A Few of My Favorite Things

[The tiny elephant in the room I'm ignoring.]

Ruru the Cat here.  I'm done complaining about that annoying kitten.  There's nothing I can do about the fact that my people are absolute cat addicts and just don't know how to worship only the most important one, me.  I mean, if they knew how to worship me properly, they definitely wouldn't think they needed other cats or dogs.  They'd still give me their food but without the annoyance of the actual dogs or other cats.  

[Everybody is my buddy!]

Varya: I like dogs and cats! Except the grouchy old lady. 

[One of those dumb fake mice]

Ruru: Ignoring that. Except you're right about Maya. Anyway, so, I decided to be super positive this time.  Mostly because Toothless keeps teasing me about my justifiable complaints.  I'm going to talk about all the things I love.  Like chasing mice. Not the toys like stupid Megachonk, aka Dude, likes so much he can't get enough of chasing them around then acts like he doesn't when someone looks at him.  Not those.  REAL mice.  They're amazing. 

[My first real mouse!]

Varya: I like mice, too.  Someone handed me one this week!  It was great! 

Ruru: This is my blog about me, not you.  I'm trying to be all chipper and stuff, so you stay out of it.  Besides, you only ever played with a pre-dead one. That's as much your mouse as silly Wren's when it was ATTACHED to the trap. You don't know real mice.  I also like dog food and Meow Mix, not just any old kibble.  The stuff in the yellow bag.  

Varya:  I like that stuff, too!  And I'll claw the crap out of anyone who holds chicken and bread and other yummies from me!

[Me ignoring the thing that steals my food.]

Ruru:  Hey, that's my line!  And my bread!  And my chicken.  And my blog.  Who are you kidding?  You'll eat anything like a piranha in fur.  

[My cat tree!]

Varya: And I like the cat tree!  It's so great!  

Ruru:  That's MY cat tree!  It's my safe space to chase my tail and hide from Maya.  It's not YOUR cat tree.  And this is not YOUR blog, so can you stop already? 

[My spot!]

Varya: And I really like the underwear drawer and the people's bedroom.  They're both so great and so comfy and safe! 

Ruru:  But they were mine first!  Seriously, kid, I thought I liked you.  This was my house first.  Mine.  The people here are just borrowing it from me.  Seriously.  

Varya:  This blogging stuff is fun.  When can we do it again? 

Ruru: ARGH! 

The Not-so-hostile Takeover

[They call it cat rag. I don't know about cat, but we can agree on rag.]

Ruru the Cat here.  That kitten has taken over my house.  You'd think there were 25 of them.  She has the humans wrapped around her little paws.  It's hard for me to get attention anymore, and it bugs me.  I used to sneak into their room in the morning and get all the attention, but the kitten will get in there, too.  I try to stand guard and growl, but she sneaks around.

[She won't even let him sleep.]

Granted, she also keeps the annoying puppy busy.  That's nice.  It means he's not bugging me.  Granted, the dogs also let her steal their food that should be mine.  

[My dumb brother is just not picky about the company he keeps.]

She also will snuggle and play with the bigger black cats, but they have no taste.  Maya, at least, will hiss or growl at her if she gets too close.  Then again, she does that with everybody. 

[My person giving her my love.]

My person even lets her in her room sometimes with the other kittens who have taken over my room.  She has my person wrapped, too.  

[That thing in my face.]

Varya: Hi hi hi!  I'm the kitten.  I like Ru.  She's amazing. And I like dogs and cats 'cuz they're fun. And I'll tear you apart for bread and meat and cheese and chips and popcorn but not yogurt!  Love me, cuz I wanna be your best friend!  

[Here she is, even stealing my secret hidey-hole.  At least she knows a good thing when she sees it,]

Ru:  Well, I agree with some of that.  You're not all bad.  It's a good thing I like you, too, or I'd have to throw you into the snow.  

Varya: Snow?  What's that? 

Ru: Mess with me, and you'll learn.  Welcome to the family, kid.  

Happy New What?

[They took my jungle gym.]

Ruru the Cat here.  Humans are weird.  First, they put up my lovely, green jungle gym full of dangly, shiny stuff, then they take it down a little while later.  They put out these blinky lights outside my house, so we could chase them in the window, then they turned them off and put them away. They also stuck stuff with highly rippable paper under my jungle gym and covered it in plastic, so we couldn't even sharpen our claws properly on it.  I just don't understand that at all.  

[My weird brother licking plastic.]

