Person Hairballs

[Me, watching and waiting for my person to be interesting again.]

Ruru the Cat here.  My person is being useless.  It was bad enough when she was giving too much attention to my kitten and not enough to me.  Now, she's giving no attention to any of us cats.  She's just lying on the sofa or bed or wherever and coughing up hairballs.  

[How it should be, with my person happily snuggling me.]

I don't think people call it hairballs.  I think they call it vomiting, but it sure looks like she's having hairballs.  She makes loud sounds, and out comes something nasty.  That's a hairball, right?  When she's not hairballing, she's lying there, crying or moaning or something.  She ignores me completely.  She tried to hold my kitten, but then moaned and let her go.  This hairballing is not good for people.  When she doesn't even have anything nasty to hairball up, she's still hairballing.  Even water. 

[Fine.  I'll find someone else to pet me.]

I would feel bad for her, but I'm too busy feeling bad for me.  I'm having to find other people to pet me.  Do you know how frustrating that is?  She's supposed to be my person with hands that pet me.  She's supposed to give me treats and lots of attention.  Instead, she just lies around, moans, and hairballs.  What good are people acting like that?  Just don't do it.  Be the hands your cats crave.  

Too much Competition

[Paige, that's my hand.  Give it back.]

 Ruru the Cat here.  So it's hard enough to get time with my person with my kitten going up all the time.  Just 'cuz I give my person attitude every time I have to share her does not mean I shouldn't have all of her time.  She was mine first.  Maybe I should be whiny for attention in the middle of the night.  Then, she'd give me more time.  Works for the kitten.  

[Doesn't he look comfy?  Well, that should have been my spot.]

But then, my person's mom, who has perfectly usable hands, was laying there like a slug all day yesterday, and everybody else claimed all the comfy spots.  I swear.  It's not fair that I have to share with cats.  It's worse yet that I have to share with dogs.  

[Fine.  I'll go fine someone else to cuddle.]

I'm pretty sure she was sick, but I figured I'd get full use of that hand to get myself petted. Be more sympathetic toward the sick, you say, Toothless?  I'm the one who suffers! It just wasn't fair that Maya took her shoulder, Toothless right in front of her, Bean the dog in that lovely, comfy spot where her legs bend, and there was nowhere left for me.  Doesn't everyone know I have a higher right because I'm not just A cat but THE cat, the most important cat?  What does it take to get some priority around here?  

Christmas and Done

[gifts: source]

Ruru the Cat here.  So this Christmas stuff is growing on me.  Everybody hopped out of bed and ran out to look at some crap on the sofa.  I think it had something to do with this weird "Santa" everyone keeps talking about.  But I found it pretty meaningless.  I didn't see any dude in red come in, so I don't get it.  When they ripped open the stuff wrapped in paper, they didn't even drop the paper for us to kill.

[Oh, the smells of that cat-shaped thingy!]

No, the really cool part was when they pulled out a sock thing full of goodies just for cats.  Yeah, they threw us plastic balls with bells inside.  The kittens went for them, but no self-respecting cat would waste their time on that.  It got better when they brought out the long, floppy stuff with feathers and swung them around.  The little toys with feathers were fine, too.  Then, they brought out the amazing things.  They were these soft things that I think were supposed to look like cats, but that wasn't the reason they were so amazing.  

[He thinks he can have it, just because I drop it.]

No, it was the smells coming from those soft things.  I couldn't get enough.  I hugged them and bit them, hoping to get more of those smells.  I felt a little giddy and weird, but it was so good.  Someone said, "Cat nip," whatever that means.  I could swim in those smells.  But I kept dropping them, and that stupid Dude, Mr. MeowMeow, whatever his name is, kept stealing them.  It was brutal.  They were MINE.  I clearly marked them, but he'd grab them whenever I dropped them.  It just wasn't nice.  Wait.  No, this is my blog.  Quit typing on my blog.  Crap.  

[All that was left when they stole my tree.]

