Can I Kill It?

 

[Not another danger noodle.]

Ruru: Ruru the cat here. So my people showed me yet another living noodle. I thought my people already had two of those. Why would they need ANOTHER snake when they have me? People just don't get it. I hear they feed these things rats or mice or something. Come on. Priorities. I'm here. I like rats and mice. Why give those to the wrong party when I'm here? 

[Looks edible.]

Hey, people, that thing you're showing me? Snuggles, is it? Can I have him? No? Okay, can I just play with him a little? He's small, smaller than me. You could leave him with me. I'll babysit. We could become best friends even. I'll take care of him. Then he won't be your problem anymore. You won't have to feed him...or me. At least for tonight. Seems like a good plan, a fun plan. Just let me take him off your hands. 

[Um...no]

Snuggles the Snake: That thing over there? I don't like it. It'sss ssscary. I like to eat sssmall, fluffy things. That thing is fluffy but not sssmall. And it hasss claws and teeth. I don't know what it isss, but keep me far, far away from it. 

[Mine]

Ruru: Seriously? You're taking his side? That ain't right, people. I've been your friend for years. And you don't trust me to take extra good care of that living string? I promise I won't kill it. Much. Only a little. I'll leave it almost as good as I found it. Sort of. If you're not going to give me his rats, the least you could do is leave us alone to play. 

[Look at me, innocent as the day is long.]

Fine. Be that way. I'll just watch. And wait. And watch closely. Can I get closer? Can I watch with my claws? Dangit, where are you going with that thing? Bring it back! It's mine! I claimed it. Gah. You owe me. I'd better get a really good Christmas present. Like a snake. 

My Jungle Gym's Guard

[Oh, for the day when the tree was mine.]

Ruru the Cat here. I used to own the tree as my personal jungle gym. I could protect it from all those who would challenge me. I could climb all over in the tree and knock off everything. They'd put it all back, and I could start over. The fragile stuff would shatter. It was very satisfying. 

[Not fair.]

Well, then other kittens then cats started muscling in on my jungle gym. They'd attack it and knock off MY ornaments. They'd kill MY tinsel and garlands. All I could do was try to attack them until they got too big. Then, I could only stand by and watch it happen. 

[Someone claimed my jungle gym.]

Then, a couple of years ago, a huge monster bigger than us all put together showed up and claimed the tree. He started out a kitten I could knock around. But then, he grew to the size of a panther and decided the tree was all his. Now, he stands guard by the tree (and sometimes in my tree) to make it clear none of the rest of us can touch it. Some of the others have managed to sneak by but not me. I've given up. 

[The big lug being shown he's not the biggest or the strongest.]

But my person showed him recently that he's not as big and strong as he thinks he is. She flipped him and held him as he growled and hissed. It was very satisfying, though I was also jealous at the same time. She's my person, not his. But this gave me hope that one of these days, I will get my tree back. I just have to be patient and stalk it. It will be mine again. Eventually. 

My Spot, My Hand, Mine Mine Mine

[Me in my spot.]

Ruru the Cat here. I don't know why other cats don't understand that this is my house because I was here first. Well, except for Maya. But she doesn't count because she's not me. I got here first. I marked it all with my face. This is MY cat tree. See me in it? I like it, so it's mine. 

[The Wrong Cat in My Spot.]

Here is a misguided cat, who clearly doesn't understand all this. She's the youngest and came last. She should get that everything here is already claimed. By me. Many times over. But here she is, getting love from my hand on my perch. No wonder her name is Varya, which means wolf and thief. 

[Varya in My Box.]

She's befriended all the cats in the house. She's rubbed her own face across my stuff. She eats my dog food that I stole fair and square. Now, she claims every box that has shown up in the house. Every one. If there's a box, she's in it. I like boxes, so they should be mine. Why me? How I suffer. 

Books about Me!

[My Book. Ignore the others.]

