The Spot

                            [Me receiving the proper amount of worship, which I get in my spot.]

Ruru the Cat here.  You know that spot, the spot in the house everyone wants.  THAT spot.  In this case, it's that chair where my person's mom sits most of the day.  Sometimes, my person is even there. It's soft.  All the people want it.  But more importantly, all animals in the house know it's where you sit to get body heat and lovings all day long.  All you have to do is set there, and life is wonderful.  That hand will automatically find you.  That's also a great spot to sit when treats are given out.  It's my spot, regardless of what anyone else tells you.  I claim that spot forever. 

                                                                     [Me in the spot.]

Yet some animals around here don't understand that it's my spot.  Mine.  Not theirs.  First off, my person keeps locking me where I can't get to The Spot.  That means Twix and Dodger have first dibs, and it's not fair.  Secondly, the other cats in my house get the upstart idea that they can steal my spot, get my lovings, take my treats.  Just because I'm not in it doesn't make it any less mine. 

                                              [Me, reminding Twix this is not his spot.]

Sometimes, I'll get in here, and that pill Twix will be sitting in my spot.  Of course, I have to show him who's boss by sitting on him.  But it really drives me nuts when he thinks he can do that to me.  It's MY FETCHING SPOT.  Mine.  It also drives me nuts when he tries to tell me he's boss by licking my butt.  Now, it would be great if I felt this were a worshipful gesture, but I get the feeling he's doing it to try to intimidate me.  It won't work.  'Cuz the spot is mine.  You can't have it.  Twix can't have it.  NOBODY can have it.  It's mine.  And don't you forget it. 

Death Noodle from Outer Space

[Beware the creepy thing.]

Ruru the Cat here.  So my people came home with this really creepy thing from, I don't know, space or something.  Who knows where people find these things?  It smells funny and looks funnier, kind of like that gray rope-looking thing that my people brought home but wouldn't let me kill a while ago but bigger.  I mean, a LOT bigger.  They call it a BALL python as in a ball of yarn.  Which means it should be my toy.  But nooooo.  That would make too much sense.  Besides, I'm not sure I want it anywhere near me.  Have you seen those teeth?  

                                                   [It's getting closer!  AAAAAAAAHHHH!]

My people should ask for my permission before invading my house with a ...oh, crap.  Here it comes.  I mean, it's coming RIGHT here RIGHT now!  I'm out of here.  

                         <===============================:}

/.,/,;lmlkjk Sssssorry.  I had to sssslither acrossss the keyssss to sssettle in where I could type.   Thissss isss Key Lime Python, or ssssso the humanssss around here call me.  You can call me Key for sssssshort because I can open any lock except the one on my cage, but I'm working on it.  I just came from a placcccce that wassss quiet all the time.  They had a kid, a man, a woman, a cat, and a parrot, all of whom gave me a lot of peacccccce and quiet.  And they fed me.  All told, not a bad life.  I came from another placccce a year ago I can't remember well except I had a tiny, crowded cage and not enough food.  In that house from whence I just came, I missssed attention, but assssss long asssss they fed me, it was all good.  

[The keyboard: a sssnake'sss bessst friend.]

Now, I am here in a placccce with what feelssss like ten thoussssand catsss, who find me fassscinating and sssswat at me, dogssss who want to eat me, and a kid who can't get enough of hauling me around everywhere ALL the time.  I'm kind of missssing the quiet.  However, at the ssssame time, I don't mind being held.  And worn asssss a hat and a braccccelet.  And held ssssome more.  And worn over hisss shoulder and neck and just held a lot.  I mean, a lot.  I ssssscarcely get a chanccccce to think before he picksssss me up again.  He'sss always giggling and sssssmiling every time he sssspeakssss of ssssnakes.  He tried to feed me a rat yessssterday, but I declined.  I just don't feel ssssafe yet.

[This juvenile male human is wayyyy too fascinated with me for me to essscape in a hurry.]   

I am back to pondering esssscape.  That issss always my primary goal and hasss been ssssinccce I wassss hatched.  Humanssss can't posssibly underssstand the complicated motivationssss of ussss higher life formssss, nor can catssss and dogsss.  Oh, drat.  The cat isssss coming back with her friendssss.  I will sssspeak to you again ssssoon.  ggsdasdCZx

Ruru again, finally back in control of my stupid computer.  Stinking snake.  How dare she call me a "lower life form."  Humans, sure.  We all know they're not as superior as a cat.  That snake is awfully uppity for an oversized plate of noodles.  She promises she'll be back, but I'll be sure she doesn't.  It's my computer even if the person thinks it's hers. 

Cannibals!

 (Meat!)

Ruru the Cat here.  I just don't know how to write about such a ghastly topic.  My people have done something horrible.  They went off to a wild game night.  They ate a whole plate of meat of every description from elk to bacon to beef to bacon to fish to bacon to deer sausage to bacon without my help.  They all smelled so strongly of meat that I about died when they didn't even bring me a tiny piece.  They shared with the dog but not me. 

