Chest Burster

[Good riddance, annoying little beasties.]

 Ruru the Cat here.  I was going to tell you all about how wonderful it is to have my house to myself again.  Sort of.  Anyway, the kittens are gone. The people packed them up and hauled them off.  Said something about another foster home, whatever that means.  Dunno where, but it's much quieter around here, which is all that's important.  There are still seven of us, WAAAY too many cats when I'm all the awesomeness you need. And with me around, I don't see the point of the dogs.  So I was set to tell you about how nice upon the ears and the nose that those kittens are gone, but Beanie insists that he has to tell you about something he did.  As if that could possibly be more important than what I have to say.  Anyway, he won't leave me alone until I let him have it, so here he is.  Try not to die of boredom. 

[This is me!]

Hi hi hi!  I'm Bean!  Also called Beanie or Mr. Bean or Beanie Boo or I forget what, but I'm an amazing Pomeranian! Everyone should be a Pomeranian like me, 'cuz it's amazing!  I jump all over the place with all my energy and play with my doggie mama and my buddy, Wren the kitten, and my person and all the people who will play with me! My favorite spot in the world is my person mommy's shoulder.  

[Good grief. I'm secretly rolling my eyes.]

Ru: Yes, we got all that, though no one really wants to be a dog, let alone a lint-on-a-leash hairball like you. What were you so excited to talk about RIGHT NOW that you had to steal my blog? And can you cool it with the exclamation points?

[Me, figuring out this Halloween stuff!]

Bean: Right!  Everybody wants to hear about my Halloween adventure!  When my person mommy puts on her shoes, I know she's gonna take me on a walk, every time!  Except she doesn't!  Sometimes, she makes me stay home!  And I am so SAD!  This time, I jumped on her shoulder, and she forgot to take me off!  So she let me come!  We drove up a little ways to houses, my person, her mate, and her human boy. They joined my favorite neighbors, so I got all excited and jumped all over them! Everybody was wearing weird stuff, like weird hats and coverings for their body that I've never seen before!  

[I can smell him. There's a human under that plastic mask.]

Ru: Those are called Halloween costumes, and everybody kept saying how they were going trick-or-treating, whatever that meant.  None of it makes any sense to me, but I did hear about them. 

[Watch me burst out of Mommy's jacket.]

Bean: Best of all, my person took me everywhere!  It was amazing!  I got to ride in my person's jacket!  I got to meet some people who petted me and didn't steal me away from my person or anything! And they took us to this place with lots of people and gave me bits of meat.  It was GREAT!

[Nothing scary or interesting about Halloween or Halloween cats. Except Maya. She's terrifying.]

Ru: So you burst out of her chest and ate meat.  Okay, that part sounds okay.  It's the rest of it, like going outside, that wouldn't work for me.  And people. Especially people.  I don't understand the appeal of this dumb holiday. I mean, I hear it glorifies black cats. I get stuck with black cats all day, every day. There's nothing special about them because they're not me.  Then again, I don't understand the appeal of dogs, either, so I guess that mess called Halloween and dogs belong together. 

Are You My Mother?

[I do NOT approve of this mad house of kittens.]

Ruru the Cat here. The dumb kittens keep pestering us all and whine all the time, even though I can smell they get the good stuff, the soft, meaty food and the milk. When they have leftovers, the dogs scarf it all before we cats can so much as sniff it.  It's time those vermin left my house.  I wonder if I can childproof my house, making it so no more annoying kittens show up when they're not welcome.  Anyway, they wanted to whine at you for a while, so I figured I'd let you suffer, too.  

[Both cow babies look like this.]

Sock: we were in a box waiting for mommy and people took us away and then fed us milk and it was great but now we don't get milk but have to eat squishy food in a dish and sometimes only sometimes get milk and now they're making us eat hard food and water and i don't like it and want my milk back.  

Loch Ness: uh huh what she said. i like the soft food and keep climbing my new person mommy to ask for some but she just puts us by the dish. i want my milk back.  

Ruru: Seriously, are you two fluffy butts really kittens?  You look more like black and white cows. Make your own milk. 

[And the three dwarf Halloween cats, kind of like ours but even more annoying.]

Big Foot: can i have milk too? 

Mothman: me too oooh, me!

Sasquatch: i like water and kibble and soft food and hard food and milk and all the food. i like it all. 

Ruru: Child after my own heart.  Well, you would be, but I don't like kids.

[Yeah, we don't need you, kitten. We have one just like you but bigger and a cyclops.]

Jersey Devil: i'm gonna keep climbing my mommy with my claws until she gives me the good stuff.  might bite her too. 

Ruru: I'm thinking they named you just right. 'Course, in my mind, you're all little devils. When the people wouldn't give them milk anymore, just that soft, yummy food from a dish, they started begging for milk wherever they could. 

[No, I am not your mother.]

[No, that one isn't either. She's a mom but not yours.]

[Now, it's getting ridiculous. That dog is male.]

Ruru: You see why I want them out of my house. They eat all the good food and our people's time and can't even capitalize words. Anybody want a kitten?  Take them!  They're yours. 

Now, I'm Getting Mad

[It's me!]

Bean: 

Hi!  I'm Bean!  I wanna talk all about some amazing things!

Ru: 

Sorry, Bean.  This is Ru the Cat, and this is my blog.  You have to wait until next week.  I am so upset that I can't find words for how mad my humans made me this week.  

Bean: 

But humans are wonderful!  Wait, what's a human?

[My face on kittens. Any questions?]

Ru: 

Ignore the small, brainless dog.  My humans have done it again.  I've blogged all about how much I can't stand kittens, how much kittens drive me nuts, how frustrating kittens are because they have no respect for big, smart cats.  Particularly me.  

[The hoards have descended on my spot.]

Well, my humans have let in more kittens.  Not just more kittens.  Not two or three or even four.  SIX more kittens.  Six.  My humans have become addicted to the little monsters.  And they bring the little beasts out of their isolated room wayyyy too often to give them love.  MY love.  That I should have. 

 

[Dumb Wren getting my lovings from my person.]

I thought they'd learned their lesson when they brought in Wren.  He's a little bipolar creature who flips from purry sweet to murderous in a second with no provocation or reason.  That, I can respect.  What I can't respect is that he doesn't leave my butt noodle alone.  It's my tail, and I want to play with it.  I don't need anyone else putting their smells on it. 

[Dumb dog, just say no.]

But I digress.  My main point is my house has been invaded by little monsters that will attack me, the dogs, the humans, anyone simply for sitting in their way.  Worse yet, anyone there may just get sucked on because they obviously have no sense at all.  A dumb, little boy dog is not going to give them milk or anything else but a headache. 

[These monsters are stealing my attention.]

There is no logic, no caution, no intelligence to those annoying hairballs.  They just eat or attack anything in their path and poop everywhere.  I just can't handle this. Humans, you're fired.