Summertime Blues

[Feeling alone and forsaken.]

Ruru the Cat here.  My person is a big fat jerk.  She LEFT me for FOUR WHOLE DAYS!!!!  Four days!  Cats just don't live as long as people.  You may call it four days, but I call it a BAZILLION days 'cuz that's what it felt like.  It was great to have a break from the dogs.  And I loved that my person left the whole barrel of cat food open, so I could get as much as I could cram into my little tummy.  But it just didn't make up for a bazillion days without my person.  Ah, man.  The dumb dog wants to talk about his little piffling "trauma."  Seriously.  I'm sure it can't compete with what I suffered. 

(You wouldn't leave an adorable friend like me, would you?)

Twixie the dog here.  It was so very hard.  I was all alone in the backyard of almost strangers.

                           (Me. Dodger.)  

I was there, too.  You weren't alone.   

Whatever, Dodger.  You don't count.  You're not my person.  Be a good boy and play dead.  I was ALL ALONE in that backyard for DAYS and DAYS.  A scary dog next door barked and barked and barked.  The annoying Pomeranian in my kennel ate all my food.  

Who could eat with my mommy gone?  

Shut up, Dodger.  That dumb dog ate all my food, leaving me starving and with water that tasted old.  But worst of all, my  person was gone.  It was dark and cold and dark.  And there was no mommy!  It was terrible.  But, now, we're home.  So it's good and wonderful and great again.  Life is beautiful! 

Yup yup yup.  

Shut up, Dodger.  

                                                  (Me, glaring because dogs are stupid.)

Shut up both of you.  Just 'cuz my person is back doesn't mean I have to forgive her right away.  She even had the nerve to come back smelling funky like fire and trees and rotten eggs.  Oh, and bacon.  She was clearly eating bacon without sharing.  I think she said something about Yellowstone.  I don't get what that means, but I won't forgive her in a hurry.  I'll let her snuggle me and feed me and snuggle me some more.  But I'm still pretty upset and bet you she'll leave me again soon. 

                                       (Humans?  Who needs humans?)

asdfdsg Mammalssss are pitiful.  We reptilesss do not need humanssss.  Mine returned and offered me a rat and some body heat, but I could live quite niccccely for daysss and daysss without a perssson.  jlkkl/

SHUT UP, KEYLIME PYTHON!!!  All us fluffy types agree that the snakey part of this blog needs to curl up in a corner somewhere and stop writing on my blog, especially with the way you have to slither across the keyboard , writing random crap to get there.    People should never abandon their innocent animals, not for four days or four hours.  Ever.  That's a way more important rule than how to feed me properly, like I talked about last week. 

Rule number one.  Never.  Leave.  The.  Cat. 

Eat, Prey, Love. (But mostly Eat.)

(Anything here is good except that nasty red thing in the corner.)

Ruru the Cat here.  Since people don't get it, I thought I'd provide a helpful guide for feeding a cat.  Specifically, this cat.  They keep wanting to give me just one handful of food a day.  Come on.  I want to be fat.  I want to sit around and eat myself into a coma.  So, get with the program, people. 

Don't's:
1. One boring handful of cat food is woefully insufficient.  And I have to work really hard just to get attention enough to get someone to get me that.  My staff around her should be fired. 

2. Water should be hot, but food should not.  Particularly meat.  I don't get the human obsession with making perfectly good, red meat brown.  What is your problem, anyway?

3.  If you're gonna open the fridge, don't close it without getting me something.  When you do that, you're showing you're missing our unspoken contract.  If you open the fridge, you're promising on your own grave (which I can give you, if you fail this rule) that you will give me cheese or meat. 

4. Yogurt is not food.  Any other dairy is good, but not this.  I was force fed that nasty stuff when I was itty bitty, and my tummy was upset.  I'm not itty bitty.  My tummy is fine.  I want real food. 

