Ruff Day!

[It started out fun.]

Cali the Dog here.  I just saw Ruru's blog was open.  My mommy tried to drown me today.  I know she did.  I saw she was leaving.  I wanted to go, too.  Whenever she wants to go somewhere, I gotta go.  Otherwise, I'm ALONE.  Only with other dogs and cats and people and stuff, but without MOMMY.  I don't wanna be alone.  So I wanna go. Usually, she takes me for walks and potty and walks and trips that take me somewhere fun like playing with puppies.  Oh, and walks. 

[This is when they laughed.]

But, today, my mommy did something scary.  She took me to water.  She put a jacket thing on me.  The people laughed and laughed at me, even my mommy.  Then, they did something worse.  It's hard to even describe.  

[In the scary kayak]

They put me in this thing they called a kayak.  I thought it was okay, as long as Mommy was coming too.  

[Here's where I think they wanted to drown me.]

But then, they put it on the WATER.  Not the yummy kind of water, either.  Or even bath water.  No, big, scary water that rocked and blew and made me want to be sick.  It was TERRIFYING.  I was sure I was gonna DROWN and die and stuff.  It wasn't safe like a walk.  There were no treats.  Just lots and lots of water that rocked the kayak thingie.  Mommy was there, but I was so scared. 

[Nasty water!]

Then, she finally took me to land but left again on another boat without me.  I thought I was gonna DIE because I didn't have my mommy.  But I didn't want to go on the scary water.  I didn't know what to do.  Why would Mommy be mean like this and take me scary places?  I don't understand.  

[The face of fear.]

When they put me in a boat again, even with Mommy, I was so scared.  I thought they'd send me out on the water.  I almost peed myself.  But they didn't make me get in the water again. Finally, we came home, and I was safe.  But it was so scary!  Oh, no  Here comes Ru.  She's gonna be so mad I stole her blog.  

[What I was doing the whole time it sucked to be that dog--taking a nap!]

Shoo, dog.  Get.  Oh, crap.  Oh, my.  This is the funniest blog I've ever read.  Man, I'm glad I'm not a dog.  Snurfle.  Humans wouldn't dare mess with a cat this way.  They'd know it would earn them a dead mouse in their shoe.  But this.  This is just epic.  Man, I'm going to be laughing about this all week.  Taking a dumb dog kayaking.  I'm gonna have to let that dog borrow my blog again.  I could always use the laugh. 

Eggs on My Head

[There is nothing funny about taking a cat's nap.]

Ruru the Cat here.  Seriously.  Humans find the weirdest things funny.  I was sitting there--okay, laying there trying to sleep--minding my own business, when my human decided to wish me a "Happy Easter" (whatever that means) by covering me in plastic eggs.  Repeatedly.  I kept wishing she'd leave me alone.  She'd take the eggs off and put them back on again in some new configuration.  

[Okay, I can handle that.]

Now, I've researched this Easter egg stuff.  I've also seen my humans wandering around my house, looking for egg-shaped plastic things with nasty sweet and citrusy stuff in them.  And I still don't get it.  What's the point?  I mean, why hide the brightly colored objects even a blind kitten can see and smell, and why, then, bother to look for something that doesn't squeak or run away?  When a cat hunts, she hunts with a purpose.  To kill.  Duh.  Whatever other purpose can there be?  And, somehow, in spite of eggs coming from a bird,  there's supposed to be a rabbit involved.  Cracked me up when that goofy dog I live with got stuck wearing bunny ears, but it's just not cool when you do it to a cat.  

[Why?  Just why?]

Humans just don't make sense.  I'm not sure why we cats try to figure you humans out at all.  Mostly, it just gives us a headache.  'Cuz you keep putting crazy crap on our heads.  

Ah, Man!

[A cat's view of heaven: papers to destroy, cats to play with, and mice to hunt.]

