The Point of a Hand

 

[The Purpose of hands.]

Ruru the Cat here. Human hands are great. They can pet me, feed me, give me water, bring me toys like catnip and mice with feathers, and play Slaps with my tail. Human hands are the best things ever. Wayyy better than other cats.

[Me Offering to Play]

Slaps, you ask? Yes, I love to play slaps. I haven't seen other cats do it. I don't know what's wrong with them. It's great. The human pats my tail, and my tail taps back. Then the human taps again. It could go on for quite a while. It's for when I'm not in the mood to let humans touch me in some other way. 

[How you should see your cat's belly. Source]

Because you HAVE to listen to a cat's body language. Seriously. Don't touch us when we're not inviting it, or you could get bear trapped. You'll be reminded of many cats' favorite love language: kill. Unless you're really not attached to that hand. Then, be my guest. 

[Clearly Misplaced Priorities]

However, humans seem to think hands have purposes other than taking care of cats. This is a totally wild delusion that makes no sense to me. How can there possibly be some other reason for those things to exist? You seem to think you should spend time with your hands playing with computers, pressing buttons, moving stuff around, hugging each other, or even scratching your nose. 

[Do the Right Thing. You Know You Want To.]

This clearly shows messed up priorities on your part. Come on. The purpose of everything is felinity. Particularly this cat. But I know most of you don't have access to me to show me the worship I deserve. So as a cold second choice, you should be petting your own cat. Stop wasting time on your computer, and go fulfill your purpose in this world NOW. 

Picking Friends

 

[Humans and dogs. Why?]

Ruru the Cat here. I've said it before. Humans have weird tastes in friends. They like dogs and other cats. Why? It mystifies me. I tolerate the dogs because they are throw rugs who happen to own body heat. But to consider them friends?  Not me. 

[My brother, the lump.]

The only cat I tolerate, and that only sometimes, is my brother. He's okay. Kind of a lump, but he doesn't attack me or chase me around like they do. 

[Other cats. Ew.]

Other cats, however, are the very devil. Especially kittens. They don't respect your dignity at all. They ATTACK you and steal your spot and your dog food you stole fair and square. So glad we no longer have any of those nasty pests around here. 

[Humans. Yes.]

Humans, however, not only have body heat but also hands. And no claws or sharp teeth. Humans are really great for a snuggle. But not for their taste in friends. Want more evidence? 

[Exibit C. Just no.]

Tails can be friends. I'll chase them for hours. I can even attack it, and it won't attack back. I can snuggle it, and it even has body heat. Tails are great. I can hang out with pipe cleaners and tails. Long, skinny things without sharp teeth. Pipe cleaners make good prey. Snakes CANNOT be friends. To anyone. I don't even want them for prey because they have teeth. Humans, why do you make friends with useless animals and...whatever a snake is? I just don't understand humans and their friendships at all. If you had a tail, you'd understand what a friend they can be. Just go get a tail. Then, you'll have a best friend. What are you still doing here? Get to it. 

Alien Invasion!

[Saucy little monsters invading my house.]

Ruru the Cat here. My humans are deeply disturbed. That much is clear by the enemies they allow in their very house. In the past, they've allowed kitten after kitten in my house without asking my permission. KITTENS. Like the kind that don't know any better than to attack me. Eat my food. Ignore my orders. You know, TERRIBLE THINGS. I thought few things were worse than kittens. 

[Saucy bigger monsters.]

But then, my humans would allow DOGS into my house. I'm not talking about our furniture dogs, the little throw rugs that sometimes eat my dog food. The nerve. Mostly, they provide body heat and comic relief to an otherwise peaceful existence. No, I mean real DOGS, like the scary yetis, smelly mutts, a big dog who has been visiting recently and who even pooped in my basement. Once again, I thought my humans couldn't stoop any lower. 

[WHAT IS THIS THING?]

But no, they found something else to bring in the house. I don't even have words for this thing. It has little horns that tell me it's dangerous. It has these weird eyes with RECTANGLES in them. Rectangles, I tell you. Who has those? It also has these legs that don't quit. Instead of ending in respectable toe beans like everyone around here has, they end in these sharp things that look deadly. They're pointy and mean-looking. Hooves, I think they're called. And the thing is ALL LEGS. There's a little body there, somewhere, but I imagine the thing can really stomp and kick us. It looks like a scary weapon more than a living thing. And they kept giving it milk that smelled good and, therefore, should have gone to me. 

[No, I mean it. What is that thing?]

I just don't understand what my people are thinking. It's utter nonsense that they can let these monsters in my house without a royal decree of some sort, signed by me. My people just don't understand the rules of the world because I make them, and they clearly lack understanding of how to sue for my permission. Honestly. What is their problem? 

Zoomy New Floor

 

[My house, all torn apart.]

