My (mostly) well-trained person

Ruru the cat here.  My person is nice to have around.  If I really don't feel like walking all the way upstairs, I can usually talk her into taking me there.  If I need to be loved, she can be trusted to hunt me down where I pretend to hide and act like I don't want love, so she can snuggle me and rearrange my ears.  She wants me to sit on her lap like a person, laughs, and calls people over to show them.  Okay.  I can handle that as long as she keeps the food coming.  I will tolerate a lot.  

But recently, she's developed the most annoying habit of shoving my face in this clear, flat thing where there's a portal to a scary, unfamiliar cat that smells funny.  My person calls it a "mirror." I've told her I don't like it at all.   That other, odorless cat scares me.  Creeps me out.  I don't know what it's going to do to me.  I like cats I can smell and beat up on if they sit in my spot.  This one stares at me and hisses at me and pushes away from me as if I scare it, too.  Get thee hence, mirror monster.  

Don't leave me!

Ruru the Cat here.  My person left me for two whole days!  Two!  Nobody seemed to know where they went.  They rushed around like they were going somewhere, packing stuff into bags and feeding us extra.  But I didn't think they'd actually do it.  I mean, my person's world revolves around me.  Every night, she tucks me in with my little plush snow leopard and snuggles me until we both go to sleep.  First thing in the morning, she wants to snuggle me and only me.  As often as she can, she wants to hold me and talk about how fat I am and tell me how much she loves me and rearrange my face.  But then she LEFT me.  ME.  Her precious fat cat.

I spent the first day telling myself that she was coming right back, that she just fed us extra because she really is that sweet.  But when it got later and later and later, and I hadn't been tucked in with my leopard, I felt so lost.  I had to spend the night on a sofa like a normal cat.  But I'm NOT a normal cat.  The next day I told myself the whole day she was coming back.  I lurked by the door, sure she would be back at any time.  I mean, she didn't give us THAT much extra food.  But the day came and went, and she did not come back.  I thought I was going to DIE!

When the third day rolled around, and she wasn't home yet, I started making plans to get out of the house somehow and find her.  I couldn't believe this.  But I couldn't find a way out.  What was I going to DO?  Then, just like that, my person came back.  I didn't want to let her out of my sight, not for a second.  She held me and loved me and made sure I had my plush leopard as I went to sleep.  But that wasn't enough for me.  As soon as my person went to sleep, I had to chase around my person's mom and dad to make sure I got all the love I could.  How do I ground my person?  I want to make sure she never does this again!

Summer!

Ruru the Cat here.  I kept wondering why my person didn't go to school and didn't go to school and didn't go to school day after day.  I keep hearing about this thing called "summer vacation."  I think that may have something to do with it.  I'm not complaining, mind you.  She's just here most of the time, loving me and playing with me and hugging me as often as she finds me.  Okay, I'll be honest.  It can get a bit old.  She wants to boop my nose all the time.  She wants to rearrange my face, my beautiful face.  She wants to haul me around.  Most of the time, there's nothing more exciting than being her teddy bear as she tucks me in with her and snuggles me to sleep.  But there are times when she pushes her luck and forgets I have claws and teeth.  I have to gently remind her.  With my claws or teeth.

Today, I decided I needed a break from all that.  And someone wasn't watching the door very closely.  And the weather was nice.  And outdoors smelled really interesting.  So I went to the backyard, where I'm not supposed to be.  It felt nice.  Sun on my fur was good.  But then somebody saw me and cornered me and brought me inside.  Seriously?  What good is perfect weather if I can't be out in it, hiding from booping?  Overall, though, this summer stuff isn't half bad.

Playing with Ribbons

                                           [This cat gets to play with HER ribbon.  Why can't I?]

Ruru the Cat here.  People are strange.  They've had all this crazy drama with that bearded dragon's cage getting knocked over and everything.  You'd think people would get tired of chasing stuff like that around.  But instead of getting rid of the useless reptile thingies they won't let me play with, they get MORE.  This week, they've been talking all about something they call a ribbon snake.

 I'm not sure what a snake is, but I gather it's something small and almost lizard-like I'm not supposed to eat.   But it's called a RIBBON snake.  Don't they know cats like to play with ribbons?

