Halloween is for Humans

Ruru the Cat here.  This Halloween stuff is just not right.  Not right, I tell you.  People do weird things this time of year like petting me with a fake hand like in that picture above.  They keep scaring the snot out of the puppy every time they come in the house dressed in some weird way, especially when they wear hats.  Our people keep disappearing strange places and coming back with bags full of something that smells good, but they won't give us any.  I think somebody called it chocolate.  I can handle all this.  I can.  I don't like it, but I can handle it.

But then there's the crap I can't handle.  I mean, serious crap.  They want to dress themselves in weird costumes, fine.  My person's been dressed like me for three days now, and she looks silly.  Her cat ears aren't very convincing.  Her tail is sad.  It's just an embarrassing imitation.  But then she starts pulling those tricks on me.  I DON'T wear costumes.  She keeps doing it, too.  And it covers my face.  I look ridiculous.  This Halloween stuff is for the birds.  Worse, for the humans.  I just don't get how my person likes it so much.  She's nuts.  They're all nuts.  I just don't get it.

Cooties

                                   

                                                [Heroic me saving the puppy from cooties]

Ruru the Cat, here.  Did you know you, person, have cooties?  Yes, You do.  Person cooties are really bad.  I love people, don't get me wrong.  I love to let them pet me when I'm in the mood.  Or even when I'm not in the mood.  I can make space in my mood for people who want to pet me and hug me and play with my ears.  Especially when that person is my special person.  Except when she tries to stick her fingers in my mouth or dress me up in clothing or... well, those are subjects for another day.
But today, I have to tell you that people have serious cooties.  I would let you pet me if you were here, then I'd have to clean off your cooties, every last one.  I can't stand person cooties.  Don't ask me how this makes sense, that I love it when people touch me but can't stand their cooties.  But every time a person so much as touches my ear or the tip of my tail, I have to bathe the spot for a long time.  We're talking ten minutes.  Maybe more.  In cat time?  Let's see.  I've never been good at math.  But it's a LOT.  It's a serious lot of work to clean off your cooties.

So as a humble request from my species to yours, please keep your cooties to yourself.  I've tried to clean person cooties off the person first to make sure you don't spread them, but you spread them anyway.  It's kind of frustrating.  I mean, what self-respecting cat wants to smell like PERSON?  The dog doesn't seem to mind, which seems kind of weird.  I've tried to help her stop smelling like person, but it's kind of useless because she just goes and gets more cooties again, like she likes it.  Seriously, people, it's just gross.  You're gross.  But I love you, anyway.

How do you entertain a human?

                                                       (Me with stupid tape on my head)

Ruru the Cat here.  The funniest thing happened recently.  My person decided to cover the dog in tape.  Okay, maybe not cover her, but put little pieces on her to see how she'd react.  And that dog went nuts, running all over, rolling over, jumping on and off furniture to get those little tape bits off.  She just couldn't figure it out.

I laughed so hard.  On the inside, of  course, because cats can't make it too easy on people when it comes to figuring us mysterious feline types out.  It's kind of a rule, if cats can be said to have rules.  But it was so funny.  It only lasted a minute or two, but I thought I would pee myself from laughing that hard.

But then my person turned that silly tape on me.  That wasn't so funny.  I gave her a glare and ripped that stuff off because, let's face it, cats are a lot smarter than dogs and just won't put up with that nonsense.  But let me tell you what, I will cherish that image of a silly puppy running and rolling everywhere for the rest of my life or at least until I forget, whichever comes first.

TODDLERS....Shudder.

Ruru the Cat here.  I thought dogs were bad.  Not kidding.  I wish to issue an apology to dogs everywhere.  I have discovered something scarier than a dog.  We had two itty bitty humans show up.  Man, if I thought dogs and big people smelled bad, these itty bitty humans smelled much WORSE. One of those itty bitty humans didn't seem to move around much, but the other waddled around the whole house.  I heard a scary word applied to this new creature: TODDLER.

This toddler creature was terrifying.  He kept chasing around anything on four legs and patting them.  Hard.  Okay, so I've heard of worse.  Maya told me toddlers she knew would pick her up and drag her around, sometimes even landing on top of her or pulling her tail.  Nothing is worse than a toddler.  It could definitely have been worse.  He didn't chase all of us all of the time.  He had too much to do, running from room to room, banging loud things together, which hurt my ears, making all sorts of squawking noises, which also hurt my ears, and taking up the space we usually have to run around in.

On the bright side, he dropped bits of yummy stuff everywhere.  But I didn't get them.  I knew better than to actually show myself the WHOLE TIME, so that annoying puppy got them.  Then again, the puppy also got more attention.  Poor puppy.  And though the stuff that came with the itty bitty humans smelled interesting, I watched what happened.  When my brothers played around in and  stuff that smelled of these little bitty people, they got chased off by the big person who watched over these itty bitty people.  My whole house was used up by this toddler and the smaller version of him.

I have to say if I got anything out of this weekend, it's an appreciation for the stupidity and usefulness of puppies.  The puppy kept the toddler busy.  Okay, maybe I won't banish her to another planet.  Yet.

Monster!

This is Ruru the Cat.  Yes, I said cat.  What part of that concept is so hard for my people to understand?  I'm a cat.  I don't like big mean dogs.  Yet my people keep letting these monsters in the house.  It's big, mostly white, and can bark loudly enough to blow a fly off a cat's ear.  I watched it chase Toothless up a wall!  A wall!  I mean, all the way almost up to the top of the doorjamb.

Why do people keep doing this to us defenseless cats?  AND worse yet, it keeps eating our backup food supply, also known the dogs' food.  It's OUR food supply, not the big, hulking monster's.  Mine.  You know what?  Some days, I wish all dogs everywhere would just go find their own planet.  Planet Dog.  We could put up signs, and everyone would know to stay away 'cuz big scary monsters live there, waiting to eat your food and chase you up walls.