Ruru the Cat here. Everyone knows I'm amazing. Well, I did an amazing thing and let my human do another amazing thing. I'm now in books! Yay for me! My person asked me to write a book about me, but she wanted me to pretend to be nicer. She said kids don't need to see me being rude. Come on! I am nice! The nicest thing I can do is show how great I am. You can read my book here for free for a few days. Just don't read the rest of the book. It's not about me, or not enough. It's about kittens (bad) and puppies (worse). Seriously. Why can't it all be about me?

[I'm the one on the right. The awesome one.]

My person kind of made up for it by making a book about me as a kitten. So, it's not exactly the real me. It's the fictional version of me, wherein I have sisters but not my real sisters. Cass is a cat who moved away. She wasn't so bad, but she didn't like me. Go figure. She was NOT my sister. Maya is actually the grouchy, grumpy old lady Halloween cat. I think my people said she's 13, but she seems so much older, like three thousand years. Our oldest sister in the book is Cookie. I don't know who that is except my people talk about this fictional cat named Cookie in their book, Doomimals. So my people somehow got everything about me wrong, except my amazingness. You can read an illustrated picture book about me here, also free for a few days. 

[The problem with this cover is it doesn't have me. Same with the book. The next one better.]

I'm super excited my fictional version will also be in Doomimals book 2. It's a "Three Little Kittens" version. Okay, so I don't know how I feel about being immortalized as a kitten. I don't LIKE kittens. I don't even remember much about my own kittenhood. But still, it's great that everyone will get to know about ME. 'Cuz I'm awesome. Don't forget it. 

The Higher the Better

[Looking down on my tree.]

Ruru the Cat here. I love my cat tree. It's comfy and, above all, puts me above everyone else, so I can be worshipped properly. But I've found something better. 

[Looking down at the little people in my kingdom.]

It's the shelf ABOVE my tree. I can sit between what people call hats and wait for the worship to pour in. I get to tower over all the taller cats, the dogs, and even the humans! It's the best thing ever. 

[Happy cat.]

You've never seen a cat so happy as one high up on a shelf. We get to keep our distance from anyone who could hurt us and observe the little people down below. Ah, that I could live on that shelf. Except there's no food. Or mice. Or hands to pet us. Okay, fine. I'll come down. But only if you worship me first. 

When They Sneak up on You

[Me, minding my own business on my cat tree.]

Ruru the Cat here. I've filed complaints with management (i.e. my slacker human staff) about this cat before, but it's really getting old. A certain cat around here is under the delusion that she's my very bestest friend in the whole wide world. Like I said, delusional. I have no best friends, at least among the four-legged variety. I'm a big fan of humans (except when they're being slackers) because they own hands. And body heat. See my last blog for the awesomeness that is the human hand used correctly. 

[Someone's inviting me to play. Just no!]

Well, this cat's name is Phoenix. She's half-blind, but you'd think she was all blind with the way she can't see I don't like her. She'll jump right out at me and say, "Play?" I know when she's proper type of attacking to kill because she'll growl and hiss at every cat that isn't me or Maya (her even better bestest friend supposedly. Poor thing.) She finds them terrifying because they're BIG. I guess I should take it as an insult that she likes me at all. 

[This is me, hiding, NOT inviting play.]

So I'll be sitting there, minding my own business. Taking a nap, taking in the glow of my kingdom as queen of the world, waiting for treats at the top of my cat tree, waiting to steal my dog food...it doesn't much matter what I'm doing. I'll be at peace when she comes right up to me and invites me to play with her. PLAY! Do I look like a kitten? I only play solitaire by killing my tail. Sometimes, I condescend to play slaps with my humans when they tap my tail respectfully, and I tap back, then they tap and so on. I'm pretty good at that one. But what I do NOT do is play with other cats. Like a kitten. It seems so childish and annoying. 

[Here she is, getting ready to pounce on ME.]