Hi.  Mr. MeowMeow here.  Thanks for sharing the blog and the toys.  Very generous of you.  Ruru didn't get to the really mean part.  No, they took away MY gym, the big, green one.  I tried to stop them, but they put it all away, all the pieces of the fake tree thing and those wonderful, shiny baubles I kept throwing off the tree.  It's just not fair.  

[Feathers are okay, but give me the nip any day.]

Speaking of not fair, Mr. MeowMeow, I did NOT share the blogs or the toys or the tree.  They're mine.  And, yeah, that happens every year.  I've tried to stop it, too.  Doesn't work.  Quit pouting.  Just deal with the fact that it's all mine.  I got here first.  You don't know where they hid the cat nip, do you?  No?  What good are you, anyway?  

Toddlergeddon: Crisis Averted

[Don't make me look]

Ruru the Cat here.  We came that close to a repeat of toddlergeddon, where our house is descended upon by an army of toddlers, playing in my dog food, chasing and slapping cats, and generally making mayhem.  You really don't want to see it.  It's ugly.  Nightmarish.  

[Humans with packages.  Never a good sign.  Source]

First, various adult humans showed up with brightly-colored packages.  I was getting nervous because too many humans are too many.  They're loud and get in your space.  Adult types are not as bad as the little ones.  But one of them was the human who always comes with toddlers in tow.  AND one of them showed up to play with toys and chase us out of our peaceful living room.  I felt all my hair standing on end. 

[Pom family reunion]

But then, the little one came...and left.  They left their annoying, yippy, energetic dog that looks a lot like our dogs and smells familiar.  I think she used to live here, but I was so worried that the human little ones were coming, that I didn't mind.  My humans left, too, to something they called a "family Christmas party."  When they spoke of it, I was sure it was going to be here with toddlers and everything.  I was sure my house would be destroyed and left with nasty human smells.  But only a few came and left.  And the house was quiet.  It was a storm dodged.  As long as they didn't come here, that's what's important.  Because no Christmas is happier than one without people.  

The Nightmare Two Weeks Before Christmas

[This reindeer hat does not make me happy]

Ruru the Cat here.  So, my whiny brother thinks he needs my blog today.  I already HAD a Halloween kitty hijack my blog last week.  Sorta.  Do I have to?  I mean, I was going to tell you all about how my person made me suffer by putting a reindeer hat on me.  It was TERRIBLE.  It HAS to be worse than whatever Chonk Boy has to tell you.  Okay, fine.  Here's my annoying brother.  

[This door is what it felt like to be locked in--source]

I'm Toothless aka My Boy aka Chonk.  (Okay, that last one hurts a little.  Or it would if I cared what people or certain rude cats call me.)  So we were minding our own business when my person started locking cats away for hours at a time.  

Ru: Yeah, that part sucked. For all of us.  I think they wanted to see our pee.  The mom seemed particularly interested in the litter box.  All I can say is humans are weird. 

[I tolerate my brother, but there's a limit.]

Toothless:   Maybe it's because I was peeing blood.  It hurt, but I don't see how that would matter to people or why I should be imprisoned not ONE but TWO nights in the bathroom.  At least one of them, Ru was in there with me, so I wasn't totally alone.  

Ru: Being stuck in a room with just my brother for companionship.  Oh, joy.  Oh, rapture.  

[How a cat should be treated.]

Toothless:  Thanks.  You're no party, either.  Anyway, so then, it got worse.  I knew something bad would happen if I peed in that box they left for me both nights, so I didn't.  They hauled me off, anyway, in a locked little box and took me in this loud, smelly machine I've never been in somewhere that smelled like a lot of other animals.  Some human I'd never seen before and hope to never see again poked and prodded me in all sorts of unpleasant ways.  

Ru:  Yeah, that's called a vet.  I don't recommend them.  They don't respect boundaries.  And they don't seem to recognize cats rule the world. 

[The comfort I did NOT get that night.]

Toothless:  Then, my person left me.  LEFT me!  I'm supposed to walk away from her, not the other way around.  I was stuck in a cage ALL NIGHT LONG with just a box, some water, and some kibble.  Even though I cried out and tried to explain I didn't belong in a cage, they didn't let me free.  Finally, hours and hours and hours after humans came back and started wandering around, they brought me back (in another stinking cage--smelled like dog) to my person.  She didn't let free me right away.  She stuck me back in that loud, smelly machine again.  

