The Nightmare Two Weeks Before Christmas

[This reindeer hat does not make me happy]

Ruru the Cat here.  So, my whiny brother thinks he needs my blog today.  I already HAD a Halloween kitty hijack my blog last week.  Sorta.  Do I have to?  I mean, I was going to tell you all about how my person made me suffer by putting a reindeer hat on me.  It was TERRIBLE.  It HAS to be worse than whatever Chonk Boy has to tell you.  Okay, fine.  Here's my annoying brother.  

[This door is what it felt like to be locked in--source]

I'm Toothless aka My Boy aka Chonk.  (Okay, that last one hurts a little.  Or it would if I cared what people or certain rude cats call me.)  So we were minding our own business when my person started locking cats away for hours at a time.  

Ru: Yeah, that part sucked. For all of us.  I think they wanted to see our pee.  The mom seemed particularly interested in the litter box.  All I can say is humans are weird. 

[I tolerate my brother, but there's a limit.]

Toothless:   Maybe it's because I was peeing blood.  It hurt, but I don't see how that would matter to people or why I should be imprisoned not ONE but TWO nights in the bathroom.  At least one of them, Ru was in there with me, so I wasn't totally alone.  

Ru: Being stuck in a room with just my brother for companionship.  Oh, joy.  Oh, rapture.  

[How a cat should be treated.]

Toothless:  Thanks.  You're no party, either.  Anyway, so then, it got worse.  I knew something bad would happen if I peed in that box they left for me both nights, so I didn't.  They hauled me off, anyway, in a locked little box and took me in this loud, smelly machine I've never been in somewhere that smelled like a lot of other animals.  Some human I'd never seen before and hope to never see again poked and prodded me in all sorts of unpleasant ways.  

Ru:  Yeah, that's called a vet.  I don't recommend them.  They don't respect boundaries.  And they don't seem to recognize cats rule the world. 

[The comfort I did NOT get that night.]

Toothless:  Then, my person left me.  LEFT me!  I'm supposed to walk away from her, not the other way around.  I was stuck in a cage ALL NIGHT LONG with just a box, some water, and some kibble.  Even though I cried out and tried to explain I didn't belong in a cage, they didn't let me free.  Finally, hours and hours and hours after humans came back and started wandering around, they brought me back (in another stinking cage--smelled like dog) to my person.  She didn't let free me right away.  She stuck me back in that loud, smelly machine again.  

Ru:  Oh, you mean a car?  Yeah, I hate 'em, too.  

[How I see that nasty medicine stuff.  Source]

Toothless:  I finally got home.  I felt much better except the peeing blood part.  Anyway, so now, my person tried to feed me food that smelled a little gross.  Then, she started sneaking up on me when I sleep or when I'm sitting happily on her and then, she'll shove this nasty, sticky liquid in my mouth.  It's positively disgusting.  

Ru:  Yeah, that's medicine.  Just close your mouth hard.  

Toothless:  I've tried that.  Doesn't work.  She even gets her mate to help.  It's just brutal.  If some human tries to get you to pee in a box, just run.  Not kidding.  Run.  

[Let me remind you what real suffering looks like.] 

Ru:  Oh, well, better you than me.  But it is funny to watch you trying to shake that taste out of your mouth.  Yeah, I told you the hat was worse.  Way, way worse.  Hey, quit rolling your eyes at me.  I didn't know cats could roll their eyes.  Brothers.  

I Stole Her Gym

[Me, discovering the tree for the first time.]

 Ha ha!  Mr. MeowMeow aka Quill aka Dude, kitten thief extraordinaire, first stole Ru's tree, and now, I stole her blog.  Yeah, I know, she already wrote one.  But then, she left it open.  Ru is wayyyy too uppity.  She thinks she owns the house and runs the world just because she's a cat.  Guess what?  I'm a cat, too.  Two can play at this game.  

[I'm in there somewhere, killing the sparkly baubles]

I spent all week long running up and down that awesome "jungle gym," knocking everything off I could.  I tug at one and then another, hoping to knock it off.  I was sad to see the most breakable ornaments get put back into a box.  That would have been super awesome fun to actually break stuff.  Instead, I just get to toss stuff off.  Each day, I challenge myself to toss off more stuff than I did the day before.  Tomorrow, I'll pull off the most things of all!  So, the people keep putting the things back on the tree.  It's my tree, and I will kill it!  I will keep tugging at the stubborn ones 'til they come off.  This is the best thing ever.  

[i'm not so sure of this.]

Paige:  are you sure we should, mr. meowmeow?  i mean, the people worked so hard on this tree.  they must like it the way it is.  

Me: Ah, sweet Paige, if they didn't want it to suffer, they shouldn't have made it so shiny and dangly.  They're practically begging me to dismember it.  Never have you seen a cat as happy as me.  I hope they leave this thing up all year long!  So it can die!  Again!  And again!  And again!

He Stole My Gym!

 

[MY tree-type thing]

Ruru the Cat here.  Every year, I get all excited when my people trot out that green thing that looks like a tree but doesn't smell right to be something natural.  It's plastic and fake, but it's so fascinating to all of us.  I made sure to climb that thing first thing, so everyone knows it's mine.  That worked for one of the evil cats last year.  She claimed it and chased all of us away.  But this year, I decided it was and always would be mine.  

[My sparklies!]

Then, they started putting those shiny danglies and sparkles and lights everywhere on it.  My heart thrilled with each one as I imagined killing it.  I pictured swatting it 'til it hit the ground and shattered.  I yearned for the moment that the humans would go to sleep, and that jungle gym would be all mine.  