The only thing that makes it tolerable is I get the upper hand. Sometimes, I'll just watch her antics, tail wagging, but sometimes, she makes this impossible by actually touching me with those huge murder mittens of hers. It's TERRIFYING. Can someone please haul this cat away? Please? Tell me. What would you do to protect me from these attacks? 

Bookworm

 

[This weirdo loves books.]

Ruru the Cat here. You know how much I hate kittens? Hint: a lot. Well, we have this cat around here who just won't grow up. She's decided to remain forever small and just keep acting like a kitten. It's almost cute when she sticks pipe cleaners on Wren's head or talks to those stupid pipe cleaners. Or when she's messing with other cats. It's even cute when she messes with the humans' projects. She can't get enough of climbing in and around books. 

[It's not enough to snuggle the book. She has to burrow.]

But when she runs up my nice, safe cat tree and messes with me when I'm trying to nap? She's gone too far. Honestly. That Varya is a nut. A kitten who refuses to cat, even though she's almost two years old. You'd think a cat would mature out of that. But you can just see how she won't stop playing. She is chaos incarnate. 

[What even is this thing.]

All these doodles tell me my humans have been working on that book that has me in it again. I'm eager to have everyone talk about how amazing I am. But here, of course, the undersized cat/oversized kitten is messing with these pictures, including drawings of me. That kitten drives me nuts. 

The Point of a Hand

 

[The Purpose of hands.]

Ruru the Cat here. Human hands are great. They can pet me, feed me, give me water, bring me toys like catnip and mice with feathers, and play Slaps with my tail. Human hands are the best things ever. Wayyy better than other cats.

[Me Offering to Play]

Slaps, you ask? Yes, I love to play slaps. I haven't seen other cats do it. I don't know what's wrong with them. It's great. The human pats my tail, and my tail taps back. Then the human taps again. It could go on for quite a while. It's for when I'm not in the mood to let humans touch me in some other way. 

[How you should see your cat's belly. Source]

Because you HAVE to listen to a cat's body language. Seriously. Don't touch us when we're not inviting it, or you could get bear trapped. You'll be reminded of many cats' favorite love language: kill. Unless you're really not attached to that hand. Then, be my guest. 

[Clearly Misplaced Priorities]

However, humans seem to think hands have purposes other than taking care of cats. This is a totally wild delusion that makes no sense to me. How can there possibly be some other reason for those things to exist? You seem to think you should spend time with your hands playing with computers, pressing buttons, moving stuff around, hugging each other, or even scratching your nose. 

[Do the Right Thing. You Know You Want To.]

This clearly shows messed up priorities on your part. Come on. The purpose of everything is felinity. Particularly this cat. But I know most of you don't have access to me to show me the worship I deserve. So as a cold second choice, you should be petting your own cat. Stop wasting time on your computer, and go fulfill your purpose in this world NOW. 

Picking Friends

 

[Humans and dogs. Why?]

Ruru the Cat here. I've said it before. Humans have weird tastes in friends. They like dogs and other cats. Why? It mystifies me. I tolerate the dogs because they are throw rugs who happen to own body heat. But to consider them friends?  Not me. 

[My brother, the lump.]

The only cat I tolerate, and that only sometimes, is my brother. He's okay. Kind of a lump, but he doesn't attack me or chase me around like they do. 

[Other cats. Ew.]

Other cats, however, are the very devil. Especially kittens. They don't respect your dignity at all. They ATTACK you and steal your spot and your dog food you stole fair and square. So glad we no longer have any of those nasty pests around here. 

[Humans. Yes.]

Humans, however, not only have body heat but also hands. And no claws or sharp teeth. Humans are really great for a snuggle. But not for their taste in friends. Want more evidence? 

[Exibit C. Just no.]

