Blackest of Fridays

(Me, alone, suffering like the martyr I am)

Ruru the Cat here.  I can't tell you how much I suffered this weekend.  Seriously.  Worst. Thursday and Friday. Ever.  Everyone was talking about the joys of something called "Thanksgiving."  Well, my people ditched me on that very day and didn't come back until very late Friday night.  Worst of all...my person didn't see me slip into her room before she left.  I was left ALONE and BORED all day long in her room.  No food, no water, no potty.  Just me and a boring room.  It was TERRIBLE.  Worst of all, when my person finally showed up, she smelled of TURKEY and didn't even share.  Oh, it was a nightmare. 

Oh, right.  So I guess the other cats thought it stunk to be left alone and without turkey, too.  They keep whining about it.  Just thought I'd mention that as if it matters.  Scoutie was especially grumpy because he likes to go outside a lot.  Whatever whatever.  My person's annoying canine shadow keeps begging to talk.  

Hi.  I'm Twix.  My master's awesome.  I love my master so much.  

Whatever, dog.  Stop kissing up, and get to the point.  

(The guy who doesn't know what suffering is.  He had a useless, brainless fluff ball for companionship.)

Oh, right.  Yes.  My master is awesome.  Just so great.  Except she locked me up in a room and left me for a long long time and it felt like she wouldn't come back ever ever ever ever ever.  And I was so lonely I could die.  Okay, Dodger was there.  But it just wasn't the same 'cuz my beautiful wonderful master wasn't there.  She was gone, and I was so sad.  I thought my heart was gonna break into a billion pieces.  And then she showed up again, and everything was good.  Life is wonderful again.  

Seriously?  Everything is not wonderful.  What if she leaves again?  What if I get stuck in that room all by myself?  What if they don't give me turkey?  

Hi, can I say something?  

Maya, you already said something.  That's really enough.  I talked for all the rest of the cats.  You're a cat.  I talked for you, too 'cuz I'm nice like that.  

(Blah blah blah.  Whiner.)

Hello.  My name is Maya.  These last few days were worse for me.  Yes, I was left alone like everyone else, but I was sick at the time.  Before they left, I was feeling really bad.  I couldn't eat or drink 'cuz it hurt.  Everything hurt.  Then they took me somewhere scary that smelled like dogs and cats and medicine.  I heard the word "vet," but it didn't mean anything to me.   I heard strange animals all around, and it sounded like some of them were in pain.  If I weren't hurting so much, I would have run away because I was sure it was some kind of torture chamber.  But then this strange person poked in my mouth and my rear.  It hurt.  I knew it was my turn to die when they put me in this weird machine they called an X-ray.  But I didn't die.  Afterward, they poked me and took my blood.  I was left alone with the strangers for a long, long time. 

I was so happy to see my people come back and take me home.  But then, instead of setting me free, they held me tight and forced nasty stuff down my throat.  I couldn't believe they betrayed me like that.  But then, while my people were gone, I started to feel better.  I could even drink and eat a little.  I don't know what my people did, but I'm thankful to feel better.  And I'm thankful to be able to eat soft food they give me several times a day.  Nothing ever tasted so good.  I just wish they'd stop forcing that nasty stuff they got from the vet down my throat.  

                    (What I think of everyone else's "suffering")

Yeah, whatever, Maya and Twix and everybody else here.  I still say I suffered the worst of all.  Alone.  Bored.  Come on.  That's what real suffering is.  

  

Cat Rules for Surviving Toddlergeddon

[Behold the terrifying face of your nemesis]

Ruru the Cat here.  Man, you can't imagine what a rough weekend I've had.  My person had the right idea in hiding the second those scary toddler monsters showed up. They were all over my house, tossing stuff everywhere, dumping dog food in the clean pet water, chasing cats, spilling who knows what all over my carpet, and just generally being a worse pest than any mouse.  The other cats and I have been working on a list of rules to follow if not one but TWO nasty toddler beasties show up at your house.

    [Maya failing to follow her logical feline instincts and allowing herself to hobnob with the enemy]

1. Hide.  Hide fast, and stay hidden until there's no sound of toddlers.  Baby and Maya both say toddlers aren't so bad.  These nutty creatures drop food that can sometimes be yummy.  Okay, I'll admit a toddler gave me bacon one of the few times I showed up.  But hiding really is the best idea.  They can't beat on you and pull your tail if you hide.

2.  If you have to come out, run fast.  Those things can really move when they're chasing you.  The last thing you want to do is get caught.

3. Only come out to eat if they're asleep.  They smell kind of sweet and produce nice body heat.  They also have sticky stuff on them that tastes okay.  You see, I showed my bravery by snuggling one while it wasn't moving.  That was kind of pleasant, actually.  But I fled the second it moved.

                                                                     [Dogs don't get it]

4.  Make the dogs take the heat.  Dogs actually LIKE toddler attention.  Even Twixie doesn't find them too scary.  If dogs are out where they can be seen, cats are far less likely to draw the wrath of the wild toddler.  If you have to, chase the dogs out of your hiding place, so they are in a vulnerable and exposed position, not you.

Well, that's it.  If those things show up at your house, I know your first impulse will be to panic and maybe skip the state.  Just know you don't have to be helpless.

Gone Again

Ruru the Cat here.  My person keeps leaving me.  I keep trying to ground her, to make her hold still.  I sit on her.  I hide so she'll find me.  I play in her shoes.  I share food from her plate.  I act really, really cute and irresistible, so she realizes there's only one place in the world she wants to be, but she keeps leaving.  I'm just not sure to keep her here.  She's such a naughty person sometimes.

I don't mind so much when she leaves just for school.  That gives me the chance to get a nap before she starts to snuggle me and rearrange my face the next time.  But it's something else again when she doesn't even come home at night.  It makes me so sad.

Twixie and Dodger, the dogs here, act so forlorn when their people are gone.  They howl, whimper, and bark ALL NIGHT LONG.  I don't want to seem just like them.  I mean, cats and dogs are very different creatures.  Cats have to act superior, so people don't confuse us.  But how can I not act just as depressed as Twixie when our person leaves us and doesn't come home?  Just don't tell Twixie I told you that.

I Heart Science

Ruru the Cat here.  So the bestest of all things is the science fair.  I know that sounds funny, but let me explain.  My person's brother thought he'd like to put cat food in front of us to give us a taste test.  Except they didn't just settle for the cheap, hard stuff.  Oh, no, they went all out and got us the meat-in-a-can good stuff they NEVER give us.  Oh, my goodness, talk about a slice of paradise. 

They brought us one right after another into a room and put down a dish of chicken chunks soaked in cat-friendly gravy.  AND they put a dish with oh-so-yummy fishy pate down right next to it.  It was hard to decide which decadent pleasure to explore first.  I plowed through the chicken chunks then launched right into the pate without giving them a chance to haul it off.  I also refused to leave the room when the next of the six of us came in 'cuz I wanted to steal his leftovers. 

I don't care what their results were or what they were doing it for.  It doesn't matter.  I want a science fair just like that to happen every day.  Every single day.  Only next time, I won't share.