Sunday, June 17, 2018

Eat, Prey, Love. (But mostly Eat.)

(Anything here is good except that nasty red thing in the corner.)

Ruru the Cat here.  Since people don't get it, I thought I'd provide a helpful guide for feeding a cat.  Specifically, this cat.  They keep wanting to give me just one handful of food a day.  Come on.  I want to be fat.  I want to sit around and eat myself into a coma.  So, get with the program, people. 

Don't's:
1. One boring handful of cat food is woefully insufficient.  And I have to work really hard just to get attention enough to get someone to get me that.  My staff around her should be fired. 

2. Water should be hot, but food should not.  Particularly meat.  I don't get the human obsession with making perfectly good, red meat brown.  What is your problem, anyway?

3.  If you're gonna open the fridge, don't close it without getting me something.  When you do that, you're showing you're missing our unspoken contract.  If you open the fridge, you're promising on your own grave (which I can give you, if you fail this rule) that you will give me cheese or meat. 

4. Yogurt is not food.  Any other dairy is good, but not this.  I was force fed that nasty stuff when I was itty bitty, and my tummy was upset.  I'm not itty bitty.  My tummy is fine.  I want real food. 

5. Don't expect me to eat my kills.  I kill them so YOU can eat them.  You're welcome. 

(This.  Lots and lots of this.)

Do's: 
1. If my butt is sticking out of the dog food, leave me in peace. Even if you're a dog.  I claimed it.  It's mine.  There is no such thing as dog food.  It's ALL cat food. 

2. Tuna.  'Nuff said. 

3. Peanut butter is lovely.  Feel free to give it to me anytime.  I'll let you. 

4. Fishie crackers make me feel fulfilled.  If you fail to give me a sufficient quantity, I will wake you to make sure you do. 

5.  I believe in cheese and meat, with maybe a little lettuce on the side.  Keep that coming in sufficient quantities, and we'll get along fine. 

See.  Are those few rules so hard?  Now, get to it. 

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