Tails can be friends. I'll chase them for hours. I can even attack it, and it won't attack back. I can snuggle it, and it even has body heat. Tails are great. I can hang out with pipe cleaners and tails. Long, skinny things without sharp teeth. Pipe cleaners make good prey. Snakes CANNOT be friends. To anyone. I don't even want them for prey because they have teeth. Humans, why do you make friends with useless animals and...whatever a snake is? I just don't understand humans and their friendships at all. If you had a tail, you'd understand what a friend they can be. Just go get a tail. Then, you'll have a best friend. What are you still doing here? Get to it. 

Alien Invasion!

[Saucy little monsters invading my house.]

Ruru the Cat here. My humans are deeply disturbed. That much is clear by the enemies they allow in their very house. In the past, they've allowed kitten after kitten in my house without asking my permission. KITTENS. Like the kind that don't know any better than to attack me. Eat my food. Ignore my orders. You know, TERRIBLE THINGS. I thought few things were worse than kittens. 

[Saucy bigger monsters.]

But then, my humans would allow DOGS into my house. I'm not talking about our furniture dogs, the little throw rugs that sometimes eat my dog food. The nerve. Mostly, they provide body heat and comic relief to an otherwise peaceful existence. No, I mean real DOGS, like the scary yetis, smelly mutts, a big dog who has been visiting recently and who even pooped in my basement. Once again, I thought my humans couldn't stoop any lower. 

[WHAT IS THIS THING?]

But no, they found something else to bring in the house. I don't even have words for this thing. It has little horns that tell me it's dangerous. It has these weird eyes with RECTANGLES in them. Rectangles, I tell you. Who has those? It also has these legs that don't quit. Instead of ending in respectable toe beans like everyone around here has, they end in these sharp things that look deadly. They're pointy and mean-looking. Hooves, I think they're called. And the thing is ALL LEGS. There's a little body there, somewhere, but I imagine the thing can really stomp and kick us. It looks like a scary weapon more than a living thing. And they kept giving it milk that smelled good and, therefore, should have gone to me. 

[No, I mean it. What is that thing?]

I just don't understand what my people are thinking. It's utter nonsense that they can let these monsters in my house without a royal decree of some sort, signed by me. My people just don't understand the rules of the world because I make them, and they clearly lack understanding of how to sue for my permission. Honestly. What is their problem? 

Zoomy New Floor

 

[My house, all torn apart.]

Ruru the Cat here. We've had a hectic few weeks. Well, not me. I hid out in my room, the quiet one out of which my people toss me out night, like the jerks they are. But every time I came out, I'd hear the traumas and dramas that went with my people tearing apart my house. WithOUT my permission, I might add. Where's the respect, I ask you? I'll make everyone else tell you because I wasn't there for most of it. It was still upsetting, nonetheless. 

[Empty shelves.]

Phoenix: they took books off the shelf, which was amazing! i got to climb up on top! it was great! but one of the shelves fell with me on top! It was scary. then, they took out the shelves! i was so confused!

[My playroom!]

Dude: Didn't you notice? They cleared out the WHOLE ROOM, even the FLOOR. It stank of generations of pets I will never want to meet. But then, there was this great wooden floor I got to run around on, so it wasn't a total loss. I danced for a while. That part was pretty sweet. Almost made up for my cat tree disappearing for days. 

Phoenix: ah! scary bully cat! get away! hiss! growl!

[Dude in a garbage bag--oh, so fitting.]

Dude: Whatever, kid. Just trying to help. And garbage bags? those were amazing, too. 

Varya: Well, you are a bully cat, Dude. Fight someone your own size! Like me! 

Dude: You're, what, five pounds? You're a quarter my size. 

Varya: Who cares? I can take you.

Dude: Ha! You haven't yet. 

[Comfy floor cover.]

Varya: That won't stop me from trying. So, after they cleared out the whole room, they put this blue stuff down. It was soft. I really approve. Except, then, they put hard stuff on top. It wasn't nearly as comfortable. Kind of sucks, actually. 

Dude: No, it doesn't. It's great. I can slide across it. The zoomiest floor ever!

[The new floor!]

