat anyone that thinks otherwise.  

[Not my thing.]

But the original, white one disappeared.  Now, we have this bigger one with three sides, and the humans had to put catnip in it to get cats to start playing with it.  If anything, it's even less interesting than the other one.  The other cats do play with it, but that's their problem.  I'd much rather sit on my tree because it gives me a chance to smell those turkey smells from the oven with no interference.  The one thing that did make it interesting, a dangly thing, at one end got yanked off, hauled away, and killed.  I just don't get the charm.  

[Finally. Something worth leaving this perch for.]

But I've heard rumors of something better still coming next week, my jungle gym, that green, tree-looking thing that shows up once a year.  It gets dangly baubles on it we can kill.  It gets paper-covered stuff under it we can shred. That's the stuff I look forward to.  I'd even leave my cat tree for it.  Those kittens better not get to it first.  It's mine.  

All Hail the "Great" Hunter

[Wren's oh-so-glorious mouse and how little I think of it.]

Ru the Cat here.  So a certain lame puffball who likes to call himself a cat has become insufferable.  He's been bragging non-stop since he actually caught his first mouse.  Seriously.  I've been mousing since long before he was born. 

Wren: That just makes you old.  Yes, I did catch a mouse. Not just one but TWO, mice, two nights in a row 'cuz I'm amazing like that.  

[Yeah, it was dead before he stole it.  So heroic.]

Ru: Uh huh.  You didn't mention the first time you "caught" a mouse.  My kitten, Paige, caught the tiny thing first and put it in a dish. Then you stole it, chewed on it, and lost it. It was still alive. 

Wren: To be fair, I didn't know it was real.  Had to test it. 

Ru: Yeah, right. Well, what about the time you stole the dead mouse from Dude just to show that you were such a great mouser?  

Wren: I AM such a great mouser.  Two in a row.  So there.  

[Look at that boy, so proud of his catch.]

Ru: And then, you "caught" that one mouse. 

Wren: I didn't take that one from another cat, so I caught it fair and square. 

[And here's the rest of the story.]

Ru: Yeah. But it had already been caught. By a mousetrap. Such a genius hunter. So smooth. HAHAHA!

Wren: I don't see you catching mice. 

[My second kitten, showing how mousing is done.  I claimed her, but I did NOT claim Wren.]

Ru: That's because I catch them before you notice me.  That's how good I am. I caught that one just to prove it could be done.  Heck, even Little One-Eyed Wonder with her goofy nose that can't smell right caught one before you did  HA! 

Wren:  Two.  In a row. 

Ru:  Which Dude then stole from you.  'Cuz you stole his. Karma's not your friend. And don't get me started on the one you threw on that person, who then had to take care of it for you.  

[A dead mouse can outsmart Wren.]

Wren: Shut up.  My enthusiasm got the better of me. 

Ru: So did the mice. And the real hunters around you.  Maybe I should let you stick around here.  I can always use a good laugh.  

Scary Smells

[Me]

Phoenix: Hi. I'm not Ru. Ru the Cat is lots and lots bigger than me. And she's kinda scary 'cuz she's sometimes mean.  She said I could talk her 'cuz she said "don't wanna." This week, a scary thing happened. My people put me in a box that smelled like dogs then into a bigger, louder, smellier box. I didn't understand. My person tried to hold me, but the smaller box felt safer.  

[Fine. Wake me up.]

Ru here.  Fine.  Make me write. Yeah, you should be scared. I'm bigger and meaner and gonna stay that way. You just stay small so at least someone stays smaller than me. What she means is she was put in one of the dog carriers and put in a car.  Yeah, that sucks.  Hate it when that happens.  Feel all sorts of betrayed. It's all because humans don't get we cats rule the world. Okay, squirt, go for it. 

[Big, scary building-source]

Phoenix:  Then, they took me into a bigger, scarier, smeller building, kind of like my house but scary.  They poked something into me, and I went to sleep. When I woke up, I was groggy and didn't feel very good.  But there were smells and sounds that made me growl 'cuz it was so scary.  

