I just Can't

[A new enemy]

Ruru: 

Ruru the Cat here.  I just can't.  I can't.  Seriously.  I've blogged about, ranted about, talked nonstop about loathing kittens.   Everything about kittens.  You know how I hate kittens.  EVERYONE knows.  But now, they want me to think there aren't any new ones here.  They've locked 'em away, tried to keep 'em silent.  BUT I KNOW THEY'RE HERE.  Two new ones.  We already have six cats,  most of which I did not, do not, approve of, three of which are kittens or close enough.  Come on, tell them they can't do this. 

[The annoying dog.]

Bean: 

Yay for new kittens!  Can I play with them?  I like to chase kittens.  They're wonderful!  My best friends are kittens.  

[The even more annoying kitten.]

Wren: 

They have food in there.  Can I get in there and play with them?  And steal their food?  

Other cats: 

Whatever.  As long as we get fed. 

Ruru: 

Seriously?  That's it?  Nothing else?  Bah.  What good are you?  I just can't deal with this.  My house.  My rules.  Just hope they won't stay for long. 

Better You than Me

[Behold the face of evil.]

Ruru the Cat here.  I still haven't forgiven the kitten for existing, though it seems everyone else but my mortal enemy, Maya, has.  Even my kitten, Paige, has been playing with him.  So I'll just ignore him and pretend he doesn't exist.  And instead, I'll mock the dogs because they're an easy target.  

[What happens when you don't run like mad.]

Yeah, it was pretty fun watching the dumb dogs get all excited just because the mom of the house, their idol and object of their undying worship, talked to them.  But I understood a word they didn't: "Bath."  And I knew what was coming.  That's called dramatic irony, my friends. 

[I swear he's a chihuahua in a fur coat.]

So I made sure to be nearby to watch.  It's amazing how a little water can shrink Pomeranians and make them look like harry sticks with eyeballs, especially Bean.  They all clearly don't like it and just suffer in silence, and it's hilarious.  See, that's the difference between cats and dogs.  You stick us in water, and you will feel our wrath.  

Surveying the Troops

[The monster crept into my house, overshadowing everything.]

Ru: 

Ruru the Cat here.   Like I said in my last blog—last night –I explained what a horrid nightmare was this kitten, Wren.  He steals my dog food.  Yeah, I know, who doesn't?  He steals my spot at the top of the cat tree.  My tree.  I'm the star on this tree.  It feels like we have 20 of him because he's EVERYWHERE killing everything, toes, tails, toys, rubber bands, cords, my sofa, my people, my space, my life.  For such a tiny little thing, the space he takes up is HUGE.  Okay, guys, how much do you loathe the new kitten?  A bunch or a lot?  I want an honest and scientific survey here.  

[Kitten? What kitten?]

Python:  

Kitten?  What'sss a kitten?  I haven't ssseen one. I may have sssmelled it, but I can't be sssure.  I wonder how they tasste. 

Beardie: 

If a kitten's a kind of cricket, sign me up.  If it's a cat like you, nope.  One dumped my cage and nearly killed me.  

[Just nope.]

Gecko: 

I do not care for cats of any size or breed.  One tipped my cage, so I was compelled to hunt my own sustenance while lurking around my house for six months.  And they assassinated my companion.  Cats are not my allies, so depart. 

Ru: 

Well, that's three votes for no kittens. 

Gecko: 

Or cats. 

Ru: 

Who asked you? 

Gecko: 

You did. 

Ru: 

Okay, everyone whose vote matters 'cuz you have fur and four legs, how much does it stink to have a kitten in the house?  

[My new friend!]

Bean: 

Wow oh wow!  He's amazing!  I love kittens!  They're so amazing and so fun!  And he was scared of me at first, but now, he loves me!  I want 20 kittens just like him!  

Ru: 

Seriously?  20?  One already feels like 20.  You're making me look bad.  And what did I tell you about exclamation points? Other dogs, tell me it bugs you they steal your food.  

[Kitten standing in a line to steal dog food, while the dogs don't even notice.]

Dodger: 

Wait.  Someone's stealing my food?  

Ru: 

Yes.  We all do.  All the time.  We all know you're well-behaved furniture whose sole function is to make the food available for us. 

[I love you.]

Dodger: 

Ru said I'm well behaved.  I'm a good boy! 

Snow: 

Wren's sweet, like a little puppy.  I want to cuddle him.  

Ru: 

Well, so much for the lint-on-a-leash vote.  Way to let the reptiles show you up.  Someone here hates the kitten.  I know it.   

[Poor page..scared of everyone, including the little kitten.]

