Where'd He Go?

 

[My friend, Dodger.]

Ruru the Cat here. It's no secret I don't love dogs. Or cats. Or anyone with fewer than two hands eager to pet me. But Dodger was different. He was actually NICE. He mostly made for great body heat and a fine piece of furniture. He's been around as long as I can remember, just being there. He'd stand by and let me eat his food. He'd let me sit on him if I was cold. He was just nice. To me. Which is kind of weird because most of the four-legged beasts around here chase me around, attack my tail just for kicks, or push me away to steal my dog food. But Dodger didn't. 

[Dodger put up with a lot.]

He was strong and happy for a long time. He gave the people around me puppies, three living ones and one that wasn't. He even tolerated their insanity when they were jumping all over him and chewing on them. He'd growl at them to say back off, but then, he'd pretend not to notice when they played with his tail. They all kind of look like him if you squint the right way. 

[Dodger put up with Bean.]

He even tolerated Bean. And that's kind of a big deal because that eternal puppy is a little monster. All of the cats, even the ones a lot bigger than him, kind of let him have his way. We even sneak around him when it comes to getting love from our favorite person. Dodger and Bean would often fight over the food or...I don't know. Dog things. Not sure what all that growling was about. But Dodger was even nice to the mini monster named Bean. 

[Dodger endured a lineup of kittens.]

And kittens. He put up with those little beasts as well. I sure wouldn't, but he did. He really brought it on himself, I guess, by not putting them in their place. They could climb all over him, and he just took it. Everyone seemed to love him because he loved everyone, including people I can't stand, the notorious strangers. Even when those strangers are toddlers. 

[He had to be hauled around.]

Three or four years ago, my people started saying Dodger was dying. But they got that crazy idea from the demon called the vet, so I didn't trust it. He was fine. He was just there. Then, one day, something was wrong. He didn't seem to want to eat. I would have gotten more food except the other cats got to it first. Two and a half weeks, ago, he stopped being able to climb or even walk well. He started to stumble. Then, he stopped being able to do anything but be hauled around. 

[He stopped responding.]

Then, he was only breathing and staring out into space. Then, he was gone. I checked. I sat on him. He was hard and had no body heat, even under the blanket. Then, my people talked about putting him in the ground. I can't imagine that would be very pleasant at all. I don't like to go outside. I certainly wouldn't like to be under the cold, snowy ground. And he hasn't come back. The dogs always go out, but they always come back. The kittens would go out and not come back, but I always heard they'd found a new place to be. I've heard the word "death," mostly about animals I didn't care about. Or my people's little human kitten, their baby, but that was long before I joined them. The humans sure seem to produce a lot of tears about this kind of thing, including for Dodger. But this is the first time it has become real to me. I guess he's really not coming back. I'm not sure how to feel about that. So I guess I'll go and take a nap. 

Can I Kill It?

 

[Not another danger noodle.]

Ruru: Ruru the cat here. So my people showed me yet another living noodle. I thought my people already had two of those. Why would they need ANOTHER snake when they have me? People just don't get it. I hear they feed these things rats or mice or something. Come on. Priorities. I'm here. I like rats and mice. Why give those to the wrong party when I'm here? 

[Looks edible.]

Hey, people, that thing you're showing me? Snuggles, is it? Can I have him? No? Okay, can I just play with him a little? He's small, smaller than me. You could leave him with me. I'll babysit. We could become best friends even. I'll take care of him. Then he won't be your problem anymore. You won't have to feed him...or me. At least for tonight. Seems like a good plan, a fun plan. Just let me take him off your hands. 

[Um...no]

Snuggles the Snake: That thing over there? I don't like it. It'sss ssscary. I like to eat sssmall, fluffy things. That thing is fluffy but not sssmall. And it hasss claws and teeth. I don't know what it isss, but keep me far, far away from it. 

[Mine]

Ruru: Seriously? You're taking his side? That ain't right, people. I've been your friend for years. And you don't trust me to take extra good care of that living string? I promise I won't kill it. Much. Only a little. I'll leave it almost as good as I found it. Sort of. If you're not going to give me his rats, the least you could do is leave us alone to play. 

[Look at me, innocent as the day is long.]

Fine. Be that way. I'll just watch. And wait. And watch closely. Can I get closer? Can I watch with my claws? Dangit, where are you going with that thing? Bring it back! It's mine! I claimed it. Gah. You owe me. I'd better get a really good Christmas present. Like a snake. 

My Jungle Gym's Guard

[Oh, for the day when the tree was mine.]

Ruru the Cat here. I used to own the tree as my personal jungle gym. I could protect it from all those who would challenge me. I could climb all over in the tree and knock off everything. They'd put it all back, and I could start over. The fragile stuff would shatter. It was very satisfying. 

[Not fair.]

Well, then other kittens then cats started muscling in on my jungle gym. They'd attack it and knock off MY ornaments. They'd kill MY tinsel and garlands. All I could do was try to attack them until they got too big. Then, I could only stand by and watch it happen. 

[Someone claimed my jungle gym.]

Then, a couple of years ago, a huge monster bigger than us all put together showed up and claimed the tree. He started out a kitten I could knock around. But then, he grew to the size of a panther and decided the tree was all his. Now, he stands guard by the tree (and sometimes in my tree) to make it clear none of the rest of us can touch it. Some of the others have managed to sneak by but not me. I've given up. 

[The big lug being shown he's not the biggest or the strongest.]

