Weird Thing Speaks

Ruru the Cat here.  Baby has all the fun.  I got stuck in a room all day a couple of days ago when I heard this big crash.  I didn't know what happened until later.  My people freaked out and said that Baby had slipped into my person's bedroom and had knocked over the bearded dragon's cage.  I didn't even know what that funny little lizard was called until my people started hauling it around and talking about it.  A dragon?  I thought dragons were big and had wings.  

Anyway, our people talked about how Baby had knocked over and destroyed its cage then almost played it to death.  Man, why did I have to get stuck in that room on THAT day?  I could have played it the rest of the way to death.  Baby says she ran when our people came home.  She also says that lizard has pokie things all over, which makes it not as much fun to play with as a fluffy, tender mouse.  So I was poking around the room with the lizard's cage a couple of days later and found this note: 

Dearest human caretakers, I know not if I shall survive this day.  I have only been on the premises a fortnight or two, but I have had a pleasant and serene time until this very day.  My only source of unease has been the plethora of predatorial mammals that have stalked and regarded me with bloodlust in their gaze.  However, the thickness and durability of my fortress of solitude have eased my discomfort.  Besides, until today, my caretakers took great caution with the portal to the quarters in which I have sought refuge.  I spent my days hunting crickets or pondering my life's pursuits in reasonable tranquility with little foreboding until this very day when my humans neglected to latch the door.  

A short time ago, the persistence of one of the predators, one they call Baby, did force my fortress from its nook.  It shattered upon the furniture below, and I fled with much abandon, the fangs and claws of my nemesis in determined and demented pursuit.  I have lost track of the time she has spent toying with me.  I would suspect for one moment that I would escape, and then she would snatch me and pull me back. I have experienced untold pain and terror.  She is currently scouring her person prior to ending my life.  Fare you well, humans.  Know I do not bear you ill will for the moment of carelessness that has led me to my current fate.  

See, I'm a pretty good reader for a cat, but this doesn't make much sense to me.  I understand some of the words but other ones confuse me.  I'm thinking it may even be from that silly lizard.  But now, the lizard seems to be okay and is being carefully guarded.  I missed out.  I asked Baby how much fun it was to play with the lizard, but she just looks at me, kind of grumpy.  I think she's upset she was interrupted and didn't even get to taste it.  You'd think people would be happy to share such a yummy little thing.  They don't even eat it when they have the chance.   I just don't get people at all.  

 

Proof!

[The face of a killer!!!]

Ruru the Cat here.  I told you last week that my buddy, Baby, was spending quality time with the enemy.  Well, now I have a photo that shows Baby snuggling with Izzy the Beast, the huge monster dog my people have inflicted on us poor, innocent cats.  See this picture?  

I wasn't kidding.  Here's another that shows her playing with--not attacking or killing--the beast!!

 

[See the freaky black blur?  That monster doesn't hold still!]

Not only has Baby been hobnobbing with that enemy, but those crazy people with the baby, the toddler, and the shaggy mountain with teeth showed up again, and Baby actually let the toddler play with her.  

[Cats and toddlers just shouldn't mix!]

That Baby doesn't deserve to be called a cat anymore.  Maybe she's really a dog in disguise.   

Oh, crap.  Here comes Baby.  Hide me.   

[This is me!  Look at all my toys!  But I'd rather play with you!]

Ooh, look!  There's a computer here.  I like computers.  They're great.  I like to jump on them 'cuz they get me attention.  And balls.  Balls are fun.  I'm a dog.  My name is Izzy.  

I also like cats.  But the cats here don't seem to like me.  Except Baby.  I like Baby 'cuz she'll let me chase her and snuggle her and stuff.  Oh, and I like meat.  Yummy meat.  When those visitors came today, they let me steal steak right from their hands.  I got in trouble for it, so maybe they weren't offering it to me.  But I like them because they gave me meat.  

[The big, scary dog that wanted my toys.]

