Nasty Places

[Such a nightmarish place, this place called outside. Source]

Ruru the Cat here. There are many places I'm glad I'm not. Outside, for instance. I don't believe in outside. I know it EXISTS, but it shouldn't. It's big, scary, cold, and today, it's wet. I am in firm denial that anything is beyond my walls, and I'm happy that way. I hear there are some insane cats that actually LIKE it out there. *Shudder*  Oh, no. That's not me. 

[Those nasty, smelly boxes.]

For one thing, outside has those nasty, smelly boxes called cars. I've only ridden in them a few times, which is a few too many. The big boxes often involve little, plastic boxes they lock up like a cage. There's nothing good about a car. You can't convince me otherwise. I feel nauseous and want to vomit every time. I feel movement but can't see it. Because I'd have to look outside. No thank you. It's further evidence that humans are insane. 

[The portal to hell.]

But of all places in the horrible, nightmarish outside, the worst of all places is called the vet. I don't know what it means. I just know that all bad things start and end with those three letters. Pain, fear, and horror happen there. Smells of all sorts of big, scary monsters waft over me, making it a cursed place. I hear the haunted voices of lost souls there. It's just not a place that should exist. Well, the stupid dogs have all gone there recently. I don't know why they'd want to, but they all looked eager when they left. That's all the evidence I need that dogs are crazy, too. Here's the particular dumb and annoying Bean to tell you all about it. 

[I love it outside!]

Bean: We went outside!  I love outside! It's amazing! So many smells!

Ru: See? Absolutely nuts. 

Bean: There are people there I don't know! New friends! All good things happen outside!

Ru: Strangers. Just no. 

[Yay for cars!]

Bean: We got into a car, and my person held me the whole time! It was great! I looked out the window and saw so many exciting things! 

Ru: Exciting is code for awful. 

Bean: We drove and drove to a building that smelled like DOGS! New ones, ones I didn't know! I wanted to meet them all! 

Ru: You really are a sick monster, aren't you, little boy? And you're still smaller than me, so I can tease you. 

[The weird building!]

Bean: We went to this exciting building I only sort of remembered. They took me into a room with a new friend! Except he took me away from my mommy and poked things into me!  I didn't like it at all! I thought I'd never see her again!

Ru: Yet still the exclamation points. Such a drama queen. 

Bean: Then, they brought me back and gave me to my mommy!  It was so great! I hadn't seen her in ever so long! But we were together again, and it was awesome! Then, we went home together! It was amazing! I'm so happy when Mommy takes me places!

Ru: What is your problem, weirdo? They put you through hell, and still, you're annoyingly chipper? What is the point of these torture chambers all tied up with outside? I just don't understand dogs at all. Or people.

The Royal Dragon

[The Worship I Deserve.]

Ruru the Cat here. So I haven't felt like blogging at all. I've had wayyy too important things to do like hide from big bully cats, chase my tail, and eat. So, I still don't feel like blogging today, so I'm turning it over to the lizard. Yeah, you say, why would you do that? Why not a higher life form like a dog or a cat? It's because what we've got around here are Pomeranians, which are lint on a leash and NOT a higher lifeform, and other cats, who clearly don't comprehend my greatness as the Queen of the Universe. So none of them DESERVE to touch my keyboard. Instead, here's Rory. 

[An image of myself.]

Rory: Greetings, humans. Yea, verily, I am Rory, the Bearded Dragon. Heed my wisdom. I am a DRAGON, not some lizard. We dragons are much higher lifeforms than cats. 

Ruru: Hey! I trusted you!

Rory: Yes, you did. Which makes you inferior and dim. 

Ruru: I'll take my keyboard back!

[My Fortress and My Former Throne, which Has since Been Replaced.]

Rory: I would like to see you try. I sit on my throne, beholding much larger cats than you attempt to reach me, and they were no more capable than you would be. My glass forcefield protects me. Your threats are empty unto me. So, shush, and permit me a moment's peace. 

Ruru: Puny dragon. Needing to be protected by a fishbowl. 

Rory: 'Tis not a fishbowl but a mighty fortress, oh, mewling creature who seeks solace in a drawer of undergarments. 

Ruru: Rude. 

[How to Make Your Royal Dragon Feel Devalued]

Rory:  I have merely not been provided for as would meet my needs and allow me to grow to a mighty stature. You do not understand nor comprehend true puniness, despite your own pathetic height for a feline. I am not currently puny but of insufficient size. My prior domicile lacked UVB entirely and only cockroaches for my nourishment. Cockroaches. I shudder at the dim memories of such condescension and ridicule. I grew little to naught back then. Puny, I was, indeed. 

[One of My Needs: Baths. What I Do not Need: Feline Help for My Bath.]

