Humbug

[My jungle gym.  Mine.  No touchy.] 

Ruru the Cat here.  Yeah, so there are some good things about Christmas.  Mostly, my lovely tree jungle gym.  Meat like turkey and ham that we sometimes get. 

[Pure awesomeness.  The only possibly good reason Christmas has to exist.]

Oh, and this awesome toy.  Don't forget that.  It smells like joy (they said something about catnip, but who cares if it smells like heaven?)  Better yet, it has this awesome feather thing on it I can kill.  I can't get enough of this thing that showed up for me from this big stocking-like thing on Christmas day.     

[Me, standing guard over my lovely spangles.]

But over all, this Christmas stuff is overrated.  Remember my lovely, perfect jungle gym?  Well, I tried to protect it.  I stood by to make sure they couldn't take it away from me.  But they did, anyway.  The freaking day after Christmas.  What's that about?  Why can't they leave it forever?  But before they hauled it off, they stripped off those wonderful spangles I was only halfway to destroying and the tinsel I only got to break in half.  It's just not fair.  I tried to protect it, too.  No good. 


[Humans are weird.  What can I say?]

Plus, what's this about?  The day before that crazy holiday, I got stuck playing an "angel" (whatever that is) while my person moved these weird little dolls around to tell some story.  I don't get it. 

[Friends don't let friends who use these things live.] 

Worst of all, on that nightmarish day, this nasty thing showed up.  And I got stuck in it much of the day.  Seriously?  Humans are twisted and sadistic to invent such a nasty thing.  Shame on you, Santa Claws (or whatever they call that monster).  Next year, I'm staying in my jungle gym and throwing away the key (if I can find one.)

Humans Are Despicable

[Snurfle.  Twixie in a turkey hat.  I about died.  Talk about appropriate.  Such a turkey.  I about died laughing.]

Ruru the Cat here.  Remember how last week, I said humans looooved to use Christmas as an excuse to dress up themselves and us poor, innocent four-legged denizens of the universe with crap we don't need and don't want?  Well, here's proof.  I was minding my own business, taking a nap and hiding away from everyone when I heard the dulcet sounds of my food hitting the dish. 

[GAH!  Not again!]

I came to investigate, when I was nabbed and shoved into this crappy number I endured last week.  Really? 

[Just shoot me now.  Or, better yet, shoot anyone who would do this to a poor, defenseless animal.]

But it gets worse.  I was then shoved into the arms of our house guest WHO WAS HOLDING A DOG.  Not just a dog but THE dog that steals my food, my lovings, and my freedom to roam my house unmolested by dog smells.  Well, other than MY dogs, whom I can tolerate only because they ignore me most of the time.  And they know better than to mess with me.  This one barks at any cat that she catches unawares, in spite of our threats to turn her face into a pincushion.  THAT dog.  I was, needless to say, less than pleased. 

[Poor, unfortunate souls.]

Then, the people went around shoving hats on other animals.  It's not so bad when they do it to dogs.  Dogs can handle this kind of ridiculousness. 

[What did poor Maya do to deserve this?]

But when they do it to us cats, we just want to murder something.  Or, better yet, someone.  It's just not fair.  When can we get rid of this Christmas stuff again?  I mean, other than my lovely, green, tree-shaped jungle gym.  That stays. 

Ho Ho Horrible People

[GAH!!!!  The yeti came back! This time, she had a smaller yeti in tow.  At least they left again.]

Ruru the Cat here.   Seriously.  It's not enough to bring new beasties into my life that want to steal my blog.  It's not enough to share my dog food with actual DOGS.  It's not even enough to allow the yeti back into my house with a yeti junior.  (Not one but TWO huge white dogs, filling all my space all DAY yesterday--okay, so they spent most of that time in the backyard, but they still came in my house.)  No.  That didn't satisfy my humans.  It wasn't obnoxious enough for them. 

[A reindeer hat?  Seriously?]

No, it gets even worse.  Yesterday, my people stuck me in a ridiculous hat.  Yes, a HAT.  WHICH IS CLOTHING.  Do I look happy?  NO! 

[Look at that malicious smile!  They're laughing at me!]

I've blogged all about how much I do NOT like clothing.  They stuck it on my head then started laughing and singing Christmas music.  I'm sure I heard a crack about Rudolf, that dumb red-nosed deer guy I keep hearing people sing about.  It's just not fair. 

[My beautiful, perfect, killable jungle gym.]

Okay, so I like the smell of mint and that huge, green jungle gym that's a real TREE this year with real shiny baubles I can kill.  I like that big, red flower that makes it feel like we're outside without having to go outside.  I especially like shredding and playing with those brightly-colored  packages under the jungle gym.  I like some parts of Christmas.  But something about Christmas makes people want to stick a cat in a costume.  Gah.  Just give me my jungle gym and let me shred it in peace. 

Play? Play!

[People are mean.]

Ruru the Cat here.  I thought I was going to actually get to write my own blog this week.  I thought I was going to get to complain all about how cute my person thinks it is to haul my fuzzy butt out into the snow and make me cold and angry.  Or how she tossed me in the snow or how she plays with my whiskers and sometimes even plucks them out.  I had a whole lot of complaining to do this week.  Instead, that stinking dog, Cali, insists it's her turn to steal my blog.  Really?  I just got my blog back from a pincushion on legs.  Gah.