Ru:  Oh, you mean a car?  Yeah, I hate 'em, too.  

[How I see that nasty medicine stuff.  Source]

Toothless:  I finally got home.  I felt much better except the peeing blood part.  Anyway, so now, my person tried to feed me food that smelled a little gross.  Then, she started sneaking up on me when I sleep or when I'm sitting happily on her and then, she'll shove this nasty, sticky liquid in my mouth.  It's positively disgusting.  

Ru:  Yeah, that's medicine.  Just close your mouth hard.  

Toothless:  I've tried that.  Doesn't work.  She even gets her mate to help.  It's just brutal.  If some human tries to get you to pee in a box, just run.  Not kidding.  Run.  

[Let me remind you what real suffering looks like.] 

Ru:  Oh, well, better you than me.  But it is funny to watch you trying to shake that taste out of your mouth.  Yeah, I told you the hat was worse.  Way, way worse.  Hey, quit rolling your eyes at me.  I didn't know cats could roll their eyes.  Brothers.  

I Stole Her Gym

[Me, discovering the tree for the first time.]

 Ha ha!  Mr. MeowMeow aka Quill aka Dude, kitten thief extraordinaire, first stole Ru's tree, and now, I stole her blog.  Yeah, I know, she already wrote one.  But then, she left it open.  Ru is wayyyy too uppity.  She thinks she owns the house and runs the world just because she's a cat.  Guess what?  I'm a cat, too.  Two can play at this game.  

[I'm in there somewhere, killing the sparkly baubles]

I spent all week long running up and down that awesome "jungle gym," knocking everything off I could.  I tug at one and then another, hoping to knock it off.  I was sad to see the most breakable ornaments get put back into a box.  That would have been super awesome fun to actually break stuff.  Instead, I just get to toss stuff off.  Each day, I challenge myself to toss off more stuff than I did the day before.  Tomorrow, I'll pull off the most things of all!  So, the people keep putting the things back on the tree.  It's my tree, and I will kill it!  I will keep tugging at the stubborn ones 'til they come off.  This is the best thing ever.  

[i'm not so sure of this.]

Paige:  are you sure we should, mr. meowmeow?  i mean, the people worked so hard on this tree.  they must like it the way it is.  

Me: Ah, sweet Paige, if they didn't want it to suffer, they shouldn't have made it so shiny and dangly.  They're practically begging me to dismember it.  Never have you seen a cat as happy as me.  I hope they leave this thing up all year long!  So it can die!  Again!  And again!  And again!

He Stole My Gym!

 

[MY tree-type thing]

Ruru the Cat here.  Every year, I get all excited when my people trot out that green thing that looks like a tree but doesn't smell right to be something natural.  It's plastic and fake, but it's so fascinating to all of us.  I made sure to climb that thing first thing, so everyone knows it's mine.  That worked for one of the evil cats last year.  She claimed it and chased all of us away.  But this year, I decided it was and always would be mine.  

[My sparklies!]

Then, they started putting those shiny danglies and sparkles and lights everywhere on it.  My heart thrilled with each one as I imagined killing it.  I pictured swatting it 'til it hit the ground and shattered.  I yearned for the moment that the humans would go to sleep, and that jungle gym would be all mine.  

[The upstart wants to usurp my jungle gym]

But then, those upstart kittens jumped on it and through it.  The thing shook so hard that I was sure we were having an earthquake.  I slunk back over and waited on the boring old cat tree for the shaking and shattering and swatting that should have been mine to end.  But it never ends.  He totally claimed my jungle gym.  But I got to it first.  And I'm the big sister.  They're just kittens.                                                                                     

[I'll pretend I don't notice her there.  all mine]

So I claimed that cat tree harder than ever to make sure no one gets it.  It's not the jungle gym I wanted, but at least I got a tree.  And it's mine.  Stop looking at it.  Mine.