Shrunken Heads and Other Symptoms of Baths

[When you know your nightmare has just begun.]

Ruru the Cat here.  My frenemy, Maya, came close to that nasty B-word, a bath this week.  I watched my person grab her to take her in there, but then she got distracted by the puppies.  Whew.  When one of the cats gets a bath, I'm very sure I'm next. 

[The picture of misery: cat post-bath.]

Let me tell you that baths are the greatest evil on this planet.  I've seen them happen but haven't had one of these horrors happen to me in a while.  I still shudder when I flashback to the times my person plunged me into a whole tub of nasty, evil water.  Gah.  So ugly.  So terrifying.  I don't know how people can stand it. 

[Just pitiful.  Mama dog in the tub.]

I almost feel bad for the dogs because they get monthly baths.  But those poor, unfortunate little hairballs called puppies seem to get those awful baths almost once a week, almost more.  They whine and act like they're being murdered every time.  It's really close to a murder.  I swear it. 

[Pitiful Pup]

But I have to say that while they're whining and complaining, I'm laughing my guts out.  Those things shrink to half their size with these big bulgy eyes while I'm dying watching from my favorite hidey hole in the towel drawer.  Nobody sees me except when they go in to grab a hand towel.  And they're not doing that while they're drenching those dumb puppies.  Then, they haul those sodden, trembling, cold fuzz balls into the living room to brush and brush and brush them while aiming this horrible thing that sounds loud and looks like a gun but only blows air at them.  They sound like they're dying the whole time.  *Snurfle.*  It's always hilarious. 

[Puppy with shrunken head.]

The craziest, creepiest time was when Bean, the annoying little spotted one who keeps stealing my blog and my person, stuck his head into a dish and came out looking sticky but smelling milky and wonderful.  The humans didn't like this so much, but they'd just given the poor little martyr the full bath treatment.  So they just washed his head.  And it shrunk.  I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my life.  What's the moral of the story?  No baths.  Unless it's for dumb little puppies and for cats' amusement. 

A Moment of Peace

[How to have a good time: just me]

Ruru the Cat here.  It sucks that my people left me for a night.  They were supposed to stay here and love me.  On the bright side, they took those obnoxious little fuzzbutts with them.  And, they locked the dogs into the bathroom, so they wouldn't make a mess all over every floor. That was the great news.  No dogs!  Sylvie was left in her room!  Just cats I can beat on if they mess with me.  It was a beautiful taste of paradise.  Or would have been, except my person was gone.

Okay, fine.  The annoying little hairballs have returned and want to say something.  I know they'll keep yipping if I don't let them speak. 

[Happy me playing on the bed in the hotel room.]

Wheee!!  This is Bean!  I got to go with my people on a road trip!  It was GREAT!!!  Okay, so I didn't like every time I got put in that annoying cage.  I didn't like that at all.  But the rest of it was GREAT!!!  We got held and cuddled and played with the whole WAY.  It was sad that they wouldn't let me play with Daddy.  I don't get it.  Just 'cuz he was holding this round thing and staring out the front of the loud, rumbly thing we were riding in, I don't see why he couldn't play with me.  

[They brought our stuff with us!]

But we got to play all over this big room that smelled fresh and clean and had soft beds we could play on.  The floor was smooth, but we had all the familiar stuff like our potty pads and food and got treats for going potty.  It was great.  Except when they put us in cages then came back smelling like food.  Can't we go get food, too?  But they brought us bacon!  So it was okay.  It was SO FUN!

[Lameness 'cuz it's not me.]

  
 It just doesn't sound like fun at all to me except bacon.  I hear my person left me to play in water and hang out in something called ice castles.  Just why?  I'm way better than water or ice.  Or puppies.  Or cars.  Definitely better than puppies.  Then again, what isn't?

Revenge of Toddlergeddon!

[The little one and one of the monsters]

GAH!!!  Ruru the Cat here.  I was just telling you about the nightmares I was having, those flashbacks back to the last time those monsters came to my house.  Then, suddenly, there they were, haunting my house!  The little one was eating the dog food I like to steal, though mostly, she hung out near her people, the big ones that bring the monsters. 

[The faces of destruction.]

No, the real problems were the Destructo Duo!  They were everywhere, in almost every room.  I hid in my person's room, trembling anytime they came anywhere near those stairs.  I listened to the duo crashing and bashing their way through the house, eating everything they could reach, throwing stuff around everywhere, kind of like locusts but taller and LOUDER. 

[When monsters get together] 

But they couldn't get enough of the other thorn in my side, those yappy little hairballs that now have started to look like mini dogs.  I was quite sure they were worms, but they've grown legs and tails and now eat my dog food right out of the dish I've claimed as my own.  And they're now everywhere, too, no longer restricted to the sofa.  So much for my house.  Anyway, I was hoping the two sets of monsters would have a fight to the death over turf and take each other out, leaving the house to me. 

Alas, it was not to be.  They actually seemed to become allies, friends even.  *Shudder.*   I hate to think what they'll do to my poor house when next they get together.  I think I'll get a jump on it and hide somewhere. 

My Red Dot!

[My dot.  I saw it first.]

Ruru the Cat here.  It's my red dot, the one that sometimes appears when humans wave a pen around.  I don't know what it is, but it's mine.  I've talked about it a couple of times, so you know it's mine.  Well, now everyone in the house wants to play with my red dot.  Seriously?  I claimed it.  What gives them the right?  'Cuz, you know, mine.  

[Maya thinks it's hers, like the house]

Both Maya, the one who thinks she's queen of the house, and my dumb brother, Toothless, both want the dot.  Do they not realize it's MY dot?  I don't know what it is, where it comes from, or even how to kill it, but I WILL figure it out.  Just me.  Worst of all, SYLVIE, that dumb invader in my house, wants the dot.  BUT IT'S MY DOT.  

[Did I say worst of all?]

I was wrong.  There is something worse than Sylvie wanting my dot.  It's that the puppies claimed my dot.  They poop on whatever they claim, which will ruin it entirely.  Sylvie, at least, has the good sense to just walk away.  The puppies have no sense at all.  

[GAH!] 

Worse yet, it almost looks like one of them CAUGHT IT!  NO!  They're dumb and silly!  They can't have figured out the mystery of the dot before me!  This is not fair.  I gotta go find that dot.  Prove I'm the only one that can kill it.  'Cuz I'm the rightful queen of the house.