Serious Heckuva Nope

[An appropriate use for a costume: on a dumb dog]

Ruru the Cat here.  Do I look like a dog?  Seriously?  My person thought it would be hilarious to put me in a costume.  You see that dog in this caterpillar costume?  I keep hearing this weird word "Halloween," going around.  I've seen people dressing up for that.  I wondered if that could be the reason humans think we need to wear these ridiculous things.  It couldn't be because I stole a feather from my person's project.  It has to be that weird H word.  Anyway, so you see, this costume is fine on a DOG.  Dogs like costumes.  Or at least they don't hate them.  Cats (the smart ones, anyway) HATE them.  With a long and abiding passion. 

[NOT an appropriate use for a costume: an an adorable, self-respecting, and intelligent cat.  Note the look of disgust.]

I can only image it was my human's lapse in judgement.  I can't imagine I look like I'm the sort of cat who'd want to be dressed up.  I'm only thankful they didn't find any other ridiculous costumes.  Clothing is for persons, not cats.  Take notes if you think you're gonna forget that.  NOT cats.  

[Where we will go if you're so stupid as to forget we hate clothing.] 

If you're so silly as to think we'll tolerate these humiliating and nasty things, we're so leaving.  Go find a dog to subject to a costume.  Or put it on yourself.  Because we don't want it.  I blogged all about it last year when I talked about how I wanna be naked.  Cats don't believe in clothing.  Period.  Now, get the thing off and stick it on a dog.  

Bad Week to Have Four Legs

[Not a bad week.]

Ruru the Cat here.  I'm not saying my week was bad.  Not at all.  It was a great week.  I got to snuggle with my person a lot.   But I keep hearing whining all around me.

[sucks to be Snow]

Snow the Pomeranian: This week, my person LEFT me.  Like alone.  For a WHOLE DAY.  I was so ALONE.  Except for the dogs and cats and doctors and everybody.  But I was ALONE.  Without MY PERSON!!!  And they stuck me and pricked me like they did last week, even though I screamed as loudly as I could to stop it.  I guess I must have fallen asleep because when I woke up, my mouth felt funny and tasted like blood.  And most of my teeth were GONE!!!!  It was terrible! 

Ru: Yeah, quit whining.  At least you have a few teeth left, AND they gave you some soft, meaty food.  They didn't give me anything like that.  You see how I'm the real martyr here?

[Now, this would be Dodger with a reason to whine--the bath.]

Dodger the Pomeranian:  One day, they took my mate away.  She was just gone, and I was ALONE ALL DAY.  I missed her.  I felt so lost without her.  She came back not feeling good.  I was afraid I'd be next. 

Ru: See my answer above.  You BOTH got the soft, meaty food, and I didn't.  So it sucks to be me.

[George, the black kitten, and his obnoxious invader.]

George (the kitten next door, who lays claim to my people's cousins): My mommy went out and DIDN'T COME BACK!!!  Everyone started crying . I kept wanting to go out to find her, but no one would let me.  They said something like she died, got hit by a car.  What does that mean?  I don't even know.  But I was determined to go out and find her.  I kept trying, but for the first time in my life, no one would let me outside.  Then, they hauled me off to a scary place where they did something, so I went to sleep.  When I woke up, something was different, and I was in pain.  My people used the words "fix" and "neuter," but I don't understand those words, either.  I no sooner got home when I realized my mom had been replaced by another kitten, one who stole my place in my people's BED.  It's not fair!  My life was so beautiful before.  And now, everything has changed.  And I still don't know where mommy went.   

Ru:  Your mom died?  They stuck a strange kitten in your house who took your spot?  Put you to sleep and stole your body parts?  Yeah, not kidding sucks to be you.  I'd call you almost as big of a martyr as me because they didn't give you soft, meaty food, either.

Person Soup

[inferior water]

Ruru the Cat here.  I've mentioned before that I like my water warm.  People keep trying to offer me old water (water that's been sitting out for longer than a few hours?  Just ew.)  People also offer me cold water (water that starts out cold is just not my thing.  Other cats can dig it, but that shows they just don't get it.)  No, no.  Water has to be warm, preferably hot, but food should never be because it may burn my tongue.  Don't ask me to explain.  That's just how it is.  I'm a cat, so I don't need to explain anything.  I do it because you obviously need the extra help.  I'm nice like that.

[Mmm.  That's the good stuff.]

But the best of all water is right in the tub.  And we're not talking fresh, hot water.  No no.  That's the inferior stuff.  I'm talking the warm water with an actual person in it.   No water is better.  I can't explain why.  The other cats look at me like I'm crazy.  Toothless, my brother and the only tolerable cat in the house, likes fresh water, dripping right out of the sink.  It's okay, but it's not how I like it.  Cass is often standing behind him, waiting for that dripping water.  Maya will take whatever water is presented.  No accounting for taste.  But I know the real stuff is the stuff with person in it.  I'll stand on the edge of the tub and wait for a person to get a clue, that I want the water dribbled out onto the edge of the tub, or if it's high enough, I'll lap it up right from their arm or near their arm.   Sometimes, she thinks she's sneaky and fills the bowl with fresh warm water from the tub.  Don't try to trick me.  I know the difference.  I can't describe how happy person soup makes me.  It's truly the best.  You should try it.  It's amazing. 

Yes, I am a predator.  How'd you know?  And stop looking at me like that.

Incredible Disappearing Dog

[The annoying thing in my house.]

Ruru the Cat here.  So I've been whining for almost a year about this dog that randomly appeared in my house.  She loves to chase me around.  She loves to steal MY dog food.  She'll steal my cat food and even my litter box leavings given half a chance.  She uses hands that should always pet me.  I've never trusted her because she frequently goes to that scary place called OUTSIDE.  It's a bad, cursed place.  A haunted, nightmarish place.  The few times I've been there, I've only had this opinion confirmed.  There is SNOW out there (sometimes).  There's WATER falling from the sky.  There are BIGGER, SCARIER dogs.  It's just not a good place.  And she willingly and happily goes there several times a day.  This does not speak well of her character.  She's been a serious problem child from the moment she stepped foot in MY house. 

[Me, blissfully content to have lost one dog.]

Well, I think she's gone.  I can't know this for sure because she was just here today.  But I've looked everywhere.  All her stuff is gone.  Her person is nowhere to be seen.  I'm pretty sure I overheard my people say her person was moving out.  I scarcely dare hope this means I don't have to deal with that DOG again.  But wouldn't it be wonderful?  Okay, so occasionally, my fuzzy throw rug dogs around here bark or chase me around.  But I can mostly slap them down or hiss them into submission if they oppose my dominance of the dog food and all the hands and treats I want.   If that Cali is gone, I can go back to my rightful place as queen of the house.  Now, if only all the cats would stop snickering when I say that and bow down like they should.