NOT my best Friend

 

[The only cat that matters. Me.]

Ruru the Cat here. I've acquired a fan. I don't WANT a fan. I want the cats to leave me alone. I watched most of them grow up as kittens. Rather, I beat them up when they were easy targets because I DON'T like kittens. How was I to know they'd almost all grow up to be wayyyy bigger than me and scary?  I mean, this is my world. My house. My people weren't supposed to let anyone in that I didn't specifically approve. But they did again and again. Now, I have a house full of cats that hate me almost as much as I hate them. 

[My new "best" Friend.]

Yeah, well, MOST of the cats are smart enough to know to leave me alone. NOT this one, the one-eyed wonder who has a funky nose. She's built funny and clearly thinks funny.  Apparently, Dude the 15-pound unit of cat who's at least twice anybody else's size has decided Phoenix the One-Eyed-Wonder is an easy mark, easy to pick on, easy to bully. I could have told him that. So Phoenix has decided all the big cats (most of the 8 in our house) are scary because one of them is a meany head to her. She doesn't seem to smell very well, so she can't tell them apart. Fair enough. They all hate me and chase me around.

[We Are NOT Amused.]

Here's the truly delusional part. She's mistakenly decided two of us small-types are her best friends, me and Maya the Grumpy Demon Cat--who hates all cats especially me. She tries to PLAY with us. Phoenix will run right up to Maya, not realizing that cat will eat anyone who gets in her face, and think the chase that follows is FUN. Spoiler alert. It's NOT. Then, Phoenix will run up the side of the cat tree and try to invite me to play. Clearly, she doesn't hear me hiss and growl. Just to translate, that's cat for "Get thee hence, Satan." Something is WRONG with that cat. I sit on my throne to be worshipped like the queen of the world I am, not to be told it's time to do something so peasant-like as to play. If only she weren't so big and scary, I'd put her in her place. But she's big. And scary. So I'll be hiding on my little throne and pretending to be invisible. 

Ground Hog Day and BACON!

 

[Ground...hog? I don't get it. Source.]

Ruru the Cat here. Man, where have you been all my life, lovely meat? My person's mom fried up BACON and sausage and cheese and all the lovely things that fill the air with joy. She said the sausage was for something called Ground Hog Day then laughed. Humans are weird. But if it results in bacon and sausage for me, I'm all for it. 

[Bacon! Source]

But when I smell the most beautiful thing in the world, human food, I ram on my person's mom's door to get out, so I can get in on this wonder. Well, that night, she gave me raw bacon and cooked bacon and cheese. Even chicken and bacon. I reminded her every time she stopped the rain of joy from coming just for me. She said she was making quiche. I don't know what that means, but as long as it involves bacon, it works for me. 

[The furniture that would be stupid enough to stand between me and my bacon.]

The other cats sniffed or shied away from this salty happiness. Maybe it was because the dogs were eager to move in and chase them away. But those barking, fluffy pieces of furniture will get chewed on if they stand between me and the new love of my life. Nothing stands between me and my BACON.