Bean: Yeah! It's great, 'cuz my mommy's on it! I love this new floor! I love anywhere with my mommy! 

[My new, royal carpet.]

Dude: Needy, much? Dogs. Seriously. Best part of this whole thing is they gave me my own carpet on which I can reign like the king of the house I am. Yeah, I definitely like the new look. Makes me feel triumphant. 

[Reminder of who it's all about.]

Ruru: Yeah, get over yourself, Dude. It's still my house. Uppity kids these days. So, yeah, everybody had to deal with the tearing apart of my house. I'm sure it was so hard for everyone. Glad I didn't have to deal with it. Sucks to be all of you. I get all the perks and none of the plight. Works for me. 

Catnip!

 

[My favorite thing; source]

Ruru the Cat here. I love catnip. Love love love. My people brought me catnip this week. I may not want to go outside or touch grass or smell the big world. But I love spring because it comes with soft, tender catnip I can smell and touch and chase. I can maul it for hours. It's intoxicating. 

[Everybody else got my catnip.]

The only problem I had with this was they shared my catnip with everyone else. They all went nuts for it, even the big panther, Dude. I wanted it all for me. I want to throw it all and swim with it all. I want to haul it everywhere until it dies. Is that too much to ask? Seriously. 

Nasty Places

[Such a nightmarish place, this place called outside. Source]

Ruru the Cat here. There are many places I'm glad I'm not. Outside, for instance. I don't believe in outside. I know it EXISTS, but it shouldn't. It's big, scary, cold, and today, it's wet. I am in firm denial that anything is beyond my walls, and I'm happy that way. I hear there are some insane cats that actually LIKE it out there. *Shudder*  Oh, no. That's not me. 

[Those nasty, smelly boxes.]

For one thing, outside has those nasty, smelly boxes called cars. I've only ridden in them a few times, which is a few too many. The big boxes often involve little, plastic boxes they lock up like a cage. There's nothing good about a car. You can't convince me otherwise. I feel nauseous and want to vomit every time. I feel movement but can't see it. Because I'd have to look outside. No thank you. It's further evidence that humans are insane. 

[The portal to hell.]

But of all places in the horrible, nightmarish outside, the worst of all places is called the vet. I don't know what it means. I just know that all bad things start and end with those three letters. Pain, fear, and horror happen there. Smells of all sorts of big, scary monsters waft over me, making it a cursed place. I hear the haunted voices of lost souls there. It's just not a place that should exist. Well, the stupid dogs have all gone there recently. I don't know why they'd want to, but they all looked eager when they left. That's all the evidence I need that dogs are crazy, too. Here's the particular dumb and annoying Bean to tell you all about it. 

[I love it outside!]

Bean: We went outside!  I love outside! It's amazing! So many smells!

Ru: See? Absolutely nuts. 

Bean: There are people there I don't know! New friends! All good things happen outside!

Ru: Strangers. Just no. 

[Yay for cars!]

Bean: We got into a car, and my person held me the whole time! It was great! I looked out the window and saw so many exciting things! 

Ru: Exciting is code for awful. 

Bean: We drove and drove to a building that smelled like DOGS! New ones, ones I didn't know! I wanted to meet them all! 

Ru: You really are a sick monster, aren't you, little boy? And you're still smaller than me, so I can tease you. 

[The weird building!]

Bean: We went to this exciting building I only sort of remembered. They took me into a room with a new friend! Except he took me away from my mommy and poked things into me!  I didn't like it at all! I thought I'd never see her again!

Ru: Yet still the exclamation points. Such a drama queen. 

Bean: Then, they brought me back and gave me to my mommy!  It was so great! I hadn't seen her in ever so long! But we were together again, and it was awesome! Then, we went home together! It was amazing! I'm so happy when Mommy takes me places!

Ru: What is your problem, weirdo? They put you through hell, and still, you're annoyingly chipper? What is the point of these torture chambers all tied up with outside? I just don't understand dogs at all. Or people.