Ruru the Cat here. We've had a hectic few weeks. Well, not me. I hid out in my room, the quiet one out of which my people toss me out night, like the jerks they are. But every time I came out, I'd hear the traumas and dramas that went with my people tearing apart my house. WithOUT my permission, I might add. Where's the respect, I ask you? I'll make everyone else tell you because I wasn't there for most of it. It was still upsetting, nonetheless. 

[Empty shelves.]

Phoenix: they took books off the shelf, which was amazing! i got to climb up on top! it was great! but one of the shelves fell with me on top! It was scary. then, they took out the shelves! i was so confused!

[My playroom!]

Dude: Didn't you notice? They cleared out the WHOLE ROOM, even the FLOOR. It stank of generations of pets I will never want to meet. But then, there was this great wooden floor I got to run around on, so it wasn't a total loss. I danced for a while. That part was pretty sweet. Almost made up for my cat tree disappearing for days. 

Phoenix: ah! scary bully cat! get away! hiss! growl!

[Dude in a garbage bag--oh, so fitting.]

Dude: Whatever, kid. Just trying to help. And garbage bags? those were amazing, too. 

Varya: Well, you are a bully cat, Dude. Fight someone your own size! Like me! 

Dude: You're, what, five pounds? You're a quarter my size. 

Varya: Who cares? I can take you.

Dude: Ha! You haven't yet. 

[Comfy floor cover.]

Varya: That won't stop me from trying. So, after they cleared out the whole room, they put this blue stuff down. It was soft. I really approve. Except, then, they put hard stuff on top. It wasn't nearly as comfortable. Kind of sucks, actually. 

Dude: No, it doesn't. It's great. I can slide across it. The zoomiest floor ever!

[The new floor!]

Bean: Yeah! It's great, 'cuz my mommy's on it! I love this new floor! I love anywhere with my mommy! 

[My new, royal carpet.]

Dude: Needy, much? Dogs. Seriously. Best part of this whole thing is they gave me my own carpet on which I can reign like the king of the house I am. Yeah, I definitely like the new look. Makes me feel triumphant. 

[Reminder of who it's all about.]

Ruru: Yeah, get over yourself, Dude. It's still my house. Uppity kids these days. So, yeah, everybody had to deal with the tearing apart of my house. I'm sure it was so hard for everyone. Glad I didn't have to deal with it. Sucks to be all of you. I get all the perks and none of the plight. Works for me. 

Catnip!

 

[My favorite thing; source]

Ruru the Cat here. I love catnip. Love love love. My people brought me catnip this week. I may not want to go outside or touch grass or smell the big world. But I love spring because it comes with soft, tender catnip I can smell and touch and chase. I can maul it for hours. It's intoxicating. 

[Everybody else got my catnip.]

The only problem I had with this was they shared my catnip with everyone else. They all went nuts for it, even the big panther, Dude. I wanted it all for me. I want to throw it all and swim with it all. I want to haul it everywhere until it dies. Is that too much to ask? Seriously. 

Nasty Places

[Such a nightmarish place, this place called outside. Source]

Ruru the Cat here. There are many places I'm glad I'm not. Outside, for instance. I don't believe in outside. I know it EXISTS, but it shouldn't. It's big, scary, cold, and today, it's wet. I am in firm denial that anything is beyond my walls, and I'm happy that way. I hear there are some insane cats that actually LIKE it out there. *Shudder*  Oh, no. That's not me. 

[Those nasty, smelly boxes.]

For one thing, outside has those nasty, smelly boxes called cars. I've only ridden in them a few times, which is a few too many. The big boxes often involve little, plastic boxes they lock up like a cage. There's nothing good about a car. You can't convince me otherwise. I feel nauseous and want to vomit every time. I feel movement but can't see it. Because I'd have to look outside. No thank you. It's further evidence that humans are insane. 

[The portal to hell.]

But of all places in the horrible, nightmarish outside, the worst of all places is called the vet. I don't know what it means. I just know that all bad things start and end with those three letters. Pain, fear, and horror happen there. Smells of all sorts of big, scary monsters waft over me, making it a cursed place. I hear the haunted voices of lost souls there. It's just not a place that should exist. Well, the stupid dogs have all gone there recently. I don't know why they'd want to, but they all looked eager when they left. That's all the evidence I need that dogs are crazy, too. Here's the particular dumb and annoying Bean to tell you all about it. 

[I love it outside!]

Bean: We went outside!  I love outside! It's amazing! So many smells!

Ru: See? Absolutely nuts. 

Bean: There are people there I don't know! New friends! All good things happen outside!

Ru: Strangers. Just no. 

[Yay for cars!]

Bean: We got into a car, and my person held me the whole time! It was great! I looked out the window and saw so many exciting things! 

Ru: Exciting is code for awful. 

Bean: We drove and drove to a building that smelled like DOGS! New ones, ones I didn't know! I wanted to meet them all! 

Ru: You really are a sick monster, aren't you, little boy? And you're still smaller than me, so I can tease you. 

[The weird building!]