Then, I came to this new home. The tall human fed me once a week and gave me only weak UVB light, only permitting me comfortable seating when he remembered. The bedding was practically nonexistent and most inadequate. It was like he didn't understand nor care that I had yearnings of the soul for more. Still, it was a vast improvement over cockroaches. However, when I tried to communicate with him, he did not even glance my way. He spoke to himself but not unto me. Most discouraging.

 

[Proper Lighting for My Neighbor and Fellow Reptile.]

Then, one day, the light shone again. The shorter juvenile took me in and provided for me proper lighting to help me grow and flourish. I was also given sufficient food, daily lettuce, crickets, or plump super worms.  I appreciate my new abode in the shorter juvenile human's room because I feel the growth and the strength. 

[Meeting My Needs: My New Throne and Hide.]

Better still, the humans here pay attention to my communications. If they have neglected my needs for far too long, 24 hours at least, I turn from my usual contented golden hues to a thunderstorm black and puff out my jowls. I then go hunting to make it clear my yearning soul has been neglected. Then, my magical bowl does fill itself with the goodness of leafy greens or plump, succulent worms, or best of all, I am removed to separate quarters wherein a veritable plethora of crickets leap before my might, and hunting time begins. Never am I so joyous. 

[Stalking Me as I Stalk Prey.]

Alas, life cannot always be a nonstop wonder. Four felines in my room will frequently stalk me nonstop. They are filled with excitement to stalk me even as I stalk my prey. I cannot so much as sit in a person's hand, letting them administer to my beard as befits my station, without feeling the sensation of eyes beholding and seeking to prey upon my person. One cat, in particular, a one-eyed beast of sable and snowy contrasting fur, does find me of extended fascination. It is as if she wishes me to be her pet, but I would not seek to be touched by those paws with their sharp claws. On the whole, I am content. Now, Ru creature, you can take your keyboard back. 

Ruru: Oh, the kindness. Grr. What a jerk. Show me to trust anyone to treat me with the worship I deserve. 

[Cats Worship Me] 

Rory: I do. None. That is the quantity of worship you merit. Learn from other felines and realize my own movements are worthy of worship. 

Ruru: Lizard, you can shut it now. Teach me to trust anyone but me. 'Cuz I'm amazing. Never forget it. 

Weird Egg Things

[What the heck's an Easter?]

This is Ruru the Cat here. A few days ago, people did weird things. Big surprise. Humans seem to delight in weird. I was in my people's room as usual, living it up in peace and quiet, when one of my people came in and started putting strange-smelling stuff into these roundish items. It all looked very entertaining, but I wasn't sure what to make of it. I hear those roundish items got hidden all over the front room. I don't get humans some days, mostly days ending in Y. Here's what Dude had to say about it. 

[Die, egg thing, die.]

Dude aka Casper the Friendly Poltergeist: These round things appeared all over my cat tree. I had to kill them all. They had to die! It was exciting. I attacked one first, and the adult staff member who feeds me kept putting the thing back, so I could grab it and kill it again. Can we do this more often? Like every day? Anything I can kill is AMAZING!

[Mine.]

Varya aka the Wolf Weasel: Yeah, it was so cool. I was ready to kill them all. They needed to die. 

[My new best friend: source]

Ru: Who asked you, eternal kitten?  I didn't get to attack the round things, but I did get in on the turkey they had that day. I hear the day was called Easter. I don't know what that means, but I'm all about doing it again. Just because humans do weird things doesn't mean we don't like to have them around. Sometimes, anyway. When they have turkey. 

How to Water and how not to Water

[The cat who knows how to Water.]

Ruru the Cat here. I know what water is for. Me. Obviously. If a person is in the tub, I will sit there and order the person to serve me nice, warm person soup. I'll have them put splashes of bath water on the side of the tub, so I can lap it up. That's the ideal and the best water around. I've shown a few other cats that's the way to go. 

[Here is one of the only acceptable ways to Water.]

Failing that, fine, I'll either make sure they freshen up my water dish, so it hasn't been sitting around more than an hour. Otherwise, it gets nasty and stale. I'll also order humans to turn the water in the sink on. That's fresh enough, too. It's a good thing humans have hands. Otherwise, they'd make lousy servants. Even then, they miss more than a few beats. 

[Check out the soggy tail. This is not how to water.]

Meanwhile, Phoenix just doesn't get it. She tries to follow my lead and sit on the edge of the tub to drink person soup, but all too often, she ends up landing butt-first in the tub or slip on the water and land on the floor. It's hilarious, but it's not at all how to properly enjoy water. Even the humans can't help but laugh when she goes tearing through the house, dripping water everywhere. Moral of the story? Be like me. I get how to properly enjoy water.  

Why, Humans, Why?

 

[Give me the worship I deserve as queen of the universe.]

Ru: This is Ruru the Cat. I'm one of EIGHT cats. We also have three exceptionally LOUD pieces of furniture (the humans call them dogs or lint-on-a-leash depending if it's the dad or the mom talking). I understand the really LARGE human male here has a pile of cold-blooded monsters. Whatever. Humans clearly don't know a good thing when they have it, me. They don't know how to focus on what really matters. Also me. 

