The Evil Thing

[Nature's meanest prank: kittens.]

 Ruru the Cat here. My people think they're so very funny. They're all pranksters. Like I told you, the human mom brought home a pile of mewling, obnoxious kittens to chase us all around and ask if we're mommy, even the grumpy dog, Dodger. Okay, so that's the funny part. They'll flock him when the human mom around here is not available and try to nurse. Or they'll chase around growly, hissy, old Maya. That, too, is funny. But when they do it to me, it stops being funny. I told you all about that last week. AND they're still HERE. Seriously. Enough of that prank is enough.  

[A slice of heaven from that sandwich. Source]

Well, the human dad around here is also a prankster as it turns out. I was the first to stand by him to inform him that I wanted to generously and kindly help him eat his sandwich. It just looked like way too much for one human to eat, especially the meat. While all the other dogs and cats stood by in envy, he offered me a bit of turkey then a bit of ham. I wolfed those down and imagined the glories that were to come. Next, he gave me a piece of bread. Now, I'm a big fan of bread. I've torn through bags to get to it. I knew the meat and bread were bound to lead to delectable cheese and whatever else was on that sandwich. 

[The foul, nasty vegetable thing that was creeping around that slice of heaven. Someone called it an onion, but it looks like the devil's claw.]

How is this a prank, you ask? Well, next, instead of cheese, came a weird bit of smelliness. I bit into it, expecting it to be something yummy. But the odors and flavors that came off that thing will scar me forevermore.  I don't even know what it is, but it is the foulest thing my tongue ever touched. Not funny, people. Not funny. It was pretty good when the dog, Bean, got it next, and he spat it out. This dumb dog eats GARBAGE, and he rejected this thing. His breath smelled for hours after. But, really, humans, enough of these pranks. No more kittens. No more nasty food. 

Are You My Mother?

[I do NOT approve of this mad house of kittens.]

Ruru the Cat here. The dumb kittens keep pestering us all and whine all the time, even though I can smell they get the good stuff, the soft, meaty food and the milk. When they have leftovers, the dogs scarf it all before we cats can so much as sniff it.  It's time those vermin left my house.  I wonder if I can childproof my house, making it so no more annoying kittens show up when they're not welcome.  Anyway, they wanted to whine at you for a while, so I figured I'd let you suffer, too.  

[Both cow babies look like this.]

Sock: we were in a box waiting for mommy and people took us away and then fed us milk and it was great but now we don't get milk but have to eat squishy food in a dish and sometimes only sometimes get milk and now they're making us eat hard food and water and i don't like it and want my milk back.  

Loch Ness: uh huh what she said. i like the soft food and keep climbing my new person mommy to ask for some but she just puts us by the dish. i want my milk back.  

Ruru: Seriously, are you two fluffy butts really kittens?  You look more like black and white cows. Make your own milk. 

[And the three dwarf Halloween cats, kind of like ours but even more annoying.]

Big Foot: can i have milk too? 

Mothman: me too oooh, me!

Sasquatch: i like water and kibble and soft food and hard food and milk and all the food. i like it all. 

Ruru: Child after my own heart.  Well, you would be, but I don't like kids.

[Yeah, we don't need you, kitten. We have one just like you but bigger and a cyclops.]

Jersey Devil: i'm gonna keep climbing my mommy with my claws until she gives me the good stuff.  might bite her too. 

Ruru: I'm thinking they named you just right. 'Course, in my mind, you're all little devils. When the people wouldn't give them milk anymore, just that soft, yummy food from a dish, they started begging for milk wherever they could. 

[No, I am not your mother.]

[No, that one isn't either. She's a mom but not yours.]

[Now, it's getting ridiculous. That dog is male.]

Ruru: You see why I want them out of my house. They eat all the good food and our people's time and can't even capitalize words. Anybody want a kitten?  Take them!  They're yours. 

Kittinvasion!

[My first mistake--letting this kitten live]

Ruru the Cat here.  We have more vermin. And I'm not just talking about the mouse. Those are fun. I can kill those.  My people won't let me touch these.  I'm talking about the K-word.  I HATE kittens. With a capital H-A-T-E.  I've told you before.  I let my people bring in one set. Not that they asked me, but suddenly, I had a kitten I was stuck with. I was okay with her. I licked her ears to show I was in charge, didn't I?  I didn't kill her, did I?  That was my first mistake. 

[Another kitten worm that has taken over my house, my room, and my person.]

Because then, my irresponsible humans brought in another set and another set and another set. They have periodically have kept one. Without even asking my permission. The nerve. Honestly. We went from one to two to three to four kittens kept just in a little over a year.  This is nuts!  

[What the pests look like when they're big enough to challenge you.]

Sunday, I was minding my own business when another army of pests showed up. I tried to hide in my special hidey-hole, the underwear drawer.  Mostly, I hide there to avoid the kittens who have gotten big enough to take my place and my food and chase me around. My people have all sorts of snide jokes about the kittens and my hidey-hole.  But that's okay.  It's my special hidey-hole, and it's comfortable.  But just at the wrong moment, when those beasties showed up, my people hauled out my hidey-hole.  I had nowhere to go to escape. 

[See me being merciful and not taking out the newest hairballs.]

Now, even hiding in my new hidey-hole, I smell them. I hear them.  Sometimes, they even invade places where I want to be.  They eat yummy food and milk that should be mine.  My people call them "foster kittens," which I hope means they plan on getting rid of them soon, so I don't have to.  Too much work, and I'd get in trouble.  I wish my people would remember whose house this is. Seriously. 