Anyway, so the thing got out right after they put it in some kind of cage.  They turned the place upside down looking for it.  I could have found it.  And played with it.  And eaten it.  But they didn't ask for my help.  Obviously, they don't know what they're doing.  Shortly after that, this weird message appears on my screen: cxlvskjdv...i'mfree!sssssssssslithered free!Hahahahsldkfjsldkfj.  And my keyboard smelled funny after that.  But then they found the ribbon thing again.  Even without very useful eyes or noses or anything.  They called it a miracle, and I guess they weren't kidding.  From what I can tell, the ribbon thing is tiny.   People just don't like to learn from their mistakes I guess.  Silly people.

What the flip's a birthday?

Ruru the Cat here.  I'm not clear what this word "birthday" means, but I keep hearing it.  My people keep talking about that word when it comes to leaving for a few hours, piles of colorful and foreign-smelling things that appear in my house--I think they call them "presents"--and most of all, this yummy-smelling thing I think they call a cake.  I'm not very fond of this word because it means my people are going places without me and eating stuff that smells great that they won't share with me.

                                                            [Behold the face of cruelty.]

Recently, my person's dad held up a piece of this cake stuff.  It smelled so good.  He sang the song on this video.  I kept hearing the words "cat," "birthday," and "cake."  It didn't mean much to me, but what did mean something is he let me lick that delectable stuff.  I thought he was going to let me eat the whole thing, and I was about to go into spasms of joy.  But he gave me about three or four licks--what you see on that video--and then he took it away.  It tasted like milk and something I'm never ever ever allowed to taste.  I think it's called chocolate.  I thought I was going to die with joy.  But then he took it away.

Really?  I mean, REALLY?  I know I'm cute and cuddly and stuff, but do I really deserve this kind of torture?  So many times, the yummy tidbits that are supposed to go to me, the dog steals before I can get more than a sniff.  Much of the time, these human types don't even give me that sniff.  I sit and wait patiently in the kitchen while they make those smells, looking my cutest to beg for a taste.  Then they give me nothing but smells or let the dog have it.  But this was almost worse because I got just enough to tell me I had heaven in my grasp, and they took it away.  Humans are cruel, inhumane creatures.  How do I get one of these birthday things, so they'll give me more cake?

Weird Thing Speaks

Ruru the Cat here.  Baby has all the fun.  I got stuck in a room all day a couple of days ago when I heard this big crash.  I didn't know what happened until later.  My people freaked out and said that Baby had slipped into my person's bedroom and had knocked over the bearded dragon's cage.  I didn't even know what that funny little lizard was called until my people started hauling it around and talking about it.  A dragon?  I thought dragons were big and had wings.  

Anyway, our people talked about how Baby had knocked over and destroyed its cage then almost played it to death.  Man, why did I have to get stuck in that room on THAT day?  I could have played it the rest of the way to death.  Baby says she ran when our people came home.  She also says that lizard has pokie things all over, which makes it not as much fun to play with as a fluffy, tender mouse.  So I was poking around the room with the lizard's cage a couple of days later and found this note: 

Dearest human caretakers, I know not if I shall survive this day.  I have only been on the premises a fortnight or two, but I have had a pleasant and serene time until this very day.  My only source of unease has been the plethora of predatorial mammals that have stalked and regarded me with bloodlust in their gaze.  However, the thickness and durability of my fortress of solitude have eased my discomfort.  Besides, until today, my caretakers took great caution with the portal to the quarters in which I have sought refuge.  I spent my days hunting crickets or pondering my life's pursuits in reasonable tranquility with little foreboding until this very day when my humans neglected to latch the door.  

A short time ago, the persistence of one of the predators, one they call Baby, did force my fortress from its nook.  It shattered upon the furniture below, and I fled with much abandon, the fangs and claws of my nemesis in determined and demented pursuit.  I have lost track of the time she has spent toying with me.  I would suspect for one moment that I would escape, and then she would snatch me and pull me back. I have experienced untold pain and terror.  She is currently scouring her person prior to ending my life.  Fare you well, humans.  Know I do not bear you ill will for the moment of carelessness that has led me to my current fate.  