5. Don't expect me to eat my kills.  I kill them so YOU can eat them.  You're welcome. 

(This.  Lots and lots of this.)

Do's: 
1. If my butt is sticking out of the dog food, leave me in peace. Even if you're a dog.  I claimed it.  It's mine.  There is no such thing as dog food.  It's ALL cat food. 

2. Tuna.  'Nuff said. 

3. Peanut butter is lovely.  Feel free to give it to me anytime.  I'll let you. 

4. Fishie crackers make me feel fulfilled.  If you fail to give me a sufficient quantity, I will wake you to make sure you do. 

5.  I believe in cheese and meat, with maybe a little lettuce on the side.  Keep that coming in sufficient quantities, and we'll get along fine. 

See.  Are those few rules so hard?  Now, get to it. 

My Slave Is Home!

(How things should be always.)

Ruru the Cat here.  The most wonderful thing in the world happened this week.  My person stopped disappearing to that terrible, haunting nightmare called school and started staying home in her bed where I could beg her for fishie crackers and get loves all day long!  It's so awesome! 

Except when it isn't.  She STILL locks me in rooms and forgets about me.  Even when I know that she's in her room doing nothing with those oh-so-useful hands but playing on her keyboard and that flat thing that looks like a computer but isn't, she isn't petting me 24-7.  And when I'm trying to slip away because I'm just done, she holds onto me anyway.  She just doesn't get it when I want to be petted and when I need to ignore her. 

But it's still great because, mostly, she makes a great slave.  Mostly, I like having her around so she can pet me and feed me and pet me and feed me some more.  As long as she never goes back to that dreadful school place again, I will stay the purriest cat in the world. 

The NOT so Great Outdoors, part 2

[Not my happy face.]

Ruru the Cat here.  Remember how I told you about this terrible, horrible place last week?  Well, it turns out there are animals here in this very house that LIKE to go outside.  Do they not know this very week water fell from the sky on ME?  These weirdos don't just like it.  They get EXCITED about going there.  *Shudder.*  They like to go on WALKS.  Like on a leash.  Can you imagine?  I know, you're wondering what kind of insanity is this.

[Me, a sssnake in the grasss.]

qwwdfg  Out of the way, cat.  I sssaid nothing about a leassssh.  I do not approve of any sssuch thing.  Keylime Python here.  Or that'sss what the humansss call me.  I allow the juvenile male human to haul me to the grasss and then on in his handsss or arm or head on walksss because of he sssmellsss.  I can sssmell rodentsss all around, old and new, large and small.  I can sssmell lesssser sssnakes, those like me but sssmaller.  It is a fassscinating voyage of resssearch.  I can't get enough.  I learn ssso much.  The cat knowsss not of which ssshe ssspeaksss.  jlk;;;

[The snake that vomits water.  Stupid snakes.]

Yeah, yeah, shut up, snake.  Wish you didn't have to type all that nonsense coming and going just because a LESSER life form like a snake can't use their toes to type like a proper animal.  They have to slither.  I saw something that looked just like you but was spewing water.  I like the mouse smells, but they're too far away to do me any good.  If the mice aren't here and now, in my claws, they're boring.  Snakes know nothing.

[Yay for walks!]

Hey, me.  This is Twix.  I'm a pomchi.  I'm here, too.  I want to speak.  'Cuz outside is awesome.  The awesomest of awesome.  The only thing awesomer is WALKS.  'Cuz they're awesome.  The smells!  See, the snake gets that right.  The smells come from everywhere!  I get to wade through grass and find more smells!  Yay!

[WALK!!!!]

What Twix said.  Walks!!!!

[Me in a proper feline habitat: inside, with my person, on my keyboard.] 

Whatever, Dodger and Twix.  Ruru, the voice of reason, back again to remind all of you whose blog this is.  Never go outside.  Ever.  It's terrifying.  Just nightmarish, with its cars and predators and spaces.  Oh my!  I'm a cat.  I know better.  Just don't go there.