But my person showed him recently that he's not as big and strong as he thinks he is. She flipped him and held him as he growled and hissed. It was very satisfying, though I was also jealous at the same time. She's my person, not his. But this gave me hope that one of these days, I will get my tree back. I just have to be patient and stalk it. It will be mine again. Eventually. 

My Spot, My Hand, Mine Mine Mine

[Me in my spot.]

Ruru the Cat here. I don't know why other cats don't understand that this is my house because I was here first. Well, except for Maya. But she doesn't count because she's not me. I got here first. I marked it all with my face. This is MY cat tree. See me in it? I like it, so it's mine. 

[The Wrong Cat in My Spot.]

Here is a misguided cat, who clearly doesn't understand all this. She's the youngest and came last. She should get that everything here is already claimed. By me. Many times over. But here she is, getting love from my hand on my perch. No wonder her name is Varya, which means wolf and thief. 

[Varya in My Box.]

She's befriended all the cats in the house. She's rubbed her own face across my stuff. She eats my dog food that I stole fair and square. Now, she claims every box that has shown up in the house. Every one. If there's a box, she's in it. I like boxes, so they should be mine. Why me? How I suffer. 

Books about Me!

[My Book. Ignore the others.]

Ruru the Cat here. Everyone knows I'm amazing. Well, I did an amazing thing and let my human do another amazing thing. I'm now in books! Yay for me! My person asked me to write a book about me, but she wanted me to pretend to be nicer. She said kids don't need to see me being rude. Come on! I am nice! The nicest thing I can do is show how great I am. You can read my book here for free for a few days. Just don't read the rest of the book. It's not about me, or not enough. It's about kittens (bad) and puppies (worse). Seriously. Why can't it all be about me?

[I'm the one on the right. The awesome one.]

My person kind of made up for it by making a book about me as a kitten. So, it's not exactly the real me. It's the fictional version of me, wherein I have sisters but not my real sisters. Cass is a cat who moved away. She wasn't so bad, but she didn't like me. Go figure. She was NOT my sister. Maya is actually the grouchy, grumpy old lady Halloween cat. I think my people said she's 13, but she seems so much older, like three thousand years. Our oldest sister in the book is Cookie. I don't know who that is except my people talk about this fictional cat named Cookie in their book, Doomimals. So my people somehow got everything about me wrong, except my amazingness. You can read an illustrated picture book about me here, also free for a few days. 

[The problem with this cover is it doesn't have me. Same with the book. The next one better.]

I'm super excited my fictional version will also be in Doomimals book 2. It's a "Three Little Kittens" version. Okay, so I don't know how I feel about being immortalized as a kitten. I don't LIKE kittens. I don't even remember much about my own kittenhood. But still, it's great that everyone will get to know about ME. 'Cuz I'm awesome. Don't forget it. 

The Higher the Better

[Looking down on my tree.]

Ruru the Cat here. I love my cat tree. It's comfy and, above all, puts me above everyone else, so I can be worshipped properly. But I've found something better. 

[Looking down at the little people in my kingdom.]

It's the shelf ABOVE my tree. I can sit between what people call hats and wait for the worship to pour in. I get to tower over all the taller cats, the dogs, and even the humans! It's the best thing ever. 

[Happy cat.]

You've never seen a cat so happy as one high up on a shelf. We get to keep our distance from anyone who could hurt us and observe the little people down below. Ah, that I could live on that shelf. Except there's no food. Or mice. Or hands to pet us. Okay, fine. I'll come down. But only if you worship me first. 

When They Sneak up on You

[Me, minding my own business on my cat tree.]

Ruru the Cat here. I've filed complaints with management (i.e. my slacker human staff) about this cat before, but it's really getting old. A certain cat around here is under the delusion that she's my very bestest friend in the whole wide world. Like I said, delusional. I have no best friends, at least among the four-legged variety. I'm a big fan of humans (except when they're being slackers) because they own hands. And body heat. See my last blog for the awesomeness that is the human hand used correctly. 

[Someone's inviting me to play. Just no!]

Well, this cat's name is Phoenix. She's half-blind, but you'd think she was all blind with the way she can't see I don't like her. She'll jump right out at me and say, "Play?" I know when she's proper type of attacking to kill because she'll growl and hiss at every cat that isn't me or Maya (her even better bestest friend supposedly. Poor thing.) She finds them terrifying because they're BIG. I guess I should take it as an insult that she likes me at all. 

[This is me, hiding, NOT inviting play.]

So I'll be sitting there, minding my own business. Taking a nap, taking in the glow of my kingdom as queen of the world, waiting for treats at the top of my cat tree, waiting to steal my dog food...it doesn't much matter what I'm doing. I'll be at peace when she comes right up to me and invites me to play with her. PLAY! Do I look like a kitten? I only play solitaire by killing my tail. Sometimes, I condescend to play slaps with my humans when they tap my tail respectfully, and I tap back, then they tap and so on. I'm pretty good at that one. But what I do NOT do is play with other cats. Like a kitten. It seems so childish and annoying. 

[Here she is, getting ready to pounce on ME.]

The only thing that makes it tolerable is I get the upper hand. Sometimes, I'll just watch her antics, tail wagging, but sometimes, she makes this impossible by actually touching me with those huge murder mittens of hers. It's TERRIFYING. Can someone please haul this cat away? Please? Tell me. What would you do to protect me from these attacks?