Wet Cyclops Rat

[The annoying, one-eyed kitten, letting my person hold her.]

Ruru the Cat here. I would have given good money--not that I have any or understand exactly what it's for--to watch what happened yesterday. But I was taking a nap. While I was asleep, that dumb kitten jumped up to get my water from my dish, and she fell into the tub. The full tub. She tore out of there, drenched from the neck down. It was amazing! I only got to see the drenched kitten, not the moment that made it happen.  Maybe I should let her share what happened.  

[I like the tub water. source]

So I figured out how to get up on the tub. It took me a long time. I used to have to have people grab me and put me up there. I don't like being short.  Anyway, so that warm water in the tub looked amazing. Way better than the stuff in the dish. I wanted it. 

[This is me, Phoenix the one-eyed wonder. I hate being wet.]

But when I leaned in, I fell in. That was super duper scary. I jumped out and ran, but the water was everywhere, all over me. I had to clean it all off. Nobody would help me. I don't want that to happen ever again. Water is bad.          

[Look at that rat tail. Amazing!]

Snurfle. Sorry. I was just laughing too hard to stop her from talking. Best moment of my week. Now, you know why that water is mine, not hers. Unlike her, I don't fall in 'cuz I'm a big girl. Dude and Chonk, quit laughing.  My water.  Don't mess with it, or you, too, will fall in and look like a ridiculous wet rat.                                                                                                         

Fun (or not) with Mice

[My favorite kind of toy: source]

Ruru the Cat here.  So about a while ago, I found me a mouse. It was a chunky little toy.  I was so proud of myself.  I was going to spend all afternoon bonding with it, showing off to all the other cats exactly how awesome I am.  Except then, I looked away for just a second.  I forget why.  And suddenly, that big ol' brat, Dude stole it.  He gets all the fun.  

[My kitten-she used to be a quarter my size, but now, she's bigger than me.]

Meanwhile, I hear my kitten, who isn't so tiny anymore, nabbed a little bitty mouse about the size of her mouse toys upstairs.  Who knew she had it in her?  I hear she stuck it in her food dish just to teach the tiny thing where mice belong.  Amazing. Except, then, she lost it to Wren and the itty bitty kitten.  He had it nearly wiped off the map when he lost it in some clothing. The human mom had to deal with it. Seriously?  Cat fail. I could've done better.

[The mousetrap: An insult to cats everywhere-source]

Then, today, the dad found a mouse and tried to send me after it. But he didn't make it clear what I was supposed to be doing, so it got away.  He set a wooden trap.  A wooden trap?  What an insult.  Just because I missed one mouse once.  Just to show how he's soooo much better than me, Dude meanwhile caught a little bitty one.  Really?  And he didn't even share.  Mice around here are supposed to be mine.  But nobody acknowledges my awesome self or that I'm queen of mice and house.  It's just not fair.     

The Things I Do for Meat

[See me sharing my spot?  I'm amazing.]

Ruru the Cat here.  I make a lot of sacrifices.  I'm seriously a saint.  I already told you I decided to let the kitten live, even though she and the other kittens took over my room.  I sometimes let the dogs eat their own food.  I sometimes have to share my cat tree.  I haven't killed anyone yet.  I let my people pet other animals because I don't have a choice. Then, I let them pet me, even though it means they then make me smell like dogs and obnoxious cats. Even my worst enemy, Maya. You see what I mean.  I'm a SAINT.  

[Watch me ignore Wren instead of kill him.]

Well, this last week, my humans were passing out little pieces of meat.  I even patiently waited for them to eat some before I started begging. Then, of course, I sat on a chair nearby to make sure they knew I was kindly offering to take some off their hands.  I'm helpful like that. Wren, the oversized kitten even humans call the adorable jerk, sat by me, and I didn't kill him, even though I wanted to.  He's almost my size, but I could take him.  But I didn't.  So I could get meat. 

[Look at all of the dogs stealing me meat. Yet I still didn't kill them.]

But then, I had to tolerate a sea of annoying dogs that stole wayyy too much of it. And the other cats.  We were an army, which meant I didn't get much of it, just little bits.  And I didn't kill anyone.  You see what I mean?  I'm practically an angel.  Be impressed.  

My Red Dot!

 

[My dot] 

I'm Ruru the Cat.  I have claimed the red dot, you know, the one that comes from that thing humans call a laser pointer?  It's mine.  I like it.  I haven't figured out how to catch it, but I will one day.  That makes it mine and only mine.  I know, you say, why haven't you marked it?  Well, I've tried, but it won't hold still for very long.  When I try, the carpet smells like me, but the dot disappears.  It's a powerful force, which is why I like it so much. 

[Someone stealing my dot.]

Meanwhile, everyone keeps muscling in on my racket.  They haven't figured out the dot is mine yet, which shows they're not too bright.  The kitten, for instance, seems to think she has the right to chase my dot.  She's obviously wrong.  But I was happy to see she couldn't catch it, either.  

[Bean claiming my dot.]

The one and only fuzzy thing around here that I will defer to is that annoying dog, Bean.  Mostly because he's a bossy jerk.  I mean, I'm way bigger.  You'd think I wouldn't have to let him have it.  But he's meaner than me, so I let him have it because I'm nice.  But if any of the rest of you want my dot, you'll have to get through me.  And I have teeth and cattitude.  My dot.  Mine.