NOT my best Friend

 

[The only cat that matters. Me.]

Ruru the Cat here. I've acquired a fan. I don't WANT a fan. I want the cats to leave me alone. I watched most of them grow up as kittens. Rather, I beat them up when they were easy targets because I DON'T like kittens. How was I to know they'd almost all grow up to be wayyyy bigger than me and scary?  I mean, this is my world. My house. My people weren't supposed to let anyone in that I didn't specifically approve. But they did again and again. Now, I have a house full of cats that hate me almost as much as I hate them. 

[My new "best" Friend.]

Yeah, well, MOST of the cats are smart enough to know to leave me alone. NOT this one, the one-eyed wonder who has a funky nose. She's built funny and clearly thinks funny.  Apparently, Dude the 15-pound unit of cat who's at least twice anybody else's size has decided Phoenix the One-Eyed-Wonder is an easy mark, easy to pick on, easy to bully. I could have told him that. So Phoenix has decided all the big cats (most of the 8 in our house) are scary because one of them is a meany head to her. She doesn't seem to smell very well, so she can't tell them apart. Fair enough. They all hate me and chase me around.

[We Are NOT Amused.]

Here's the truly delusional part. She's mistakenly decided two of us small-types are her best friends, me and Maya the Grumpy Demon Cat--who hates all cats especially me. She tries to PLAY with us. Phoenix will run right up to Maya, not realizing that cat will eat anyone who gets in her face, and think the chase that follows is FUN. Spoiler alert. It's NOT. Then, Phoenix will run up the side of the cat tree and try to invite me to play. Clearly, she doesn't hear me hiss and growl. Just to translate, that's cat for "Get thee hence, Satan." Something is WRONG with that cat. I sit on my throne to be worshipped like the queen of the world I am, not to be told it's time to do something so peasant-like as to play. If only she weren't so big and scary, I'd put her in her place. But she's big. And scary. So I'll be hiding on my little throne and pretending to be invisible. 

Ground Hog Day and BACON!

 

[Ground...hog? I don't get it. Source.]

Ruru the Cat here. Man, where have you been all my life, lovely meat? My person's mom fried up BACON and sausage and cheese and all the lovely things that fill the air with joy. She said the sausage was for something called Ground Hog Day then laughed. Humans are weird. But if it results in bacon and sausage for me, I'm all for it. 

[Bacon! Source]

But when I smell the most beautiful thing in the world, human food, I ram on my person's mom's door to get out, so I can get in on this wonder. Well, that night, she gave me raw bacon and cooked bacon and cheese. Even chicken and bacon. I reminded her every time she stopped the rain of joy from coming just for me. She said she was making quiche. I don't know what that means, but as long as it involves bacon, it works for me. 

[The furniture that would be stupid enough to stand between me and my bacon.]

The other cats sniffed or shied away from this salty happiness. Maybe it was because the dogs were eager to move in and chase them away. But those barking, fluffy pieces of furniture will get chewed on if they stand between me and the new love of my life. Nothing stands between me and my BACON. 

Refocusing on What's Important: Me

[This is NOT my house. Don't go there. I'm NOT there. Focus, people.]

Ruru the Cat here. My people keep letting the new neighbors into my house. I don't get it. Things were so peaceful (other than the jerky cats in the house, which is all of them but me). Now, they come here a lot and take up the spaces cats are supposed to occupy. And they're SCARY. They like to TOUCH us. And they don't even know us. What kind of monsters are these? 

[Not me. Stop losing focus. Source.]

Next thing you know, these neighbors will be bringing in their own cats, and my people will touch them and smell like them. I don't know what I can handle that kind of stress. These are my people, my hands, that are supposed to touch and play with ME, not other cats. There's too much competition around here as it is. 

[Where your focus should be: ON ME.]

You see, this is the way everyone's life should be focused: on me. Look how sweet and kind and pretty I am. And my fur is so silky and smooth. You're supposed to pet ONLY ME or ELSE.  Because I'm so nice, I will let you. I may even pur for you. I seriously don't understand why my people need anyone else.  

Burrowing Mammal

 

[Crazy kitten looking to get under the blanket.]

Ruru the Cat here. The kitten, the only cat smaller than me, is weird. Thing is crazy. Varya seeks out blankets and burrows under them. How does she not feel trapped?  