(Their victim!)

But that's not the truly horrible, dreadful, unspeakable part.  The truly unspeakable part is my people came back talking about having eaten cat.  Bobcat, but still.  And they said they did it before, a cougar.  Seriously?  I don't care that my person's mom said it tasted like chicken rolled in litter box and was so foul she wanted to throw up, that it tasted so strongly of a gamy flavor she could scarcely get one tiny bit down.  I don't care that they didn't know what it was until it was too late.  I don't care about any of that.  They ATE CAT.  Seriously?

(My nightmares this week.)

I just don't know how to handle this news.  How can you trust people who would eat your species?  I'm afraid to go to sleep.  What if they decide they like chicken rolled in litter box?  I'm afraid I'll wake up one of these days, and a person will be looming over me with a fork and sauce.  I don't think I'll sleep a wink all week.

I wonder if they have a piece left.

Attack of the Toddlers 3: Revenge of the Yeti

(Trapped in basement!)

Ruru the Cat here.  I have been hiding downstairs all weekend, along with the rest of the cats.  We're afraid to stick our noses out, all of us (and do you know how annoying siblings can get when you're all cooped up together?)  There's yet another big, scary yeti out there.  It looks kind of the same but a little smaller.  But it smells different.  Either way, it's too big and scary and gets in our faces.  So here, we hide.  And it's been TERRIBLE.  All our lovings (and dog food) is being taken by Yeti II.  

(BEWARE OF STICKY MONSTERS)

Oh, and it gets worse.  The people who brought Yeti, Jr, also brought TWO TODDLERS.  Those same toddlers that play with dog food, throw cookie cutters downstairs through our cat door, haul cat toys and stuff everywhere, threaten to pet us with their sticky hands, and just generally take over our WHOLE HOUSE!  It's been a NIGHTMARE!!!!   

Twix?  What are you doing?  That's my computer!  Leave it alone!  Okay, fine.  Go ahead.  But I warn you, cats reading this blog, that Twix is just a dog and shouldn't be taken seriously.  

(SCARY MAN!!!)

Hi.  I'm Twix the most adorable pomchi in the world.  Oh my gosh, oh my gosh!  It's all far worse that you think.  I have had the worst week!  The WORST!  Ruru doesn't get it, oh nononono.  It was bad bad bad bad bad!  Everything was great and wonderful. Every morning, I bark and bark and bark and bark and bark at that scary man in my house.  My mommy has stuck a jacket on me, saying it would stop me from barking.  Didn't work.  He's scary, just like the person who hit me when I was little.  He hasn't hurt me yet, but I know he's gonna.  He gives me treats and tries to pet me!  So scary!  Anyway, so then they put smelly stuff on my nose that tasted great and made me feel a little better, but he was still scary!  All he had to do was twitch, and I'd know he was gonna eat me!  They gave me chill pills that made me relax a little, but he was still SCARY.  They plugged something in that makes the whole house smell like something pleasant, but there's still a MAN in my HOUSE.  I mean, so scary that all he had to do was walk around, and I knew I was gonna DIE!!!  

(Cone of shame=horrible!)

Anyway, then one day three or four days ago, that scary, scary, scary man hauled me off in a box and brought me into a place that smelled like dogs and cats and rabbits and BIG DOGS.  Scary ones.  And lots and lots of people that smelled like dogs and cats and bunnies.  It was TERRIFYING.  Until they put something in me, and I went to sleep.  When I woke up, something was different.  Something was missing.  I felt weird, and strange people were petting me.  My mommy came back, and I was so HAPPY. But now, my peepee parts hurt all the time.  I try to lick them, and my mommy says no.  She even puts this cone thingy around my neck, so I can't see very well, and it's uncomfortable.  It's been awful.  I've been hugging my mommy the whole time.  

(Not so scary)

Then, the big, scary, white dog Ruru calls a yeti showed up.  And it smelled scary.  And those toddlers tried to pet me!  So I barked and barked and barked and barked.  Suddenly, the big, scary man in my house doesn't seem so scary.  He offers me bacon and pets me and offers me bacon.  So I lick his hand and sit by him.  He's still a little scary, but he's not as scary as the toddlers and the yeti.  Except now, I'm kind of used to the yeti's smell and the toddlers give me food.  I'm still in pain, but things aren't as bad as Ruru says.  Really they're not.  Everything's good when I have my mommy and when the air smells nice.  

(Get thee hence, yeti and toddlers.)

Ruru again.  Well, you're no help.  There's still a YETI in my house and, worse yet, TODDLERS.  They throw the dog food everywhere and reach over to pet us.  They're still SCARY.  I don't care what the air smells like.  I told you that you can't trust a dog.