[The upstart wants to usurp my jungle gym]

But then, those upstart kittens jumped on it and through it.  The thing shook so hard that I was sure we were having an earthquake.  I slunk back over and waited on the boring old cat tree for the shaking and shattering and swatting that should have been mine to end.  But it never ends.  He totally claimed my jungle gym.  But I got to it first.  And I'm the big sister.  They're just kittens.                                                                                     

[I'll pretend I don't notice her there.  all mine]

So I claimed that cat tree harder than ever to make sure no one gets it.  It's not the jungle gym I wanted, but at least I got a tree.  And it's mine.  Stop looking at it.  Mine.  

Too Peopley

 

[How life should be--me and one person to spoil me.]

Ruru the Cat here.  Most days are pretty quiet.  I like those days.  Sometimes I have to beat on other cats, or Maya acts like a bully and a jerk to me.  No, Mr. Meow Meow, that does not mean I'm a bully like Maya.  I'm a lot nicer than she is, and I'll swat your butt if you tell them otherwise.  Anyway, so I can usually get the love and affection I want.  It's quiet and peaceful.  I approve, except when the dogs steal my dog food, or the cats get in my face.  

[What a mess looks like--too many humans with large feet to step on cats.  Source.]

Well, today, there was a mob scene with too many people, some of whom actually tried to TOUCH me. And no one even consulted with me.  People said words like, "Happy Thanksgiving" and whatever human drivel, but they didn't ask me.  I'll let them live because they offered me turkey and cheese.  But seriously.  This is my house.  When I want people in it, I'll tell you.  But since I don't know how to speak, you'll be waiting a VERY long time.  

Tolerating My Brother

 

[Me and my tolerable brother.]

Ruru the Cat here.  With so much craziness going on in the world around me, I decided to give my brother a chance to show me he wasn't a horrible monster.  You know how brothers are.  I just got used to thinking of him as just another cat.  He gets on my nerves as much as any other cat. But recently, I've figured out he's semi-tolerable.  That's high praise for a brother.  We've snuggled some and even groomed each other.  Aren't I nice?  Maybe it was just a bout of insanity that I'd let him snuggle me.  

[Brothers are overrated.]

'Cuz the next time I tried, he attacked me.  I wasn't sure if he was being mean or trying to play.  I get that enough from the other cats around me.  Sometimes, I wish I could talk to the other cats like people do.  Then again, they'd talk back.  And I'd have to listen.  Teach me to want to be a human, even a little, or to tolerate my brother.  I just have to remind myself I'm queen of my house, queen of the world.  'Cuz I'm a cat.  

The Cone of Shame

[The kid and me.]

Paige:  hi.  im paige.  im a kitten, but im getting bigger.  i am gonna be a big cat soon.  

Ru:  Yes, little one, but don't be in such a hurry to grow up.  I don't mind you as a kitten.  But you still have to learn how to capitalize and use apostrophes.   

[I don't like the blue thing.]

Paige:  i don't know what that means.  so ru wanted me to tell you about this week.  i went somewhere in a cage, and they poked me and everything went black.  when i woke up, i didnt feel too good.  i was sleepy and couldt walk straight.  they put me in a blue thing.  

Ru:  That's called the cone of shame.  It made you look ridiculous.  I hear it's because they had you "fixed," whatever that means.  We've all been through it.  Seems to be just one of those cruel human things.  Maybe they delight in torturing cats. 

[I nearly fell off the bed.  It was scary.]

Paige: it wasnt fun.  i couldnt see very well.  i kept trying to back out of it but i couldt.  i almost fell off the bed.  

Ru: That was the really funny part.  It was hilarious.  She was just floppy, unlike Mr. MeowMeow, who fought like a demon to get free.  

[No more torture!]

Paige:  finally, i got out of the blue thing.  but they put me in the cage to sleep.  it was boring so i slept.  when i woke up the next morning i felt way better.  but my tummy was naked.  all my beautiful, fluffy fur was gone.  i didnt have the blue thing, so i could clean the little line there i didnt have before.  i feel pretty good now.  

Ru:  Yeah, remember that torture bit?  They leave us shaven and with weird slits in us.  It makes you wonder what they steal from us. I found myself irrationally upset to find they did this to my baby, too.  Seriously, humans, do you not see something wrong with this?  That's why I hang out with cats.  Except most of them, who I don't like.  Okay, maybe I like humans.  I just don't like it when they torture us.  

Where's my mommy?

 

[Happy Cali with her person]

Ruru the Cat here.  So for what felt like forever, we had this big, smelly, farty dog here.  Her name was Cali.  I was not her biggest fan.  She liked cats maybe a little too much.  She'd snurfle our litter boxes for treats and would steal our extra food and had the gall to eat her own dog food.  The nerve. I'm supposed to be able to steal that.  She moved into our basement with her person and made it hard to hide away.  She wanted to snuggle or play with us.  She was, you know, a DOG.  And she's thankfully been gone a year with only one brief visit between.  Anyway, I got an email from her recently, and I'm not sure how to respond: 

[Cali unhappy because she's being held by the wrong person-My person]

Deer cat and dog frends,

My momy is gone.  I dunno where.  She was heer and acting sik.  I was sad.  But then peeple I did'nt no came in a took her away with lowd noyses and flashing lites.  And she's gone.  She has'nt come bak.  Do you kno where she went?  

Luv, 

Cali.  

[Poor Cali.  Sad and alone.]

Ruru again.  Wow, that's a sad letter.  Sad because Cali doesn't know how to spell and sadder because I think I know the answer.   I don't have the heart to tell her I heard her "Mommy" got really sick, went to the hospital, and died.  It's something called a panda demic or something.  Ir's all anyone can talk about, though I don't get what it is.  All I know is it's bad.  My people were boohooing about her person a while ago.  It made me sad, too.  Cali's mommy was nice to all of us.  Sorry, Cali.  Not sure what to say except I think it's time to take another nap and hope all of this goes away.