The Point of a Hand

 

[The Purpose of hands.]

Ruru the Cat here. Human hands are great. They can pet me, feed me, give me water, bring me toys like catnip and mice with feathers, and play Slaps with my tail. Human hands are the best things ever. Wayyy better than other cats.

[Me Offering to Play]

Slaps, you ask? Yes, I love to play slaps. I haven't seen other cats do it. I don't know what's wrong with them. It's great. The human pats my tail, and my tail taps back. Then the human taps again. It could go on for quite a while. It's for when I'm not in the mood to let humans touch me in some other way. 

[How you should see your cat's belly. Source]

Because you HAVE to listen to a cat's body language. Seriously. Don't touch us when we're not inviting it, or you could get bear trapped. You'll be reminded of many cats' favorite love language: kill. Unless you're really not attached to that hand. Then, be my guest. 

[Clearly Misplaced Priorities]

However, humans seem to think hands have purposes other than taking care of cats. This is a totally wild delusion that makes no sense to me. How can there possibly be some other reason for those things to exist? You seem to think you should spend time with your hands playing with computers, pressing buttons, moving stuff around, hugging each other, or even scratching your nose. 

[Do the Right Thing. You Know You Want To.]

This clearly shows messed up priorities on your part. Come on. The purpose of everything is felinity. Particularly this cat. But I know most of you don't have access to me to show me the worship I deserve. So as a cold second choice, you should be petting your own cat. Stop wasting time on your computer, and go fulfill your purpose in this world NOW. 

Picking Friends

 

[Humans and dogs. Why?]

Ruru the Cat here. I've said it before. Humans have weird tastes in friends. They like dogs and other cats. Why? It mystifies me. I tolerate the dogs because they are throw rugs who happen to own body heat. But to consider them friends?  Not me. 

[My brother, the lump.]

The only cat I tolerate, and that only sometimes, is my brother. He's okay. Kind of a lump, but he doesn't attack me or chase me around like they do. 

[Other cats. Ew.]

Other cats, however, are the very devil. Especially kittens. They don't respect your dignity at all. They ATTACK you and steal your spot and your dog food you stole fair and square. So glad we no longer have any of those nasty pests around here. 

[Humans. Yes.]

Humans, however, not only have body heat but also hands. And no claws or sharp teeth. Humans are really great for a snuggle. But not for their taste in friends. Want more evidence? 

[Exibit C. Just no.]

Tails can be friends. I'll chase them for hours. I can even attack it, and it won't attack back. I can snuggle it, and it even has body heat. Tails are great. I can hang out with pipe cleaners and tails. Long, skinny things without sharp teeth. Pipe cleaners make good prey. Snakes CANNOT be friends. To anyone. I don't even want them for prey because they have teeth. Humans, why do you make friends with useless animals and...whatever a snake is? I just don't understand humans and their friendships at all. If you had a tail, you'd understand what a friend they can be. Just go get a tail. Then, you'll have a best friend. What are you still doing here? Get to it.