[Aggressively friendly.]

I don't understand her need to be aggressively friendly with cats and people. However, I can see her passion for boxes. Any box, any time. That's valid. Sitting in my drawers in the bathroom? Technically, they're mine. I claimed them years ago. But it makes sense she likes them. 

[The Face of Insanity]

But hiding under blankets? I can see that would be warm. But how do they pet you? How do you escape if a scary cat comes along to growl at you?  How does this even work? It doesn't make sense to me, but there she is, every night, climbing under my person's mom's fuzzy blanket. I just don't get it. We had a DOG that used to do that. Maybe this cat is actually a dog. It would almost make her make sense. 

A cat's holiday season

 

[Casper the Friendly Poltergeist, AKA Dude, stealing my tree.]

Ruru the Cat here. Just haven't felt like blogging recently. All the other cats have stolen any holiday fun this year. Dude hopped in the tub the tree came out of to make sure it was all his from the first minute. I didn't even have the chance to sniff the box. 

[MY tree.]

Since then, he made it clear my favorite green jungle gy]m (also called the Christmas tree) is all his. He's the one that gets to attack the dangly sparklies until one after the other hits the floor, some of them shattering on impact. That should be MY job. But he's twice my size. 

[This wrap should be mine--source]

I hide in my room, so everybody else gets to feast on the food. I try to come out and get chased off. One-eyed-wonder, Phoenix, gets to the wrap before I can, shredding everything and attacking the empty roll. 

[What I should be doing with my holiday--killing stuff. Source.]

I didn't even get to knock the lights and the glowing Christmas cat decoration out of the window. I'm not sure who did that, but it wasn't me. 

[My Christmas--note nothing to kill. Sadly.]

It's just not fair. I didn't get to destroy ANY Christmas stuff this year. I guess I'll go pout in my people's room and leave them a hairball and a dead mouse. At least I can get in on Christmas giving. 

Selfish with My Turkey

 

[MY Turkey. Source]

Ruru the Cat here.  I swear people around here don't seem to get that I'm the center of the world. They had something around here called "Thanksgiving." I sat in the kitchen, specifically ordering some of that turkey meat, and my person's mom gave me only two or three little bits, ALMOST nothing. Honestly. She gave nearly as much to all the other fluffies staring at her and begging, their dorsal tails sticking out of the water. As if they deserve as much as me. 

[MY Whipped Topping: source]

Then, my person's dad had pie with a big pile of whipped, fluffy white stuff. CREAM. And he kept most of it to himself. And when he tried to give me a small taste, he kept missing, and it would drop to the ground. Others would get it. I'm not that small a cat. You should be able to find my mouth with your food pretty easily.  

[MY Rolls: source]

I had to STEAL the rolls from the table because they didn't offer them to me. Well, I bit through the bag and ate some of them while Varya was helping herself to the bread on the counter. But that was MY bread. The dogs got the empty plates because my people didn't save them all for me. What is wrong with my people?  Where's the proper worship? Seriously. 

Happy Birthday to the Wolf Weasel

[Happy Wolf Weasel]

Ruru the Cat here. Sadly, my people decided my birthday wasn't the only one my people celebrate. Varya, our local "wolf weasel" (as my people call the only cat around here smaller than me), got a birthday party, too.  They showered her with catnip mice. Why didn't they do that with me?  They just gave me catnip. She rubbed them all over her face like some crazed maniac. Instead of letting me play with them, so I could do the same. 

[This game confuses me.]

I did get to participate in one of the party games, but I didn't get it. They put one of us at a time in the bathtub. I like the bathtub, but only when I sit on the edge and wait to drink some person soup (the bathwater people are soaking in.) But it was wet and slimy and uncomfortable, so I just wanted to leave. 

[Master hunters seeking and destroying crickets.]

Meanwhile, Dude knew just how to dismember and swallow the crickets they put there. Varya grabbed one, jumped out of the tub, and moused it. She chased it around until it died a pathetic death then ate it. It was actually pretty funny.  But then again, she's a bug hunter, anyway. She'll leap into the air and catch a fly out of the air. That wolf weasel is nuts. 

So I don't get the point of celebrating any cats that aren't me. But I guess humans do weird things sometimes. Like days ending in Y.