Going to a Better Place

 

[It may be it's on the cat tree, have sharp teeth, and eat rodents but is this python really a cat? Yeah, no.]

Ruru the Cat here. My people have been unnecessarily obsessing about this stupid living rope. Yeah, they call it a snake and act like it matters, but does it really? It doesn't have fur, four legs, or anything that makes it matter. You know, like cats matter. Well, like I matter because, after all, the other cats and dogs don't matter as much as I do. Humans try to matter, and they do a good job as long as they're taking care of my needs. But no one around me seems to quite understand priorities. 

[Dude and Roswell waiting for their nonexistent turn with the rat.]

Anyway, so my people have been worried about the snake not eating rodents. Why don't they worry that I don't get enough rodents in my diet? Why aren't they buying rodents and serving them up to me like I'm a royal? Okay, so if I don't get enough rodents, I can eat the boring kibble. I imagine he can, too. Why is it such a freak-out that Minion the Banana Ball hasn't eaten a rat for four months? I don't ever get fillet of rat. Wow, that sounds yummy. Can I have one? No? Dangit. See, my people were so worried that they bought him a live rat. But they didn't offer it to ME. See how bad their priorities are? We cats just had to salivate over a rat under glass while the snake was served then ignored this live one. Seriously?

[Off to a better place.]

Apparently, at his old home, Minion would eat well and be well taken care of. So, anyway, my people went on a trip a couple of days ago to take him back to his old home because my people couldn't get him to eat a rat, not a frozen tiny one, not a medium one, not a big one, not a living one, not any rat at all. What is his problem? I would have taken any of them. I could have spent a full hour or two or even three killing the rat, killing it again, playing with it, and killing it some more. Just think of the joy. What is wrong with this world that I didn't get my turn?

At least It Wasn't Me

[Minion the Python at the Vet]

Ruru the Cat here. Man, there's been a lot of obsession around here with that stupid new snake, Minion the Banana Ball Python. I guess it may be because the old python froze when the power to its heater cut out. Now, everybody around here has been freaking out that the new snake hasn't eaten for over three months and could starve. Three months. I can't go without eating for a whole day. I don't understand snakes at all. If you offered me a big, plump rodent, that thing would be gone in minutes. I certainly wouldn't starve myself for three months. That's insane. Food is my best friend. And rodents are my favorite kind of food. 

[Scary strangers grabbing the snake.]

Part of the humans' freak out has landed the poor living yarn in the vet's office. As if a three-month hunger strike isn't punishment enough. Now, they had to take Minion o the torture chamber known as the vet's. I hear everyone there got so excited to see a snake that they all had to gawk at it. All sorts of strangers probably touched the poor guy. *Shudder.* 

[Not sure what this thing is, but it looks scary.]

I can only imagine whatever torture devices they used on the poor thing. Granted, I don't care about snakes. I'm just having vague flashbacks to last time my humans dragged me there. Something to do with poking and prodding and all sorts of awful things. Better him than me. Not kidding.