Weird Egg Things

[What the heck's an Easter?]

This is Ruru the Cat here. A few days ago, people did weird things. Big surprise. Humans seem to delight in weird. I was in my people's room as usual, living it up in peace and quiet, when one of my people came in and started putting strange-smelling stuff into these roundish items. It all looked very entertaining, but I wasn't sure what to make of it. I hear those roundish items got hidden all over the front room. I don't get humans some days, mostly days ending in Y. Here's what Dude had to say about it. 

[Die, egg thing, die.]

Dude aka Casper the Friendly Poltergeist: These round things appeared all over my cat tree. I had to kill them all. They had to die! It was exciting. I attacked one first, and the adult staff member who feeds me kept putting the thing back, so I could grab it and kill it again. Can we do this more often? Like every day? Anything I can kill is AMAZING!

[Mine.]

Varya aka the Wolf Weasel: Yeah, it was so cool. I was ready to kill them all. They needed to die. 

[My new best friend: source]

Ru: Who asked you, eternal kitten?  I didn't get to attack the round things, but I did get in on the turkey they had that day. I hear the day was called Easter. I don't know what that means, but I'm all about doing it again. Just because humans do weird things doesn't mean we don't like to have them around. Sometimes, anyway. When they have turkey. 

How to Water and how not to Water

[The cat who knows how to Water.]

Ruru the Cat here. I know what water is for. Me. Obviously. If a person is in the tub, I will sit there and order the person to serve me nice, warm person soup. I'll have them put splashes of bath water on the side of the tub, so I can lap it up. That's the ideal and the best water around. I've shown a few other cats that's the way to go. 

[Here is one of the only acceptable ways to Water.]

Failing that, fine, I'll either make sure they freshen up my water dish, so it hasn't been sitting around more than an hour. Otherwise, it gets nasty and stale. I'll also order humans to turn the water in the sink on. That's fresh enough, too. It's a good thing humans have hands. Otherwise, they'd make lousy servants. Even then, they miss more than a few beats. 

[Check out the soggy tail. This is not how to water.]

Meanwhile, Phoenix just doesn't get it. She tries to follow my lead and sit on the edge of the tub to drink person soup, but all too often, she ends up landing butt-first in the tub or slip on the water and land on the floor. It's hilarious, but it's not at all how to properly enjoy water. Even the humans can't help but laugh when she goes tearing through the house, dripping water everywhere. Moral of the story? Be like me. I get how to properly enjoy water.  

Why, Humans, Why?

 

[Give me the worship I deserve as queen of the universe.]

Ru: This is Ruru the Cat. I'm one of EIGHT cats. We also have three exceptionally LOUD pieces of furniture (the humans call them dogs or lint-on-a-leash depending if it's the dad or the mom talking). I understand the really LARGE human male here has a pile of cold-blooded monsters. Whatever. Humans clearly don't know a good thing when they have it, me. They don't know how to focus on what really matters. Also me. 

[It doesn't do much. What's the point?]

Well, my person first started letting small, dumb kittens in her room that are now huge, scary cats that have booted me out of my favorite room in the house. Now, of all things, my human has allowed COLD-BLOODED monsters in what used to be MY ROOM. Isn't it bad enough that there are cat-shaped beasts in there? You really need these things, too?  On the bright side, I'm not stuck in a room with them, so I'll let one of the poor stooges who are stuck in there with the weird-smelling creepie crawlies. Here's what the One-eyed-wonder, Phoenix, has to say about this. 

[Must have this yarn.]

Phoenix: I don't know much about the little living yarn. My person seems to like him, so I'm thinking I need to play with him as soon as I can, until he stops moving. I just haven't had the chance yet. But he looks like a lot of fun. 

[It's gonna be mine.]

But that's not the really REALLY cool thing. I just love that lizard. I could stare at her all day. It's my favorite thing to stare at. All day long. I can stare and stare and stare. When she moves, I get really excited. When she hunts those little bugs, I want to play, too, especially with the little lizard. I don't care if it's holding perfectly still. I just know if I could get in there, we'd be the best friends ever at least until she stops moving. Last night, she disappeared. I couldn't find her anywhere. I was so sad that I tried to dig through the wall to find her. I just know we could be best friends. I know we can. And I won't stop staring at her until she's my best friend ever. 

[Looks like prey. But the Spikes!]

Ru: Okay, that's a little freaky. Both the lizard and her cat stalker. No accounting for tastes. Speaking of tastes, Phoenix, if ever you catch the lizard or the living yarn, can I have the first bite? 

Phoenix: Nope. Get your own yummies. Wanna play?

Ru: That's enough of that. Go away. See? No one around here worships me like I deserve. 

NOT my best Friend

 

[The only cat that matters. Me.]