I like dogs, too.  Except that guest's dog.  He was big and scary and growled at me if I tried to steal my toys back.  But he's gone, so everything's okay now.  But most dogs are awesome.  I like this puppy called Willow.  We chase and chase and chase and chase and chase each other.  I think it's called tag.  Dog tag maybe.  It's fun. And there's this dog we meet when we go on walks.  She sniffs my butt and walks with us.  Dogs are good. 

[My favorite new squeaky toy.] 

But there's this dog here that... well, I think it's a dog.  But it squeaks like one of my squeaky toys.  Did I tell you I like squeaky toys?  And rope for tug-o-war.  And balls.  Did I say that already?  Oh, yeah.  The dog here is a funny little thing.  It smells like a dog.  People call it a dog.  But I want to chew it like a stuffed squeaky toy 'cuz it's too small to be a dog and too squeaky to bark right. 

I like it here.  It's fun.  We go on walks a lot.  They buy me toys and treats and feed me and love me.  I miss my old mommy, but I have a new mommy, and she plays with my floppy ears.  They let me go outside a lot.  It's great.  I think I'll stay here forever and ever.  

[Mean, scary cat glaring and swiping at me.]

Uh, oh.  That little cat who was typing at the computer is hissing and clawing at me.  I think she wants me to leave.  She's cute and fluffy.  I wonder if I can play with her soon. 

[Lovably huggably adorable me!  My blog, not yours]

Crap!  That dumb dog, Izzy, was just here, typing on my keyboard!  This is my blog, you stupid mutt!   My house, my computer.  Ew.  Now, I have to lick the computer to get all the dog cooties off the keyboard.  Then I'll have to give myself a bath.  Then I'll have to scrub my tongue.  

Look!  Did you see what that mutt said?  That's more proof that Baby is turning traitor!  Look what else!  That Izzy says she wants to play with me, that she likes cats.  Have you seen what she does to things she likes like tennis balls? She chews them like bubblegum!  If she plays with me, I'm gonna be nothing but a bit of fluff.  Adorable fluff.  But still.  

[Why can't my people see she's scary?  Why can't Baby?]

That Izzy is bad news, I tell you.  Bad news.  I knew it, but no one would listen to me 'cuz people think I'm just too cute to be taken seriously.  Well, I'm a panther, I tell you, a panther.  And I will show that Izzy yet this is my house, and I'm in charge. 

But first, I need to clean off those doggie cooties.  Just ew.   

Terrible!

[My used-to-be-dog-now-adopted-into-the-cat friend, Harmoni]

Ruru the Cat here.  The worst thing I can possibly imagine happened this week.  My good buddy, Harmoni, disappeared.  She was there one day, snuggling me and grooming me and just being awesome, and then she went out like usual to go potty.  I didn't think anything of it.  Then that silly thing the people are always talking into--I think it's called a phone--rang, and my people got all weepy and teary-eyed.  I heard them say words like "car" and "dead" and "highway" and "Harmoni."  I smelled Harmoni and blood through the window, but it didn't make any sense to me.   I didn't know what it all meant, just that I haven't seen Harmoni since.  My people have been looking really sad.  My person has been hugging me a lot.  I keep wondering when Harmoni will come back.  

[Thing is HUGE, like four times the size of my friend or more!]

But it's hard to say which was worse, that or what happened next.  The very next day, my people showed up with a monster.  I told you about the big white canine monster that lives outside.  I told you about the big black canine mountain that sometimes visits.  But those are sometimes visitors.  They don't invade my space...much.  This monster--they call it Izzy--has taken over my whole house.  Not kidding.  She eats all of Harmoni's food and sleeps in spots Harmoni used to sit, except she doesn't fit, including on people's shoulders and laps.  I thought at least while Harmoni was gone, I could eat all her food.  No, the Izzy Beast is like a vacuum on four legs.  

[Baby and I peering out to see if the Beast was coming.] 

[The Beast came!]