Ruru the Cat here.  You just don't know what a thrill it is to stalk a mouse!  Unless you had the wisdom to be born a cat, you can't even dream of the joys of the hunt, of sinking your teeth into its soft side, of throwing it into the air and having it flee for its life, knowing you can catch it again at any time!  Oh, such fulfillment!  One is never so very much a cat as when one is killing something.  So very satisfying. 

[The Pointless Machine]

This week, we found one, a young one.  Three of us chased it in and around one of the big machines humans occasionally use to walk in place without actually going anywhere.  It mostly sits there, gathering dust, so I'm not sure what its purpose is except to play into a human's need to feel like he/she is doing something, without actually having to do something.  Anyway, the three of us chased the thing all around and under the Pointless Machine.  Then, that little furry entertainment system disappeared into thin air.  None of us could smell it, hear it, or see it.  It didn't make any sense.  Until one of the humans started shaking this backpack, and it came flying out!  Oh, what an adventure! 

[Isn't he precious?  My precious?  He's not looking at me, just like I didn't get to see what happened to him.]

Except, then, my human nabbed me.  She lured me with snacks.  I always fall for that trick.  Then, she squirreled me away into one of those bedrooms, and I never got to see how the hunt ended.  Drat!  Or, rather, Dmouse!  Talk about anticlimactic!  I wish I could tell you what happened to the bringer of joy, but I never saw.  I imagine Toothless ate it when he tired of it, though he wouldn't admit it.  I'll just let Toothless find another one, so I can steal it. 

Nom Nom Rodentsss

[Here issss me!]

Thisss isss Keylime Python.  Ruru left her blog open, ssso I ssstole it.  She wouldn't mind.  I will be featuring a sssubject she would write on, anyway.  The sssurveysss have been fun, but I sssenssse a bit of biasss in her dissscourssse. I will attempt to be biasss-free.  Today'sss isssue is rodentsss.  Dogsss, what do you think about them? 

[Ruru would sssay he looks like a drown rat.  I sssay drown ratsss look much more appetizing.]

Dodger:  Bark bark bark.  What are you?  I don't get it.  

Me: Yesss, I don't doubt it.  Other dogssss?  

Twix:  Rodents?  Like mice?  Those little obnoxious things?  Not sure.  I'd kill one and taste it if I could catch one.  

Calli:  Oooh.  A rope.  I wanna chew it.  Hold still.  Wanna chew you.  

[If you can't sssee the hedgehog, look jussst above the shadow.]

Me:  That wasssn't the quessstion, but I think I will foressstall quessstionsss and go asssk sssomeone lesss dangerousss.  Fellow denizensss of the male human'sss quartersss, thoughtsss on rodentsss?  

Hedgehog:  Eeep!  Snake!  *Tremble tremble tremble.*

Me: Yesss, that wasss what I thought you would sssay.  Othersss?  

Beardie:  I'd try one if someone offered it.  

Leopard gecko: Nah, I like crickets.  Lots of crickets.  Crickets everywhere!  

Me:  Meanwhile, there issss nothing I prefer more than a lovely, plump rat.  I've had two ssso far sssince I arrived.  I wasss filled with anticipation and excitement when I realized I could give one a hug and a kissss.  Ah, sssuch joy!   

[Catssss]

Me:  Catsss, tell me what you think about rodentsss.   

Maya: There's nothing better than hunting mice.   Never tried a rat, though.  

Cass:  What are you?  I don't know whether to be scared of you or not.  But rodents are yummy.  I've tried several kinds.  

Toothless:  Oooh.  You're making me hungry.  I tend to leave rodents a head in this world.  Just a head.  

[Me vs. Ruru.]

Ruru:  Are you seriously stealing my blog?  This is MY BLOG.  I wanted to survey everyone on rodents.  YOU DON'T GET TO STEAL MY BLOG!!  

Me:  Too late.  I guesss a love of deliciousss rodentsss isn't as popular as I had sssuposssed.  

Ruru:  No!  Nothing is better than killing and eating rodents!  Don't let anyone say any differently!  How dare you--

Well, have a great week, humansss.  I'll be ignoring a cat now.