Bean: We went to this exciting building I only sort of remembered. They took me into a room with a new friend! Except he took me away from my mommy and poked things into me!  I didn't like it at all! I thought I'd never see her again!

Ru: Yet still the exclamation points. Such a drama queen. 

Bean: Then, they brought me back and gave me to my mommy!  It was so great! I hadn't seen her in ever so long! But we were together again, and it was awesome! Then, we went home together! It was amazing! I'm so happy when Mommy takes me places!

Ru: What is your problem, weirdo? They put you through hell, and still, you're annoyingly chipper? What is the point of these torture chambers all tied up with outside? I just don't understand dogs at all. Or people.

The Royal Dragon

[The Worship I Deserve.]

Ruru the Cat here. So I haven't felt like blogging at all. I've had wayyy too important things to do like hide from big bully cats, chase my tail, and eat. So, I still don't feel like blogging today, so I'm turning it over to the lizard. Yeah, you say, why would you do that? Why not a higher life form like a dog or a cat? It's because what we've got around here are Pomeranians, which are lint on a leash and NOT a higher lifeform, and other cats, who clearly don't comprehend my greatness as the Queen of the Universe. So none of them DESERVE to touch my keyboard. Instead, here's Rory. 

[An image of myself.]

Rory: Greetings, humans. Yea, verily, I am Rory, the Bearded Dragon. Heed my wisdom. I am a DRAGON, not some lizard. We dragons are much higher lifeforms than cats. 

Ruru: Hey! I trusted you!

Rory: Yes, you did. Which makes you inferior and dim. 

Ruru: I'll take my keyboard back!

[My Fortress and My Former Throne, which Has since Been Replaced.]

Rory: I would like to see you try. I sit on my throne, beholding much larger cats than you attempt to reach me, and they were no more capable than you would be. My glass forcefield protects me. Your threats are empty unto me. So, shush, and permit me a moment's peace. 

Ruru: Puny dragon. Needing to be protected by a fishbowl. 

Rory: 'Tis not a fishbowl but a mighty fortress, oh, mewling creature who seeks solace in a drawer of undergarments. 

Ruru: Rude. 

[How to Make Your Royal Dragon Feel Devalued]

Rory:  I have merely not been provided for as would meet my needs and allow me to grow to a mighty stature. You do not understand nor comprehend true puniness, despite your own pathetic height for a feline. I am not currently puny but of insufficient size. My prior domicile lacked UVB entirely and only cockroaches for my nourishment. Cockroaches. I shudder at the dim memories of such condescension and ridicule. I grew little to naught back then. Puny, I was, indeed. 

[One of My Needs: Baths. What I Do not Need: Feline Help for My Bath.]

Then, I came to this new home. The tall human fed me once a week and gave me only weak UVB light, only permitting me comfortable seating when he remembered. The bedding was practically nonexistent and most inadequate. It was like he didn't understand nor care that I had yearnings of the soul for more. Still, it was a vast improvement over cockroaches. However, when I tried to communicate with him, he did not even glance my way. He spoke to himself but not unto me. Most discouraging.

 

[Proper Lighting for My Neighbor and Fellow Reptile.]

Then, one day, the light shone again. The shorter juvenile took me in and provided for me proper lighting to help me grow and flourish. I was also given sufficient food, daily lettuce, crickets, or plump super worms.  I appreciate my new abode in the shorter juvenile human's room because I feel the growth and the strength. 

[Meeting My Needs: My New Throne and Hide.]

Better still, the humans here pay attention to my communications. If they have neglected my needs for far too long, 24 hours at least, I turn from my usual contented golden hues to a thunderstorm black and puff out my jowls. I then go hunting to make it clear my yearning soul has been neglected. Then, my magical bowl does fill itself with the goodness of leafy greens or plump, succulent worms, or best of all, I am removed to separate quarters wherein a veritable plethora of crickets leap before my might, and hunting time begins. Never am I so joyous. 

[Stalking Me as I Stalk Prey.]

Alas, life cannot always be a nonstop wonder. Four felines in my room will frequently stalk me nonstop. They are filled with excitement to stalk me even as I stalk my prey. I cannot so much as sit in a person's hand, letting them administer to my beard as befits my station, without feeling the sensation of eyes beholding and seeking to prey upon my person. One cat, in particular, a one-eyed beast of sable and snowy contrasting fur, does find me of extended fascination. It is as if she wishes me to be her pet, but I would not seek to be touched by those paws with their sharp claws. On the whole, I am content. Now, Ru creature, you can take your keyboard back. 

Ruru: Oh, the kindness. Grr. What a jerk. Show me to trust anyone to treat me with the worship I deserve. 

[Cats Worship Me] 

Rory: I do. None. That is the quantity of worship you merit. Learn from other felines and realize my own movements are worthy of worship. 

Ruru: Lizard, you can shut it now. Teach me to trust anyone but me. 'Cuz I'm amazing. Never forget it.