Worse yet, she terrorizes us cats.  We have to hide on the tallest pieces of furniture.  I peer at her from behind blinds, from under my armor chair I told you about, from on the piano, from behind my person's mom, from anywhere that is not directly in front of the line upon line upon line of white shark teeth.  But I've actually caught Baby PLAYING with that thing.  Playing with it.  And that's after that beast sat on Baby and pushed her off the bed!  Okay, I about died laughing when that happened.  Nobody does that to Baby and lives.  They don't call her the "Dumb Ways to Die" cat for nothing.  But this Beast still lives!

[This was the first day, when Baby had the right idea and wanted to kill it.]

I confronted Baby about playing with the Beast.  She said she was defending herself.  But when you're defending yourself, you growl and hiss and puff yourself up to look really big and scary.  My person says I'm cute when I do that, but she clearly doesn't know what she's talking about 'cuz I know I look like a mean panther.  Anyway, Baby is actually swatting at the Beast but not growling or puffing up or anything.  That Izzy monster is playing BACK!  Has the world gone mad?  Where is my Harmoni friend, and when can we get rid of this beast?  

[MISSING: ONE FUNNY LOOKING CAT.  IF YOU SEE HER, SEND HER HOME so she can take back my--I mean her--dish from the Beast.]

Outside

[My whiner brother getting coddled after his supposed trauma.]

Ruru the Cat here.  My whiner brother wants to tell you about his "trauma" this week.  He thinks it's such a big deal that he has to steal my blog this week to tell you all about it.  I figure I'll let him do it just to shut him up.  

This is Scout, and I'm no whiner.  I'm a smart cat, here to patrol my people's place and make it safe.  I'm used to being outside.  I like it.  Every day is an adventure when you can protect your people from mice, voles, bugs, snakes, and other things that may do them harm.  I'm my people's hero.  They adore me.  

Except a couple of days ago, they took me somewhere scary.  It wasn't far away, but they took me through a place with a lot of cars.  Have I told you how much I hate cars?  But we passed through this scary place with a lot of cars to get to this land.  I don't know where it is, somewhere not far.  At first, it was awesome, the biggest adventure I've been on in a while.  I chased bugs and mice while my people did...whatever it is people do.  Who even knows?  Anyway, I got bored just keeping an eye on my people.  They weren't doing anything too interesting.  So I went to scope out the place, make sure there wasn't anything too dangerous that could harm them.  I heard them call my name back where they were, but by then, I was chasing a particularly juicy mouse.  I mean, really big and juicy.  As soon as I was done, I went back to brag about what a wonderful thing I'd done and to let my people pet me and love me... but they were gone.  Totally gone. I smelled them but couldn't find them anywhere. 

 [That scary forest looked like this, but less friendly.]

There is no way I would pass through that place with all the cars again.  I looked.  I looked for a long time.  It got dark, and I was petrified.  I mean, I like the dark, but I was sure I'd never see my people again.  I wandered up and back on this waterway, calling for them, but I couldn't find them anywhere.  It was a long, cold, scary night full of owls, howling coyotes, revving cars nearby, and who knows what else.  The next day, I was some distance away when I heard my people call for me again.  I came running back, but by the time I came, they were gone again.  I had just found another cat to ask for directions when my people showed up again!  They were there!  They saved me and brought me home!  You see?  I'm not a whiner.  It really was the most frightening thing that ever happened to me. 

 [The ordeal of getting booped.  See why I had to run away?] 

Ruru back again.  See?  What did I tell you.  My brother is such a whiner.  One night outside?  Come on.  He's used to that stuff.  I've been through something much more terrifying.  Me, I never go outside.  But I got tired of my person booping my nose even though I kept telling her to stop.  So I decided to run away from home.   I got outside.  I was so scared.  I was afraid I would never find my way home.  But I was rescued before anything bad could happen.  See?  That's real terror.  One night.  Really, Scoutie?  Wuss.  

Five feet.  Ruru got five feet out the back door before she needed a rescue.  Talk about a whiner.  

But they were big feet.  Five very long, terrifying feet.  Besides, this is my blog, not yours.  Mine was scarier. So there.  

More Weirdness

Ruru the Cat here.  So I think it must have been one of those odd things people call a holiday this week.  I always know it's a holiday because people get together in big numbers and do very strange things.