Ruru the Cat here. I've acquired a fan. I don't WANT a fan. I want the cats to leave me alone. I watched most of them grow up as kittens. Rather, I beat them up when they were easy targets because I DON'T like kittens. How was I to know they'd almost all grow up to be wayyyy bigger than me and scary?  I mean, this is my world. My house. My people weren't supposed to let anyone in that I didn't specifically approve. But they did again and again. Now, I have a house full of cats that hate me almost as much as I hate them. 

[My new "best" Friend.]

Yeah, well, MOST of the cats are smart enough to know to leave me alone. NOT this one, the one-eyed wonder who has a funky nose. She's built funny and clearly thinks funny.  Apparently, Dude the 15-pound unit of cat who's at least twice anybody else's size has decided Phoenix the One-Eyed-Wonder is an easy mark, easy to pick on, easy to bully. I could have told him that. So Phoenix has decided all the big cats (most of the 8 in our house) are scary because one of them is a meany head to her. She doesn't seem to smell very well, so she can't tell them apart. Fair enough. They all hate me and chase me around.

[We Are NOT Amused.]

Here's the truly delusional part. She's mistakenly decided two of us small-types are her best friends, me and Maya the Grumpy Demon Cat--who hates all cats especially me. She tries to PLAY with us. Phoenix will run right up to Maya, not realizing that cat will eat anyone who gets in her face, and think the chase that follows is FUN. Spoiler alert. It's NOT. Then, Phoenix will run up the side of the cat tree and try to invite me to play. Clearly, she doesn't hear me hiss and growl. Just to translate, that's cat for "Get thee hence, Satan." Something is WRONG with that cat. I sit on my throne to be worshipped like the queen of the world I am, not to be told it's time to do something so peasant-like as to play. If only she weren't so big and scary, I'd put her in her place. But she's big. And scary. So I'll be hiding on my little throne and pretending to be invisible. 

Ground Hog Day and BACON!

 

[Ground...hog? I don't get it. Source.]

Ruru the Cat here. Man, where have you been all my life, lovely meat? My person's mom fried up BACON and sausage and cheese and all the lovely things that fill the air with joy. She said the sausage was for something called Ground Hog Day then laughed. Humans are weird. But if it results in bacon and sausage for me, I'm all for it. 

[Bacon! Source]

But when I smell the most beautiful thing in the world, human food, I ram on my person's mom's door to get out, so I can get in on this wonder. Well, that night, she gave me raw bacon and cooked bacon and cheese. Even chicken and bacon. I reminded her every time she stopped the rain of joy from coming just for me. She said she was making quiche. I don't know what that means, but as long as it involves bacon, it works for me. 

[The furniture that would be stupid enough to stand between me and my bacon.]

The other cats sniffed or shied away from this salty happiness. Maybe it was because the dogs were eager to move in and chase them away. But those barking, fluffy pieces of furniture will get chewed on if they stand between me and the new love of my life. Nothing stands between me and my BACON. 

Refocusing on What's Important: Me

[This is NOT my house. Don't go there. I'm NOT there. Focus, people.]

Ruru the Cat here. My people keep letting the new neighbors into my house. I don't get it. Things were so peaceful (other than the jerky cats in the house, which is all of them but me). Now, they come here a lot and take up the spaces cats are supposed to occupy. And they're SCARY. They like to TOUCH us. And they don't even know us. What kind of monsters are these? 

[Not me. Stop losing focus. Source.]

Next thing you know, these neighbors will be bringing in their own cats, and my people will touch them and smell like them. I don't know what I can handle that kind of stress. These are my people, my hands, that are supposed to touch and play with ME, not other cats. There's too much competition around here as it is. 

[Where your focus should be: ON ME.]

You see, this is the way everyone's life should be focused: on me. Look how sweet and kind and pretty I am. And my fur is so silky and smooth. You're supposed to pet ONLY ME or ELSE.  Because I'm so nice, I will let you. I may even pur for you. I seriously don't understand why my people need anyone else.  

Burrowing Mammal

 

[Crazy kitten looking to get under the blanket.]

Ruru the Cat here. The kitten, the only cat smaller than me, is weird. Thing is crazy. Varya seeks out blankets and burrows under them. How does she not feel trapped?  

[Aggressively friendly.]

I don't understand her need to be aggressively friendly with cats and people. However, I can see her passion for boxes. Any box, any time. That's valid. Sitting in my drawers in the bathroom? Technically, they're mine. I claimed them years ago. But it makes sense she likes them. 

[The Face of Insanity]

But hiding under blankets? I can see that would be warm. But how do they pet you? How do you escape if a scary cat comes along to growl at you?  How does this even work? It doesn't make sense to me, but there she is, every night, climbing under my person's mom's fuzzy blanket. I just don't get it. We had a DOG that used to do that. Maybe this cat is actually a dog. It would almost make her make sense.