[This is not a happy face.]

Ru: Yeah, I'm sure those animals at the vet were terrified of your sad, sorry little growl. We all go through that. We go to sleep feeling fine, like we're whole and everything and wake up missing some part of us, like we're broken.  I don't get how they call that "getting fixed."  We were FINE before. We weren't broken at all.  What are they fixing, anyway?  Humans are weird. 

[I'd rather be drenched and at home than suffer this again]

Phoenix:  I was just so happy to see my person's daddy.  Then, I was excited to go into that little smelly box and the big, smelly, loud box with wheels 'cuz it meant I was one step closer to home.  I came out, and there were my people, waiting for me. My person. And she held me, and nothing else mattered. I was so happy to be home. 

Ru: My person. She was mine first.  I guess it's okay you're back. Our person was so sad without you.  I guess you can stay. But only if you stay smaller than me.  

Chest Burster

[Good riddance, annoying little beasties.]

 Ruru the Cat here.  I was going to tell you all about how wonderful it is to have my house to myself again.  Sort of.  Anyway, the kittens are gone. The people packed them up and hauled them off.  Said something about another foster home, whatever that means.  Dunno where, but it's much quieter around here, which is all that's important.  There are still seven of us, WAAAY too many cats when I'm all the awesomeness you need. And with me around, I don't see the point of the dogs.  So I was set to tell you about how nice upon the ears and the nose that those kittens are gone, but Beanie insists that he has to tell you about something he did.  As if that could possibly be more important than what I have to say.  Anyway, he won't leave me alone until I let him have it, so here he is.  Try not to die of boredom. 

[This is me!]

Hi hi hi!  I'm Bean!  Also called Beanie or Mr. Bean or Beanie Boo or I forget what, but I'm an amazing Pomeranian! Everyone should be a Pomeranian like me, 'cuz it's amazing!  I jump all over the place with all my energy and play with my doggie mama and my buddy, Wren the kitten, and my person and all the people who will play with me! My favorite spot in the world is my person mommy's shoulder.  

[Good grief. I'm secretly rolling my eyes.]

Ru: Yes, we got all that, though no one really wants to be a dog, let alone a lint-on-a-leash hairball like you. What were you so excited to talk about RIGHT NOW that you had to steal my blog? And can you cool it with the exclamation points?

[Me, figuring out this Halloween stuff!]

Bean: Right!  Everybody wants to hear about my Halloween adventure!  When my person mommy puts on her shoes, I know she's gonna take me on a walk, every time!  Except she doesn't!  Sometimes, she makes me stay home!  And I am so SAD!  This time, I jumped on her shoulder, and she forgot to take me off!  So she let me come!  We drove up a little ways to houses, my person, her mate, and her human boy. They joined my favorite neighbors, so I got all excited and jumped all over them! Everybody was wearing weird stuff, like weird hats and coverings for their body that I've never seen before!  

[I can smell him. There's a human under that plastic mask.]

Ru: Those are called Halloween costumes, and everybody kept saying how they were going trick-or-treating, whatever that meant.  None of it makes any sense to me, but I did hear about them. 

[Watch me burst out of Mommy's jacket.]

Bean: Best of all, my person took me everywhere!  It was amazing!  I got to ride in my person's jacket!  I got to meet some people who petted me and didn't steal me away from my person or anything! And they took us to this place with lots of people and gave me bits of meat.  It was GREAT!

[Nothing scary or interesting about Halloween or Halloween cats. Except Maya. She's terrifying.]

Ru: So you burst out of her chest and ate meat.  Okay, that part sounds okay.  It's the rest of it, like going outside, that wouldn't work for me.  And people. Especially people.  I don't understand the appeal of this dumb holiday. I mean, I hear it glorifies black cats. I get stuck with black cats all day, every day. There's nothing special about them because they're not me.  Then again, I don't understand the appeal of dogs, either, so I guess that mess called Halloween and dogs belong together. 

