Flashbacks to a Toddlergeddon Nightmare

[Crap.  He sees me.]

Ruru the Cat here.  Having these annoying puppies bouncing all over me and trying to chew my ears reminds me of something annoying that happened recently that I scarcely mentioned because there was too much going on.  I keep telling myself it was just a nightmare, but I have photos to prove it wasn't.  There I was, minding my own business, getting the love I so richly deserved. 

[Ah, man.  Here he comes!]

Watch this scary toddler closing in.  I didn't like that he was getting closer.  Too close. 

[No!  Let me go!]

Then, he stepped closer.  Oh, no, I was thinking.  This can't be.  I'm being held right here, exposed to those hands that can pull my tail, throw my lovely, crunchy dog food into the water to be ruined, and run through the house, making so much noise I have to hide in the basement or upstairs and not even step foot out to where I can be seen. 

[Run!  Hide!]

Then, he gets CLOSER!   I gotta run.  I have to escape, but I can't do it.  Crap.  He's touching me!

[No touchie!]

NO!  He's getting closer still!  Tell him to stop.  No!  Get thee hence!

[Gah!  This cannot be happening.]

What a nightmare!  I spend all the time they're here hiding from these monsters!  And now, I'm covered in their cooties!  I'm gonna go take a nap and hope to have a better dream.  Maybe about killing something small and fuzzy. 

Vote 'em Off

[Fuzzy thorns in my side]

Ru:  Ruru the Cat here.  We've decided to vote the obnoxious yippy things off the island.  Seriously.  They just won't leave my tail alone.  They won't leave my ears or my face alone.  Every cat in the house agrees it's time.  Okay, so Sylvie doesn't mind them as long as she can sneak some of their food.  And Cass can tolerate them.  Toothless just ignores them.  Maya agrees.  And she's old.  I mean really REALLY old.  Almost ten.  That's super old.  I mean OLD.  Okay, enough of that, Maya.  I know they get the point that you're old.  Okay.  Fine.  Moving on.  The important thing is we all agree that we don't want them here.  We just want their food.  Oh, no. 

[See the monster in constant motion?  Yes, I'm ignoring it.  It's not there.]

Here they come.  I'm ignoring them.  Really.  Ignoring them.  Turning my face away and everything.  Hmm hmm.  They're not here.  Oh, crap.  They're stealing my keyb...

[Me!  Bean!]

Bean:  Hi hi hi!  I'm Bean!  I think I'm Bean!  I may be No no no OW! Stop Biting!  I also get called Naughty Puppy.  And Spastic Mogwai or Gremlin.  Don't know what that means.  I'll just call myself Bean.  I love this place!  I can romp up and down the big blue thing.  Sofa?  Ru says it's a sofa.  I love Ru!  She's AMAZING.  I love to chew on her ears.  I also love Toothless.  And I love Cass.  And I really really love Sylvie, but she won't let me chew on her ears.  Sad sad.  

[Kill!]

I also love to jump around and kill stuff!  If I love it, I'll kill it!  And I love EVERYTHING!  I love food and water and playing with my sister and cats and food.  Did I say food?  I love to potty and getting treats.  I love toys.  I REALLY love toys.  And food.  And my mommy.  And Daddy.  And playing.  And people.  I get so excited when people come and say hi.  

[I don't like baths.]

I don't like when people leave.  That makes me sad.  And I don't like baths.  They get me all wet, and I get cold and trembly.  No baths.  

Ru:  At least we agree on one thing, hairball.

Bean:  I love you Ru!  

Ru:  Get thee hence, dog!

Bean: Can I chew on your ears?  

Ru: Go away!

Bean:  Most of all, I love my sister, Angel.  I think she's Angel, but she could be Butter or Good Girl.  Not sure.  But she's my sister, and I love to kill her.  

[I like to play.]

Angel: I love you, too, Bean!  I like cats, but they're a little mean.  They growl and claw.  They scare me.  I do like food and Mommy and Daddy.  I like toys and playing.  I love love love people.

Bean:  Yeah.  All that.  It's so great.  Best thing in the world!

[Me vs. The Beast]

  
Ru:  Which is the best thing?  There can only be ONE best thing.  I swear.  I thought the dogs were dumb.  Puppies can't spell IQ.  It's embarrassing.  And even their mommy doesn't want to spend more than a few seconds kissing them.  Dodger, their dad, straight up runs away.  Not kidding.  So everyone agrees that the puppies should go.

Bean:  Okay, I'll go.  

Ru:  Oh, man.  That is NOT what I meant.  Clean up on the sofa.  Puppies.  Who needs them?

Live Action Hairballs

[Where the Wild Things Are]

Ruru the Cat here.  Enough already.  It's bad enough to have regular-sized dogs around here.  The ones that eat my dog food, stolen fair and square, and that think they are some how big enough or important enough to chase cats around.  Now, they've brought in these little monsters.  Have I mentioned how much I hate babies?  ANY babies, including cat babies? 

[Monster nipped my ear!]

It's worse yet when they're dog babies.  But I was traumatized.  Traumatized I tell you.  I was sitting on my person's bed, minding my own business, when the little monsters came up and chewed on my ear.  MY EAR.  Like, the one attached to my head.  It was all I could do not to bite the thing and chew it up like the hairball it is. 

[The one that's not so horrible.] 

One of them isn't so bad.  She's kind of quiet and did NOT chew my ears.  We took a nap together.  I did not kill her.  You're welcome. 

[The monster on my bed.]

But I hear it's the spotted monster that is going to stick around.  The one that swatted at me, jumped at me, and generally made a nuisance of himself.  He even chewed my BUTT NOODLE.  MINE!!!  NO one touches my butt noodle!!!

[Monsters on my bed.]

I'm okay with dogs when I can safely ignore them.  This one would not be ignored.  And did I mention that, worst of all, it was in my turf?  On my person's bed?  I could almost handle it on the floor.  But on MY BED in MY ROOM?  That's the last straw.  Seriously.  They're loud, smelly, and in MY BED.  GAH!!!  Whose bright idea were these things?  Can I ship them back to wherever they came from?  I don't think my ear will ever recover from this trauma.  I'm gonna go kill something, so I can feel better. 

Yours vs Mine

(Invaders in my house.)

Ruru the Cat here.  Let me explain something to you little puff balls some call "puppies" who have invaded my house.  I don't care if you are six inches tall but think you're a lot taller.  You growl like you're so tough.  You bark like you think anyone bigger than bunny slippers should fear you.  I'm bigger, older, meaner than you.  Put those little teeth away.  I laugh in the face of your itty bitty claws.  My tail is not afraid of you. 

[You beasties playing with my toys.]

Those toys you like to play with?  They're cat toys.  MY toys.  Those feathers you like to play with?  They're MY feathers. 

[My feathers and toys in MY room.]

The pipe cleaners you like to play with?  They're mine, too.  That dog food?  I stole it fair and square.  It's mine. 

[Better you than me, kid.]

Now, the clothing humans like to stick us in?  You can have that.  All of it.  Not kidding.  Except maybe that one sweater, but we're not talking about that right now. 

[Get thee hence, clothing.]

I'm nice, right?  This is called sharing.  Just remember to leave my feathers and fun stuff alone.  Not kidding.  It's mine.  Fear me.  Rar.