Then, they put up a whole table full of munchies like cheese and crackers and stuff and said happy new year, like it's not the same old everything except they took away my jungle gym.  And though some of the cats got to lick the plastic on the munchies (weirdos!) the rest of us didn't get more than a morsel or two.  Except the new kitten baby, who got special privileges because the adult male seems to like her better than the rest of us.  And they do all this every year.  I can't figure it out. 

[Stalking the munchies.]

All I can say is humans are strange. But I'll keep them around as long as they throw me bits of ham and cheese on occasion.  That almost makes up for being such odd and misbehaved pets.  

How to Survive Toddlergeddon!

[The hairball doesn't understand.]    

Ru: Ruru the Cat here.  You know the scariest thing about the descent of Toddlergeddon on my nice, quiet house?  The toddlers get BIGGER.  Second scariest is that it happens without warning or sign.  Poof, there they are, running through, throwing stuff everywhere, mixing cat food and water, filling the cat water with dish soap, and chasing us down.  Poor Toothless was cornered upstairs, trying to squeeze in the inch under the door to get in my person's room with Phoenix, Wren, and Paige.  They hid out because it was the safest place to be, other than where I hid in the adult people's room.  Everybody else huddled downstairs, hoping the storm would blow by soon.  

[Run, dumb floof.  Oh, too late.]

Except the dumb little gray hairball.  She didn't know any better, didn't get she needed to flee while she had a chance.  And those toddlers, even the big one that's almost half the size of a human hauled her around EVERYWHERE.  The little one kept wanting to squeeze her like a mouse, reminding the rest of us why we were hiding.  You may as well hear about the pain and suffering from the annoying little hairball. 

[They brought toddlers AND Beanie's obnoxious sister that I thought was gone for good.]

Varya: Hi. I'm Varya or Wolf or Kitten. Not sure. I'm a vicious monster who's scary and can kill anybody.  Ru, why are you laughing?  I am.  I'm big and mean and scary. 

[I miss my sisters.]

I came from my mommy to my new house with my sisters.  I showed everyone how big and mean and scary I was by standing up on the tallest thing I could find and growling at everyone.  Are you laughing again, Ru?  Anyway, so my sisters and me, we played and played and played until they disappeared.  I was sad and lonely.  I'm not sure where they went or if they're coming back. 

[He's the first to be my buddy here.]

Now, I gotta try to make friends here. The little doggie likes me.  He plays with me sometimes. I finally made friends with the big gray one with stripes.  Wren or murder floof.  Not sure what his name is, but he's my best friend. Everybody else thinks I'm okay, but the people love me.  They pet me, and I purr and purr and scream to leave and then chew through anyone when I smell food.  I'm lovable and great.  Ru, stop laughing.  

[The toddlers have gotten bigger and scarier.]

Ru, what were those big things that attacked my house?  I don't get what just happened. 

Ru: We call them toddlers.  We don't really know what they are except monsters.  Did you see the rest of us the whole time they were here?  I mean, besides the traitor, Maya? 

Varya: Well, no.

 

[Toddlers come in a stunning array of shapes and sizes--worse yet, I hear a new one is coming.]

Ru: Exactly.  You'll figure it out.  

Varya: Anyway, those toddler monsters showed up and hauled me around and held me too tight and petted me and wouldn't give me to the nice people who wouldn't squeeze me.  It was scary.  But then, they were gone, and it was okay.  

[I don't like being wet!]

Then, just when it was me and the nice people, they put me in a big white tub thing and sprayed me with water and smelly stuff, and I was wet and cold.  They snuggled me and blew at me with a machine thing. It was scary.  But now, everything is peaceful and happy.  Ru, this is my story. Stop laughing at these scary things. I mean it, or else I'll be mean to you. 

Ru:  HAHAHAHA!  Wow, that's funny.  Little hairball thinks she's so big and scary but can't even avoid toddlers or a bath.  That's pretty hilarious.  Little one, I've killed mice bigger than you. 

[The mixed bag that is Christmas.]

This Christmas stuff is such a weird mixed bag.  They bring out our awesome jungle gym with dangly stuff to play with and soft paper to shred.  They give us yummy-smelling catnip toys with feathers and new snacks but then bring home baby kittens and toddlers.  Not sure if I like it or not.  

Forgot One

 

[Look at this kitten, stealing my attention.  Good riddance.]