(ME! CALI!)

Hi!  I'm a dog!  I'm Cali!  I'm a dog.  

I knew this was a mistake.  You just repeated yourself.  

Bark bark bark bark!  

In human words, dog.  People don't speak stupid.  

[Me, asking Ruru to play.]

I was just saying I want to play.  Do you want to play with me?  I want to play with you!  I like to play!  I like to chew on my bones and on my toys and on your toys and I'd really like to chew on the cats around here, but they won't let me. 

Darn straight.  You try, you die.  Does that face in that picture say play with me?  I don't think so. 

[I love toys and ornaments and balls and toys.]

I like to go outside and play.  And I like to play with balls and ornaments on the tree and with bones and with cats.  Did you know I like to play with cats?  Oh, look!  A cat!  

Bark bark bark bark bark bark bark! 

Never again.  Never never never again will I let a dog touch my computer.  

[Me with my friends!]

I like to play with my friends, too.  I have lots of friends I like to visit.  Person friends and dog friends that all play with me.  I have two friends here, Twixie and Dodger.  We like to run around and around and around and bark and play and play and play. 

[I, Ruru, stuck this picture here to show that Dodger will let people do just about anything to him.]

[Even this, the cruelest of all human-inflicted torture devices: the bath tub.  Something is wrong with a dog that will let humans do this.]

Dodger doesn't seem to know how to be a puppy, but Twixie is a great puppy!  

Says you.  Useless throw rug if you ask me.  Makes a good butt warmer when he sits in my seat.  

And I like to eat.  Food is yummy.  All food.  I like my food and Twixie and Dodger's food and person food, but my mommy won't let me have much person food.  It's so yummy.  

She's not kidding she likes to eat.  I used to be able to sneak some dog food.  Now, vacuum breath sucks it all down and looks around for more.  Dude.  What does it take to get dog food around here anymore?  And speaking of vacuum, I have never seen a creature that thought that loud, obnoxious, smelly monster was anything but a threat.  Weird Cali likes to play with it.  Not kidding.  Something is just not right with that dog.  

And walks are so great!  I love to go outside and play and play and play and smell everything, but mostly play!  

See my first point.  Outside is the very devil.  You know dogs have real problems if they think there's anything redeemable about the not-so-great outdoors.

[My mommy is so great.  She decided she wanted to look just like me.]

Most of all, I love my mommy!  My mommy is so wonderful!  She gives me food and treat and loves!  She snuggles me to sleep!  

Poor woman has to listen to the piggie snorts of this crazy dog and her buzz saw snores.  Don't know how she sleeps through any of this.  Really, I question that human's sanity that she puts up with it.  Besides, doesn't this dog understand humans are staff?  They provide companionship, yes, but more often are useful for body heat and for giving us what we need.  They are NOT "mommies."  Gah.  My person is my person, not my mommy.  

I'm so happy!  Life is wonderful!  I want to play!  Will you play with me?  

[How life should be: me, my person, my blog, and NO DOGS.  Read the shirt.  'Nuff said.]

Heck, no.  Enough of that nonsense.  Sorry I didn't get to say much this time.  From here on, you'll get to read logic, sense, and gentility.  I promise.  Absolutely no. More. Dogs.  

Play?

A Big, Scary World

[Weird pets.]

Ruru the Cat here.  Remember the cactus rat I mentioned?  Well, she's most insistent she wants to talk.  Really.  That's nuts.  Who ever heard of a rodent...rat...cactus...thing that can type?  But she's got all these spikes, and she scares me 'cuz I haven't figured out how to survive eating her.  So here she is.

[A home where I could be happy.]

I came here a couple of weeks ago, from a place I was happy in a cage I was happy with people that made me happy.  Here, there are scary smells EVERYWHERE.  And scary animals making scary smells. Like the cat I just had to chase away, so I could tell you about my plight.  The only place I am truly happy is in my cage that smells like me with my bowl full of cat food and worms and my wheel and my water bottle.  

Did you just say CAT FOOD?  They're feeding you MY food?  People are jerks.  You need to go.  Oh, crap.  Get those spikes away from me. 

Then, they even changed the cage out for a smaller one that crowds all my stuff in and does not smell like me. I curled up in my little hidey for two days because it was the only thing that smelled like me.  Even the blanket was wrong.  It was cold enough, I finally rearranged it to get warm.  

[Me, sitting and trembling because of nearby people.]

They grab me almost every night, and it scares me.  I just sit and tremble and hope my spikes scare them away.  I sometimes peek out, but then a big, scary animal will sniff me.  I even tried peeing on anyone who held me.  Didn't work.  

Well, then, last night, the person with the funny smells that usually grabs and holds me was wearing a warm, comfy blanket.  I wanted to rearrange it and make a new nest.  She felt like my mommy.  I got so excited climbing all over her.  I even found a little bump to try to chew.  She kind of screamed and dropped me, which scared me.  But I got up and chased all over her again.  I am super happy with that person if she's gonna feel like mommy.  

[Look at this weirdness.]

Yeah, I heard the scream when my person's mommy got bitten in an awkward place. It was heelarious.  Looked like the cactus rat was trying to nurse like a baby.  I about died.  As long as this cactus rat doesn't climb all over me or try to bite me in awkward, painful places.  Man, people have weird taste in pets.