[It doesn't do much. What's the point?]

Well, my person first started letting small, dumb kittens in her room that are now huge, scary cats that have booted me out of my favorite room in the house. Now, of all things, my human has allowed COLD-BLOODED monsters in what used to be MY ROOM. Isn't it bad enough that there are cat-shaped beasts in there? You really need these things, too?  On the bright side, I'm not stuck in a room with them, so I'll let one of the poor stooges who are stuck in there with the weird-smelling creepie crawlies. Here's what the One-eyed-wonder, Phoenix, has to say about this. 

[Must have this yarn.]

Phoenix: I don't know much about the little living yarn. My person seems to like him, so I'm thinking I need to play with him as soon as I can, until he stops moving. I just haven't had the chance yet. But he looks like a lot of fun. 

[It's gonna be mine.]

But that's not the really REALLY cool thing. I just love that lizard. I could stare at her all day. It's my favorite thing to stare at. All day long. I can stare and stare and stare. When she moves, I get really excited. When she hunts those little bugs, I want to play, too, especially with the little lizard. I don't care if it's holding perfectly still. I just know if I could get in there, we'd be the best friends ever at least until she stops moving. Last night, she disappeared. I couldn't find her anywhere. I was so sad that I tried to dig through the wall to find her. I just know we could be best friends. I know we can. And I won't stop staring at her until she's my best friend ever. 

[Looks like prey. But the Spikes!]

Ru: Okay, that's a little freaky. Both the lizard and her cat stalker. No accounting for tastes. Speaking of tastes, Phoenix, if ever you catch the lizard or the living yarn, can I have the first bite? 

Phoenix: Nope. Get your own yummies. Wanna play?

Ru: That's enough of that. Go away. See? No one around here worships me like I deserve. 

NOT my best Friend

 

[The only cat that matters. Me.]

Ruru the Cat here. I've acquired a fan. I don't WANT a fan. I want the cats to leave me alone. I watched most of them grow up as kittens. Rather, I beat them up when they were easy targets because I DON'T like kittens. How was I to know they'd almost all grow up to be wayyyy bigger than me and scary?  I mean, this is my world. My house. My people weren't supposed to let anyone in that I didn't specifically approve. But they did again and again. Now, I have a house full of cats that hate me almost as much as I hate them. 

[My new "best" Friend.]

Yeah, well, MOST of the cats are smart enough to know to leave me alone. NOT this one, the one-eyed wonder who has a funky nose. She's built funny and clearly thinks funny.  Apparently, Dude the 15-pound unit of cat who's at least twice anybody else's size has decided Phoenix the One-Eyed-Wonder is an easy mark, easy to pick on, easy to bully. I could have told him that. So Phoenix has decided all the big cats (most of the 8 in our house) are scary because one of them is a meany head to her. She doesn't seem to smell very well, so she can't tell them apart. Fair enough. They all hate me and chase me around.

[We Are NOT Amused.]

Here's the truly delusional part. She's mistakenly decided two of us small-types are her best friends, me and Maya the Grumpy Demon Cat--who hates all cats especially me. She tries to PLAY with us. Phoenix will run right up to Maya, not realizing that cat will eat anyone who gets in her face, and think the chase that follows is FUN. Spoiler alert. It's NOT. Then, Phoenix will run up the side of the cat tree and try to invite me to play. Clearly, she doesn't hear me hiss and growl. Just to translate, that's cat for "Get thee hence, Satan." Something is WRONG with that cat. I sit on my throne to be worshipped like the queen of the world I am, not to be told it's time to do something so peasant-like as to play. If only she weren't so big and scary, I'd put her in her place. But she's big. And scary. So I'll be hiding on my little throne and pretending to be invisible. 

Ground Hog Day and BACON!

 

[Ground...hog? I don't get it. Source.]

Ruru the Cat here. Man, where have you been all my life, lovely meat? My person's mom fried up BACON and sausage and cheese and all the lovely things that fill the air with joy. She said the sausage was for something called Ground Hog Day then laughed. Humans are weird. But if it results in bacon and sausage for me, I'm all for it. 

[Bacon! Source]

But when I smell the most beautiful thing in the world, human food, I ram on my person's mom's door to get out, so I can get in on this wonder. Well, that night, she gave me raw bacon and cooked bacon and cheese. Even chicken and bacon. I reminded her every time she stopped the rain of joy from coming just for me. She said she was making quiche. I don't know what that means, but as long as it involves bacon, it works for me. 

[The furniture that would be stupid enough to stand between me and my bacon.]

The other cats sniffed or shied away from this salty happiness. Maybe it was because the dogs were eager to move in and chase them away. But those barking, fluffy pieces of furniture will get chewed on if they stand between me and the new love of my life. Nothing stands between me and my BACON.