See, I'm a pretty good reader for a cat, but this doesn't make much sense to me.  I understand some of the words but other ones confuse me.  I'm thinking it may even be from that silly lizard.  But now, the lizard seems to be okay and is being carefully guarded.  I missed out.  I asked Baby how much fun it was to play with the lizard, but she just looks at me, kind of grumpy.  I think she's upset she was interrupted and didn't even get to taste it.  You'd think people would be happy to share such a yummy little thing.  They don't even eat it when they have the chance.   I just don't get people at all.  

 

Proof!

[The face of a killer!!!]

Ruru the Cat here.  I told you last week that my buddy, Baby, was spending quality time with the enemy.  Well, now I have a photo that shows Baby snuggling with Izzy the Beast, the huge monster dog my people have inflicted on us poor, innocent cats.  See this picture?  

I wasn't kidding.  Here's another that shows her playing with--not attacking or killing--the beast!!

 

[See the freaky black blur?  That monster doesn't hold still!]

Not only has Baby been hobnobbing with that enemy, but those crazy people with the baby, the toddler, and the shaggy mountain with teeth showed up again, and Baby actually let the toddler play with her.  

[Cats and toddlers just shouldn't mix!]

That Baby doesn't deserve to be called a cat anymore.  Maybe she's really a dog in disguise.   

Oh, crap.  Here comes Baby.  Hide me.   

[This is me!  Look at all my toys!  But I'd rather play with you!]

Ooh, look!  There's a computer here.  I like computers.  They're great.  I like to jump on them 'cuz they get me attention.  And balls.  Balls are fun.  I'm a dog.  My name is Izzy.  

I also like cats.  But the cats here don't seem to like me.  Except Baby.  I like Baby 'cuz she'll let me chase her and snuggle her and stuff.  Oh, and I like meat.  Yummy meat.  When those visitors came today, they let me steal steak right from their hands.  I got in trouble for it, so maybe they weren't offering it to me.  But I like them because they gave me meat.  

[The big, scary dog that wanted my toys.]

I like dogs, too.  Except that guest's dog.  He was big and scary and growled at me if I tried to steal my toys back.  But he's gone, so everything's okay now.  But most dogs are awesome.  I like this puppy called Willow.  We chase and chase and chase and chase and chase each other.  I think it's called tag.  Dog tag maybe.  It's fun. And there's this dog we meet when we go on walks.  She sniffs my butt and walks with us.  Dogs are good. 

[My favorite new squeaky toy.] 

But there's this dog here that... well, I think it's a dog.  But it squeaks like one of my squeaky toys.  Did I tell you I like squeaky toys?  And rope for tug-o-war.  And balls.  Did I say that already?  Oh, yeah.  The dog here is a funny little thing.  It smells like a dog.  People call it a dog.  But I want to chew it like a stuffed squeaky toy 'cuz it's too small to be a dog and too squeaky to bark right. 

I like it here.  It's fun.  We go on walks a lot.  They buy me toys and treats and feed me and love me.  I miss my old mommy, but I have a new mommy, and she plays with my floppy ears.  They let me go outside a lot.  It's great.  I think I'll stay here forever and ever.  

[Mean, scary cat glaring and swiping at me.]

Uh, oh.  That little cat who was typing at the computer is hissing and clawing at me.  I think she wants me to leave.  She's cute and fluffy.  I wonder if I can play with her soon. 

[Lovably huggably adorable me!  My blog, not yours]

Crap!  That dumb dog, Izzy, was just here, typing on my keyboard!  This is my blog, you stupid mutt!   My house, my computer.  Ew.  Now, I have to lick the computer to get all the dog cooties off the keyboard.  Then I'll have to give myself a bath.  Then I'll have to scrub my tongue.  

Look!  Did you see what that mutt said?  That's more proof that Baby is turning traitor!  Look what else!  That Izzy says she wants to play with me, that she likes cats.  Have you seen what she does to things she likes like tennis balls? She chews them like bubblegum!  If she plays with me, I'm gonna be nothing but a bit of fluff.  Adorable fluff.  But still.  

[Why can't my people see she's scary?  Why can't Baby?]

That Izzy is bad news, I tell you.  Bad news.  I knew it, but no one would listen to me 'cuz people think I'm just too cute to be taken seriously.  Well, I'm a panther, I tell you, a panther.  And I will show that Izzy yet this is my house, and I'm in charge. 

But first, I need to clean off those doggie cooties.  Just ew.