This particular strange thing involved putting these brightly colored round objects into a bowl, stuffing them with yummy, forbidden things I think they call chocolate, and hiding them.  Then, smaller humans would go searching for these round things.  I don't get the purpose of it.  I just know people got upset when we cats attacked either round, plastic things or the chocolate stuffed into them.  They especially got mad when we found the round things before the small humans could get to them.
  

There's nothing more awesome than chasing those round things around.  You should see how they fly and spin when you hit them hard enough.  They're really nifty things.  I don't know why people take such issue with a little fun.  

Then they started talking about some bunny.  I didn't see a bunny.  I didn't even smell a bunny.  People are weird.  Sometimes, I wish they made as much sense as a cat.  Then again, cats can't scratch me behind the ears.  So I guess we have to tolerate their weirdness until they start acting normally again.  Well, normal for a human.  

My Person Still Doesn't Get It

Ruru the Cat here.  Last week, I posted some very simple rules for how to treat me and how not to treat me.  Well, I guess I wasn't specific enough about what my person can do and what she can't do.  I want to be respected.  So, person mine, listen up.  See what you're doing above?  You're letting me snuggle you, love you, and lick the water out of your hair.  This is proper behavior for my person.

These, however, are big no-nos.  Don't do them.  

1.  I do not wear hats.  Do not put one on me.

2.   Nor am I a hat.  Do not put me on you.

3.  I am not clay.  Do not rearrange my face.

                                           I do not need to be smeared into your face.

                                                       Do not do this.

                                                        Really really don't do this.

4.  I am not a doll.  Don't treat me like one.

5.  I'm really really really really not food.  Food goes in my face.  I don't go in yours.

Just keep these simple rules, Person mine, and we will get along great.  See this?  This is good.  This is really good.  Now, I'm remembering why I like you to be my person.  What was I saying before?

How to Love Me

Ruru the Cat here.  I have rules for showing me love like I want you to show me love and rules you should just not cross.  You'd think people would have these things figured out, but I figured I'd explain them because people want to forget stuff and act like the sillies they are.  So here are my rules.  Take notes.

1.  No little people allowed.  My people let the toddlers in the house again.  Well, the baby and the toddler.  I can hardly tell them apart anymore.  They just look like little people who want to thump on me, so I slink around quietly until they leave.  Any little person is not allowed to touch my soft, luxuriant fur 'cuz they'll just mess it all up.  That's a no-no.

2.  Do NOT touch my tail.  It's my tail.  Mine.  Not yours.  Don't act like it's yours.  Don't pretend that you have the right to touch it.  The big person who hauls around those little people I mentioned had the gall to touch my tail.  I told her not to, but she ignored me.  She thought I was Baby or some moronic dog, someone who doesn't know a cat's tail is her treasure.  People who touch my tail WILL DIE.  So just don't.

3.  It's okay to pet me nicely, gently, but only when I'm in the mood.  If you don't have my specific permission to touch my fur, don't do it.  Resist the temptation.  See the part about my tail.  If I'm sitting next to you, I'm likely giving you permission to pet me.  Try it.  If I don't attack, you have permission.  I'll let you pull me into your lap and love me.  You can rub my tummy, scritch my hears.  Whatever.  But when I wanna leave, just let me.

4.  Let me have my person all day every day.  This is my ideal, and this is what I've gotten this week.  I don't like it when she lies there like a limp noodle.  She's done that often over the last week, kind of like she's sick or something.  She just lays there all time time.  But she's here, so that's the important part.  I don't like it when she doesn't pet me.  But I like it when she's here all the time.  I like it when she holds me, pets me, snuggles me.  I don't like it when she pulls me around and rearranges me.  But I'll let her snuggle me in just about any way she likes because she's my person.

See?  Those are are easy.  You can obey them.  I'm a cat.  I don't believe in rules for me.  But people are different.  They like rules.  So just remember these, and we'll get along great.  But please, whatever you do, leave the toddlers at home.