The Evil Thing

[Nature's meanest prank: kittens.]

 Ruru the Cat here. My people think they're so very funny. They're all pranksters. Like I told you, the human mom brought home a pile of mewling, obnoxious kittens to chase us all around and ask if we're mommy, even the grumpy dog, Dodger. Okay, so that's the funny part. They'll flock him when the human mom around here is not available and try to nurse. Or they'll chase around growly, hissy, old Maya. That, too, is funny. But when they do it to me, it stops being funny. I told you all about that last week. AND they're still HERE. Seriously. Enough of that prank is enough.  

[A slice of heaven from that sandwich. Source]

Well, the human dad around here is also a prankster as it turns out. I was the first to stand by him to inform him that I wanted to generously and kindly help him eat his sandwich. It just looked like way too much for one human to eat, especially the meat. While all the other dogs and cats stood by in envy, he offered me a bit of turkey then a bit of ham. I wolfed those down and imagined the glories that were to come. Next, he gave me a piece of bread. Now, I'm a big fan of bread. I've torn through bags to get to it. I knew the meat and bread were bound to lead to delectable cheese and whatever else was on that sandwich. 

[The foul, nasty vegetable thing that was creeping around that slice of heaven. Someone called it an onion, but it looks like the devil's claw.]

How is this a prank, you ask? Well, next, instead of cheese, came a weird bit of smelliness. I bit into it, expecting it to be something yummy. But the odors and flavors that came off that thing will scar me forevermore.  I don't even know what it is, but it is the foulest thing my tongue ever touched. Not funny, people. Not funny. It was pretty good when the dog, Bean, got it next, and he spat it out. This dumb dog eats GARBAGE, and he rejected this thing. His breath smelled for hours after. But, really, humans, enough of these pranks. No more kittens. No more nasty food. 

Are You My Mother?

[I do NOT approve of this mad house of kittens.]

Ruru the Cat here. The dumb kittens keep pestering us all and whine all the time, even though I can smell they get the good stuff, the soft, meaty food and the milk. When they have leftovers, the dogs scarf it all before we cats can so much as sniff it.  It's time those vermin left my house.  I wonder if I can childproof my house, making it so no more annoying kittens show up when they're not welcome.  Anyway, they wanted to whine at you for a while, so I figured I'd let you suffer, too.  

[Both cow babies look like this.]

Sock: we were in a box waiting for mommy and people took us away and then fed us milk and it was great but now we don't get milk but have to eat squishy food in a dish and sometimes only sometimes get milk and now they're making us eat hard food and water and i don't like it and want my milk back.  

Loch Ness: uh huh what she said. i like the soft food and keep climbing my new person mommy to ask for some but she just puts us by the dish. i want my milk back.  

Ruru: Seriously, are you two fluffy butts really kittens?  You look more like black and white cows. Make your own milk. 

[And the three dwarf Halloween cats, kind of like ours but even more annoying.]

Big Foot: can i have milk too? 

Mothman: me too oooh, me!

Sasquatch: i like water and kibble and soft food and hard food and milk and all the food. i like it all. 

Ruru: Child after my own heart.  Well, you would be, but I don't like kids.

[Yeah, we don't need you, kitten. We have one just like you but bigger and a cyclops.]

Jersey Devil: i'm gonna keep climbing my mommy with my claws until she gives me the good stuff.  might bite her too. 

Ruru: I'm thinking they named you just right. 'Course, in my mind, you're all little devils. When the people wouldn't give them milk anymore, just that soft, yummy food from a dish, they started begging for milk wherever they could. 

[No, I am not your mother.]

[No, that one isn't either. She's a mom but not yours.]

[Now, it's getting ridiculous. That dog is male.]

Ruru: You see why I want them out of my house. They eat all the good food and our people's time and can't even capitalize words. Anybody want a kitten?  Take them!  They're yours.