Ruru the Cat here!  Woohoo!  Earlier this week, my people disappeared with one of those annoying kittens, and the kitten didn't return!  Poof, like magic!  I was so excited.  It looked like my kitten but sure didn't smell like her.  I was delighted to see one disappear.  One down, three to go.  Merry Christmas to me. 

[Goodbye, plagues to my existence.]

Then, a couple of days ago, my people disappeared with two of the annoying kittens in a box.  I held my breath the whole time, except when I was napping.  And guess what!  They came back without the little tan one or the dark gray one!  I could have thrown a party.  It was AMAZING!  Wish granted!  I'm so looking forward to having my quiet life with just seven cats, the ones that know how to respect me.  By that, I mean fear me.  'Cuz that's how I like it.  I may be small, but the smart cats (read: NOT Maya.  Or kittens.) don't mess with me. 

[They missed one. Maybe they confused the two gray ones and didn't realize they both needed to go away.]

I'm waiting for them to figure out they still have one here.  Come on, people.  You have me.  You definitely don't need the other six.  And you definitely DEFINITELY don't need another little annoying furball.  But I watch the adult male human goo over this little beast like he hasn't over ANY kittens.  Calls her his little wolf.  He's tried with other kittens, but this one actually melts in his hands.  And she follows around the human adult female, the one I've claimed when my real person is upstairs.  And that human female also melts for this little patch of fur.  And even the human juvenile male likes her.  

[Note there are two kittens in this pic, and they both need to go because they're sucking up my attention and my lap.]

Worst of all, my person loves her, too. She already has three big kittens, mine and the two I hate, all claiming what used to be my room and my human.  They do NOT need another little fuzzling in there, growing up to take over.  Please tell me all these other cats are wasting their time, embracing her, especially Wren.  Please tell me my people are not going to be letting this beast stay without my permission.  Seriously.  

How to Get Rid of Your Enemies

[How to get rid of your enemy--I have a plan.]

Ruru the Cat here.  Anyone want one grumpy, old cat?  I'd really like to get rid of her.  Not kidding. She chases me around and hisses. 

[When your pet peeve hisses at your pettier peeve.] 

And it's not just her I'd like to get rid of.  I've been competing all week with those dang fluff balls.  Just smelling them makes me grumpy.  They take my food, my dog water, my hands for love.  The very air I breathe and even my cat tree are heavy with kitten smells.  I just don't get the appeal.  

[My archenemy.  I'm Ruru the Cat, and I approve that sticker.]

However, there were a few highlights.  Like when the big human male put the 90% off sticker on Maya.  For one beautiful moment, I was sure we were getting rid of her.  Then, he laughed and took it off.  Dangit.  I'd make her 100% off and pay four kittens to get rid of her.  

[Sad, sorry rats in the tub.]

Also, it was great fun to watch the kittens get it in the bathtub.  They shrunk from big poofs to little rats.  I could have fallen off my perch, laughing.

[See?  Even the big, poofy Dodger becomes a twig.]

Better still, the dogs got it next.  It was also great fun to watch the poofy dogs become scrawny twigs with eyeballs, too.  Man, that was almost the best moment of my week.  

[And the kittens came back. Dang.]

The true best moment, though, was twice when my people hauled the kittens out of the house.  Twice, I was sure they were gone forever.  But twice, those dumb kittens showed up again, all four, screaming and killing and smelling up my house.  Dangit.  Why do the people around here keep getting my hopes up only to throw them out the window?  People.  They're almost as bad as dogs.  And kittens.  

Now, It's Getting Ridiculous

[Hiding over here.]

Ruru the Cat here.  Seriously.  I was looking forward to a quiet time with all my people around to give me attention and love.  Remember that I'm the only cat that matters, so I figured when my people take this big break they keep talking about, I'd get all the love I could handle.  

[Watch Wren hiss.]

Well, crap.  Now, my people have brought home ANOTHER batch of annoying kittens.  It's hard to believe.  Even Wren and Phoenix, the kittens of the house, are crazy annoyed and frustrated.  

[Nope]

Old lady Maya was the first to hiss at them, though I wasn't far behind.  I just don't get where my people are finding this kitten portal.  It's not like we have any cats that can even produce kittens.  They'll just disappear for a few minutes, and suddenly, kazing, they've got more annoying furballs.  

[A new set of furballs dominating over my house and my people.]

And these ones are bigger hairballs than most, covered in wayyyy too much fur.  It's hard to see the cat under all that fur.  I'm seriously done with this joke.  These humans better get rid of those kittens fast, or I'm getting rid of the humans, so I can have my house to myself.  That's how it works, right?