Chunk: 

Wren's okay.  He kinda scares Paige, but he doesn't bother me. 

Paige: 

kitten!  ahhh!  he's gonna kill me!

Ru: 

Everything scares Paige.  Come on, Dude, don't fail me.  

[Meet my new best friend.]

Dude: 

Bean's right.  Wren's so much fun.  I know we're going to be best friends once he gets big enough we can brawl.  Now, I like to chase him.  See, Ru, not everybody's you.  

Maya: 

I can't stand him.  Wherever I want to sit, there he is.  I'm too old for this.  

Ru: 

You have a point.  For once.  But you're too old for everything, and nobody likes you, anyway.  Guys, what's the deal?  He's obnoxious.  He's loud.  He doesn't hold still. You get it, right?  

[Hey, look, he's holding still.  Don't get used to it.]

Wren: 

Will you be my friend? 

Ru: 

That's it.  I'm leaving.  

Wren: 

Dibs on your spot!  And the dog food!

Ru: 

ARGH!

The Worst

[Can you think of any face more terrifying?]

Ruru the Cat here.  They've done it now.  I didn't think they could sink any lower, but the worst has come.  And the worst's name is Wren.  And he's a....I can't even say it.  It's too nightmarish, too cruel, too horrible.  I just can't believe it.  I may as well just say it.  My people brought home a KITTEN. I hear you cry, "NO!  Who could be so terrible!"  And you'd be right.  

[My kitten isn't so bad.]

Some may say, "But your people brought home two kittens last year."  They really hate us don't they?  Then, you say that we survived last time.  But you don't understand.  There were two of them.  They kept each other busy.  And I liked the littler one because I would hiss, and she'd just blink at me.  She wasn't scary.  

[Look at those wild eyes, attacking everything.j 

Well, this new one is the very devil.  He's all over the house and back.  He won't stop running, like there's a fire chasing him.  And he tries to kill EVERYTHING.  When I described the horror that is a kitten, this was the very monster I was describing.  I just can't.  I can't.  It's horrible, terrible.  I'll let the others tell you tomorrow what a horror, a nightmare we've been through this last week.  I couldn't even bring myself to write when I usually do because the thing attacks everything, including cats and computers and especially cats on computers.  Can you think of anything worse than a kitten?  Yeah, I didn't think so.  

Not HER! No Way!

 

[We are not amused.]

Ru: Ruru the Cat here.  No.  I just can't.  Seriously.  I can't.  Not again.  There aren't words.  Just no.  

[My human is a traitor.]

Dude:

Hey, Casper the Friendly Poltergeist, aka Dude, standing by to take over.  What Ruru the wuss can't bring herself to say is that the stupid person-stealing dog, Skittles, came back.  I shouldn't have guessed as much when our people never promised she wouldn't.  People tend to have a rebellious streak I don't understand.  I know, I've only been around for a year. 

Ru: 

Which makes you an itty bitty baby who's wrong about everything but this.  Humans are mighty uppity for oversized bald things that can't even catch mice with their sad, sorry little claws or flat teeth. Ru out again.  

[You won't catch me close to that face-slapper, Ru.  That's Chunk.]

Dude: 

Hey, old lady, if you're gonna make someone else write your blog for you, the least you can do is BUTT OUT and just let me do it.  Sheesh.  You'd almost think she ruled the world.  

Ru: 

I do.  And you wouldn't catch me anywhere near you, either, squirt.  

[My boy hobnobbing with that food thief while trying to give me a little time.]

Dude: 

Ru, you jump in here one more time, and I'll make you do it.  So without warning, there Skittles was, just taking over my person again and stealing the leftovers, especially the meat.  She'd even growl at me if I tried to get any love from my own person, that huge kid I've claimed.  I'd try to sneak over there, and she was there, wherever I wanted to be.  It stunk.  Seriously.  Glad she's finally gone again, but I don't know where she may show up again.  She haunts my nightmares.  Just don't do that to a cat. Okay, Ru, go ahead. 

Ru: At least Dude got something right.  I even tried to sneak up and get love from that huge juvenile male that used to be so small.  I mean, my person was hidden away in her room, sick like she has been for a week.  My backup person, my person's mom, was busy.  So I had to find a spare pair of hands somewhere.  And here was this male human with perfectly good hands, and he was using them on a dog.  The nerve.  It's bad enough when Dude steals the hands I want.  Worse yet when some strange dog does it.  So we both agree.  Humans, next time you want to get a new dog in here, fill out some forms to request it from the cats who rule the world, so we can burn your application.  Seriously.  No dogs allowed.